to feel nervous and anxious about driving with my two young kids?

[artlesschaos]

I used to be a fairly confident driver in my twenties but after a long spell in London where I never needed to drive at all, I now find myself scared and panicky about driving. I do force myself to do it occassionally but find myself making excuses. When my eldest (they're now 3) was a baby, I'd take her out if I had to in a tiny Smart Car but would only go on journeys I felt sure of.
Now we have a huge people carrier (7 seater)(between my partner and I we have 5 kids) and I am a complete wreck every time I have to go out in it. DH paid for me to have a few refresher lessons in it but still I feel scared. It is a thousand times worse when the babies (3 and 1 yr old) are in it. Not because they distract me, although they sometimes do but because I am TERRIFIED of having an accident and killing/disabling them. I cannot think if anything significant that has made me feel like this but it started to happen around the time my eldest child was a few weeks old and DP expected me to start driving with her in the car.
It also doesn't help that we don't have a drive and have to park "the beast" often quite a way from the house..not easy getting the buggy and two little ones safely in/out of the car in a bust street.
Am I being a pathetic wimp? I'm underconfident of my own driving ability and wary of everyone elses.
Do I keep forcing myself to drive or give up?

I can understand the pull too ac - I want to see family and friends I find it hard to get to more, but at the cost of my dd?? It's so hard to get my head round. Fortunately my dd has always travelled by the much more time consuming public transport so she has learned ways of being content with it. Sometimes I just wish I could leap in a car and go though!

In some ways I wish I just didn't have a license. It's a load simpler to say to someone "I can't drive. Never learnt" than explain how you can drive, used to drive happily for years but then developed a fear/phobia of driving after having children and now break out in a sweat of anxiety at the thought of driving a short journey with them in the back.

Does not driving affect your kids social lives pigletmania? I also worry (irrationally) that my kids will grow up thinking I'm a sad, pathetic wimp and resent me for not being brave enough to do a simple thing like drive them over to a friend's easily.
I often get stressed, grumpy and irritable with my 3 yr old when we're about to set off as she has to get in the car herself, feel like she's "helping" to strap up her belt, has to have her favourite bag/toy/doll in her hand etc etc and I just want to get going on our way as the anticipation is worse than the actual driving usually.

Good luck. I too know how you feel, don't really like driving either - but it does become easier to overcome the nerves with practise (unavoidable school run every day).

Unfortunately the size of your car really doesn't help! I too drive a large vehicle, avoid narrow country lanes (check maps before I travel to find the "easiest" route). Given a choice I nip off in DH's fiesta, and the difference is enormous!

...but you do get used to the size of the vehicle, keep gently pushing yourself (I have gradually got used to getting through narrower and narrower gaps) and with that comes confidence.

You are doing amazingly already by pushing yourself in this way.

Thanks Jazz. The size of the car doesn't help. It does feel massive, especially after the Smartcar but there is no way I can get two toddlers in that without strapping one of them to the roof!
I am so envious of people who are confident drivers. I have no idea where my problem came from. I can only pinpoint as starting after my eldest child was born but I guess up till that time I had no need to drive anyway...used buses/tubes as I worked in Central London.

...and another thing, trying to park something the size of a small van freaks me out too. I suggested those parking sensors to DH but on an old banger like ours he doesn't reckon it's worth it.
I wish I could scoot around on my own in a little Ford Focus for a week or two.
Thanks to everyone who replied.

not unreasonable, though take it slow...anticipate other drivers..you'll be fine.

agree with Sunfleurs.

OMG parking.....I sit outside DS school for about 30mins before collectiong him to make sure I have an "easy" spot. I actually just don't go to places where I may have to park ina difficult spot (although part of this is the fact that DH is very precious about the car!)

I am also scared of going places I'm not sure how/where I'm going to park.
This isn't a fear of damaging the car so much (as it is a bit of a banger) but a fear of looking like a dickhead and having people watch me try and laugh.
DH likes me to park really close to the curb as we live on a very narrow, busy street.
A few weeks ago it took me about 10 minutes and it still wasn't "right".
I find if parking doesn't go right first time I'm stuffed as the stress levels go up and I've no chance.

I'm with you all the way here.... I just cop out - but a friend of mine has had success, with taking herself somewhere quiet and just practicing......need a couple of cones to park between, and maybe someone to guide you a few times until you suss it.

I've used Google Maps to look at the road layout before driving somewhere new. I feel more confident if I know what lane I need to be in.

That's a good idea PurpleCrazyHorse (God we've all got complicated, long names haven't we?!
I have a TomTom but find it distracts me too much from my actual driving.
Was once concentrating so hard on listening and following it's instructions that I went through a zebra crossing. A poor guy leapt back in pure terror....that was quite a while ago but hey......thinking about it still fills me with horror.

and shame....imagine if I'd knocked him over! It's the what if's that worry me so much about driving.

Put on 'I will survive' as loud as kids can handle and sing along. Real feel good song that makes you feel you can do anything!

You never know they may join in and amaze other people that they know the words.
My ds first songs he learned was Amore and Mambo Italiano as couldn't get cd out for ages.

Re parking - park how you like and when dh comes home just give him the keys and say 'be a love and park it properly for me!' Just bring the wing mirrors in before you leave it.

Its highly likely that someone else has already posted to this effect, but I crashed a car when I was 17. I harldy drove again for 10 years after that. I also lived in London and the thought of sallying forth into that aggressive traffic scared me (literally) to tears. Every time I got into a car to drive I would be shaking. When I got to my destination I would be emotionally drained. All I could picture was me, sitting in a crashed car.

Anyway, I forced myself to do it more and more frequently. I kept telling myself that I was being unreasoonable, and that I wouldn't crash & that each time I made it safely to my destination was proof that I wouldn't crash. So that was about ten years ago & it probably took me a couple of years to feel completely comfortable behind the wheel on ordinary roads & I have yet to feel relaxed when driving on the motorway. But these days I drive my LHD car in France & my RHD car in UK & its fine. The images of me crashing the car have receeded and only return if I have some sort of iffy moment. So, keep going, keep on doing it & it will get better. Good luck.

m66...I like it!

DH does just take the keys and goes out to park it "properly" if he thinks my effort is crap.
So far the wing mirrors are still one but it's only a matter of time....have you seen how many Ford Galaxy's have a wing mirror missing?
It's those fricking width barriers!

My 3 year old hates my taste in music (including I imagine Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive") and has prefers Dizzy Rascal...bet I've spelt it incorrectly too.
Uncool, old, scared of driving...my kids are going to think I'm such a loser.
My 3 yr old already says "Daddy's the fun one and you're the slow one."
Hope it's just a reference to my driving....

I meant to say to OP- get hold of Glenn Harold's Driving nerves hynotherapy CD. Very helpful indeed.

You are just like me. I passed my test at 18 and then never drove, went to uni, lived in London etc. I got pregnant at 27 and we decided to move out of London. By then I didn't want to drive even though the buses at the time didn't even all have space for buggies. For five years I walked/bussed or trained it everywhere. When I had my second child I just used a Phil and Teds. I felt really silly when I told people I didn't drive as everyone seems to here.

Then this summer I got my first car, an automatic (even though passed in a manual), I went out for about a month with my husband with me. Since I have made myself go out at least once a day. It has changed my life, I can take the kids swimming, do the supermarket shop, visit friends etc. I haven't been far by myself but I just keep doing it and it seems to be getting better.

I am still terrified really but I am starting small and may never work up to motorways but is making a great difference to day to day life. Parking is still a problem but I would rather walk a bit (or a lot) than squeeze myself into a small space!!!

Thank you 2babyblues. I know ideally I should drive every day but I am on my own with two under 3's all day and it is the military planning it takes just to get them into the car with all the "stuff" they need that puts me off.
If I could just get straight in the car and go when I'm feeling more confident it would be great. The time it takes to get us all in the car and sorted just adds to a build up of anxiety and nerves.
I could go out at weekends with my DP with me but TBH he makes me more nervous as he is a very confident, fast driver and he just doesn't "get" my worries/phobia.
It is good to know you overcame your own issues.

I passed my test when I was pg with DC1 and then promptly crashed the car 10 days later! I carried on driving though but after someone went into the back of me at a roundabout it knocked my confidence and I stopped driving on motorways (something I hadn't done much up until then anyway). I also started to avoid going places i didn't know. I became very good at avoiding driving on motorways or unfamiliar roads.

Then my dream job came up in a town I didn't know and with a commute involving a motorway. I decided I had had enough of adjusting my life to accomodate my fear so went for the job and got it! Then the fear set in! After several anxiuos weeks I started work. The first few journeys were really scary and draining. I was shaking and exhausted from concentrating so hard. What has amazed me, however, is I have only been in post 7 weeks and already I have lost my fear of motorway driving. I have had to drive to all sorts of unknown places with my trusty SatNav.

The moral, of this rather long story, is if I can do it anyone can. Have faith in yourself. Give yourself plenty of time to get to your destination and with practise your confidence will grow.

I wish now I had conquered my fear years ago.

Thanks Charliesweb. It's brilliant that you now feel confident on motorways. They are a big fear of mine too and like you used to do, I avoid them at all costs. Even dual carriageways scare me. It's the speeds and HGV's that frighten me - the worry that a lapse of concentration could be fatal to me, my kids or someone else.

The only good thing about it is I walk everywhere with the kids and our trusty Phil and Teds...battered and scruffy now but worth every penny. Journeys to toddler groups that other mums would drive (say 20/30 minutes) we just walk.
Am not keen on buses either as my toddler likes to get out the pushchair and sit in a seat but never wants to get on so I have to get her off the bus whilst pushing the buggy...and anyone who lives in London will know how helpful and understanding the bus drivers are down here...

Artless, just wanted to say I suffered from the same phobia, and it has got better as kids older, and just through using car for the run around on familiar routes.
I now quite enjoy getting in car, and putting radio on (by myself)
Still can't quite do motorways, and avoid routes I'm not sure of. But I am much better than I was when babies were small.
I am pleased my kids know how to use public transport and do not expect to be ferried everywhere but to walk (sometimes)
I think I will get there in the end, as will you. In the meantime don't let people put you down, just say you don't like driving long distances. There are plenty of happy well balanced normal people who can't drive at all.
Why should anywone criticise you for being enviromental and healthy and walking instead of driving? No-one else should judge your decision.
Anxiety affects us all on different levels, and sometimes when we are doing a pretty good job on other levels something has to give. Just value what you ARE doing for now, and don't feel you have failed in anyway.

Thank you so much swanriver. I really appreciate your post. I get anxious sometimes just thinking about how difficult I find driving with the little ones. It can make me feel so inadequate and crap.
You have made me put it into perspective.
I will re-read you post to myself on bad days.