to feel nervous and anxious about driving with my two young kids?

[artlesschaos]

I used to be a fairly confident driver in my twenties but after a long spell in London where I never needed to drive at all, I now find myself scared and panicky about driving. I do force myself to do it occassionally but find myself making excuses. When my eldest (they're now 3) was a baby, I'd take her out if I had to in a tiny Smart Car but would only go on journeys I felt sure of.
Now we have a huge people carrier (7 seater)(between my partner and I we have 5 kids) and I am a complete wreck every time I have to go out in it. DH paid for me to have a few refresher lessons in it but still I feel scared. It is a thousand times worse when the babies (3 and 1 yr old) are in it. Not because they distract me, although they sometimes do but because I am TERRIFIED of having an accident and killing/disabling them. I cannot think if anything significant that has made me feel like this but it started to happen around the time my eldest child was a few weeks old and DP expected me to start driving with her in the car.
It also doesn't help that we don't have a drive and have to park "the beast" often quite a way from the house..not easy getting the buggy and two little ones safely in/out of the car in a bust street.
Am I being a pathetic wimp? I'm underconfident of my own driving ability and wary of everyone elses.
Do I keep forcing myself to drive or give up?

Do you mean that mousie? I can sort of see where you're coming from but it seems an extreme reaction.
Would you stop your DD going on a school trip if it involved a coach or car?

I do find though that once I've set off (usually) my nerves settle down. It's the anticipation and worry beforehand that is worse.

I'm sure this must be a practice thing. I've been driving every day since I was 17, so nearly 30 years and it's as natural as breathing.

Must admit, though, that I drive very cautiously with the twin babies I give a lift to once a week

Yes, it's a practice thing and a confidence thing. I used to (in my younger days) drive as fast as my little 1.3L Escort was comfortable with, often whilst lighting a fag and changing my tapes over. I gave up the ciggies a LONG time ago. I thought n othing of late night driving, motorways, windy country roads.
I do worry that driving is a very unsafe mode of transport now since having my kids but realistically I accept so many parents take risks ferrying their kids around in cars that it is me with the problem...probably.

OP I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm fine once I'm actually driving, but before I get in the car, my stomach ties itself in knots. I keep telling myself that it's cos I haven't had my license that long, and it'll get better with experience but it's not going to get better unless I can do something about my horribly overactive imagination (which hasn't been helped on a couple of occasions by idiots literally attempting to drive me off the road). I find I'm too quick to find reasons to get public transport (it's cheaper than parking, blah, blah) and we have parking difficulties at home too (lack of space) so that gives me yet another excuse to listen to my fears and leave the car at home
No advice for you, but you're not alone.

Coach - not sure, have never looked at the numbers, but I would if I was going to put my dd on one (she's not at school yet). Car, definitely not. I think it's about an honest understanding of the risks, for example going in a car on a motorway is more dangerous than having a GA but which do most people worry about for their dc? We all make an assessment that we are prepared to live with, I think, and if you are prepared to take that risk then it's you that has to live with it. I'm not.

I feel very similar to you, AC, and completely empathise. I only passed my test after I had the DC so have never known carefree driving (which I regret).

What I'm planning on doing is taking the Advanced Driving Test. That is getting into the realms of big boy, Police-standard driving, so I feel it will make much much safer and prepare me for anything. If walking everywhere isn't an option, the next best thing we can do is ensure we are very, very, very good drivers.

Thanks Whydobirds...it's reassuring to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Other people seem to happily jump in their cars and off they go. I blame personally a long gap in driving. I'm in my 30's now and learnt aged 19 but for the last ten years I've hardly driven at all and certainly not regularly.
I also blame an over-active imagination and the worry and anxiety that comes with being a newish mother.
Mousie, I know where you're coming from. Part of me thinks why take the risk? But my fears around cars only extend to my own driving. I trust other people, the people I trust with my children anyway to drive them around. I do this with rarely a 2nd thought. It's me I don't trust or it's the responsibility of me causing something awful to happen whilst behind the wheel.

Do you live in Surrey? We could go to the Advanced Driving lessons together!

More children die in the home accidentally than die in car accidents so it's not the most dangerous thing you can do. But that doesn't lessen your anxiety I'm sure.

FWIW, I became a much more anxious driver when I had my DS (having been an extremely confident one before) and it has taken me a while to get that back. But I'm much more careful than I used to be so you're really not alone in feeling more worried about it. I agree that you need to practice, practice, practice. And if your anxiety is debilitating then you could try hypnotherapy to help. It has had amazing effects on anxiety issues with a few friends so would be worth a go

I'm in London. I'd be too scared of making an arse of myself to do an advanced driving course. Sometimes I think it was a fluke I passed the standard test.
My brother is still convinced it was because I was wearing a short skirt.
Yup. Guess who passed first and who passed second time?

Notevenamousie - do you take your children on planes. I worry more about that than anything even though it is statistically safe.

I don't particularly like motorways but we would not have been able to go on holidays without using them. We try and travel early in the morning when they are less busy. I feel sorry for people whose jobs involve them driving on motorways all the time.

I also feel sorry for people who regularly have to use motorways. With or without kids on board.
Planes do not worry me in the slightest. 1, they are statistically with safest mode of travel, plus in all honesty I'd rather we all died together as a family (highly probable in a flight crash) than have to be alive to witness my kids seriously disabled for life or worse.

Weirdly, it's on motorways that I'm most comfortable. I hate, hate, HATE town driving with all those bloody traffic lights and people stepping off hte kerb in front of me and pulling out and all of that. Argh. Even though I'm perfectly capable of imagining the results of an accident on the motorway, I find the prospect of having one on a 'little' road far more daunting. Perhaps it's because I don't tend to be on motorways on my own, and having my husband there helps me to feel more relaxed. I dunno. Wish I could get over it though. You seriously have my sympathy. Advanced driving could be the way to go. Have considered that myself.

I was just looking at my local Advanced Motorists group website - they do specialised Motorway Lessons for just £10. 30 minutes' instruction beforehand, then 1 hour on the motorway, driving your own car, with an instructor in the passenger seat (grabbing the wheel, in my case, and screaming "ARE YOU BLIND?!").

I'm definitely going to do that.

AC, I think that advanced training is the way to go. If you learn everything then you will soothe yourself by knowing that you know everything about driving and will be able to cope in any situation. The fact that you're only nervous about your own driving suggests to me that this is a crisis of confidence, not a phobia.

Is your DH supportive? Have you suffered from depression? I was anxious about everything (inc driving, though that is taking longer to fade) before my DH left, but in my case it was a symptom of depression. Plus he was always very bright and breezy about my fears, brushing them aside and not really allievating them. Just a thought. Blame the bloke!

The driving thing is a funny one - on the one hand it's ridiculously risky, we would absolutely not tolerate that level of risk in other activities. We do as a society with driving because it's so handy - as a society we take it for granted that everyone pretty much will accept this risk and tend to write off people who don't as overworriers.

On the other hand, being concerned about driving is quite rational really - mostly our kids will be safer not doing it than doing it. Most of us think the benefits outweigh the risks, but the risks are still there and real. If someone looks at their life and their children's lives and says "you know what, in our case, the benefits don't outweigh the risks", for whatever reason, then that's fair enough. I can't really accuse them of worrying 'too much' just because for my family the loss of mobility would be too big a cost.

In the case of the OP though it doesn't seem as though general worrying about driving is as significant as her worrying about times when she's driving - so all the anti-anxiety ideas of just keeping on trying, practice practice practice and so on, feel the fear and do it anyway till the fear goes, are probably the way to go.

I'd be curious to know more about the car travelling risk statistics and if they include little prangs - I don't see car travel as any more risky in terms of death or serious injury than travelling by bus (esp as no car seats) or crossing the road.

Apparently (and can't remember where I read this) seat belts have saved many lives but they leave accident survivors paralysed rather than dead.
If it was quadriplegia I'd prefer death.
I'd also be interested in stats.
Thing is with buses, they never go above about 40mph do they?

I am the same only recently passed my test and hate hate hate London driving. I think that as you say its the other drivers/ people stepping out issue that makes it so scary. I also get a twisted knot in my tummy before driving. So you YANBU, I agree the thought of killing or hurting anyone due to my crap driving scares the crap out of me, and I also dread long journeys.

I think as everyone suggests confidence is the key. I have started going for short night drives, as had never driven at night before and got quite traumatised. Yesterday I did one and felt loads better

Also I would get very clear that its not driving per se, its driving in London thats so horrible. Lots of people hate it, its not just you.

Have agreed to drive over to my friend's house on Friday. She lives off quite a busy road and I'll have to get back onto it from her drive.
Already worried and freaking about all aspects of the journey..getting the babies in properly, pulling out of junctions, not bumping anyone's car as I go down narrow streets and mostly going on the motorway bit where there's 3 lanes.
Wish me luck...am feeling the fear and doing it anyway.
If I can get us all there and back without incident I know I'll feel so chuffed with myself.

London driving is awful. When I've driven up North where I'm from, I've noticed how much more relaxed and easy going drivers tend to be. They also drive slower.
My worst fear after hurting my kids is knocking someone over and killing them...imagine, a lapse of concentration and you have the guilt of that for the rest of your life plus a prison sentence..life completely ruined....all cos you were brave and tried that soft play centre 10 miles away.....it's the risks and lack of total control I struggle to handle.

Good luck ac with your journey - the chances are of course that all will be well and your friend will be really pleased to see you.

I expected to get flamed on this thread - thank you, so much, that I haven't. I am not meaning to be difficult, just explain that there are other ways of looking at things (a lot of my RL friends think I am weird). Yes, I take my dd on planes. I think, and hope, that I worry about things that are statistically dangerous rather than ones that feel dangerous. I will look out the numbers if that will help. I think (was it spicemonster?) that although you are right that more children are injured at home in absolute numbers, when you look at it in terms of morbidity and mortality rates for time spent in the various places, being in a car, and specifically on a motorway, is the worst place your child can be.

ac - cross posted - so many what ifs in our lives, though. The emotional pull of what if something happens is really strong. I am a from a scientific background... oh, all right, I'm a surgeon, I look at risks all the time... the risk of you injuring a pedestrian going to soft play is very small. I hope you can make a decision you are happy with and can live with.

I for one see your point completely mousie. To a degree I feel the same. Motorways, with huge lorries all around you, dangerously high levels of speed, drivers pulling out into lanes without looking or thinking are very very dangerous places.
I always worry the night before my kids go on a motorway. I will allow it if I trust the driver but I still worry and have horrible flashes in my mind of the worst thing happening.
Although I want to overcome my driving fears to open up more options to us in the week (me and the kids), I still think driving is a risky, dangerous activity and often wonder why other people generally don't feel the same way.

I totally understand though i am not a driver, i learned about 10 years ago, failed 4 driving tests and have not driven ever since. I would love to drive as we live in an area where public transport is not too good, but worry about getting panick attacks and having accidents whereby i will end up injurying or even worse killing someone. I know that i would probably be fine but i cannot help this irrationality.