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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ground DD (age 12) for a week

50 replies

BigMomma3 · 12/10/2009 16:44

DD (Yr8) did not have any real friends in our local area until she moved to the local secondary school (from one 3 miles away) last month and now has lots of mates in our local area which I am delighted about.

Anyway she is now 'playing out' which she never used to do before(so I am not used to her having her freedom )but keeps coming back later than the time I told her to. Yesterday she went out at 1.30pm and I told her to be back by 4.30pm as I think 3 hours just to play in the park and walk around boyspotting chatting was plenty of time. She texted me to ask to come back at 5.00pm and I said OK then texted again to come back at 5.30 (which was the time dinner would be ready) and I told her No as I thought she was pushing it. So she texted back that she would come back when SHE was ready and finally came home at 5.45pm.

AIBU to ground her for a week - she just had a hissy fit when I told her she could not go out after school but I told her that I must be able to trust her to be back when I say so? Or am I being too harsh as I am not used to her going out, I start panicking if she's not back on time and don't really need the extra stress!!

OP posts:
GhoulishFan · 12/10/2009 16:46

nope

if she can't be trusted and do as she's told, she can't go out

she needs to learn the importance of getting and KEEPING your trust and to have hissy fits and "come home when she's ready" ain't the way to do that!

GhoulishFan · 12/10/2009 16:47

ps - nope = yanbu... I didn't make that clear!

AMumInScotland · 12/10/2009 16:49

Well, I don't think it was unreasonable of her to ask to be back at 5:30, if that's when the meal would be ready, so I probably would have said yes at that point - after all, if she's texted you, there's no need for you to panic about her being late is there?

But I would feel a need to make a point about her cheeking you and not taking no for an answer, particularly when she was then deliberately late for the meal.

So, I think you're right that there should be sanctions, but maybe you need to relax a little in future if she texts you so you aren't worried, and she is back by the agreed mealtime.

claw3 · 12/10/2009 17:02

Not unreasonable, although i do think a week is a bit much. Its not the severity of the punishment that counts, its learning a lesson.

curiositykilled · 12/10/2009 17:10

did you tell her she'd be grounded if she came back late before she went out?

If not I don't think it'd do you any good to ground her like this. I'd make sure you were reasonable in setting the time you want her home i.e. 5.30 for dinner, rather than 5.00 because you've already let her stay late once. Then I'd talk to her about why she needs to come home when you say, maybe telling her you're glad she's made friends near home and you're still adjusting to her having independence. Then I'd make an agreement with her that you'll be reasonable in deciding when it is really necessary for her to be at home but that in return she needs to respect the time you have decided together. Then you say if she doesn't respect it then she'll have to stay at home.

Then if she can't come home on time you ground her. I'd say a week is a long time though. IMO You need to set reasonable boundaries that she can keep to and make the consequences of breaking the boundaries clear beforehand and appropriate or she won't take you seriously and you'll end up getting into a tit for tat situation.

MmeGoblindt · 12/10/2009 17:10

I think grounding her for a week is a bit excessive.

I would ground her for a day or two, and take her phone off her to teach her that texting is the same as speaking to someone.

I think that sometimes people are more rude/cheeky when texting as it is remote, if you see what I mean.

SerendipitousHarlot · 12/10/2009 17:16

My dd (12) came back 10 minutes late the other night and she was grounded for the whole weekend

The way I see it, you have to earn the trust before you get it.

castille · 12/10/2009 17:19

I would have done similar, maybe not for so long. The importance of being back when agreed has to be clear from early on. Though 5 or 5.30 is very early for a 12yo at this time of year - mine has to be back before dusk or at mealtime, whichever is the earlier. Having a phone is no excuse for not sticking to arrangements.

But try not to set "because I say so" rules that don't have any basis at this age - the key is to agree a time with her for reasons she understands.

Also as MmeGoblindt says, make the point that she should never text (or email, or type in any form) anything she wouldn't say directly.

niftyfifty · 12/10/2009 17:21

I think YABabitU - I would ground her for saying that she would come back when she was ready, but I personally think a week is too long. DS is also 12 but has been playing out for a while so I am more used to it I suppose. Her asking to have an extension & come back when the meal is ready seems OK to me, but not the last text, hissy fit etc. In a few weeks it will be getting dark early which will put an end to playing out for long after school ... or so I hope!

seeker · 12/10/2009 17:22

I wouldn't ground for the lateness, but for the cheek!

I give mine about 15 minutes leeway - I know it's hard to get away from friends sometimes particularly when you don't want to, but I wouldn't put up with the "come in when she was ready" line!

mrshibbins · 12/10/2009 17:22

YANBU

sugardumpling · 12/10/2009 17:27

YANBU especially for the coming home when she feels like it part!!

Firawla · 12/10/2009 17:44

YANBU, especially as others have mentioned for the cheek of disregarding what you said and saying she will come when she feels like it. she needs to learn that is wrong and to come back on time, else she can't go out.

RubysReturn · 12/10/2009 17:50

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thesecondcoming · 12/10/2009 18:40

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PoisonToadstool · 12/10/2009 18:42

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PoisonToadstool · 12/10/2009 18:43

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overmydeadbody · 12/10/2009 18:46

She ^deliberately came back later than you told her to so IMO grounding for a week is fair enough.

If you have already said she is grounded you cannot, under any circumstances, go back on that or not actually enforce it.

She needs to know you mean what you say, and she needs to know she has to be home when you say so.

YANBU

wannaBe · 12/10/2009 18:48

no yanbu.

I would have grounded her for the cheak alone...

Morloth · 12/10/2009 18:50

Cheek! Not unreasonable at all.

seeyounexttuesday · 12/10/2009 18:51

YANBU - short sharp shock of a grounding will hopefully make her learn quickly that when you want her home, she comes back or there will be future groundings

BrigitBigKnickers · 12/10/2009 18:59

Not U at all!

I think the "I'll come back when I'm ready" might have meant more than just a grounding in this house.

My DD would be lucky to end up with the clothes she stood up in after a comment like that!

I would have confiscated everything as well as the grounding. Cheeky little mare.

Stay strong now or the teen years will be hell.

BiteOfFun · 12/10/2009 19:04

A week's grounding is nothing- for the cheek, and the deliberate lateness.

And I'm sorry, but "Because I say so" still stands in my house- it's about basic respect for your parents.

purepurple · 12/10/2009 19:07

YANBU at all. I have a 13 yr DD and know exactly where you are coming from.
But, you do have to stick to your guns, and stick to what you have said.

PoppyDeLaFoof · 12/10/2009 19:34

All this warning them before you ground them, and practically gettingtheir consent to do it is getting blinkin reediculous IMO

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