to ground DD (age 12) for a week

[BigMomma3]

DD (Yr8) did not have any real friends in our local area until she moved to the local secondary school (from one 3 miles away) last month and now has lots of mates in our local area which I am delighted about.

Anyway she is now 'playing out' which she never used to do before(so I am not used to her having her freedom )but keeps coming back later than the time I told her to. Yesterday she went out at 1.30pm and I told her to be back by 4.30pm as I think 3 hours just to play in the park and walk around boyspotting chatting was plenty of time. She texted me to ask to come back at 5.00pm and I said OK then texted again to come back at 5.30 (which was the time dinner would be ready) and I told her No as I thought she was pushing it. So she texted back that she would come back when SHE was ready and finally came home at 5.45pm.

AIBU to ground her for a week - she just had a hissy fit when I told her she could not go out after school but I told her that I must be able to trust her to be back when I say so? Or am I being too harsh as I am not used to her going out, I start panicking if she's not back on time and don't really need the extra stress!!

I have a 12 year old DD and I would do exactly the same - not because she was late, but because she was deliberately late to defy you. They need to realise that trust has to be earned. And I am known to be a soft touch, normally.

I just think you can't expect someone to follow a rule if you haven't told the person what the rules are.

definitely ground for a week if thats what you've told her already.

if you don't you will NEVER get her to come back on time ever again.

good luck

Thanks all, have been feeling a bit wobbly but will stick it out then!! Sunday was not the first time that she's tried it on, previously she's been late and I could not get through on her mobile (she'd put it on silent apparently) so it was immediate panic stations! Also I expect her home from school no later than 4pm (chucking out time is 3.10pm and it's no more than 20mins walk so allows for dawdling) and she was not home by 5pm so I had to get in the car and go looking for her, when I'd been driving around for 10 mins she then she rang me to say she was just coming and was late because they'd been walking slowly and had tried to call me but her phone was not working . They just don't care about our anxieties do they!!

She's been invited to a sleepover on Friday and birthday parties on Saturday and Sunday so if the rest of the week passes without any further hissy fits I will unground her a bit earlier!!

no,no.no

a week means a week

not for you to change your mind just as the fun-filled weekend rolls around...

what kinda message is that ?

I speak as a veteran of dealing with an inveterate tryer-onner

Only read op.

Personally, I try to take the first punishment that comes into my head, then half it. Then half it again. A common mistake is to be too extreme.

So if this is the first misdeanour of this nature that you will punish (and I think you are quite right to give a punishment), I would start off grounding her for one day only. Then take it from there.

Other issues:

1. I think it's perfectly reasonable that she's at th epark till tea time. A bit of fresh air, a bit of company, in daylight. Great. You're being irrational about the time.

1. If you've already said a week you need to either stick to it or say 'look, I've calmed down now, I was really cross. I've thought about this and I realise this was the first time you didn't do as you were asked so you;re grounded for one day only but I don't expect this to happen again'

tsc and sf - I absolutely know you are right!! In fact I told DD that if I did not punish her now she would be an absolute nightmare at 14 and that would'nt be fair on any of us. I will endeavour to make sure I don't crack until at least Saturday .

pointy - it's not the first time (although I did not put that in my original post) I think that's why I was so indignant that she come back when I said so!

yanbu

ok fair enough. But it does sound like some of your rules are not going to be easy for a 12 yr old to put up with (like going home in daylioght well before her pals) and having whole week groundings.

you are right pointy, of course

although I strongly believe that you have to follow through with a punishment for it to have any meaning, even if you relise later it may have been a bit OTT

its the principle, aint it

and OP's dd's comment "I will come when I feel like it" would have provoked a serious reaction from me, thats for sure

However, I do try more these days to make sure that it fits the crime

mine would be grounded for a week just for being so cocky as to say they would come home when they felt like it

Just been talking to DH about this. We agreed we would punish for both offences (I work in a prison, so apologies for the language!), the first being staying out past curfew by nearly an hour would receive a one day grounding, the second being the cheek and so the mobile would be confiscated for 24 hours.

I do think a week is a little long for a 'first offence' but agree with PPs, as you've said it you must stick to it. Maybe relent by Thurs if she's behaving very well, but explain why.

you could always say she may be able to end the grounding early by working it off somehow, extra chores etc, depending on effort involved and with no firm promise

this is what i do on occasion

Nothing wrong with saying 'i was angry at the time and perhaps a week is a bit much' shows you are only human.

Both my teenage boys are terrible for getting up in the mornings. If they dont get out of bed, this automatically is a 'no ps3 tonight' rule.

I got really annoyed with my almost 16 year old and told him on Monday (after already losing ps3) that he wouldnt be going out at the weekend either unless he got out of bed right that second.

I have now told him he can earn his weekend back, providing he gets up for the rest of the week.

My 13y dd is the same too.

What I do now is I give her the chance to come home on time, if she doesn't then she doesn't go out the next day, not a grounding as such but she has to give up the next days playing out if she's late and she knows that.

so every other day she gets the chance to redeem herself, sometimes she's home on time and sometimes she's not, if it goes on for a while then she will be grounded.

So YANBU

It is really good that she now has friends in the area that she enjoys hanging out with.
I think it was reasonable to ground her but perhaps just a couple of days.She could end uup out of her new little group by then.

As a young person (young enough to remember being 12 clearly) that em was a little shite not the best to her parents, i strongly advise that you stick to your guns, EVERYTIME this happens.

I remember using these excuses and it all started around her age. My parents did not do a lot and i realised i could get away with more and more and TBH stopped caring. I ended up really bad after being such a nice young child aswell. Don't give in. Don't let her off early etc. I used texting as a GREAT way to get away with things. Next time ground her but also take her phone (thats a real punishment for a young teen!) Her friends will really be influencing her but dont dig at them cos that will make it worse.

It took heavy drinking and getting pregnant for me to eventually calm down and grow up.

Hope these were just one offs for her though.

Have only skimmed over the thread but I'd say that it's worth giving her the opportunity to earn the shortening of the grounding - we do it with DS often as DH and I have different ideas of punishments and he often goes a bit over the top to start with. Rather than looking a bit wet and going back on what we have said in the heat of the moment, or having it look like we're undermining each other; we give DS the opportunity to do something to earn less of a grounding OR say we will be watching his behaviour etc. That way it's very clear that there are always consequences to what they do. The key is to talk, we talk for hours with DS (now 15) about stuff like that and it's done the world of good. However I fear DD1 will be a different kettle of fish but that's a different thread lol!