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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sorry its an MIL one but only a quickie, just say YANBU! ;0)

57 replies

pooexplosions · 12/10/2009 11:57

AIBU...to be pissed off that, it being my DH's first day back at work since our 3rd DC was born 11 days ago and I'm a leetle panicky, the only contribution my MIL has to make is repeatedly asking me "How will you cope?" or "What are you going to do?" ad nauseum?

I mean, either a) offer me some bloody help instead of making me feel completely useless, or
b) shut up, as its completely unhelpful and demoralising even if you think I'm completely useless and can't manage, since I don't have any help and will just have to muddle along and hope for the best.

I normally wouldn't pay the slightest attention, but its really niggling at me. I didn't know I was thought to be that useless.

OP posts:

clam · 12/10/2009 11:59

Or you could look at it as her cackhanded way of sympathising with your predicament.
?
Maybe?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/10/2009 12:02

YANBU. Happiest day of my life when my MIL shuffled of her mortal coil.
I think it's niggling at you because you are probably absolutely knackered. It does get better as you know, you've done it twice already.

seaglass · 12/10/2009 12:03

Maybe she remembers what it's like to be on your own with a newborn for the first time?
I would just ignore her, mil's rarely know the right thing to say to their dil's.
Congratulations by the way
I'm sure you'll be fine (see, someone has faith in you )

diddl · 12/10/2009 12:04

Perhaps she´s hinting that she wants tocome over and help?

How old are your other 2?

I don´t think she´s hinting that you´re useless-that would be "you´ll nevercope!"

StealthPolarBear · 12/10/2009 12:04

yanbu
make sure you have a wonderful fun-packed, stress free day, so you can tell her about it afterwards. Or even if you end up screeching over CBeebies (not that I ever do that ), embellish slightly

StealthPolarBear · 12/10/2009 12:06

just out of interest, not particulary related to the OP, does it help having people to 'help'? After all it's just putting the "first day" off by another day. I know when DH went back to work this time I was just desperate to get it over with to prove to myself that we'd all survive. Both mum and MIL offer regularly to come up and help or take DS out for the day which is a regular thing so is much more helpful IMO (and yes, I know I'm lucky)

diddl · 12/10/2009 12:07

Sorry, forgot to say congratulations.

My husband is an only one & our two are 22 months apart.

Don´t think my MIL thought it was humanly possible to look after a newborn & a not 2 year old!

Well, as many know, it is.

For me that was the easy part!

diddl · 12/10/2009 12:09

Oh,yes, obviously beware of helper who would just cuddle baby and make the occasional cuppa.

If they´re not going to cook/clean/take other children out so that you can sleep whilst baby does, tell them no thanks!

Original poster

pooexplosions · 12/10/2009 12:31

Thanks all! TBH, I prob would have said no thanks if offered the "help", but it would have been nice to get the offer, you know? My mother is no longer ith us and my OH works all diff shifts which can make my life a bit difficult, in that I can't plan for anything, never knowing if he will be in work or not.

The 5 year old is at school until 1.40, and the 2 year old is having a nap, so we are ok for now. We'll go to the supermarket after school, that should take up a couple of hours. I'm a bit worried about juggling the tea time, bedtime etc with the cluster feeding newborn...but thats where the tv and biscuit bribery come in I suppose!

Would have been nice to hear "you'll do fine, you can cope of course, aren't you well able?", but you can't have everything, can you?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/10/2009 12:38

I'll say it for you poo, 'you'll do find, you can cope of coure, you are well able to do everything'. See, I even embellished it a bit.

RubyrubyrubysAScaryOldBint · 12/10/2009 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

andirobobo · 12/10/2009 12:43

You will be fine - teatime and bedtime can be hectic here with a 7 and 2 year old and a DH who often isnt in until after 9, but you just get on with it in your own way! Whi says they all need a bath every night anyway!

Congats and good luck - not that you will need it!

EdgarAllenPoo · 12/10/2009 12:47

congratualtions!

could she say the right thing now?? if she sai' oh you'll be fine' that would be dismisssive, if she says 'oh i'll help' that's intrusive..etc etc.

YANBU though, it does seem to underine your competence.

I actually found it harder with my DH around cos i had to keep on telling him what to do, though that's only with 2 kids.

given your level of MN usage, i have a feeling you'll still be fine ....

WoTmania · 12/10/2009 12:47

YANBU
Use to drive me nuts too (was my family not ILs). How on earth will you manage. Oh WoT! How will you cope once Mr Mana has gone back to work.
I'll be fine thank you mother!

gingernutlover · 12/10/2009 13:05

YANBU but unless your dh has been doing everything you will be fine, dont worry

MIL's go on special courses when they find their sons are going to be married. The course teaches them how to say stupid things at the wrong time. There is also a lecture and workshop on making the DIL feel like a useless mum!

Hope your day is going okay

MmeGoblindt · 12/10/2009 13:10

Congratulations on the birth of your third DC. Boy or girl? How are you doing? I am sure you will manage fine. Keep a couple of mini packets of buttons in the cupboard for emergency bribery.

YANBU but next time say, "Oh, I am sure I will be fine. I was wondering if you would mind me dropping off a load of ironing to your house though, as I don't know if I will manage that and otherwise DH will have to go to work in unironed shirts"

hormonalmum · 12/10/2009 13:12

Just to say you have my sympathy - my own mil bleated how awful it was having pneumonia when I had it. She was staying for a week and didnt even turn the kettle on, never mind make a cup of tea or look after her gc; just wanted to go shopping with my dh and to the pub with him on his one day off.

They both got words and the short end of the stick from me.

If that's her "offer" of help, I would leave her to it. Do not answer the phone to her!

But, do not worry, you will be fine and manage admirably. (I will be back for advice when I am mother of 3!)

Oh and congrats.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 12/10/2009 13:19

I don't know your MIL, obviously, but is at at all possible she said this without malice (and was in some cackhanded way, acknowledging that it might be hard or trying to ask you if you need help?).

Maybe she is scared to ask you if you need help ?

Just playing Devils Advocate. It seems MILs can't win.

Original poster

pooexplosions · 12/10/2009 13:30

To be fair, I love my MIL, shes actually really nice, which is why this one sticks out a bit, iyswim? She does have the older 2 fairly often, but has a busy social life and often has to say no to requests, which is fair enough, she has her own life and should not be seen as an unpaid minder.
It just annoys be a little that she conveniently forgets that when she had 3 small boys (same as I have now), she had her own mother there 24/7 and made heavy use of her!

Edgar...can always find time to pop on and off MN
ginger DH has been doing everything pretty much, from the cooking, cleaning, ashing, bed/bathtimes and making my dinner too...to let me concentrate on the baby and the feeding!

Goin ok so far, but hae to go get son no1 now, this is the hardest bit.... wish me luck!

OP posts:

LittleOneMum · 12/10/2009 14:01

I think she's just finding it impossible to understand that anyone could cope and she's being insensitive about not just being quiet about her feelings. I have one DC and am expecting number 2 and I am already having 'oh I'm never going to be able to cope' feelings. I think people who haven't actually been there have no idea. Would expect your MIL to keep this in check though and be a bit more supportive.

NanaNina · 12/10/2009 14:02

Jamie and his magic.........you're quite right MILS can't win and I speak as one, though I know by "outing" in this way I will come in for some stick as this is what happens on any MIL thread. I have 3 sons and 3 lovely dils so I honestly don't have any problems but I did have a rather interfering mil myself and have friends who are mils and we obviously talk about our families. I have one friend who is quite scared of her dil and is always treading on egg shells to try not to upset her.

I think there are some women who are overbearing mils etc but then I think there are some women who are over sensitive dils. I think if both the older and younger woman are mature, secure, and sensitive it can work out OK but when this is not the case I am sure there can be problems.

I think one of the problems is that there is little recognition that the mil/dil thing is a 2 way street and I hear from some of my women friends about some fairly awful dils but there you go.

Gingernutlover - I find your comment about "Mils go on courses etc" fairly typical of the way many posters generalise and stereotype mils and it really is quite offensive. Some of us try very hard to make sure that we are sensitive to the needs of our extended families and manage to enjoy good relationships with our dils.

Something which makes me curious is this thing about stereotyping MILS. If a woman posted about problems with a mother, sister, daughter, aunt, niece, granny etc I honestly don't think we'd have posters saying things like "mothers, sisters, daughters, aunts etc go on courses etc etc" - on other threads I have consistebtly been accused of trying to "defend mils at all costs" and "morphing into a mil" and "behaving like a typical mil" whereas again I don't think another woman posting about a relationship with another woman relative would be accused of "morphing into a typical sister" or whatever IFYSWIM.

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

Jamieandhismagictorch · 12/10/2009 14:38

Nana Many many of us who have sons will become MILs and and therefore it makes a lot of sense for us not to stereotype MILs - just as it makes a lot of sense not to stereotype older people - they will be us one day.

Some while back someone made a useful (tongue in cheek) list of hints and tips for MILs.

I know it can be a difficult relationship for some people. It take good-will on both sides.

My own MIL died when my first child was very small. I know I found our relationship hard at times, especially when DS1 was a tiny baby. Now, I wish she was around to give me insights on having two boys.

pooexplosions good luck. I remember that time when DH goes back to work very well. Many people have told me it's easier with 3 than it was with 2 DCs

fillybuster · 12/10/2009 15:18

YANBU, but you know that You've got enough to deal with (although, of course you can do it no problem!) without wasting time/energy getting irritated with your MIL. Mine drives me up the wall in a similar way...and no doubt will say exactly the same when she discovers #3 is on the way, but I know she doesn't mean it badly. She just has absolutely zero self-awareness and no filter between (small) brain and (large) mouth

freakname · 12/10/2009 15:22

Nana I'm a bit confused. On the other thread you said that it was you that had the sensitive DIL (the 3rd one?) and you had to walk on eggshells around her.

On this thread it appears it is 'your friend' who has her.

You also say you 'honestly don't have any problems' which contradicts the things you mentioned before.

freakname · 12/10/2009 15:25

Congratulations OP you've done it before you can do it again!
If you don't want her hovering around the house can't you send her out with a shopping list or something?

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