I don't want to look after my cousin's 5 kids on the october break

[Jennylee]

I am pregnant, feel sick a lot, need to nap every day, have a 14 month old and a 10 year old. She is doing a nursing degree, has 5 kids from age 6-12. they don't behave well, they don't all eat the same thing. they make my 10 year odl act more wild when he is with them, they crowd my toddler. sometimes when they leave they nick small stuff my boy has. it would be form 7.30 in the morning untill 5-6 evening apart from wednesday. also she dropped one off this week who was sick with fever and cough after asking by text, I don't like to offend but I was livid. now her 11 year old is ill with it. I used to watch them for her when I only had ds, but now can't cope with it and it hangs over me and stresses me out. when dd was a few week old she wanted me to watch them for 5 days I didn't and she was all offended. No one else can help her. when I was at uni and had sick child I stayed home.

I sympathise utterly with the mum over the - childcare + degree equation, but equally it sounds like far too much to ask of you at this stage in your life (actually it's bordering on an imposition if you are feeling awful). She is probably focusing utterly on getting qualified and out to work, and this is a very turbulent time in her life. There must be a council playscheme that she could afford. Or even split them up and send to different relatives for the week.

I'd just say no. I think if you choose to have 5 kids you have to think about childcare. Dumping all 5 on 1 relative is unreasonable. A holiday should be time for you to have fun with your kids, no get frazzled looking after someone else's. I'd maybe have some of them for 1 or 2 days but it's really her and their dad's problem. Don't let her make it yours.
I'd vet phone calls as well and say maybe going away.

you are not being unreasonable. I have three kids aged 5,2 and 8 months. The only time that anyone has looked after all three was for the night of my daughters parents evening when we put them all to bed and then my dad and stepmother came to sit iin our living room in case any of them woke up. In an emergency i.e needing to go to hospital or something I WOULD ask someone to look after them but with half term she knew it was coming and had time to organize something so just say no!
congrats on your pregnancy byt the way

sophie

Absolutely say no.

A nursing degree is a bit different to a 'normal' degree in terms of time off (although even DH's degree started a year after I graduated has tioghtened up massively on attendance).

however, most universities will run and all should have access to hlaf term provision, funded in part by childcare grant if she is eligible 9and if not then chances are she can afford it). So suggest she starts with a trip to her student services dept- in a 'I'm ever so sorry ica nnot do it theis time, well you know what being PG is like for tiredness, but I googled it for you to try and help becuase I felt I wanted to help as best I can, and apaprenlty the student services dept should eb able to suggest answers...'

Oh and we have 4, we have asked someone to have them for our first night out for three years but even then would have split them up if poss (rest of family at the sme event) as we will do for our anniversary next year; and then I amde it very clear to Mum that if she said no it was OK, and thats not overnight either.

I am a single parent with 4 children, and have never asked someone to look after all 4 for free, so I agree she is BU.

But I dont like some of the comments that I have read on this thread. Her children sound like a normal, large family, not the hooligans that some posts seem to imply.
Also, having 5 does NOT bump up her income if she is on income support - income support is calculated so that you have enough to survive + 1 luxury if you scrimp, HOWEVER many chidlren you have got.

You know what I've only been an MN'er for 6 months but it has the ability to make me PMSL , cry get angry etc. Increasingly tho I an at what some people have to put up with from so called "friends" and relatives.

You should definatly(sp) say NO to this woman. You have got so much going on in your own life and it is so worng of her to even ask you to do this for her.

Some people just seem to go about their lives taking the piss out of others. It makes me really I was on a thread just the other day where one poor lady was having to put up with an unannounced and unwelcome house guest 3 weeks after her baby was born! She was brave enough to get this friend person to leave and go stay at her bro's house. You can say no too. It is unfortunate that she will have to sort someting else out BUT that is her prob not yours. Enjoy your own children and try to rest up

Let us know what you decide.

she's taking the piss- you r not being unreasonable!

don't feel guilty about saying no- if she cared about you the way you care about her she wouldn't even ask you to look after them let alone expect it

end of

YANBU - use the recent case with the two policewomen to your advantage and point out that you are not (I assume) a registered child minder and do not want to end up in court. 1 adult to 7 children is an inappropriate ratio given the ages of the children, so that is two reasons for you to say no that are founded in law to back you up.

Morally of course she should not be putting this on you, who is more important to you, your children or hers?

Good luck xx

I know I will just have to tell her, I just missed a visit from her as I was out she was coming to use my phone

I know benefits are low but as she has 5 she get nearly (nearly not 400 itself) 400 a week and saves about 150 a week so has savings. I was not trying to be an ass about her not being hard up, compared to me she is not hard up and has a lot of savings, so could afford to pay someone.

they are not hooligans but they don't listen to me, and the 12 year old can be awful when she's in the mood. They all eat different stuff aswell. I just can't cope with them to be honest

Some money is for expenses like winter coats etc that doesnt come every month. She's doing well to put that much aside - but I agree she should spend it on childcare!
Some options just arent available when youve got more than 2 children, and merrily leaving your children with a relative is one of them, imo.

the different likes and dislikes is simply a probability thing - if theres a 50:50 chance that one child will dislike cauliflower cheese, whats the % chance that all of 5 childre will like it...low, I can tell you.

Also, the discipline is partly a ratio thing. 2 parents:1 child = more parent power than 1 parent : 5 children. Obviously, I speak from bitter experience.

What about the father/s of the kids? Sounds like she should get them more involved. She must have thought they were good father material at 1 time. Where are they now? A cousin sounds a bit of a distant relative to be this demanding. Does she not have any siblings? All sounds very strange.

At the end of the day it's her problem not the OP's. She has no entitlement to this level of assistance from a parent nevermind a cousin. It's TOO much to ask.

Of course you're not being unreasonable. Good luck sticking up for yourself and come back and let us know how it goes, whether it's badly or well. Looking after so many kids is a lot for anyone, your very young toddler needs you and you're soon going to have two under 2 including a newborn - I would guess that if you don't tell her how you feel she's also going to expect childcare from you then.

I don't think you should have to do it, but if you do end up caring for them and they're all eating different stuff, I'd suggest that you ask her for them to bring food with them - either a packed lunch or stuff that you can have a sandwiches/no or very minimal cooking involved.

she was a victim of dv and got away so no father on scene. all her family are in that other country, but her mum could come for long visits and go back, that is allowed. when she took this course I never said I would help as she was bringing another of our cousins for a long visit and then go back and then bringing her mom after that, but this never happened even though she has the savings for it. She is waiting on hearing about her childcare money, but that don't help when they are sick or when she is back late and for shifts, even if she does get it, and the 12 year can't go to nursery, so there are gaps to fill. also my son is off today with the same symptoms her son had on thursday It is kind of complicated and she has my dad running abotu like a headless chicken trying to help, but behind my Mums back as it si of course taking the piss, and there are issues where he has put her ahead of her and my kids as he feels sorry for her. At the moment I don't even want to speak to her, as she is only texting to ask for stuff, stuff that si easy like phone calls, when she has at least 2 mobiles she never tops up. is getting a bit much.

If she was a victim of domestic violence, maybe her judgement was changed by that? I am not an expert, and do not want to insult any victims of domestic violence by trying to fully understand its effects; however, one of the ways people get out of situations like that is by asking for help, and being single-minded about it. And people do help: after all, these victims need help, and deserve help. Quite right!

However, perhaps after this cousin got out of her situation, she never adjusted to realising that she could do things for people now, and does not realise that people are not so willing to do everything for her when there is not so much at stake?

Does this explanation make sense to anyone?

I'm not sure how she will adjust, or can be persuaded to, particularly as her family is so far away, but you are evidently taking too much strain, Jennylee, and it's not surprising you want this to stop. That is a separate issue from why she is doing this.

P.S. There are plenty of amazing people who have left abusive relationships and had normal relationships with those around them (enjoying their independence, doing things for others again, having things done for them which aren't part of the dynamic of violence, etc.), so it must be possible!

You have to say no, or this could create huge problems. I have been through a similar experience with a friend of mine who got a new job and asked me to look after her four children for a week until she got used to her new job. I agreed, as i felt sorry for her as she had been through some difficult times and i was glad that she was getting back on her feet. Before i knew it a week had turned into a month. It was very difficult for me as i has 3 dc's under the age of four and i was actually on ML.I really could not cope with seven children in the home. I eventually told her that i couldn't cope, she was really upset with me and now refuses to speak to me. TBH i was relieved when she stopped speaking to me.
OP i would advise you to nip it in the bud NOW. Just say no. If she gets upset with you , that is her problem. You've tried your best and helped out as much as you could.

Well I saw her today and at first I was happy as she said I will just have to be off next week as haven't got childcare, I said I think my DAd will help one of the days maybe and then she said oh friday will be the best day as I just Can't miss on friday and then she sadi that monday was only half day. her mum called her phoen while she was here and she was saying I have no one to look after the kids, I have no childcare, over and over. Usually I end up muttering that I could maybe help under this pressure but I jsut said nothing, and she did nto ask directly, but I still did not tell her its so hard as she will be offended. She just said childcare was more expensive if they go all day and she does not want to pay for it, so they are not in childcare untill she hears if it is getting paid for. Was a bit awkward, but she came to use my phone and internet untill she gets hers sorted in a few weeks.today I lay nauseous on the sofa feeling sick and had to nap with my dd for 2 hours as soon as she left, so even half day I just can't manage. I hope she gets the message from todays conversation.

Ohh you're right - the ofsted childminding rules would almost certainly apply here!

Having said that, I think you've helped enough. You're pregnant AND have a toddler, that's a good enough reason to say no. It's one of the times when you just have to be honest and put yourself first.

If someone has five kids then they should realise that's a hell of a lot to ask someone to look after!

Let's put it this way - when I only had one quiet little dog and didn't feel it was too much of an imposition to ask one of my fellow dog owners to mind her. Now that I have a very cheeky Jack Russell as well I'm reluctant to ask ANYBODY!

It's all about not taking the piss!!!!!!!!

I took the cowards way out after her hinting on tuesday and me not saying anything, she has my dad her uncle doing 2 days, her sons friends mother doing one day and taking a day off, not sure about he other half week though. But my son my dd and my dh all got the flu/cold from her son that was brought when ill, so never again will be helping when they are sick.