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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to kill my DH (sorry a bit long)

43 replies

Gonnabamumma · 10/10/2009 08:35

We have just had our DD (2 wks, 3 days) and since I got home from hospital (the same day I gave birth) DH has kept on at me to get out and about and to try and get back to "normal". Nothing feels normal and I am finding coping a bit difficult, especially as am breast feeding on demand. DH suggested we could go out for dinner last night with another couple we are friends with, my mum was going to baby sit, but I just felt knackered and didn't feel up to it, especially as we had to go into central london and I couldn't face 40 mins on the tube. So instead I suggested that he go and meet our friend for a few drinks, I asked him not to be late (he has a habit of staying out all night when he gets going), he said fine and off he went. I just got DD to settle and had just got to sleep, when he called me at 11.30pm, pissed as a newt a little worse for wear, saying oh having a lovely time, I am not going to be home early. I was livid and told him he had woken me and it was nice to know where we fit in his priorities. Told him to sleep in the spare room. He started babbling, so I hung up and went back to bed - cue no sleep as so f-ing angry! He turned up at 4.45am, and came into our bed, could hardly stand! I am so angry, I actually don't know what to do to him! I am such a pushover usually and just carry on, but I am really AIBU to tell him to grow the fuck up and stop being such a selfish shit? (sorry about the language)or am I over reacting because I am tired, hormonal and feel like I have been hit by a truck. Any suggestions as to how to kill him?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 10/10/2009 08:38

Absolutely tell him to fuck off and grow up. And tell him this is normal now. That's what happens when you have a baby. You don't go out all night and get drunk. You stay home and care for it.

I would be furious and not letting him sleep. Let him get up and change nappies while you get settle to feed.

Time for him to grow up.

starwhoreswonaprize · 10/10/2009 08:40

He needs a big helping of reality and so does his mother, even agreeing to babysit
Let him hold your dd as you slowly tell him that she has changed you and your lives forever. She needs you and you need her 24 hours a day for the next few weeks/months and he is no longer first.

Just noticed it was your mother.

Your DH needs to grow up asap.

TeeteringOnTheEdge · 10/10/2009 08:41

YANBU

If if was feeling as you do now, with hindsight, I would take to my bed for a week. Get used to DD and sod the rest.

Congratulations!

starwhoreswonaprize · 10/10/2009 08:41

And congratulations!!

ssd · 10/10/2009 08:42

for you op

your dh sounds like a right arse

you need to sort him out quick

ssd · 10/10/2009 08:44

sorry forgot to say congratulations

PoisonToadstool · 10/10/2009 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FourArms · 10/10/2009 08:45

I don't think if you are bfing on demand that you can expect to go out without the baby for at least a few weeks more. When DS1 was this age I took him along with us (but he was an easy baby). Fed him before the meal and then he slept in his carseat under the table.

I think YANBU to be cross that he didn't come home when he said he would, but this seems to be his usual practise. I might have told him to stay out at the friends overnight, let you get a peaceful night without worrying about what time he was going to come in, and then expect him to be home by say 10am (ready to help out).

I think it's really hard for dads as well as mums when a new baby comes along, and I'm sure he thinks he is being helpful with his advice for you to try and get out and about.

He probably needs to adjust his expectations of future life a bit.

noshouting · 10/10/2009 08:47

Hi he sounds as though he is in deep denial, my partner did this and it was hideous.
How you respond really depends on how your partner ticks, shouting may just be put down to hormones by him.
I would be tempted to disappear to your mums this morning and get some TLC and sleep if possible.
Tell him how you feel later today calmly if you can.
Tell him if he ever does it again you will lock him out.
A drunk man in your bed is a cot death risk if you fall asleep when feeding.
Good luck xx

norksonmywitchesbroomstick · 10/10/2009 08:48

No idea how to kill him, but I understand your anger.

It is no surprise you didn't want to go out, you are in the postnatal period, still recovering from the shock and change that a newborn brings to the house, And if you are anything like I was, feeding constantly, and not WANTING to leave my baby even for a minute.

He needs to find his balls step up and be a husband and a father.

for the fact you have to put up with this behaviour

Original poster
Gonnabamumma · 10/10/2009 08:48

Thanks ladies - I am sitting here plotting how best to ruin his weekend (he deserves it) He was going off a motorbike rideout all day tomorrow to brighton, might just tell him her isn't going now (evil emoticon)

My Mum was just trying to help and is dying to spend as much time with DGC as poss - her heart is in the right place and has been lovely. (First GC)

Little DD is sleeping at the mo, when she wakes up, am going to bring her up to daddy to deal with!

OP posts:
moondog · 10/10/2009 08:50

wHAT AN UTTER WANKER.
oUT FOR DINNER IN CENTRAL lONDON LEAVING BREASTFED BABY BARELY 3 WEEKS POST-PARTUM???

No way.

PoisonToadstool · 10/10/2009 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 10/10/2009 08:50

Sorry,but he´s an absolute selfish t!t!

I wouldn´t have wanted to go out leaving a 2wk baby.

Like you,was breastfeeding,but at 2 wks definately had no provision in place for expressing,so couldn´t have left baby even if emotionally I had felt able to.

I wouldhave been more than happy to have let my husband goout,but would have expected himbackby say midnight?

Would also have expected him towant to be back,tbh.

Congratulations,btw!

cocolepew · 10/10/2009 08:51

Hide his bike keys.

Congratulations

norksonmywitchesbroomstick · 10/10/2009 08:52

I also cannot believe he is considering a bike ride at all especially after last nights behaviour.

Congratulations, and I think you may need a name change now DD is here

TeeteringOnTheEdge · 10/10/2009 08:55

Show him this thread.

diddl · 10/10/2009 09:01

Might be tempted to let him go tomorrow & have Mum round for the day to fuss over self & baby,if that would work.

Dee78 · 10/10/2009 09:01

YANBU his behaviour is unnacceptable, but I do agree with FourArms that sometimes it takes some Dads a while to adjust to the practicalities of how much life has to change when you have a new baby.

My DH pulled this one a few times in the first few months after our DS was born and when we talked about it he wanted to "make the most" of a night out because he knew he was going to be going out less now. He found it hard to say he was leaving when all his friends were staying out as he felt left out of the group (we were the first to have kids). Mens relationships with friends can really change after a baby if all they've done is go out drinking together and it can be a hard few months while everyone sorts this out.

Only you know your DH enough to judge if this is just a period of adjustment or likely to become a problem and therefore how is the best way to react but you are completely reasonable to be very pissed off.

I wouldn't leave him with your DD this morning though, I tried that and lasted about 10 minutes, I was too worried he would drop our DS in his hung over state!

CloudDragon · 10/10/2009 09:12

You have my sympathy, my otherwise lovely DH went out when DS2 was about 4 days old to wet the babies head.

He went out with my dad,

they arrived back home at 2am, my Dh was so pissed he sang as he came up the stairs. Waking up my DSS (aged 12- who got upset), my DS1 (aged 20 months - who took 30 mins to get back to sleep)

and DS2 (who was awake most the time anyway to be fair!)

I then heard crashing down stairs to find out he had invited our drunk mate back to sleep, who managed to be sick in our sink .

To my shame I slapped DH so hard he had a mark in the morning (he to this day thinks he got it getting home as he was so pissed he couldnt remember)

It took him a few weeks to readjust to ahving another baby (3 time!!!) and since then he has been grand.

But you need to get him to realise, talk about how hard you are finding it with a HV in front of him, ask her for suggestions

point out that in lots of cultures (such as China/india, women often are not allowed to leave their houses for 4-6 weeks), my Sikh neighbour does this everytime and though boring is probably very good for her.

We used to do it here until recently, your body is in shock.

good luck it get's easier I promise you

Original poster
Gonnabamumma · 10/10/2009 09:15

Thanks for all your righteous anger for me. Have been with DH 8 year next week, married for 1.5.

Dee78, think that is the case with DH, he doesn't like to be the one to leave first (chance would be a fine thing), he is the one to close the party

diddl, that is pretty much how I felt, agreed to go, immediately regretted it, as didn't fancy expressing in a toilet and was happy for him to go out an have a bit of man time - he has been at home with me since the baby arrived, and has been ok (not brilliant) but has done nappies and will do bottles of EBM, and dress her. Hasn't got the hang of swaddling, but baby steps...

FourArms, I couldn't take DD out at the mo, she likes to party in the evenings (takes after her father) at the mo is awake from 3.30pm - 10pm and only happy if she is attached to me or getting walked round the room - I think you are right, we are both adjusting, but it has happened a bit quicker for me (unny that

Have just spoken to my mum and she is coming over to help me this morning and am going to leave DH in bed, as can't be bothered to see him dripping round the house with a hangover smelling like a barmans shoes.

Thanks ladies, am going to put the homicide on hold, as DD doesn't need a mum in prison as well as a tit for a father

Now, really need to think of a new name!

OP posts:
Original poster
Gonnabamumma · 10/10/2009 09:17

CloudDragon - am sorry but pmsl at you giving DH a slap - deservedly so - I should have done that, he def wouldn't have remembered and it would have been so satisfying!

OP posts:
junkcollector · 10/10/2009 09:21

YANBU. You are not overreacting at all and should definitely tell him how you feel.

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job managing to settle your DD and go to bed, I think it took me about a year . I certainly wouldn't have been up to going out for a night at that stage.

Not wanting to excuse his utterly childish behaviour but agree with others and would say that he probably hasn't bonded and fallen in love with your DD yet. It took my DH about 6 weeks (the first time he smiled) before he fell in love with DS1. He also might be in shock a bit. He'll probably realise how his life has to change when he falls in love with her.

Hope everything improves.

CloudDragon · 10/10/2009 09:23

Gonna - it was !

MmeGoblindt · 10/10/2009 09:29

I don't know where this "he has to adjust to being a father comes from", tbh.

Unless your DH is 16yo, he has had his time of going out and getting pissed with his mates and coming in roaring drunk at 4am.

I think that as long as we accept that men take a couple of weeks/months to come to terms with fatherhood we are enabling this shoddy behaviour.

If a woman goes out leaving a 3 week old baby for a night on the town she would get a massive flaming on here for it.

The father gets a pat on the head and the old "Men" "Oh, he needs to adjust".

Selfish bastard.