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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to kill my DH (sorry a bit long)

43 replies

Gonnabamumma · 10/10/2009 08:35

We have just had our DD (2 wks, 3 days) and since I got home from hospital (the same day I gave birth) DH has kept on at me to get out and about and to try and get back to "normal". Nothing feels normal and I am finding coping a bit difficult, especially as am breast feeding on demand. DH suggested we could go out for dinner last night with another couple we are friends with, my mum was going to baby sit, but I just felt knackered and didn't feel up to it, especially as we had to go into central london and I couldn't face 40 mins on the tube. So instead I suggested that he go and meet our friend for a few drinks, I asked him not to be late (he has a habit of staying out all night when he gets going), he said fine and off he went. I just got DD to settle and had just got to sleep, when he called me at 11.30pm, pissed as a newt a little worse for wear, saying oh having a lovely time, I am not going to be home early. I was livid and told him he had woken me and it was nice to know where we fit in his priorities. Told him to sleep in the spare room. He started babbling, so I hung up and went back to bed - cue no sleep as so f-ing angry! He turned up at 4.45am, and came into our bed, could hardly stand! I am so angry, I actually don't know what to do to him! I am such a pushover usually and just carry on, but I am really AIBU to tell him to grow the fuck up and stop being such a selfish shit? (sorry about the language)or am I over reacting because I am tired, hormonal and feel like I have been hit by a truck. Any suggestions as to how to kill him?

OP posts:

junkcollector · 10/10/2009 09:35

Not excusing it just saying that some men DO take time to adjust. It might be reassuring for her to know that not all men are a paragon of fatherhood from the word go. Yes, he is being a selfish arse, but some are at first.

Sharpyharpy · 10/10/2009 09:56

Of course it takes some time to adjust, some men quicker than others but then again some women are instant earth mothers and others take ages and spend weeks crying no one would dream of saying, for goodness sake you've had 9 months to get used to it - pull yourself together!. lol

Sharpyharpy · 10/10/2009 09:57

Still think he was a git though

MmeGoblindt · 10/10/2009 09:59

Of course it takes both new mums and dads a bit of time to get used to having a baby.

But the mums don't tend to spend the adjusting time at the pub till 4am.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 10/10/2009 10:00

I know it's not, but it occurred to me that this HAD to be a wind up... cos surely no-one's DH could be that much of a totally clueless W£$ker...

I'm shocked, I'm disgusted, and he needs a really good sitting down, ideally this morning when he's got a hangover and in pain and literally tell him how it is, and how it's going to be from now on.

I suggest you tell your mum everything and I'm guessing that she'll be as outraged as the rest of us and will end up going upstairs and dragging him downstairs literally by his bollocks, so that the riot act can be duly read to him.

You can't let him get away with thinking all this shit. It stops today.

TheProvincialLady · 10/10/2009 10:13

If this was my DH then he would be up and about, vacuuming and cleaning the kitchen, generally making himself useful. Why let him treat you like this AND get a fecking lie in? Start as you mean to go on love and never accept this behaviour again. It is not your mum's responsibility to cover for your husband's inadequacies.

Iamamumma · 10/10/2009 10:15

6feetunder - I only wish it was a wind up - sadly it is the total truth!

My mum is here and is helping me out, am off for a shower and shout

Will be back later to tell what his pathetic excuses were!

MmeGoblindt · 10/10/2009 10:18

i agree. why should he get a lie in and a quiet day as a reward for his behaviour.

get up there with a bucket of ice cold water.

daisy71 · 10/10/2009 10:30

Dear God, his behaviour beggars belief-selfish tosser!
I'm having my baby on Wed and if DH behaves like this, I'll batter him to death with my breast pump (and he knows it! )

norksonmywitchesbroomstick · 10/10/2009 11:51

Like the name change BTW.
Glad your Mum s there to help. And when your H finally gets up he spends the rest of the weekend making it up to you

SolidGhoulBrass · 10/10/2009 12:37

I do think it's worth mentioning that new mums, too, sometimes find it hard to adjust ie some of us did get a babysitter and go out and party a week or two post partum. Not saying this is compulsory, but I do get a bit fed up of all the whining martyrdom about how once you've had DC there is NO More Fun Ever.
If this H is otherwise good and supportive and well-meaning, it's worth agreeing to schedule in good nights out say once a fortnight, and the same number of treats for you, OP. Scheduled fun is fine as long as it's fairly shared out.

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/10/2009 14:07

giggled at idea of bucket of ice cold water

Sharpyharpy · 10/10/2009 14:08

Totally agree - with SGB as usual - its motherhood not marterdom

TheCrackFox · 10/10/2009 14:16

I couldn't even walk 3 weeks after postpartum never mind going out for swanky meals in London. Luckily for me my DH is not a selfish git.

OP point out to your DH that you have a new baby not a guinea pig. He needs to act like a father and partner. Tell him you are disappointed in him and his lack of support but you also need to reassure him that in couple of months things will have calmed down.

supersalstrawberry · 11/10/2009 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

benjysmum · 11/10/2009 23:34

There's a book called "how to kill your husband". You may not actually take the advice in it (invloves a holiday and tampons) but it'll make you feel a lot better. I left it lying around the house in full view of DH for a bit and he was instantly much nicer!!

LyraSilvertongue · 11/10/2009 23:39

I agree with Solid. I went out for a birthday meal when DS1 was 3 weeks old and my mum babysat. BUT, we went to a restaurant round the corner, no more than 5 mins walk from home (we lived in a central London flat at the time) so no long tube journey or anything.
OP, your DH is being a twat but it does take time to adjust to becoming a parent. I know I was surprised at the reality of how little freedom I had once DS1 was born despite having 9 months to get used to the idea.
You need to make it clear to him that he's going to have to grow up fast and get used to the idea that his days of being footloose and fancy free have been seriously curtailed.

slowreadingprogress · 12/10/2009 00:23

Agree with most on here that he is being a bizarre twat. I think it could help to spell things out more clearly for him about where you are just now. Your mind and body have just been through 9 months of extreme change followed by (even if a great birth) a huge physical event/trauma followed by huge doses of hormones and the physical intenseness of starting to breastfeed.

NONE of this has happened to your dh. I think he needs to be told in no uncertain terms just how major this is for you and how very soon this is for you to be thinking of going out.

I think as Lyra says, that a meal together very close to home would be a nice start, when you feel ready, just because you don't want a big night out at this stage doesn't mean it isn't a good thing to get out. I still remember DH's and my first night out after DS, it's a fond memory because I was ready!

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