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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make my husband spend Christmas away from me and dc's?

32 replies

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 19:28

OK, I am preparing myself - I probably abu but what the hell!
Every year for the last 8 years dh has had his cousin to stay for Christmas, always for 2 weeks. I have always been pissed off with this, i find him really hard work and we don't get on well. He also sleeps for much of the day (in the living room or one of the dc's bedrooms!)
Well, he moved very much closer to us, but he does not drive and would rely on our local bus to get over, he visits when i am out , and dh visits him in his flat often.
I work on a Maternity unit and do 13 hour shifts. I have told dh that if i am lucky enough to have Christmas Day off that i do not want his cousin over at all as he would be here for 48 hours and i want to relax.
We have had a huge row, and i have said 'if you want to see him, then spend Christams Day at his flat, we will not be joining you though!'.
He has said 'fine, i will', maybe in anger and maybe not. He has just gone out, (pre arranged) and i don't know what is going on.

AIBU to want Xmas without dh's cousin for once?
AIBU to make him spend Xmas at his cousins?

(By the way, if i am working, dh and dc's are going to my parents, so will all be irrelevant!)

OP posts:

PeedOffWithNits · 09/10/2009 19:30

YANBU to want christmas on your own without company - tis hard work, especially if you dont really get on and the guests are no help/lazy!

mrspnut · 09/10/2009 19:31

YANBU - Definitely not. I'd be packing his bag and dropping him off if it meant I could have a quiet christmas with my children.

Northernlurker · 09/10/2009 19:33

YOur dh wants to put his cousin before you and your kids? Is he having an affair with him? Is he not his cousin but long lost son?

THis is all very odd.....

TheCrackFox · 09/10/2009 19:33

YANBU. Is there anyone else his cousin could spend Christmas with?

PoppyIsApain · 09/10/2009 19:36

Your dh is the one BU

Original poster

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 19:36

They come from a very troubled family and are close as brothers. There is nobody else the ccusin could stay with as he can't afford to travel back, but tbh that is not my problem, is it?

OP posts:

nighbynight · 09/10/2009 19:38

Not sure if you are BU or not, but I do sympathise...I wouldnt want a strange man kipping on the sofa over Christmas either.

AllGoneSouth · 09/10/2009 19:42

Bit confused here. If you are working and your dh and dcs are going to your parents' then where the cousin go?

AllGoneSouth · 09/10/2009 19:43

will

thisisyesterday · 09/10/2009 19:43

no, i don't think you're beiung unreasonable at all.
even if your dh is extremely close to his cousin, I think that YOU should come first, and i don't think it's in any way unreasonable to want to spend christmas day just with your family for the first time in 8 years!!!

your husband is reallybeing unreasonable i think. why can't he see his cousin on boxing day?

diddl · 09/10/2009 19:48

Can´t you also go to your parents even if you don´t work, & let cousin sort himself out?

How old is he?
He really has no one else to go to?

8 yrs is a long time for him never to have even jad a gfriend to go to.

(Unless he´s only about 18 now)

RainRainGoAway · 09/10/2009 19:56

I wouldn't even want my favourite relative with me for 8 Xmas's in a row!! not even my sister.

He is being VU!
You are a saint!
The comprimise - you have a year off from him and then have him next year. I am from a troubled family, but that doesn't mean I would impose something like that on my DH year upon year. 2 weeks is too long IMO.

Original poster

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 19:59

He has never had a girlfriend serious enough to spend Christmas with, and he is 26!

I had thought about going to my parents, but dh assumes that his cousin can come too (he has once before because he was staying with us!). So if i say we are all going to Mums we will just have another argument (the same one) about cousin not coming, as then we are seeing family. So i don't have the peace and quiet excuse.
I have said to dh that we will pop to my parents for a couple of hours in the afternoon on our quiet Xmas day, this did not go down well! But 2 or 3 hours with my parents is very differnt from someone in your house on the sofa for 48 hours.
He likes to analyse (sp!) mine and dh marriage (from a man with no girlfriend!), and tell my dc's off! Last time he spent any time in my house he ignored me for 3 days when i told him the only people to tell dc's off would be me and dh!
he is hard work!

OP posts:

cocolepew · 09/10/2009 20:02

This is wierd. Why does he stay for 2 weeks, if he's only a bus ride away? He and DH see each other during the year, it's not like he lives on the other side of the world. I wouldn't let anybody stay in my house who ignored me. Your Dh is being unreasonable.

RainRainGoAway · 09/10/2009 20:02

Let the dust settle, and then perhaps approach it again after giving your DH the best sex of his life!

He will agree to never seeing the cousin again!

Original poster

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 20:03

Rain - i made that very suggestion to dh, he was not happy. I really object to having my Xmas mapped out for me for all eternity to spend with somebody i really don't like!
dh thinks my family are weird because we don't live in each others pockets. Apparently his family don't 'do' alternating!
And we have to do it his way, because my way excludes people!
I will be excluding dh at this rate!
I almost wish i had signed the sheet to work Xmas day!

OP posts:

Tryharder · 09/10/2009 20:04

I appreciate that you don't like your DH's cousin but season of goodwill and all that.

I see your husband's position if his cousin is going to be left alone on Xmas Day (which having once spent Xmas Day entirely alone is not a nice feeling at all, believe me)

So perhaps you are B a bit U (sorry)

Original poster

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 20:04

cocolepew - he used to live a very long way away and stay for 2 weeks. This summer he moved to be closer to us, and is now a 20 minute bus ride away.

OP posts:

moondog · 09/10/2009 20:06

2 weeks??
That is so weird.
I love my sisters dearly but no way would I have aNYONE FOR 2 WEEKS LEAST OF ALL SOMEONE JUST DOWN THE ROAD.

wHY CAN'T THE COUsin entertain you at least once or twice?

Original poster

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 20:10

Sorry , I am not being very clear - now he is closer, he wants to stay 2 days (arrive Xmas Eve, leave day after Boxing Day). When he lived far away, it was 2 weeks.
He won't even join in. We go to church for the crib service, we are atheist, but enjoy the carols (I know, I know!). He won't come to anything and gets moody that we go!
Last year he came to crib service and stomped out half way through!

OP posts:

Katisha · 09/10/2009 20:15

Is there any mileage in sending this bloke a letter explaining that if he expects to be at your house every Christmas Day until the end of time that you would like to clear the air about a few things (ie put him straight.)
Mainly that he does not carry on behaving as though he resents your presence in your own house at Christmas.
Can you phrase it in such a way as to sound as if you are willing to start again, put past unsuccessful visits behind you and all be grown-ups together, rather than him and DH trying to be a band of two with you as the disapproving adult.

cocolepew · 09/10/2009 20:16

Oh, ok I understand now!

fishie · 09/10/2009 20:17

it is difficult when one partner expects to spend the whole festive season with their extended family and the other wishes to nestle with their own small unit or even go away on hols.

i am from the former camp myself, so cousins, friends, whoever are all welcome and we go to my parents house for the duration. dh finds this ghastly and in fact we never spent xmas together until ds arrived (about 10 years into our relationship). what would your children prefer tummytickler?

wheredidiputmyfone · 09/10/2009 20:18

Is he a bit lacking somehow? Why can't he pick up the vibes that he's playing gooseberry in your family? Does he have no shame??

How embarassing for a 26 year old to feel able to treat your home as if he's your teenage DS! getting stroppy about you doing what you want with your family, honestly

YADNBU! it's a shame your DH hasn't taken him in hand and told him not to be such a brat.

Original poster

tummytickler · 09/10/2009 20:21

Katisha - i probably could do something like that, but i really don't want to!
I just do not want him here. I want Xmas to be mine, and my family's. Dh insists it will ruin his Christmas if cousin is not here.
dh is soooooo sensitive about his family - i can't say anything without him jumping down my throat!

I would send dh off for Xmas - he would go!
But it is not very nice for the dc's is it? They are only 8,6,4 and 2. But maybe it is preferable to an 'atmosphere' or full blown row (the cousin is VERY contrary, no matter what my position on any given subject, even one he knows nothing about!).
I am also deliberately excluded from conversations for an entire evening. Ooooh - i am making myself angry now!

OP posts:

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