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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why some men have this problem??

54 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 09:06

Ok Moving on from my previous thread...
my ex's gf has messaged ds1 to explain a lot of things on his fathers behalf.

and this is one of the things he has told her and she in turn has put in a message to ds1....

I cant answer your question about what went on with you and your Dad when you were seven, I was not in your Dad's life at that time, however he has told me his feelings on this matter, it hurt him a great deal to cut ties with you, he found it hard to come to a happy comprimise with your Mum, he did not feel strong enough to cope in this situation, I know it is hard to understand but I can assure you that being a parent is the hardest thing in the world, it does not come naturally to everybody, only now with my support is he able to feel strong enouigh to cope and even enjoy becoming a good and strong parent and the wonderful things that children bring into your life, he has told me many times that he could have done more and should have, but I believe it is better late than never.
.
I have kept the message and ds1 has seen it and replied.

But why can so many men get away with using their immaturity as a reason not to see their child???

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 09/10/2009 11:22

Well and senitively worded. But not her job at all

edam · 09/10/2009 11:24

I think your ex is pathetic although his new partner may be trying to help. Not great for your ds to be tangled up in adult emotions, though.

But FWIW my father was a terrible parent to me and especially my younger sister. It was only when he divorced my stepmother and then eventually had to become a single parent to my half sister (ex-step had a breakdown, we had to rescue half-sister and pretty much force our father to take her on) that he became a decent parent. A bit late for us older two, but we did build a better, if still troubled, relationship with him as adults.

HerBeatitude · 09/10/2009 11:29

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DuelingFANGo · 09/10/2009 11:33

Seriously - I think you need to get your EX to give your son another way of contacting him. Through a girlfriend on Facebook is definitely not the way to be doing this!

lisianthus · 09/10/2009 11:36

Am I the only one who does not think that what the GF is doing here is good?

Check out the wording of the email "it hurt him a great deal" "only now with my support is he able to feel strong enouigh to cope and even enjoy becoming a good and strong parent and the wonderful things that children bring into your life,"

It's all about the ex! It hurt HIM. It is about HIS enjoyment and your son bringing wonderful things into HIS life.

Where's the "He hurt YOU (DS)" "He is SORRY" He wants to make it up to YOU (DS)" "He wants to do his best to help and support YOU (DS) in your life"?

This is not an apology at all - it's an attempt to make your DS feel sorry for him and take responsibility for making his father feel good! The ex doesn't take any responsibility at all - he either pleads weakness for which other people (the GF and DS) need to rescue him, or he obliquely blames the OP by talking about difficulties in coming to a compromise. What a crock.

And this is even more obviously about the ex's wants and needs and not DS's because the GF hasn't even bothered to answer (or get an answer from her apparently illiterate DP) DS's very important question "I cant answer your question about what went on with you and your Dad when you were seven".

Surely it's crucial that this question be answered before your DS can start to trust his father again?

Please block this woman from contacting your 11 year old son on FB. It must be horrible for him to have to deal with this sort of pressure. Even if her intentions are ostensibly good, i.e. building up a relationship between DS and his father, how can it be good for him to go through this when it's obviously something his father is being pushed to do.

He's so reluctant he can't even be bothered to contact his son himself and is getting his GF to do it fgs! How does that make DS feel? Never mind that she seems to be doing it for her DP's benefit, not DS's, which I think is also backed up by some of your previous posts in which she complains about having to go out of their way at all to accommodate DS.

DuelingFANGo · 09/10/2009 11:39

"Am I the only one who does not think that what the GF is doing here is good?" i's good that she is encouraging him to take some responsibility for his child's wellbeing and the relationship they could have but IMO she should be getting him to make the contact rather than doing that herself.

My sister is probably the reason that her husband is now in contact with his daughter. She encouraged him continually to maintain a relationship with her but she didn't get involved immediately, which was best.

RealityBites · 09/10/2009 11:49

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Litchick · 09/10/2009 11:55

Okay so here's how it goes.

Dad can't be arsed to see his kids.

Dad meets new woman with kids of her own.

She's not going to give time of day to someone who can't be arsed with his own kids so he spins her a tale: Often 'my ex is a bitch', sometimes 'I was in an emotionally terrible place' yadda yadda.

New woman wants to believe story so jumps in with both feet without actaully thinking it through.

Eventually it dawns on new woman that her man is still doing feck all to see his kids.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 11:56

Slowreading....I have explained many times he initially was allowed the account so he COULD have contact with his father, who after a while deleted his account and then spoke to him via his girlfriends account. During this time, ds1 moved schools made new friends and added them to his facebook.....I have set him up a new account where the father and girlfriend cannot access him or any details about him. But I have kept the old one open until all friends of ds1's have moved across.

TBH i was stuck in a place where I KNOW what his father is like but ds1 wanted to "know where he came from and who his father was"

OP posts:
Litchick · 09/10/2009 12:00

And that is totally understandable that your DS would want.
What on earth has he made of all this emotionl spewage. Poor lad.

slowreadingprogress · 09/10/2009 12:03

well, call me old fashioned but I really don't think Facebook is an appropriate way to manage your son's need to 'know where he came from and who his father was'

DuelingFANGo · 09/10/2009 12:11

What's the point of the new account?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 12:15

Slow, I agree with you totally however he has had the account over a year now. It was initially the only way he could contact him. He had tried calling,texting and emailing him. He could not write to him as until 3 months ago i had no idea where he was living or had been living in the last 9 years.

So while i do agree this was probably not the ideal way to have the contact, it really was the only way. I had contacted various family and friends of the ex who did pass the messages on and i got a text saying "I am on FB now ds1 can contact me there"

He has not got the gf on his friends list and i did block her but he wanted to send his father "one last message" so i unblocked her and let him.

As for what he has made of all this, well he and I have a pretty good relationship and he has spoken a lot about what has gone on, he said he still does want to know him, he doesn't want his dad (dp) to think he doesn't love him or respect him because even etting to know his father will not change the fact that he (dp) is his dad"

He said he didn't like the things ex said about me and he told him that in a message.

I have to say he has/is handling it very well and i am giving him all the support he needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 12:17

Dueling, I am changing it over so that they can not see any new info about him, yes unless they are blocked on new one (which they are) they would be able to message him. As it is atm the old account is not being used by ds1 but the new one is, all the old one is there for is as a link to the new one iyswim?

once all his friends are moved over then the old one will be deleted. unless ds1 wants to keep that as a contact point.

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 09/10/2009 12:19

But why not SRP?

It is an obvious way to communicate. An excellent way, if used properly.

It's not the fault of Facebook, that some adults use it to emotionally blackmail their kids, any more than it's Royal Mail's fault that some adults would send mad letters through the post, or BT's fault that some parents would use the phone to spread poison.

It would never have occurred to me (until this thread) that FB would be an inappropriate way for my DC's to communicate with their children, except in the context of communication itself being a problem because their father is still emotionally unhealthy. But that's a contact issue per se, not the means of contact, IYSWIM.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 12:21

I would not have set him up an account if not for the contact. And I check it everyday, removing anything i don't think appropriate.

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 09/10/2009 12:22

LOL that should say my Dc's obv communicate withh their father, not their children... but I guess you prob realised that!

What age do children get FB accounts in general?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 12:24

Her, i know my nephew has one and he is 9, ds1 has had one since he was 10, I know others who are 9,10,11 who have them but the age limit is 13.

OP posts:
HerBeatitude · 09/10/2009 12:28

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Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 12:32

Her lol you can try...

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 09/10/2009 14:38

I'm with lisianthus, I have bad feelings about all of this.

So ExH can't contact, speak to, call or visit without the support of Saint Girlfriend the Great?

BUT, make sure your DS has funds to cover his own expenditure (her words) and I don't want my kids being bored by the long journey to come and get him.

If this donor of a dad can't actually communicate himself, live, in person, without SuperGirlfriend, then it seems like he's trying to ride his big boys bike before he's ready to take the stabilisers off.

I rather think that his sudden attack of conscience has got more to do with her telling him not to be such a dead beat dad, and shaming him into it, than him actually wanting to do it for himself/his own son. Or he's given her the impression (falsely) that he wants to be a proper dad and have more contact, because he thinks that's what she wants, or ought, to hear, or else she'd think he's an arse too and kick him out.

Either that or with her 4 kids, he's feeling a little outnumbered and wants to even up the teams a smidge...

I don't think she IS overly keen, perhaps she is trying to re-establish contact for some right reasons, but the comments that give her away the most are the ones about the money and the inconvenience to her kids.

I don't think she is doing this for genuine reason, and I don't think he's going along with it (for that all he IS doing) for the right reasons either. He's not battering down your door demanding to see your LO under any circumstances, he's allowing other people to do all the arranging, all the liasing, all he has to do is turn up. NOT acceptable.

I worry that this kind of insincere and ulterior motovated contact could be harmful for DS. I know the boy seems to be amazingly mature, and does seem to have a astonishingly real grip on things, but it still must HURT to have such an arse of a person needing to be handheld to be his father.

I'm afraid, FB must go, for a while. All contact must be between ExH and you, and you alone. you've said that you both can talk and get on... rather too well for your liking at times but this is something that MUST be sorted out, to your utter satisfaction before directly involving others.

6feetundertheGroundhogs · 09/10/2009 14:39

Motivated...

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 14:57

6feetunder ds1's father and I cannot get on!!!

as for the FB, that page he had is now mine well it is his but he can no longer access it.

OP posts:
6feetundertheGroundhogs · 09/10/2009 19:13

Sorry, i thought you mentioned in another post about texting him... I told you to stay on the wagon...

Have i got myself confused... is it not ExH you were talking about? Sorry, I'm a bit dim today.. DS in bed with fever...

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 09/10/2009 19:21

6feet noooooooooooo lol.....that was about someone else lol

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