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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DDs friend´s mother is being a meanie?

26 replies

MunkyNuts · 08/10/2009 14:13

DD1 is 4 and she sometimes goes to play with her friend when the friend´s Nanny is looking after them. DS2 is 3 and likes to go where DD1 goes. The Nanny has also done some nannying for us so knows my DC well and has said she is happy for them both to go round. I asked the mother today if it was ok if DS2 came along this afternoon to play with the girls and she said no. She said she was afraid her DD might get left out. We were all at their house yesterday after a ballet class and it was very clear that if anything it was my DS who was getting left out but he was happy to play on his own and occasionally check in to see what the girls were doing. The mother also doesn´t want her DD to come to our house with the Nanny in case she gets nervous (mother´s a bit neurotic imo). She also said I needed to look for a friend for my DS2 to play with. I know he needs friends of his own but he´s just started a new school and hasn´t had chance to bond with anyone yet. I just feel awful dropping off my DD and dragging DS away saying he can´t stay to play. Should I just let this go? I can´t help feeling upset for my DS.

OP posts:

pjmama · 08/10/2009 14:18

I can remember as a child my Mum forcing me and my friends to let my little sister play with us and we HATED it! Are you sure the girls are happy to have him tagging along? She might just be echoing her DDs wishes?

Just take DS somewhere nice and enjoy some lovely one on one time with him.

Cosette · 08/10/2009 14:19

sorry but I think YABU, usually if someone wants a friend to come round and play, then they just want their friend, and not their friend's little brother tagging along. If as you say they're playing without him and leaving him alone - then presumably the Nanny has to divert her attention to occupy him, instead of looking after the girls, and/or getting on with other chores. It's not easy, but he does have to learn his sister will play with other people, and that sometimes he's just not invited.

thedollshouse · 08/10/2009 14:21

Her house, her rules. YABU.

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP · 08/10/2009 14:22

I know it's different because of the ages of your DC and your DS can't understand why he can't play yet, but if you were talking about an 8 and 9 YO, you just wouldn't expect your DS to go and play with your DDs friend so he wasn't left out!

I can see where the mum is coming from, she can see that the dynamics of her DD playing with yours would be changed if they had to include/look after? your DS as well, and she perhaps wants them to do what they would naturally do when it's just the two of them.

I can also see that it's her house and you can't really tell her what to do in it

pippa251 · 08/10/2009 14:22

I don't think you are but I do think your son will be better off with you than being somewhere where he is not wanted- in my experience kids can pick up on things.

I've no nanny experience but maybe the nanny doesn't want to look after more kids than she's paid for or perhaps your friend resents her nanny looking after someone else's kids on her 'time'- IYSWIM espeically if DS is younger and may require more 'work'

If I were you I'd let it go and give your DS special time with mum- I'm sure he'd enjoy that more

RunningGirl · 08/10/2009 14:22

I can see your point of view but I think YABU (a bit). My DD is also 4 and neither her nor I would expect younger siblings to tag along to a play date.
If you had asked if DS could also stay for a bit to help you out so you could go to docs or whatever then that would be different and would be nice of her to do you a favour but I think your DD as well as her friends will get fed up if he tags along with them all the time.
Why don't you take him out somewhere fun after you've dropped DD off?
Do you know any of the other mums at DS@s school? Even if he hasn't made particular friends yet, can you arrange a play date with another child whose mum you're friendly with?

DailyMailNameChanger · 08/10/2009 14:25

YABU regardless of it being a nanny who is there or not, if someone is coming around on a playdate I do not expect to be lumbered with their siblings too - and I would say it is disrespectful to the nanny to expect her to put up with it!

If you want child free time sort it out yourself.

WRT "should I let this go" erm... what exactly are you going to do about it if you decide not to let it go? Dump the dc on the doorstep and run for it?

Acinonyx · 08/10/2009 14:30

YABU. If mum is coming too, then I expect the siblings. If not - NO siblings.

Hulababy · 08/10/2009 14:31

As hard as it seems, the playdate is for your DD and her friend. If the friend has wanted your DS she would have invited him as well at the time.

Three can be a very difficult number to start with. Even numbers work best generally where possible IME, else people get left out.

Also, your DD deserves time to play with her friends alone. I think most people with siblings would enjoy the chance to play with just their own friend, without brother or sister tagging along. At least occasionally.

Now I often do have DD's best friend and her sister - but then DD knows the little sister very well and they love one antother lots too. DD has know the little sister since she was born. And they do pay very well generally, although sometimes the littler one ends up doign her own thing for a while too - which is fine, we have things in place for that. But equally sometimes DD's best friend wants the chance t play with DD on her own as well, without little sister getting in on the act.

mazzystartled · 08/10/2009 14:31

yabu re expecting both children to go to play. she can invite who she likes, and you probably had no business asking the nanny if it was ok without clearing it with the mum.

yanbu re the little friend not coming to play at yours - but I bet her mum thinks you are getting the nanny round to look after your ds as well.

MorrisZapp · 08/10/2009 14:33

YABU.

3littlefrogs · 08/10/2009 14:33

She doesn't want to be paying the nanny to look after both your dcs.

BigusBumus · 08/10/2009 14:34

I have a clse friend who insists that her DSs (aged 7 & 4) go everywhere togther, which means that the older boy is not allowed to go to someones house after school for tea, and the younger one HAS to be invited along to birthday parties etc. Its relly tiresome and i wonder why she won't let her children be individuals and have their own friends and lives.

YAB(a bit)U in my opinion, and should allow your DD to have freedom, independance and a life away from her little brother. Alsoit was a little presumptious of you and a bit rude towards the nanny to expect her to have your kids.

overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 14:34

YABU, sorry.

They playdate is for your DD, not for your DD and DS.

And as sad as it may be for your DS to not be able to stay, that is just a lesson in life he needs to learn.

diddl · 08/10/2009 14:35

YABU.

There can´t be much worse than playing with a friend and having younger sibling tagging along.

They need their own friends.

And if you think your son is left out, why would you want him there?

Enjoy the time with just him!

overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 14:35

Bigus that is awful, those poor boys!

overmydeadbody · 08/10/2009 14:36

Agree with Hula and didl too.

Can'y you play with your DS while your DD is away?

lilyjen · 08/10/2009 14:42

YABU I can see it from the other side. when my DD was 5 she had a friend the same age with a brother who was 3. The girls wd play quietly and contentedly for AGES and I wd get all my housework done yipee! When little brother came round I spent all my time occupying him so he didn't bother the girls...it was difficult and the mother didn't understand my viewpoint at all. Worse because we were friends I felt terrible leaving him out but it just doesn't work that way in reality.

Original poster

MunkyNuts · 08/10/2009 14:48

Ok, Ok I get the message. Thanks everyone for your input. I wasn´t expecting the nanny to take both children, she offered, it was she who initially said she felt sorry for my DS and why didn´t I bring him along and from previous experience she said he was no trouble when he´s been there. Incidentally I do give her extra cash for looking after mine when they have been there, I´m not trying to get free childcare. Also I offered to stay today so its not a way of me getting childfree time. I didn´t make that clear. But fair enuff, I hear you all loud and clear and DS will make his own friends in good time. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

BLEEPyouYOUbleepingBLEEP · 08/10/2009 14:55

'Ok, Ok I get the message'
well...you did ask

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2009 15:00

yabu (but you now know this )

i am a nanny and often have dc nearly 7 friends round for a play date

i would be very annoyed if the mum then said younger sibling was staying

what i do do though, is is dc nearly 7 has a friend, i will also try and get a friend for younger brother dc4

so both have a friend,most times it works well, sometimes a friend cancells and one doesnt have a friend - sometimes all will play together - sometimes not

TheGashlycrumbTinies · 08/10/2009 15:11

If one DD is invited round to a friends for play and supper, then the other DD is taken to the shop to choose a magazine, decides on her own supper and watches a DVD with me.

Seems to work well for our little ones.

piscesmoon · 08/10/2009 15:28

I think it is wrong to get DCs to expect that one will do what the other does. They are individual, with their own friends.

katiestar · 08/10/2009 17:48

YABVU I suspect she feels she is paying for the nanny and while she is happy for your DD to entertain her DD ,having the Lo too seems like you are after free childcare

Original poster

MunkyNuts · 08/10/2009 18:59

Katiestar I mentioned in a previous post that I pay the Nanny and also that I was willing to stay there and supervise/play with the children so the mother knows this is not the case, I am certain the issue is not about me trying to get free childcare.

OP posts:

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