To not want to spend my 11th Xmas in a row at my inlaws? Long I'm afraid...

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I posted on this about the same time last year, ended up giving in and am now facing an 11th year. Yes I know there is a lesson in there for me .

Background: I have been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2 DC (5 and 7). Every xmas (apart from the first which we spent separately) we have gone to my ILs. To cut a long story short my only family left is my DF and he is busy with my SM and her family at xmas and as I'm not keen on my SM there is no question of spending xmas with them - we usually do a duty visit just before and everyone is satisfied with that.

Until the last couple of years, DH and I have lived in tiny flats/houses and didn't consider offering to host xmas. For the last couple of years we have lived in a reasonably sized house and have offered but are turned down by MIL on grounds

1. Too much work for me and DH ( we are in our 30s, she and FIL in 60s and he has not been well)
2. Me and DH would'nt be able to enjoy xmas with DC as too busy
3. She always used to take DH and his Dsis to her Dsis at xmas until they were older (not sure how this is relevant) and finally,
4. she really loves doing xmas.

Also other unvoiced but suspected reasons on her part -
5) me and DH would not do xmas to her standards, to be fair she does a wonderful xmas with vast, perfectly cooked spread and tastefully decorated house and no way mine and DH's first attempt would be like that and
6) SIL is v close to her parents and loves xmas at her childhood home with all traditions just so - she would be distraught at the thought of having to come to us instead.

Which brings us to xmas 2009, subject not yet broached with ILs. Me and DH talk about it last night, decide we would really like to have some xmases at home while the DC are still young rather than them only having memories of PIL doing it all (We do have breakfast, some presents and until late morning at home but then are at ILs until boxing day).

I say he (DH) has to broach the subject because they are his parents. He agrees. I also say there is no point "offering to host", it will just get refused for reasons as above, he needs to say "me, KamR and the DC want to do our own xmas this year, we hope you and SIL will join us and let us return a little of the hospitality we had over the years" (subtext so if you want to see your only DGC on xmas day you can come to us). DH looks worried, I am not convinced he will actually say this but will end up being a repeat of previous years.

FWIW I don't mean this to sound like an anti IL/MIL rant, I actually get on fine with them for most of the year. There just seems to be this thing about xmas that brings out this weird power struggle...

So if you are still reading AIBU?

not so unreasonable, not not so understandable!

Well, tbh, if it´s going to be the same people, then why not go to them?

I thought the point of not going was to be on your own or have different people to yours.

diddl because me and DH want to be able to do xmas day our way (rather than ILs rather formal OTT way), also because the DC want to stay at with their new toys. Most of all because we would like DC to have memories of xmas at home

Yes, I do get that KamR.

Well, tbh I think if you invite and they say no, that´s the decision made.

Your SIL sounds like a pathetic spoilt brat!

I´m not sure how far away you all are from each other, but surely ILs could do lunch for themselves, SIL & partner, & visit you at some point?

TBH, your MIL is "lucky" that both her children see her every year.

Most of us have to divide Christmases between our parents, husbands parents, and if we want, a "just us"!

Kam I think you and DH have been eminently reasonable and polite. Don't get too drawn in by any histrionics on their part. It's not just about their wishes, yours and your family's are important too, and it's not as if you haven't done your duty for far longer than many people would!

As adults they should be gracious about what you want. My mum for instance loves to host christmas and we always had lovely christmases but one year my brother and his girlfriend decided they would have a romantic christmas at home just the two of them. My mum was pleased, thought it was lovely, wished them a lovely time. That is the reasonable, adult way to respond!

If this were me I would simply ensure they are well aware that you want to leave your children with memories of christmas at home as well as at grandparents, and leave it at that. You don't need to justify that very reasonable wish!

The only thing other than that I might do would be to ask MIL if she wants to help you host, or wants to relax. She might be nervous of you coming over all bossy and make her feel like a useless old lady. Involve her as much as you can I'd say even if it's a bit annoying, because you will have won the war iyswim

and let SIL please herself, she's a grown up!

Yes I think MIL has been lucky as has always seen both her DC and both DGC on xmas day and never had to "share" them. Which is more than my DM ever got as she died when I was 11 and never met her DGC. I wish PIL would realise there are really worse things that could happen to them than being invited to a turkey dinner at ours...

Also, when your MIL had young children, did she go her her ILs every year and never have a Christmas at hers?

No MIL has had every xmas at hers for the last 30 years (i.e. since DH and his Dsis were 6 and 8)and before that always went to her family (i.e. never had xmas at her ILs). Ha! the more I post on AIBU the more I think IANBU, to think I was wavering .

Apologies for keeping returning to this thread BTW, DH is away for the weekend, literally incommunicado (up mountain) and have no-one to discuss it with...

So she´s had it "her way" for most of her life?

Yes, exactly!

Final (I promise) update from OP - PIL have agreed to come to us for xmas day! after long long period of not talking about it (whole weekend away with ILs in late Nov with xmas a taboo subject) and MIL brushing me off when I tried to raise the subject. DH prodded MIL again yesterday and she finally raised white flag...

Very much looking forward to doing the day, DC able to stay at home for the first time and I also plan in the evening to overturn ILs xmas rule of "soft drinks only after teatime" .

Thanks to all who have read my ventings on this subject and good luck to those who are still in "negotiations" on this issue!

Blimmin 'eck this is why I hate Christmas.

First year mr silverten and I spent Christmas on our own my mother turned the emotional thumscrews for all it was worth (made no difference, we spent it together alone and now no more is said about it). Pointless to go to my parents anyway as my stepfather will always pick a fight with me around 3pm (which is what led us to stop going to them in the end).

Then we did a couple of Christmases at ours with MIL & BIL and that was quite good- nice food, no histrionics and we all went for some nice walks in the cold (something we all fortunately enjoy).

Then went to MIL's for next couple- first was OK, second it was clear it was turning into a bit of a production with a few wobbly lower lips if we didn't do exactly what was planned when she wanted us to. There also seemed to be a bit of a precedent being set which was not a good sign.

So the next couple we spent on our own- we were busy with DIY anyway- and for the first MIL deliberately sat at home on her own, sulking and refusing to answer the phone, then whinged about what an awful Christmas she'd had. (FFS...) For the second one she realised that this sort of behaviour wouldn't work and spent it with BIL & his girlfriend, and surprise suprise, the world didn't end and she had a nice time.

This year we are expecting our first child.

I have taken a unilateral decision that Christmas is cancelled in its entirety, and we're both quite looking forward to some peace and quiet on our own.

We all have different sets of people who have a call on our time and not everyone gets their own way constantly. Be strong- just say no, weather the inevitable fuss and you will reap the benefits in the end.

YANBU, Kamer. Well done for picking your way through the minefield that is a family Christmas and coming out relatively unscathed!

I often think I am remarkably lucky at Christmas! Admittedly ex-dh and I mainly spent it at his parents when dcs were small but since ex-dh's idea of a family Christmas at home actually involved him spending it in the pub and rolling home to sleep on the carpet, going up to Hertfordshire was a better alternative. Even allowing for ex-MIL who could have won Gold for grizzling were it ever introduced into the Olympics.

With 5dcs between me and dp and an amicable relationship with the exes, we made the initial mistake of trying to be in too many places on Christmas Day. We also became conscious that we didn't want to lose sight of what we wanted from the day - a thoroughly convivial day which wasn't mainly spent as someone else's guest. So for our third Christmas together, we took an executive decision which we've successfully followed for the last 13 years. On the 25th December there's a fine dinner (we are talking 4pm here), plenty to drink and a comfortable house available to all/any/just the two of us.

This year we are expecting my ds1, ds2 (and gf)& dp's dd. Later we will be joined by the DFL contingent. Most people will stay over. Some won't. It's no more complicated than that.

I feel for anyone having to endure the unrealistic expectations that some people have of Christmas. I'm always struck by just how quickly that one day passes and thankful that it hasn't come at a ludicrous emotional cost!

11 years!!!! WTF. YANBU - not a jot! I had a recent thread on this too. Currently trying to get out of our 5th Xmas in a row with the ILs. DH keeps bottling out of telling them so I have ordered a very expensive bird from M&S, which I AM COOKING ON CHRISTMAS DAY IN MY OWN HOME!

I don't know where it all came from with my MiL as DH said that they never spent Christmas with their grandparents, it was something started between my MiL and SiL when SiL's kids were born. I say fine, let them carry on their traditions, but I want to start my own. It always makes me giggle when family want you to do what they want for years on end, but won't leave their house ever to repay the favour.