To not want to spend my 11th Xmas in a row at my inlaws? Long I'm afraid...

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I posted on this about the same time last year, ended up giving in and am now facing an 11th year. Yes I know there is a lesson in there for me .

Background: I have been with DH 12 years, married 8, 2 DC (5 and 7). Every xmas (apart from the first which we spent separately) we have gone to my ILs. To cut a long story short my only family left is my DF and he is busy with my SM and her family at xmas and as I'm not keen on my SM there is no question of spending xmas with them - we usually do a duty visit just before and everyone is satisfied with that.

Until the last couple of years, DH and I have lived in tiny flats/houses and didn't consider offering to host xmas. For the last couple of years we have lived in a reasonably sized house and have offered but are turned down by MIL on grounds

1. Too much work for me and DH ( we are in our 30s, she and FIL in 60s and he has not been well)
2. Me and DH would'nt be able to enjoy xmas with DC as too busy
3. She always used to take DH and his Dsis to her Dsis at xmas until they were older (not sure how this is relevant) and finally,
4. she really loves doing xmas.

Also other unvoiced but suspected reasons on her part -
5) me and DH would not do xmas to her standards, to be fair she does a wonderful xmas with vast, perfectly cooked spread and tastefully decorated house and no way mine and DH's first attempt would be like that and
6) SIL is v close to her parents and loves xmas at her childhood home with all traditions just so - she would be distraught at the thought of having to come to us instead.

Which brings us to xmas 2009, subject not yet broached with ILs. Me and DH talk about it last night, decide we would really like to have some xmases at home while the DC are still young rather than them only having memories of PIL doing it all (We do have breakfast, some presents and until late morning at home but then are at ILs until boxing day).

I say he (DH) has to broach the subject because they are his parents. He agrees. I also say there is no point "offering to host", it will just get refused for reasons as above, he needs to say "me, KamR and the DC want to do our own xmas this year, we hope you and SIL will join us and let us return a little of the hospitality we had over the years" (subtext so if you want to see your only DGC on xmas day you can come to us). DH looks worried, I am not convinced he will actually say this but will end up being a repeat of previous years.

FWIW I don't mean this to sound like an anti IL/MIL rant, I actually get on fine with them for most of the year. There just seems to be this thing about xmas that brings out this weird power struggle...

So if you are still reading AIBU?

Could one of your children have a present tht would be much better opened at home, eg a new bike or a games table. The idea being tht they are going to want to ride/play whatever with it at home and it isn't portable???? She's not going to want to upset the children. If you paint it from the kids' point of view 'A really wants to have christmas at home this year' - prime A to say so if necessary then she's can't argue can she. I think you all sound like reasonable people. I'm sure she will see the point about the children building up their own tradisions. She has her daughter going after all. My mother does boxing day and we leave her presents to the children for them to open there. That way she gets to do the 'throw a spread' thing. Mind you this year I've a ravening hoard coming for christmas. EEEEEEEK

Anyone bought any presents yet? Why do we do this to ourselves? Perhaps we ought to be more masculine about it all...

i know how you feel my mil is seperated from my fil and he's remarried which is great as shes a really nice lady and i spend alot of time with her 3 dd's and their dc's
my mum and dad are seperated.my dad runs a pub so go and see him in run up to xmas which is fine.usually have mil,bil,my mum and brother to our house xmas day have done for last 5 years.would like to go away or have fil over but i know mil will have the hump about it,my mum will be ok as she'll go to her brothers but wouldn't moan anyway.

YANBU. Your MIL does sound nice though so I would throw in a few bits like asking if she could bring her special cranberry sauce (or whatever) as you all love it so much - so you're keeping a lot of her traditions.

I'd also say that the DCs really want to have them over and are going to decorate the house 'just for nanny' and re-enact their school nativity, basically make your MIL feel a bit of an honoured guest and that way you all win.

Update from OP - DH finally got around to asking (after much nagging reminding from me) and the ILs have agreed to come to us! DH reports they were "very shocked" at suggestion, but I'm hoping they will get over it when they contemplate their first xmas in 30 odd years without having to cook, etc. On that note I am off to the xmas thread to get some tips

yay! well doen your dh and you for nagging him

I'm a bit worried about Christmas this year.We have 5dc and 9 dgc between us [married 21 years no 'our'dc 2 mine 3 his but feel all are ours]Usually we have one or other family here or we have gone to them.This year I have a horrible feeling it just isnt our turn.I am dreading it being just the 2 of us.We will do stockings for one another as usual and have a nice meal but there will be no laughter ,no squeals of delight,no baby cuddles.If I say how I feel one of them will do something but its not fair to do that.Both stepsons live 3+ hours away ds lives in Turkey.Dd is 15 minutes away but came here last year as did ss1.Ss2 came the year before but has to be with d-i-l's dad this year as he is alone and not well.Son in Turkey just started new job and no time off.I feel and selfish.Sorry for threadjack.

How sad Christmas causes all this stress for everyone - shame we can't put relies into hat and swap round! strangers so much nicer! - I had to do x-mas last yr with a new baby and very unwell.(me not baby) small house, very messy me too unwell to sort out. Ilaws came - moaned about lateness of lunch (told in advance dinner at2 - we made 2.15) and generally wracked up presure. SIL moaned parents did'nt go to her (she changed her plans after all agreed). MIL fit as flea but can't be arsed to cook and more fun to watch me stagger round anyway. For sake of marital peace now decided Christmas alone with our dcs3 and if we eat at midnight - fine. Wish Ilaws would invite us for proper lunch but dream on. Has put a damper on my regard for family - which makes it easier for me to just say no next time they want to come to us! Do stick to your guns and nicely say you need your own Christmas traditions - why not have lovely boxing day with them and all christmas day to yourselves?

sorry - missed update - good for you - hope day goes well.

YANBU but I expect you might need to have one last Christmas with them and start a different tradition next year.

Doesn't help you much but we started our 'Christmas Rota' when we got engaged and have had a three year rotation ever since (year at each set of parents and a year on our own).

Now we have our first DD we're no longer planning on travelling at Christmas. However, we're still on the rota for now so DH parents this year and mine next year, then we'll be at home for the foreseeable future . An element of compromise is probably better in the long run and we felt it wise to keep to the rota one last time but let everyone know it was the last one.

Possibly also spend the morning with the DCs (either at home or can you afford to stay somewhere local to ILs) so you get some family time this year.

Good luck...

I really do wonder why there is so much fuss about Christmas and I know families fall out over it don't they. I agree with all the posters apart from the one who said something about "a good guilt trip is the way to go"- you sound very sane and rational and I'm sure it will sort out. I can well understand your wish for your children to have Christmas memories of their own home. My kids are all grown up but around Christmas time they often talk of memories of childhood Christmas's at home - precious things - memories.

YANBU
Ive spent every christmas with my parents, for the last few years ive wanted to do my own christmas dinner, my mum seemed a bit put off by the idea so always gave in and went to theirs. But this year ive said we are definately having christmas at home, but we've compromised by saying we'll go down for an hour in the morning. I have offered for everyone to come to mine but my mum is very set in her ways and doesn't want to, its her choice but having 2 children now i want them ba able to relax and get to play with their toys.

Update on update by OP. Well I thought it had gone too smoothly. DH had calls from both PIL and SIL today. All very upset, PIL going on about how much they love doing xmas, SIL apparently going to spend xmas with her (IMO long suffering) DP for the first time rather than come to us but very upset (according to MIL) that she can't spend xmas at "home". But my DH said, Dsis is 37, surely her home is the lovely house she lives in with her longtime DP of 15 years, "No" says MIL, her real home. But I digress, SIL's relationship with her DP/her parents is her own business.

My question is am IBU to insist on the "xmas at ours" plan now it has caused such ructions? We are not a confrontation/ructions sort of family so this is a huge one. I would love to have a xmas at home for my DC while they are still little and think I would resent the ILs for taking that away if we give in. BTW we have offered to alternate xmases so MIL doesn't feel her xmas hosting days over for ever. DH still in agreement with me at moment but worried he will start to cave...

YANBU. They've had ELEVEN YEARS of doing things their way. They've been very lucky and you've been very nice.

Presumably they did Christmas their way when dh and sil were young. If so, they should be able to see that you and dh might want to do it your way now and make a few Christmas traditions of your own.

Or maybe that's TEN YEARS, lol!

no dont cave in, it will ony get harder next year.. gird your loins or whatever phrase fits and dont back down
fwiw we did our 1st family xmas at home last year with dd, my mum and dad, mil and bil .twas sad as it seemed like the end of an era as we always went to mums, btw mil and bil did NOTHING to help , will be 8mth pregnant this year so were going to mums,but even my mum said last year p fasmilies move on and evolve..... change is good were just pleased to share it with you!!!
hope i can be as lovely when i am a mil

Would you fancy Christmas just the 4 of you?

TBH I personally wouldn't have this battle. I'd just be enormously grateful that someone else wants to do Christmas

My IL were a bit of an issue: All my family are in the UK so I was there living in Oz, with DH (who was DBF then!). We used to have to go up to his parents' place for Xmas EVERY year. The big issues there were A) it was as boring as bat droppings- HOURS spent watching the 3 of them (DH's bro lived at home- at 50..) snoring in unison at the Xmas stuff on TV by about 7pm EVERY evening, B) it was in the middle of nowhere so nothing really else to do and C) it was as hot as hell!

But the biggie was we were expected to be there no more than 3 hours after we'd finished work on Xmas Eve (2 and 3/4 hr drive away). Any later and lots of harumphing about how WORRIED they'd been! THEN god help us if we left any earlier than 8pm the night before we were due to go back to work, say Dec 29th! I used to deliberately ask for the Boxing Day shift at work to escape! THEN they'd come down to US for New Years so they could snore on OUR sofa from 7pm, removing any possibility of us going out with friends! Anyway, talk about control!

Well, fast forwards 10 years, we now live in the UK, and DH's parents are now gone to a better place. The first 3 years we were in the UK we used to go to MY mum's for Xmas... but only the first time did we 'overnight'. Lots of hassle for me, packing everything for 2 toddlers AND us, but a good time was had by all (DH loves an English Xmas!). Then dad died. Mum wanted to 'do' that next Xmas, which was fine (sort of her valedictory Xmas at Home, I guess) but since then, I've done it. It's SO much easier! Mum helps me enormously with the food, my unmarried brother (who DOESN'T live with our mum!) and DH construct toys with the DSs in the sitting room whilst mum and I hit the sherry in the kitchen! Boys are happy in their own environment, then my bro drives mum home at 9pm. All happy.

YANBU.

Your inlaws could always do christmas and have your SIL over. You aren't forcing them to come to you. Maybe you could have made the invite more casual so they felt they could refuse if they'd rather stay at home. I'd ring up and make it clear that you are staying at home, the ILs are welcome to come over but that if they prefer to stay at home and invite SIL over because they prefer this then you understand.
Tell them you'd maybe love to do christmas but have not had the chance to find out yet and you'd like your kids to grow up with some traditions their parents invented just like you and your husband did.
Your inlaws sound very selfish.

diddl, despite all this nonsense from them I do really want them (PIL) to come on xmas day mainly because the DC would miss them.

2rebecca I think if it came to a choice PIL would choose coming to us (ghastly as the prospect obviously is to them) over being at home with just SIL because they would miss seeing their only DGC. However SIL didn't give them the option as immediately and literally announced she was leaving the country (her DP is a foreigner) for xmas if she couldn't have xmas in her real home...

I think I need to speak to MIL myself and clear the air. We are supposed to be having a weekend away together (me, DH, DC, PIL, SIL and her DP) in a couple of weeks so really need to have it sorted by then to avoid appalling atmosphere.

I think it's really important to make the memories that you want to have.

YANBU - and variety is the spice of life.

If you are worried about standard of hosting, try opting out and insisting on a pjama party breakfast and stupid hat lunch so that everyone is already in a different mindset and the theme is fun, not flounce.

I am sure that given the build up you could do a big spread for lunch and do sandwiches for tea with leftovers so everyone should be happy. You could even ask MIL to provide 3 desserts or something!?

I love Christmas when it's just us, it's just beautiful.

But also appreciate it's a time for family. My brother and I should take it in turns to host my Dad, but db makes so little fuss of him and usually has made deliberate plans for the next day that exclude him, that my Dad comes to us en-route. However, last year he stayed for an unexpected 5 days - ds dislodged into our room - so that even chilled dh was quietly asking me, "When do you think he's going home!"

We then have to appease the ILs but, as I point out to dh, they at least have each other. We have once had both sets of parents at our house for Xmas day and once was certainly enough!

I hate the guilt, guilt, guilt of it all and am that my brother clearly feels none!

god, no.
yanbu.

I loathe, loathe, loathe these huge family clan gatherings, to which spouses and partners are relentlessly dragged, year in year out. It's so bl**y selfish!

Have Christmas on your own, let htem carry on the tradition at their house with your SIL if they want. Things change. People move on.

They are being selfish and unreasonable. if they are upset that is not so understandable but they should keep this to themselves. they have had things precisely as they wanted for the last 10 years - it is not unreasonable to want your turn.

You give in now and you'd better be prepared for an even bigger strop from them when you next broach this as you will just have shown them that if they throw their toys out of the pram you will back down.

If you are beginning to waver (which I suspect you are) please reread your OP which comes accross that this is something you really really want and so does your dp.

Good luck