Pale mixed race baby raising a few eyebrows......

[angelz]

My ds was born 3 months ago and surprised us all by coming out extremly pale with straight red hair, despite having a black father.

I myself am VERY pale, so found it more amusing than shocking as I know how funny genetics can be.

But lately my partner has said that while he loves our ds he is finding it hard as he cannot see himself, or any of his family in ds.

He has even mentioned a paternity test, and while I know in his heart he knows how ridiculous this is, he says sometimes he can't digest what he sees before his eyes.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?.... will our ds darken, or is it really possible that a mixed race baby can stay this white? Even his little ears have a pinkish hue, and his eyelids are almost see through!

Personally I would never have thought it an issue, but can see why my partner may struggle a little with it, people already have given us a few funny looks when I introduce him as ds's father

I think the suggestion that the OP's DH sees a genetic counsellor or does some reading is excellent.

I think wanting, or at least expecting, your children to look like you is a very primal, instinctive thing - I can't quite express how I felt (I am olive skinned, dark eyes/hair) when I had my oldest 2 - both blonde and blue eyed. It was disconcerting, unsettling - took me a while to get used to it. I do have a lot of sympathy with the DH.

Actually I do get the wish for your offspring to resemble you. I didn't give a fig what colour DCs' skin was but felt sad that my DCs would never have blue eyes. All my family have bright blue eyes and I felt a bit sad that DCs wouldn't be part of that identification.
I'm sure your DS will start to resemble DH facially soon enough, my DS certainly does which might have helped DH to recognise him, as it were. It's funny looking at my DH's family as they are a right mix, black FIL, arab MIL, two SILs who are lovely olive, two who are very dark, and a nephew who is also very dark, despite exBIL being veru white arab. Maybe that's why DH wasn't phased being mixed race himself, he had no expectations of what DS would look like.

Angelz, my baby is mixed race (white dad/ me Indian) and she looks quite white, so much so that I was even asked if the child belonged to me...

We had assumed (naturally, I thought) that my dark hair/ eyes would be the dominant gene, but DD does not look anything like me.

You have to sit down and tell your partner that its quite hurtful to you for him to keep making those comments, and that when it comes down to genetics, we have no control over what we produce!

Kat I understand what you are saying, and part of me feels that way too - but in a way I am glad he is being honest about his feelings rather than just having it in the back of his mind. I know he trusts me, he is just getting used to things.

Your boy is lovely by the way, very cute :O)

Thanks

Personally I wouldnt agree to a test but that is my opinion and you have to do what is right.

I just think (here it comes eh?) that if you do it this time you may find yourself having to do it again and again. What if your next DC comes out very dark that could raise the questions 'well maybe that first test was wrong, this one does look just like me' or 'well how come this one is dark and the first one is so light skinned, maybe she has been with a different bloke to get this one'

It is about trust and if he doesnt trust your word now why should he about anything else?

Your OH must know enough mixed race kids to realise that they come in all different shades. This sort of thing happens in all- white and all -black families too. 'doesnt look like me, hasnt got my nose, noone in my family has dark hair like that'.

I think you are being a bit too accomodating of his doubts TBH.

Paternity test not a good idea. If his doubts are based on the baby's skin tone/hair alone he can soon reassure himself - just look around at other mixed raced kids.

Good luck.

OP just remind your husband about boris becker's love child Anna. Her mother is black. Presumably he didn't say to her, you're not the mother!!!

I'm sorry, I can't believe I typed love child. Oh shudder. I do apologise. I am not moonlighting for the daily mail. honest.

I'm mixed race and DH is blond, blue eyed, very pale skin.

DS came out the spitting image of DH and I too found it hard to bond with him in the early days (and still find no resemblance when I look at him).

It was harder for me I think as I'm adopted, and DS was going to be the first person I'd ever met who was actually blood related to me - I'd expected a mini version of myself I think!

am not mmixed race, dh isnt either.

dd1 is olivey-skinned, with red mahognary tint to hair, dark eyes.

dd2, born with jet black hair, now light brown, lighter brown eyes, olively skin.

dd3 also born with black hair, now light brown, very very dark brown eyes (almost look black), lighter skin but still now pale.

dd4. strawberry blond hair. pale skin. green eyes.

dd4 looks nothing like me, doesnt resemble any of my family, but can see a hint of sdh family in her. but not completly. If i hadnt had her at home, and had her with me all the time, i would say she isnt mine. other people say she looks like dd2 in facial exopressions, but on looks, doesnt look like the others.

singingbear - the article was about an autobiography. It was a girl - she looked black but had both white parents. In south aftroc at the time aswell and name etc on birth cert you had to have colour recorded too. Poor girl had to move schools and everything

My best friend, whoose Mum was Jamacan and Dad White British (for want of a better expression!) said at school she was never black enough or white enough, this was 35 years ago in primary school, it used to really upset her.

So when her two kids started school in the past few years she was worried, her partner is white, both her kids have darker skin and he daughter looks very much like daddy and her son looks very much like her.

An even in the posh Kent town where she lives, no one has ever said anything to her or her kids as today everyone is more aware/used to differnces, step brothers, mixed famlies etc etc

We both worked together in London years ago and were in Kensington for a business meeting, all suited and booted, trying to hail a taxi, she had bent down to rumage in her bag for her purse and this mad posh older lady started yelling that she had stolen her bag and was trying to steal it! Her bag was very similar, she called my friend a black imigrant, the police came and to cut a long story short the two old bats were given a talking too and made them apologise to my friend!

3 months is so early too, she will develop I'm sure some of his traits and features.

Ignore the nosey bastards!

My friend has an older dd and then twin boys.

The girls looks mied race (afro carribean with a white skinned red haired mum)

Well the boys whose Dad disappeared off the scene are white with red hair no signs of afro carribean about them. However once I was told that their Dad was indeed afro carribean then you can see it in their facial features they have flattish noses etc, but at first glance you would not ever tthink they were mixed race IYSWIM.

Hope that helps!

Sorry but I think your Partner's reaction is a little bit unreasonable. After all sometimes children only resemble one parent and not both. If you have a child with someoe from another race you should expect that there may be a chance that any children will only have features including skin colour, of that particular race/person.

I have mixed race roots. My childrens father is black. My first son was born very pale with blue eyes, but after a few years he became darker. My second was born dark. I got the stupid are they the same father comments too.

I find it sad that people can worry about what is essentially the law of genetics. Colour is just about how much pigmentation a person has after all. We're so colour concious, I really never like stories like this I think it's sad that they make the news.

Yor son will probably become darker with time, until then ignore the funny looks. People can be ignorant sometimes.

YEah genetics is a strange thing indeed.
We are white, but a few years ago, my dad got very ill and was quarantined in hospital while they tried to figure out what was wrong with him. In the end it turned out that he has a very rare genetic condition that only runs in malaysian families. Since then my dad has done some research into our family tree and found out that one of his very distant ancestors was a malaysian slave girl who had a child by her French arisocrat owner Sounds sooooo soap opera but there we have it.
Last year I went to A&E after a run in with a food blender, and the nurse who saw me (a black lady) took one look at me and said 'you're black. With that nose and those lips you have black blood in you. DOn't be surprised if you have a brown baby some day'.
I also met a mixed race guy once who had extremely pale white skin, but had very african facial features.

My oldest and youngest dc's are obviously mixed race: they have dark curly hair, brown eyes and tanned skin.

My middle child is completely caucasian looking - straight blond, green eyes, same complexion as me. I have been asked on more than one occasion if he is my dh's child (my dh is mixed race - quite dark skinned).

Doesn't worry me really! It never occured to dh to worry about paternit. DS1 has the same shaped ears and big toe as his dad, and is most like him in temperament and intelligence. That's enough to keep dh happy!

I can imagine the anguish it can cause.

I am not mixed race or black, but am almost hispanic looking - very olive skin, dark eyes, dark hair.

My 1st DS has similar colouring to me (but with slightly lighter hair) even though he looks like his father

My 2nd DS has white skin, white blonde hair, green eyes and looks nothing like me or his father. If it werent for him having similar hands and feet to me, and his dads nose I would worry!

I get offended myself when I am asked if the kids have the same dad (they do, and they are only 19m apart). But I can imagine being black or mixed race and having a whiter skinned baby can be hard.

Though equally my friend is white, her husband black. Her son is darker than her husband - so sometimes black skin is dominating, sometimes white.

Oh and my cambodian friend was almost white skinned at 18 - at 25 she is really dark so your skin goes on changing :-)

There was an interesting story a few years ago about twins who were mixed race. One looked black, one looked white. Maybe you could Google this and show it to your husband.

There really is no consistancy to what colouring your children will have. DH is dark skinned north African, me white, very pale. Our DS has white skin that just tans easily and mousy brown hair. DD on the other hand is very dark and looks 100% Arab. She was born with very straight black hair and over the course of a year it got curlier and curlier and she now has a full on fro! I would be very upset if DH asked for a DNA test . Tell him to google about genetics.

I think it is just soooo obvious why ds is so pale - his father is of Jamaican heritage, and has a white Scottish Great Grandfather (through slavery unfortunately) - his Grandmother is very white - my family are Scottish/ Irish and all very pale, with a lot of red heads - it's hardly suprising our little one came out the way he did. I just think people have a preconceived idea of what mixed race is, as if it was like mixing paint. There is a whole lot more to consider, and yes, it does annoy me that he can't see it, but what can you do??!

my dc are mixed race, ds became a bit darker in the summer around age 12 months, looks more tanned now but as a baby he was more white (could probably still be mistaken just for white with a tan..) dh's shade is a pretty dark brown so i guess it just depends. if you look you should see some small features of their dad, but when the colour is so much closer to one parent its easier to see the similiarity more especially when they are small. joke comments which suggests he's not the dad are really out of order. ive never got that but if i did i wouldnt accept even if meant as a joke, its extremely rude!

You could tell him to grow up and stop insulting you.

I was thinking about the mixed race twins too, rebecca.

it's here

Never mind their appearance, giving your twins rhyming names is really unkind!