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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect to be paid back by DH?

38 replies

Undercovamutha · 03/10/2009 21:16

This may be a bit ranty!
I am on matenity leave currently, and usually work part-time. I earn okay money (about a third less than my DH who works full time and is on an average wage). I am pretty good at saving, and we have fairly low outgoings (apart from nursery fees when I am working), but DH is horrendously bad at saving. He lives like a student, with just pennies left at the end of the month. However, since I went part-time he pays more than me into the joint account, and now I am on maternity leave he is paying more again. I am still also paying in, and end up with less 'personal money' than DH does in our own accounts (we keep separate 'spending' money to stop arguing over DH spending money like water on his hobbies!).
I have a surplus of money in my current account, which I saved up when I found out I was pregnant, to tide us over a bit as my maternity pay decreases. DH thinks I am 'rolling in it' even though I have less spare money than him each month, and it has been very hard for me to save this money whilst working part-time.
Anyway, we recently booked a holiday which was a bit more expensive than we had planned, but I REALLY wanted to go and DH is looking forward to it too. We agreed we would pay half each out of our own money, as the joint account is stretched to the max. I paid it in full from my account and DH was supposed to pay me back for his half. That was 4 months ago. I have reminded him a few times but he just keeps saying he has a lot of important things to buy and can't pay me back yet.
We have just had a big argument because I confronted him and said could he start paying me back. He thinks I am being stingy with money, and seeing as I obviously had enough to pay for the holiday, then why should he have to cough up as he is skint. He is only skint cos he spends spends spends, unlike me. He even said that it wasn't like I spend my money on anything anyway (mainly cos I have very little opportunity with 2 small DC's!).
AIBU to be really pissed off and to insist on him paying me back asap. I don't even feel like going on the stupid holiday now - grrr!

OP posts:
Mutt · 03/10/2009 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 03/10/2009 21:24

just tell him that you're cutting your contribution to the joint account to claw it back so he'll need to up his.

I have to say I agree our money is our money in this house.

Georgimama · 03/10/2009 21:25

What Mutt said.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/10/2009 21:25

I don't think you are being unfair if it was agreed that you were going to share the cost of the holiday - he could have said that it was too expensive for him rather than letting you subsidise him but not admitting that's what he's doing. However, when it comes to paying general household bills, mortgage, groceries, etc, how is that divided between you? If he is paying a greater percentage (as he earns more) then maybe it's less unfair that you pay more towards the holiday.

slowreadingprogress · 03/10/2009 21:33

What works for us is:

Both salaries paid into the 'bill' account
Food, shopping money transferred into 'housekeeping' account
also at same time money transferred into Savings (xmas, birthdays, holidays) account

then with what is left only then do we divvy out to our own personal account (equal amounts no matter who earns more)

This makes holidays etc a joint thing which is how it should be and stops any of this husbands and wives paying each other back stuff which has just got to be so unhealthy.

Personally, I wouldn't badger my own husband to pay me back, I'd enjoy the holiday but try to set up a more genuinely equitable system with the money where it is equal between you

PerryPlatypus · 03/10/2009 21:37

Regardless of whether couples should have separate money/accounts, the fact is that the OP's dh agreed to pay half. Now that the holiday has been booked he's gone back on his word while continuing to spend money on himself.

YANBU

Squishabelle · 03/10/2009 21:37

I really cannot understand this 'his' and 'hers' money. It just dosent sit right with me.

scottishmummy · 03/10/2009 21:39

if that is how you have always done finances then yes he should be reasonable and pay

i don't get shared money
my money is my money
his is his

we have separate accounts for each salary
shared for bills,nursewry
we split on stuff

Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/10/2009 21:42

Slowreadingprogress - we kind of do the same as you, in that effectively all our money goes into the joint account, and then a fairly small amount is paid into our personal accounts for 'spending money'. We mostly use our personal accounts for clothes, DH's expensive hobby, general little treats. We usually pay for holidays out of the joint account, but as we are a bit strapped for cash, with me just getting maternity pay and a few recent DIY emergencies, we agreed that if we were going to have a holiday we would have to use our own personal money.
I know in an ideal world what you are all saying about 'our money' is the right thing to do, but I don't think it would work for us. Our savings are all in joint names etc so we are not planning to split up or anything! I just feel so frustrated that I am so careful with money, and DH isn't. What is the point of me being quite frugal if DH acts like he's got a whole in his pocket!

OP posts:
Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/10/2009 21:42

*hole not whole - whoops!

OP posts:
Original poster
Undercovamutha · 03/10/2009 21:46

Solidgoldbrass - DH DOES pay considerably more into joint money. Our agreement was always that we pay everything in, and then take the same amount as each other out for personal spending. In reality DH has ended up taking more out for personal money over the past few years, cos he has had a few payrises, and I haven't wanted to make a big thing out of it cos he pays a lot more in than me to start with.

OP posts:
ElmaH · 03/10/2009 22:10

DP and I have a very similar set-up. We put into the joint a/c according to salary. I work p/t so put in less. I earn less but manage to save, he earns more and is always in his overdraft. I think that's his fault and would tell him he has to pay it back, but I would let him pay me back over a few months to make it easier. YANBU - why should you be out of pocket?
I would NEVER want to have all our money in 1 a/c, I'd be counting his golf clubs and he'd be counting my shoes.

newgirl · 03/10/2009 22:14

did you half suspect when you booked it that he might not pay you back? it might be that you cant really change the way he is. in our house i pay for the holidays but dh pays for pretty much everything else - it when im earning that we can afford to go! i reckon unless it means you now cant do something or buy something you really wanted, perhaps let it go

ConFuschias · 03/10/2009 22:15

I think this is symptomatic of a bigger issue you have with DH and how he (in your view) squanders money. Even if he does pay half for this holiday, you will still have this bigger issue with him. So maybe you both need to focus on tackling that.

SolidGhoulBrass · 04/10/2009 00:07

Is the bigger issue maybe that, despite your stated agreement that you both have the same amount of 'treat'\personal money, your H has gradually been taking more and more personal money? Because it's understandable if that is what's bugging you, it's sneaky and unfair for him just to decide that he's entitled to more treats and pocket money than you without discussing it.

LoveBeingAMummy · 04/10/2009 00:15

Does it really matter? it should all be our money.

scottishmummy · 04/10/2009 00:53

what is our money?sound like lil wifey money

no way

GibbonInARibbon · 04/10/2009 00:58

lil wifey money? clarify please sm

nooka · 04/10/2009 01:42

If you both have very different attitudes to cash then joint accounts really really don't work. I had the same thing with a spendthrift other half, and being accused of being stingy is really quite upsetting, especially if one of the reasons why you don't spend money is because you are concerned that there will be none left.

Really your dh needs to grow up and be more responsible. However on this particular issue I think you in a bit of a bind. It sounds as if you were the on who was very keen on the holiday, and that may be why you paid up front for it. I doubt you'll get him to pay up without a huge confrontation, so maybe reducing your input into the joint account is the way to go, with perhaps an agreed savings account in future as srp suggests.

gingernutlover · 04/10/2009 07:05

if your DH agreed to pay you back then he should end of story. Just because some people organise their finances differently to this it doesnt mean your way is wrong. Me and my DH have a similar agreement and I make him pay me back if he buys things on my ebay account etc.

It sounds like it work smost of the time, but I agree you maybe need to say to him you will be paying £50/£100 a month less into the bills account to account for the money he owes you.

skihorse · 04/10/2009 07:13

YABU.

I agree with mutt (and others).

You're in a relationship. If you want "your money" and "your stuff" why don't you leave him and be single?

But despite your strange view on a partnership - have you actually asked him what he's been having to buy? Did he get hit by a big, nasty gas bill? Boiler blow up? Gearbox go? Perhaps it actually costs more to raise a family than you were figuring.

WoundUpLeaf · 04/10/2009 09:06

Why is everyone so about separate accounts? It is a valid choice and shouldn't be seen as any less 'worthy' than shared account. Is this the next BF vs bottle mumsnet divide I wonder?

For example, we have separate accounts because I have large expenses every month from work, I don't like using credit cards and it would hardly be fair to take that out of a joint account with about 45 days before it went back in. But then we both work and there generally doesn't seem to be any argument about who pays for something.

Having said that, going back to the OP, yes he should pay you back when he said he would.

NeedCoffee · 04/10/2009 09:17

Bollox to it all being 'our' money! OP has already said that they have equal amounts of 'spending' money, what is so wrong with that? Her DH spends, she doesn't, I'm a brilliant saver of money and think carefully before all purchases, It'd p**s me off no end if my partner was spending money frivolously when I'm so careful. OP-yanbu, I hope your DH realises

Lonicera · 04/10/2009 09:28

Separate accounts are very sensible if the two partners have very different attitudes to money.

sarah293 · 04/10/2009 09:32

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