In thinking that these were not normal parental decisions.

[TheMitsubishiWarrioress]

In brief, I am going through some personal difficulties, and am starting counselling tomorrow.

Seem to be losing my perspective on things but am troubled by these incidents from my younger years.

12 yrs old and my parents have some building work done by a builder known by my parents. His father came along and announced early on that I was 'special' and long after the work was done, visited us to bring me treats and presents. One day I was told he would like to take me to London to see a musical, stay in a hotel and go on a shopping trip.

I was excited and for some reason remember hoping we could go to woolworths so I could have a brand new set of pencil crayons.

The night before, my brother told me he was camping that weekend in the garden, and I thought this sounded like more fun, said I didn't want to go, and the trip was cancelled. I never saw the man again.

I was admittedly very naive. At about 17 I met a lad on the bus who asked me out. We had a date and at the end of it deciced I didn't want to see him again.

Later that evening, my Dad went to get some wood for the fire and found him in the woodshed. It transpired that the lad had a criminal record and was apparently trying to go 'straight' so my Dad invited him to live with us, which he did for 5/6 weeks. He assumed this meant we were an 'item' and pursued me with that thought, on one occassion threatening to rape me when I wouldn't sleep with him, although he didn't carry it outt. He used to sit outside the bathroom scratching on the door when I had a bath (which I started doing daily to escape him).

I subsequently found out his Record included GBH and ABH.

It all feels wrong and now I have DC's of my own I find this memories troubling, but because I am low, they keep popping up.

I was going to change my name but have decided to stick to the one I am known by.

Am I just hyper sensitive or are these bizarre things to do with your DD?

Thanks elmo. I think I am quite strong, but I don't want to have to be anymore. I'd just like to BE.

Nope. Not normal parenting. Hard to say without lots more details but it would appear that your dad had no respect for you and your mum was too weak to defend herself, let alone you.

Hope you sort yourself out.

hopefully mitsubishi the counselling will help you find yourself again , when i was a child my parents had a holiday home that we used to spend the summer holidays in , my dad had a friend who would just let himself in whenever he fancied , 1 day this man (in his 50's) put his hand up my skirt to my thigh , i was 9yrs old & frozen in fear , luckily my mam came into the room & caught him & my dad punched his lights out , we never saw that pervert again , so i really cant understand why your dad put you at risk like that , i hope you find a way of dealing with it all x

Moonlight..it is the details that crack me up.

I don't understand why I can't just draw a line under it all and say, well it happened, and move on. I am 40 now. Why has it all come to the surface now?

I was punched repeatedly over a period of time by a classmate when I was in infants (he just didnt like me). I suffered with chronic nightmares for a long time afterwards. It is 34 years ago, but I look at my little girl and it makes me want to cry.

Thanks elmo. I think I need to stop posting for a bit now. And try and at least keep it together until tomorrow.

Thanks again. Will let you know how I get on at some point.

I think part of the reason is that people, ie, our parents, were not as suspitious as we are now. If men befriended the family, they took that at face value. They didnt see it as they were trying to groom their children.

I actually came into contact with at least 2 peadophiles when I was a child. One used to run the local playscheme and was good friends with my parents. If ever there was a camp or trip being organised, my parents were quiet happy to let me go as long as this guy was going. I was about 17 when we found out he had abused all his daughters.

Another one was so typical. He befriended my friends mum when she got divorced, offered to babysit for her while she was at work. He exposed himself to us and once sat stroking my leg while playing board games. I didnt know what the danger was then although he did make me feel uncomfortable. I never told anybody because I didnt know th ere was anything to tell. I feel awful that my friend was definatly abused by this man but it wasnt until years later that I realised it.

There are so many things that we were allowed to do and situations we were allowed to be in that we wouldnt dream of letting our DCs do nowadays. I cant comment on your own circumstances TMW, Im just pointing out that the dangers we see today are different than what our parents would have seen.

Maybe your dad was just so wrapped up in his public persona of cool bloke, down with bad lads, good works etc that you just weren't on his radar? He just assumed as you were fed, watered and didn't go round doing GBH, he was doing his job as a parent. Maybe chasing this big man philanthropist image was a bit of a blinding obsession.

Maybe your mum was simply treated the same as you - maybe she was confused and naive and feeling conflicted about it now?

hi TMW,
your story reminds me of a similar tale that I heard in real life.
The girl that I heard the story about has parents who are very "alternative", dont believe in structured education, etc.

to answer your question; when I heard your stories, and when I heard the story in real life, yes, I thought those were VERY odd parenting decisions indeed.
My own parents are pretty naive, but even in the 80s, they didnt make similar decisions, ie leaving their teenage dd alone with men for a long period of time.
Go with your own instincts on this one.

And re the punching: you can ask your dd what she did at school? who did she talk to? who did she play with? did she enjoy her day? etc to try and get these sort of details out of her.

Maybe he didn't like / felt threatened by women and felt he needed men around him to boost a not-100% confidence in his own masculinity. Maybe he felt he had to impress them and wasn't emotionally strong enough to see he might have been being manipulated. Again, that would make what happened to you incidental, rather than deliberate.

good luck today x you know where we are if you need to vent later x

I think there may have been an element of grandiosity in the behaviour, the way he fell over backwards to project an image of being such a great humanist when it came to the woodshed boy. Certainly he seems to have been seeking some sort of approval from other men, definitely from the father figure who got ideas about having a free hand regarding pursuing a relationship with the OP, maybe even from male teenagers, while pretty much throwing the women in his life under the bus. I think he might have been using the women, perhaps subconsciously, as a means of supplying male connections that he needed in his life.

Today was, intense. I think the right decision to go for counselling now, and the woman I saw made a lot of sense.

Dad always had a thing about women and even now if my DD kicks up a little bit (as 6 yr olds do) he comes out with knowing comments about the way women get their own way, or 'well she's a girl isn't she?...'

It is a samll step and she was very 'empowering' about giving the individual the tools to take back their own thoughts/feelings and emotions. (once they've stopped crying)

I have a headache and am hugely tired but at least I can start moving in the right direction..

Thanks again for all the posts...

Parents can be extraordinarily weird. I look back at some of my mother's decisions and just wonder "Why?". But as I once said to ds1 when he got ratty about my failure to do the right thing on every single occasion, people are flawed.

You have to move on and I really think that too much analysis can sometimes be more damaging than some of the events that are being analysed. Counselling can be wonderful but it is vital not to become a victim of it!

ah mitsubishi it sounds like some progress has been made , maybe treat yourself to a glass of wine tonight when the dc's are in bed , x

People are flawed, but having intrusive thoughts about the past is significant and affects your day-to-day life. Counselling isn't just about rehashing the past and casting judgment on people who may have been doing the best they could, it's about finding better ways to live in the present and on into the future. Someone who seeks out counselling is usually trying to live better in the here and now.

I did a reply to pikelit, but think it sounded too defensive and your post is on the ball mathan.

Thank-you

hey Mits

glad yesterday went ok. one step at a time darling

Mits
these are very strange expereiences and your dad does seem to have a bit of a weird gender relationship thing going on.
I expect this is haunting you now as you have children of your own and are having very protective thoughts towards them.

I found, after I had DD that things that would barely have bothered me when I was childless became massive and worrying. The fact my uncle was a predator of teenage girls which I hadn't really thought about for years, came back to worry me and all sorts of odd things.
I think the protective mother instinct just drags these things up. I also find I cry much more since becoming a mum.

It will be healthy for you to work through these things. You may find your relationship with your dad shifts a bit though.

Thanks again...

Having children does change perspective. I think..'there is no way I would do x or y to my DC's and then look back and think Oh, but what about that happening to me?

He recently told me he loved me but called me a 'shit'.
I worshipped him as a little girl but when I went through puberty he wrote me a letter telling me I wasn't his 'golden princess' anymore.
I still have it and I can't get rid of it. It just confirms that so much stuff is all my fault. He was either larger than life loving us or the other.

He criticises me now for not knowing my own mind and not being able to just get on with life. It floors me.

I had counselling when I was 18 because the doctor was concerned about my lack of self esteem at the time, and neither my mum or dad would talk to me about it. Maybe life is just 'crap' and I should just get on with stuff but I think it has a lot to offer if you have the confidence to get out there....
I have split up with my 'H' after 13 yrs and I let slip to my mum that I was on anti depressants and having counselling and she said 'what for'. They just don't git 'it'.

My daughter started a new school and I was going to be 'different' and a 'new me'. But I can't talk to anyone unless they approach me very easily and if there is a group, I get panicky. I am pathetic really. I am fine if I feel 'safe' but have to work hard not to stand away from everyone seeming aloof and unfriendly. It is no way to be really, especially with 2 children. Who thankfully are much more confident than me, but both notice my reticence to join in at times.

I am at home alone tonight and I have about 5 friends who have asked me to call them to get together but I will struggle and probabaly wind up not doing it. Because they probably have something better to do.

Sorry, I have rambled but maybe better out than in.

Better out than in is probably right, though in theory that means that it's gone from being "in" you. I really hope the counselling helps.

Your parent do sound incredibly unsympathetic and I am actually speechless at your dad's "no more golden princess" letter which is just

You sound like you are trying. The counselling is a huge step but it's going to open up lots of painful thoughts and memories for a while too. It will hopefully be worth it in the end though.

If you stay in tonight then come online for company or treat yourself to a film/tv programme you really enjoy and be kind to yourself (that sounds pathetic but is the best I can offer)

Thanks NC...I am not sad at being on my own, but I need to get over it being because I haven't got the confidence to call someone rather than a simple choice.

It sounds so easy so why isn't it?

Your dad's letter is the work of a very screwed up man. Was he sexually abusing you by proxy? Sorry if this is way off or blunt.

"He was either larger than life loving us or the other." The 'golden princess'-pedestal thing and then the devaluation can do a real number on someone's sense of self and self esteem. You're never valued just as "you" when you're in a relationship with someone who does this.

I don't know mathan. Never thought about it as that. He jokes about His and Mum's 'relationship' and puts sexual inuendo into things, which I wouldn't do with the children but how do you judge what is normal? To a certain extent, ones up bringing feels like 'normality' until you are put in a position to question it.

The 'inappropriate experiences' that I had were with a younger family member and his mates, not my Father. I find it hard to contact my Dad or the family member at the moment and I have no idea how that seems...

If you don't mind I won't post again tonight, I don't want to trigger negative feelings without the distraction of the DC's, but thanks again for posting.

I think we all have certain instincts, and some things just 'niggle', which is our instincts giving us a message that maybe something wasn't 'normal' or 'just not right', if that's a good term to use.