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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i think i am but i need other opinions

75 replies

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 21:50

a bit of background - dh recently had an affair, weve been working hard to rebuild our relationship but he works with ow and sees her regularly. i've had a couple of messages from her saying i should walk away from him and let him be with the woman he really loves.

so hes been invited on a training course, which would mean a payrise come january, and more responsibility in a field that he wants to specialise in. the course is not mandatory but it is smethig he would like to do. we dont need the payrise and are quite comfortable on current salery plus what i earn when i can get work.

now heres the catch the course is a few weeks - possibly a month, its not close ot home so it will mean he will have to stay away for that time, although he will be home at weekends. the ow is aldso going on the course and will be staying at the same hotel, sharing taxis and eating meals with my dh.

so aibu to say i dont want him to go and if he does i will see this as the end of our relationship? i've told him i'm happy for him to do the next course when it comes up (possibly not for the next 12-18 months) i just dont want him to do it at the same time as the ow.

OP posts:

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre · 28/09/2009 22:37

Either's a risk really - he also puts himself at risk of being accused of any kind of sexual harassment if she decides to play games.

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre · 28/09/2009 22:39

From that list, it doesn't sound as if you could cope with his being away at all - and he realy should have worked that out for himself...

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:39

sorry i ment that when the course is over she will move up quicker than he will therefore they wont work together anymore. which is a bonus

OP posts:

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre · 28/09/2009 22:40

Well, if she goes on the course and he doesn't, it'll happen even quicker

Dragonfly73 · 28/09/2009 22:41

i dont think the fact that he asked to go on the course should be automatically seen as him trying to continue the affair and pull the wool over his wifes eyes.

In my situation my H worked with the ow too and never understood why i was so insistant he get another job. Men just think differently and can be amazingly naive. My H thought that as the "relationship" was over i shouldn't feel threatened by him being around the OW anymore.

He was fully committed to rebuilding our relationship and life but just didnt understand why it was an issue for me.

DuelingFanjo · 28/09/2009 22:43

I think you are being perfectly reasonable to ask him not to go. If the affair is still very recent then he should be in a place where he [i]wants[/i] to do anything he can to prove he is committed to making your relationship work and he shouldn't resent you asking this of him.

Am surprised he even considered going to be honest. Maybe his career is important to him but it shouldn't be more important to him than your relationship or your happiness.

Dragonfly73 · 28/09/2009 22:43

addictedtomn, those are all perfectly normal requests given the situation. I have known some women who in the early stages of recovery randomly check text and phone records, install key loggers on the pc to record emails. Frankly at this time in your relationship anything that helps you feel secure in the marriage is perfectly reasonable!

if you want him to ring you every thirty minutes then that is perfectly reasonable too!

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:46

thankyou dragonfly its nice to know i'm not crazy!

OP posts:

WickedWench · 28/09/2009 22:46

If she does the course and he doesn't then is there any chance that he might end up working for her, with her as his manager, at some point?

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:50

no its for a seprate devision of the company so right now no but it is where he wants to end up in the long run, but in 12-18 months time hopefully we will be back to something that resembles normal and also then he can apply for a transfer to the south west rather than the midlands where she is.

OP posts:

Heated · 28/09/2009 22:51

Hb going on the course would damage any future chance of making the marriage work. Don't let his hangdog expression make you feel guilty. His focus should be on saving his marriage and to very willingly put his career on a 12m hiatus, especially given he's not saved you undue angst by moving jobs.

He ought to stand in your shoes: if he went on the course ,in all likelihood, you'd feel anxious & upset the whole time he was gone, mentally wondering what was happening between them, angry at him for going in the first place and, on his return, just looking for the signs that something had happened. Hardly conducive to married happiness.

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 22:54

He can't go and YANBU to say that you needed him to not go at the same time as OW.

He sounds like an idiot. 'She meant nothing to me' actually means 'you mean nothing to me' in my mind. Why would someone who was really sorry offer up a stupid cliche like that as a reason for doing something so horrible? If you believe him and his cliche that means he risked your whole lives for something that meant nothing

eejit. AND now he wants to go on the course with her! I'd let him, give him his marching orders, he's probably still seeing her anyway if she's sending you texts like that. He probably tells her he's with you for the kids and you won't let him go.

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2009 22:59

I don't get it.

He has had an affair - apparently has ended it - still works with other woman - she has your number and sent you text messages after he has apparently ended the relationship with her...I would be asking how she got your number...either he gave it to or left his phone where she had access to it.

He had the audacity to casually mention the course, knowing that you would react - now i would definatly be questioning why he did not just say "Oh you wouldn't believe that work have asked me to go on a course with the OW, of course I am not going to go but I would rather be up front with you"

Maybe having been cheated on numerous times by now very very ex-p I am suspicious. But I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him - sorry OP but thats how I feel.

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2009 23:02

Curiousity don't they all say that!!!!

And yes I know from both sides what it feels like....only i didn't know my ex was married until we had been seeing eachother for a while but when i found out he was gone.

mrsboogie · 28/09/2009 23:08

He should be looking for a job somewhere else by rights.

Monty100 · 28/09/2009 23:25

Addicted - so you're putting your foot down then?

(Sorry if I sound unsympathetic I'm not. I'm on your side. YANBU. This is a subject close to my heart).

Best wishes.

Original poster

addictedtomn · 29/09/2009 09:48

yes monty the foot is firmly down!!

curiosity - he didnt actually use the words she didnt mean anything - but that was the gist.

and i do know how she got my mobile number, but i cant say too much about it. its being delt with via his work and police (for harrasement)

i honestly think she is completly delusional.

OP posts:

Acanthus · 29/09/2009 09:54

YANBU about the course. He's being a total idiot if he thinks that's ok.

I think you should ease off soon on the constant daytime contact though - you'll have to show him some trust at some point. It seems OTT unless the affair is very very recent.

claw3 · 29/09/2009 10:00

I sympathise with you, but if he is already seeing her regularly through work, what difference does it make if he goes on a training course.

If he wanted to cheat, he could do it anytime. There is nothing anyone can do, to stop someone intent on cheating, from cheating.

LoveBeingAMummy · 29/09/2009 10:07

YANBU it is best if there is some distance between them.

Conundrumish · 29/09/2009 10:15

Part of me says no, don't let him go. Another part of me would want to test him tbh (but obviuosly you'd need to find a way of finding out what went on).

Conundrumish · 29/09/2009 10:15

Part of me says no, don't let him go. Another part of me would want to test him tbh (but obviuosly you'd need to find a way of finding out what went on).

HateTheHoover · 29/09/2009 10:21

OP YANBU AT ALL! TBH I would have been annoyed that he put you in the position of having to put your foot down about it.

LaurieFairyCake · 29/09/2009 10:34

Is there any way at all you could go with him? entertain yourself all day, be with him all evening - treat it as a holiday.

I would be inclined if I properly trusted him to agree to him going.

If you're sure you trust him then he's not going to do anything is he? If he's genuinely committed to rebuilding your relationship then he's not going to do anything is he?

I would definitely be clarifying certain things if he was to go - like no drinking, no intimate chats in the bar/corner/room with her/regular calls.

In the end though if he did do anything you have already said you would leave him.

After you have been as clear as that then it's his choice if he chooses to get out by bonking someone else.

curiositykilled · 29/09/2009 17:31

addictedtomn - I may well have judged this completely hormonally (twin pg and late night) and on my own experience, sorry. I really think what i said before was very thoughtless and potentially upsetting.

Is it possible he's just lying to you about it being her who's mad? My ex told me his OW was a psycho who was stalking him too. He went to great lengths to convince me that was the truth. He told her that I was a psycho and I was telling him he'd never see his son if he left, that we weren't really together and hadn't slept together since the baby had been born. He basically lied to both of us, she had my number too and was saying similar things to me.

Either way, I think he shouldn't go on the trip if he is trying to save your relationship but that the idea not to go should come from him.

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