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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

i think i am but i need other opinions

75 replies

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 21:50

a bit of background - dh recently had an affair, weve been working hard to rebuild our relationship but he works with ow and sees her regularly. i've had a couple of messages from her saying i should walk away from him and let him be with the woman he really loves.

so hes been invited on a training course, which would mean a payrise come january, and more responsibility in a field that he wants to specialise in. the course is not mandatory but it is smethig he would like to do. we dont need the payrise and are quite comfortable on current salery plus what i earn when i can get work.

now heres the catch the course is a few weeks - possibly a month, its not close ot home so it will mean he will have to stay away for that time, although he will be home at weekends. the ow is aldso going on the course and will be staying at the same hotel, sharing taxis and eating meals with my dh.

so aibu to say i dont want him to go and if he does i will see this as the end of our relationship? i've told him i'm happy for him to do the next course when it comes up (possibly not for the next 12-18 months) i just dont want him to do it at the same time as the ow.

OP posts:

Monty100 · 28/09/2009 22:16

He shouldn't even have thought about doing it.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2009 22:17

addicted, are you really sure this affair is over ??

Because I just cannot understand why any man, even a twat-like one, would even let a whiff of a suggestion about a residential training course with his recent OW

how has he convinced you that they are through ?

CuntWhacker · 28/09/2009 22:18

YA Definitely NBU

If he had any resect for you he wouldn't even consider going

paisleyleaf · 28/09/2009 22:19

Anyfucker, I didn't say anything about her DH being untrustworthy as I couldn't tell anything about where he stands there from the OP.
But the messages from the OW made me think she is definately untrustworthy.

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:19

lol, i'm not going to leave him. i didnt start this thread for that i just wanted to know if i was being unreasonable to say he cant go.

i have my reasons for staying with him and if he ever does anything like this again i'm off and he knows that. i may be nieve, stupid, thick etc. but i want to at least give our relationship another go, to know i've done everything i can to make it work.

like i said the look in his eyes when he told me he'd been having an affair was enough for me to know he knew that hed gone too far and that he'd been really stupid

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/09/2009 22:20

have just re-read your title

did you really mean that you thought you were being unreasonable to say no ????

< gives up >

Monty100 · 28/09/2009 22:22

If and a big IF - you had a liaison with some other bloke, even an emotional affair, would you expect your dh to understand your wanting to attend a residential course with that person??

Think he's out of order even suggesting it. And I don't know why you are considering it, or thinking yabu!

PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/09/2009 22:22

If he wants to save his marriage he needs to get another job and tell you the TRUTH.

There have been many, many threads on infidelity and usually, they don't tell the whole truth at first, for as long as they can get away with.

You need to wise up and start thinking about what is going on instead of believing every word that comes out of his lying mouth.

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:22

sorry any fucker that should have said lol, i'm getting better but still very slow at typing.

i'm positive that its over but scared and parinoid that it might happan again. the problem is we were very happy before this happand had a decent sex life and i though teverything was fine. i dont know why he had the affair and he doesnt know why it happand either.

again i know i'm nieve and stupid etc

OP posts:

fluffles · 28/09/2009 22:23

no, you're not being unreasonable, it's far too soon for you to be able to trust him in that situation and the OW will be making a play for him which can only be awkward at best (wont mention the worst case scenario).

i'm usually totally trusting and am with my DP but as i said, the affair is far too recent, even if he stays strong you wont be able to sleep for worrying/wondering...

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:24

no anyfucker i didnt really think i was unreasonable but worried that i may have got a roasting as when it comes to his affair i can get a little unreasonable

OP posts:

groundhogs · 28/09/2009 22:24

I think you are wise to say that he isn't going on this course, and as long as OW isn't on the next one, then he can go to that.

He kinda needs to know he's in the Sin Bin at the moment, and every single move he makes will be observed, and anything untoward will be questioned. I think, from what you have said, that he does get that, but it needs to be gently reiterated.

For what it's worth, the reaction of sadness when you said No to the course, could be that he realises how much he fucked up???

But then again, if he said it meant nothing, then why would he even want to go on a course with some ol' slapper he's just used and dumped... wouldn't he want her to be the last person to go on a course with???

How long ago did all this come to light? If it's been officially 'over' for a while, and she's texting you, that's harrassment... and could be reported to her employers, perhaps?

Hope you have kept them, I think sim card reader is an option if not.. and if you get anymore of them, the very next call you make after it pops up in your inbox, to the MD of that company, with a serious complaint against her. Make an appointment to see him and show them they text message, so they can see where it comes from.

Also consider the police, apparently they take cyber/text bullying more seriously these days...

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre · 28/09/2009 22:26

addicted - nowt wrong with being trusting - can't have a successful relationship without it. However - he's broken that trust once, and he doesn't know why?! Have you gone to Relate - because if you thought everything was fine before, and he can't think why he had an affair - you need some honesty from him, which it doesn't sound like you're getting on your own.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/09/2009 22:27

I think I'm a reasonably good driver and unlikely to cause an accident, but I wear my seatbelt every time because I'm sharing the road with some complete loons.

You think (and maybe he does too) that your DH's affair is over and he will not stray again. But he is sharing his working life with the OW who is determined to see you off.

Even if you're right, she's not going to make it easy for him. She is the loon with whom you are sharing the road.

It is not sensible for your DH to attend this course. If there will be another one along soon, it would be sensible to let this one pass and take the next. What's the hurry, after all? You're not financially dependent on it.

Monty100 · 28/09/2009 22:28

Hotels are lonely places. Have you got it yet?

ReneRusso · 28/09/2009 22:30

Of course he shouldn't go. He must know he shouldn't go if he is really serious about repairing the damage to your relationship.
I think it is important to try and find out why the affair happened, in order to get over it. If you can't work it out together you might need to talk it through with a counsellor.

ReneRusso · 28/09/2009 22:30

ReneRusso · 28/09/2009 22:31

sorry f'ing laptop

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:31

crack yes were having marrage councilling.

oh and something i should have mentioned before was that the ow doing this course will mean they wil spend practicall no time together.

OP posts:

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:32

monty, i've told him that if he does go it will be the end of our relationship, i just wanted to know from impartiall people weather or not that was reasonable

OP posts:

2kidzandi · 28/09/2009 22:33

I cannot understand how, if your DH is truthfully over this woman and truly sorry for what he did he would even be thinking of going on this course. He must know that this would be bound to make you feel insecure. And where does she get the idea that she's the 'woman he really loves?' Why is she so confident?

He shouldn't be working anywhere with her at all IMO. You definately are not being unreasonable. I think you've been very very reasonable so far.

How will you feel if he ends up going? Awful the whole time, I'll bet. Don't give this OW anymore chances to help wreck your marriage for good.

Monty100 · 28/09/2009 22:33

They'll be under the same roof, sharing meals, taxis etc.

She still thinks he should be hers.

Do you think she isn't going to give it her all to get him the sack?

YANBU to say no.

CrackWhoretoPaulDacre · 28/09/2009 22:33

Practical work time maybe, but on a course you go out for meals together, get to know the local area, drinks in the bar etc...

If your DH can't admit why he started on the affair, it feels to me as if he's still 'at risk' of doing it again IYSWIM?

How's counselling going?

Monty100 · 28/09/2009 22:35

Sorry 'IN the sack' But then, that could have been Freudian.

Original poster

addictedtomn · 28/09/2009 22:37

i'm making him do lots of things that maybe arent reasonable like ringing when he gets to work, ringing when he leaves work, ringing at least every 2 hours and if hes in a meeting i need to know before. i need to know his work schedual and if hes working late or late leaving work i need to know about it by lunch time. i also go and check the traffic reports to find out if the traffic is bad so i know how long it will take him to get home.

like i said when it comes to the affair i ask for a lot that could be deemed unreasonable

OP posts:

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