To be a little bit upset/miffed/whatever by what my DS's teacher said?

[chegirl]

Ok not an anti teacher rant honest and I do mean I feel a bit upset - not outraged or anything.

I like my DS's new teacher. I am really impressed that he took the time to read up on DS's SN before term. He knew my name on the first day and seems to be geniunely open and interested.

I am a wee bit sensitive around the subject of DS's skin condition. He has severe atoptic eczema and he is affected very badly by it. We have spent years trying to get it under control and at times he has looked like a burns victim. It has taken a lot of hard work to get it to the state it is now which is not perfect but so very much better than it was last year.

I have always been open with the school and it took me some time to get through just how serious DS's condition is and how it affects him. I thought I had got there particularly as the new teacher seemed so ready to listen re DS's other addtional needs.

Anyhooo - last week (yes I really have been brooding for that long) he pulled me aside and said
Its about Ds's eczema..
Um yes?
Well its very bad
Um yes..
He scratches a lot and his skin is very red
Um yes, he has very bad eczema...
Well that cream you gave us doesnt work, his skin is still bad...
Its just his moisuriser, it wont cure the eczema, its part of his skin care regime...
Well we think it makes it worse...
No it doesnt...
Well anyway, do you think you can do something about it over the weekend? I mean can you sort something out?
Um sorry but there isnt much I can do, his condition isnt curable and we can only try our best to control it..
Yes I understand but the thing is, its very hard for us to have to watch him suffer...

Flippen eck. I know he is lovely to be concerned but I wish people would try and understand that some people's eczema is not just going to get better with the right cream, diet, tablet etc.

We have been trying for years to sort our boy out. He sees the dermatologist every few weeks, he has been allergy tested, my housekeeping regime would astound Kim and Aggie (allergy to dustmites), we have redecorated house, use special cleaners and laundry products, spend hours on skin care daily, wash wash wash bloody everything, hoover and dust like a OCD sufferer on crack .....

In the past few years I have been told that I should 'really do something about that poor boy's skin', asked 'what the hell have you done to him?', told 'if you really wanted to you could make him better', been accused of keeping him that way to claim benefits...

Our dermatology specialist nurse is wonderful and assures me that we have done wonders with DS. But I get really sad when I see him crying and scratching and now he has begun to comment on his 'skins' and how people sometimes say 'errrr' to him.

So poor teacher has hit a raw nerve and is certainly oblivious to upsetting me but I cant help it

I am bloody pregant so am I allowed to be a bit UR?

Dd's eczema, mainly on one side of her face, was worse at nursery. At one point they got quite shirty with me, demanding to be told what was causing it as it was a health and safety issue - and might even be contagious!!! Well it's eczema and we only wished we knew and they knew as much as we did!!!

Anyway, took dd out of that nursery before she was 3 and guess what - she has hardly had it since! I do wish we knew exactly what it was causing it though.

yes central heating and dust is really bad make me really flare. In my day when i was at school Eczema was not really heard about and i remember the school being so dusty floors carpets furniture i dont think then enough was known about it like it is now. hope that you manage to talk to the teacher and give him the information that would help understand Eczema. Sometimes the doctor prescribes you the 'right thing' it goes for a few weeks than comes back again

my goodness i think i am such a dirty person, only shower ever other day or every two days, i have a wash down there everyday though and face and hands but too much water is not good i find ence the bad Eczema on my hands due to cleaning dd she still in nappies. I think that the doctor told me is when the immune system turns in on itself and attacks the body or something like that.

Acionyx, I suspect your daughter was getting stressed by the nursery staff's comments and it was making it worse, hence moving her from there helped clear it a bit.

My DS1 and DS2 had dry skin with small patches of eczema I stopped bathing them everyday and now do boths boys only every 2-3 days and they don't smell - that much!

we have to bath dd every day & we use oilatum in her bath , it takes the sting out of the water iykwim , her doctor has suggested we bath her twice a day now but i think that would only dry out her skin even more so am going to stick to once a day & smoother her in aveeno cream ,

chegirl good luck with the teacher this afternoon x

Piglet, don't worry, I'm filthy. I only bath DS about once a week (he does get washed in between times but I find his skin does much better left alone), and I wash every other day or so, I simply can't do it more often because of my skin. My hands are really bad at the mo - nappies, hand washing etc. are taking their toll. I had to have antibiotics a couple of weeks ago because they'd got so bad. I have an effective hydrocortisone now.

poor little mite, sounds a bit like dp's eczema, he has to use the steroid cream every second day at least or it flares up horrifically, he's tried everything else imaginable so he can avoid or even cut down on the steroids but no matter what it still flares up without them.... he's been using steroid cream 3/4 times a week or more for almost 15 year continuously

as for the teacher... grrr on your behalf, how upsetting! at least it sounds like it was meant to be caring and concerned, even if it was incredibly tactless and ill thought out.

on a similar note, dd's teacher told me this week 'Can you understand how upsetting it is for me to see a child of that age being carried into school. It's really terrible to see but if you insist on her being here it's your responsibilty' she has a broken leg ffs, not a terminal illness!

Do they make him sit on the carpet? (I hate this - it seems to be the norm in primary schools, but I think it is very dirty..)

PinkTulips - what a peculiar comment!

This was a persistent pattern over 3 years and I think there was something used regularly at nursery, either in the room or the food - or else it was just the stress of nursery itself which waxed and waned (in retrospect I wish she'd never gone to nursery - switched to a CM at 3). I don't think it wasn't stressful necessarily - but it was for her in particular.

It flairs up occaisionally and I think something is triggering it - but I can't figure out what that is.

Acinonyx, we have a family history of eczema and my DH has Eutecaria (sp?) and my close friend has quite severe psoriasis (sp?) while none of these skin conditions are 'caused' by stress, I think stress has a major part to play in the worsening or flare ups IME. I bet your LO had comments made at nursery and it made her condition worse. I'm glad she is a bit better now.

he he boundarybabe there should be a smelly icon on here, i would definitely use it. I would love to have a shower everday but as you know its not good to have water on your skin often. It does strip your skin it really does, when it was bad as a kid i used to have one a week, i should not really have everyother day but i just feel i need one.

piglet... bizarrely dp finds that if he doesn't shower every two days at least it actually makes the eczema far worse!

Oh pinktulip well opposite for me really, it does help though if i have used enough emollient on my skin and the water can sometimes slid off.

I am sitting writing this eating a wham bar full of e numbers, i am my own worse enemy. i am glad dd on her nap and cannot see me

Anyone with a shred of intelligence would be able to see that this teacher spoke out of concern and compassion. Yes he had little knowledge of the situation, yes he handled it badly and yes it is natural that the OP would feel upset. However feeling angry at this teacher or suggesting complaining about him is ridiculous. He's a teacher not a doctor he would no doubt be mortified to think he had upset you. As teachers we know that we don't know everything about every condition, schools also have notoriously bad communication and due to confidentiality teachers are frequently told nothing or very little about the health issues of their students. But of course for SOME posters the immediate reaction is to be enraged at what a shit the teacher is for daring to express concern. Unless the OP tells the teacher about the condition as far as the teacher knows she may not be doing anything.

I work with children with all sorts of SN and SEN and medical needs and for me their welfare and education is paramount, but the level of rage and vitriol directed towards teachers and schools on Mumsnet sometimes makes me feel like I should just give up. Luckily IRL the parents I deal with tend to realise that most teachers are doing their best (as this one clearly was) and are not the opposition in some way.

Sorry this became a bit ranty and most posters on this thread have been very reasonable but balloonslayers post made me see red!

Absolutely YANBU.

I can understand why you are upset. I would be inconsolable if that was me. Sometimes people don't realise how what they say can be really hurtful.

Did it make you see red that I suggest chegirl ignores me, londonone?

I thought by saying that I made it clear I knew I was over-reacting and that it would not be an appropriate thing to do.

However, I maintain that the teacher is being extremely patronising, suggesting that she "sort out" a lifelong chronic condition over the weekend.

"He's a teacher not a doctor" I agree. So why does he think he is qualified to tell the child's mother that the cream she has provided is not working, and makes it worse?

" he would no doubt be mortified to think he had upset you." - if he doesn't know that suggesting that watching your own child suffer does not distress a parent as much as it would distress the child's teacher, would upset that parent then he must have the hide of a rhinocerous.

"as teachers we know that we don't know everything about every condition, " - That's great, but THIS teacher clearly thinks he does know all about eczema because he is telling the mother to sort the eczema out over a weekend and the creams are not working, and are making him worse. In short he is telling the mother what he should do.

I am afraid that when my DS1 was suffering from this sort of eczema, I was tired, stressed and miserable trying to cope with it. I frequently felt angry when I was patronised or addressed as if I was not looking after my child when in fact I spent all my waking hours trying to alleviate his condition.

The OP makes it quite clear that she has spent quite a lot of time talking to the school about her DS's SEN and his eczema. Therefore your comment about the teacher not knowing about his condition is incorrect.

Just because someone is a teacher, it does not mean that their mistakes should be ignored, and be unconfronted, just because they are a teacher.

But I repeat, my post was to sympathise with her anger and upset, having been there myself, and I thought I had added a disclaimer that I would not really have complained.

(FWIW my DS1's teacher told another child - in front of DS1 - that DS1 would die if that child threw milk at him as he had threatened. DS1 did not know until then that his food allergy is potentially fatal. Well thanks a bunch. Yet I have not complained to the school because I know the teacher was only doing her best blardeblar.)

People who haven't dealt with eczema have no idea. Sometimes you can pinpoint the cause, sometimes you can control it, sometimes the creams work and sometimes they don't. It can flare up for no discernable reason and ease off without warning and you can never sort it permanently.

Sympathy for you and your DS, I have eczema as well. Used to get up in the night and scrape my heels on the living room carpet until they bled. It did ease off when I was about 12 but comes and goes still. I think it does get easier to deal with with an older child at least!

Londoneone - you have a head full of magic IMO. Teach was not expressing concern at all he was just being a prick. As if OP would turn around and say "oh you know what? I never thought of trying to get it sorted, I just thought he liked scratching the top layer of his epidermis off, thanks for suggesting I try and sort it out"

OP - YANBU suggest to him he keeps his helpful opinions to himself as a kick in the bollocks often offends

balloon - I think I misunderstood the tone of your post. FWIW I don't think the teacher was suggesting he knew what to do I think he was suggesting that IHO the cream wasn't working. Tactless and poorly worded his approach was but I certainly think he meant well.

cashier - Hopefully your children do have teachers that don't give a shit as any sort of interest would no doubt be attacked by you.

Chegirl, if it helps, most schools hoover (and mop hard floors) every day.

Londonone, it's hard being a teacher because you genuinely do have the best interests of your pupils at heart. But being a parent is like that x1000. I've been both and as a teacher I remember being upset with how a parent had responded to me, now I get just how upsetting I was. The head at my school would very gently always point out the parents point of view. The emotions involved are so powerful, it's difficult to describe. I know that even though all my DC's teachers will probably be lovely had caring, at least one of them will end up upsetting me without meaning to.

Londonone. I know that there can be quite a lot of outrage directed at teachers on MN. Bu this thread is not in that catagory. I think you reacted to the fact this thread is about a teacher rather than the actual OP.

Its not an anti teacher rant. The teacher did upset me, not with his concern but with his comments.

It would make no difference if he was a teacher, youth worker or Scout Master.

I have spoken at great length to the school and I know that the information has been passed to this teacher. I know this because I made a complaint against the school's terrible communication last year. They had not been passing on vital info to DS's teachers and I thought this was unfair on DS, me and his teachers. If I had a child in my class with SEN, emotional difficulties and a medical condition I would want to know.

It is difficult to explain how comments over years and years can grind you down. There are far worse conditions than eczema but that doesnt mean it does not impact on our lives. The thing is with this condition is that every bugger thinks they know all about it, knows how to cure it and have the right to come and tell you just what you should do about it. It is also disfiguring and a suprising amount of adults do not feel the need to shield me or my DS from their disgust.

Eczema wears you down. Its never ending and there is little you can do to help your DC who is suffering.

So yes I may well be a bit sensitive about it but that doesnt mean I do not have good reason to be a bit miffed with DS's teacher, however well meaning or off the cuff his comments were.

well said chegirl

Chegirl - as i said I kow I got a bit ranty and off topic and that wasn't aimed at you so much as those who suggested the teacher was in some way dreadful or malicious. As for communication well done for complaning as far to often headteachers and SENCOs get all the info but don't necessarily disseminate it effectively and as a class teacher this was one of my biggest frustrations.

aw, che, poor you.

I would be cross too, mainly because you have to constantly explain yourself and your actions and are oftn put in the position of being considered an ineffectual mother.

I'd get some leaflets or website print-outs about eczema and hand them in to the teacher. I'd possibly arrange a meeting to explain things further too.