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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Want FIL un-invited over Christmas?

33 replies

CakeForBreakfast · 26/09/2009 21:54

I am expecting my second baby in early Nov. Assuming (s)he arrives on time, by Christmas time I will have as 6-7 week old newborn, as well as dc1 (2yo) of course!!

Myself and dh agreed already that we will 'hide' this Christmas and have a nice quiet one together with our newborn, no other family. BUT, I have now learned that fil plans to come over for Christmas.

FIL (divorced from mil) lives abroad so we only see him once or max twice a year, ours are his only gc's. He would need to stay at our house. It wouldn't be for long,last year he stayed for just 3 days.

I was livid when I found out. Dh thought I would be fine with it as fil would not have another opportunity until summer to see the new baby and I have always welcomed in-laws.

The topic has become a little prickly now between dh and myself. I can make a big stink and insist he is uninvited, but I don't really know what to do. On one hand, I do alot for my in-laws and treat them like VIP's whenever they visit and every Christmas for the 4 years has centered around them. So I thought my request of a quiet one should have been respected. On the other hand, I get on fine with the in-laws and will feel like an ungracious tool if I make fil uninvited and he can't come to see the baby.

I am hormonal. I barely trust my feelings. What should I do?

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 26/09/2009 21:56

Could FIL stay in a hotel nearby? Are there any other family near you he could visit as well?

EightiesChick · 26/09/2009 21:57

Does he absolutely need to stay at yours? How about booking him a nice hotel 'as a treat'?

wonderingwondering · 26/09/2009 21:57

Let it go. He's on his own, keen to see his GC, won't be too much trouble presumably? Might be quite nice to have an extra pair of hands to play with all the toys/make a fuss of the children (esp your 2 yr old)/unwrap all those dreadful plastic ties that toys come bound up with.

gerontius · 26/09/2009 21:58

Can he not come a month later or something?

Katisha · 26/09/2009 21:59

Depends whether he is going to expect to be waited upon as usual or not really.
How reasonable is he?

TimothyTigerTuppennyTail · 26/09/2009 22:00

I'd agree to him coming, on the understanding that DH will do EVERYTHING involved in his stay.

MadBadandCoveredinSequins · 26/09/2009 22:01

I think you have to be gracious and welcome your FIL. I can understand why you hoped for a quiet time, but I think dis-inviting your FIL would be far more hurtful than simply failing to invite him, iyswim. Make it plain to your DH that this year you expect to be the one treated like a VIP and, while you try to rest with your baby, FIL will just have to pitch in. Who knows, maybe your FIL could take your toddler to the park for a special playdate with grandad while you and DH relax with the baby.

So YANBU to be disappointed at the change in plan but YWouldBeU to retract an invitation that's already been offered.

foxyjbro99 · 26/09/2009 22:06

I have this same dilemma every Xmas/birthday.
I would love to have the courage to say no you can't stay, or could you stay in a nearby hotel. Unfortunately I always cave in, and my favourite time of year has now turned into something that I dread!! I keep saying to myself, next year we'll have a nice xmas!! They even stayed the night at ours the first night I brought my baby girl back from hospital!!! They take over the house, treat it as though it is their son's house, and I'm the guest! You don't get any thanks for it though, I don't anyway (probably cos it's obvious I'm p*ed off about the situation!) So if you're braver than me I'd put your foot down and have an enjoyable xmas where you get the chance to relax!!

foxyjbro99 · 26/09/2009 22:09

PS My husband always does everything for them when they're here to try and make things easier for me, but I think that makes it worse. The FIL is now constantly cracking "jokes" about me being lazy and not even having a job!!

Original poster
CakeForBreakfast · 26/09/2009 22:09

Unfortunately, no other family nearby, nearest is MIL - he can't stay there!

We live rurally, local B&B's are already booked up (and cost a fortune over Christmas), otherwise that would've been fine.

He is a lovely person, but a fussy eater and obviously I can't get my squirty boobs out in front so I will be in isolation feeding newborn in the bedroom. On the other hand, it would be great for dd1 who will probably love the attention of someone other than stressed and tired mum and dad.

I am worried it will be noticed if I don't make any kind of a fuss for his visit (if he comes), my in-laws are lovely, but sensitive and kindof need to be constantly reassured and made a fuss off to feel they are welcome!

Oh I don't know, half of me is just pissed off that what I wanted isn't immediately put in place by dh, but the other half thinks - well, once kiddies come along, this is part of the job??

OP posts:
foxyjbro99 · 26/09/2009 22:12

how about he comes for NY instead?

Original poster
CakeForBreakfast · 26/09/2009 22:13

foxy there I was feeling rather sorry for myself, your situation sounds more infuriating! What will you do this Christmas?

OP posts:
foxyjbro99 · 26/09/2009 22:18

I have already made it clear (in January) that my mom has invited us to hers for xmas this year, so we're going there! Which gives us a good excuse for not to inviting them to ours & has the added bonus of someone else doing the cooking! yay!
Since then we have been made to feel guilty cos the husband's bro and his family are going to aus for xmas (as they did last yr - think it's their only way to escape xmas with the inlaws)! So they will be on their own this Xmas, but we're going up boxing day as a compromise.

MadBadandCoveredinSequins · 26/09/2009 22:20

I don't think it is part of the job, but I do think that retracting an invitation is incredibly rude in itself, so you need to weigh up how determined you are not to have FIL staying in your home, how hurt your FIL would be, how disappointed your dd might be that grandad isn't coming after all and (vitally) how your DH might respond to being told his dad isn't welcome.

If your FIL's got any sense, he'll realise that a woman with a tiny baby isn't going to wait on him hand and foot. If you're worried about boob glimpses, could you drape yourself in a pashmina or similar, take root on the sofa with your baby and make it clear that he'll have to shift for himself a bit more than he's used to?

Original poster
CakeForBreakfast · 27/09/2009 07:56

Good old MN. Voice of reason!

You are right, it is a bit off to un-invite someone once they've accepted. I will have to NOT try to be perfect hostess and just wander about in my pj's doing what I need to do and let him deal with it!

Thank you

OP posts:
diddl · 27/09/2009 09:18

I think lay some ground rules & make sure the stay isn´t too long.

Original poster
CakeForBreakfast · 27/09/2009 11:04

Yes,

I reckon 3 days is a maximum.

dh and I have just finished a 'discussion'. His view is that we can't get away from family wanting to see their grandchildren/nieces, especially at Christmas and thats the parenthood thing we have to deal with. The bugger had the guts to suggest to me - an almost 8 month pregnant whale that I was being selfish!

Anyway, its been agreed, I am not required to hostess or look after, can b/feed wherever I want and get the tele remote.

I think fil will be disgusted, but I reckon will be too polite to say anything. (I hope)

OP posts:
UniS · 27/09/2009 19:03

maybe FiL will take himself off to kitchen in embarrassment at you BFing and make lots of cups of tea. Thats what my dad did.

scroobiuspirate · 27/09/2009 19:08

he''ll have to put up and shut up thn won't he.

nah, i'm being mean, i am sure he will be fine, and this will give you a chance to have things in the home , your way. your dh will have to be the organised xmas elf, to repay you ie 'here's your lovely xmas grandad',
I expect grandad will be really chuffed to see dgc?

um, whats mil gonna say tho? !!!!!

funtimewincies · 27/09/2009 19:11

I'm also due around the same time and am already planning on which GPs I can get to entertain my 2 year old ds !

I suppose it's all down to what your FIL expects and how much help he'll be. If you can afford it, for Christmas lunch I'd get ready prepared veg and one of those M&S or similar ready-prepared roasts that you bung in the oven in their foil tray, so less washing up as well as preparation. And then let your dh and FIL get on with it.

zipzap · 28/09/2009 01:07

On the other hand could be a perfect opportunity to set up the bedroom as a perfect retreat for you and the new baby, tv, internet connection for MN, video/dvd/whatever, nice books and mags, chocs, yummy food etc and just claim that the baby needs feeding and disappear off whenever you want to... leaving your dad and fil and dc1 to fend for themselves.

separate issue is the fact that your dh took it upon himself to change something that you had decided between you. Sounds like he knew that you probably would say no by the fact he didn't ask you until it was too late and the deed was done. If he thought that if he asked you and you would say yes he would have asked you. How do you think he would feel if you did something similar to him?

And is your dh going to talk to your fil in advance and make sure that he understands that this is not going to be a normal christmas, you are going to be a very new mum with a very new baby and that you know from experience that that means you can't run around after everyone else, that you have to put the baby first and that in order to do that you sometimes have to put yourself first etc etc etc.

Tambajam · 28/09/2009 07:17

I think that as the baby is due early Nov a Christmas stay for 3 days isn't unreasonable. He may actually end up being a help but you have to make it clear that things will be different and he and DH need to take over responsibility for cooking etc. And you need to ensure that you behave differently too and let them take over.

If the baby was due early Dec I'd probably be on your side but 6-7 weeks is enough time to get into a better stride.

2rebecca · 28/09/2009 13:19

If you agreed you would have a quiet xmas then your husband was totally unreasonable in inviting his father to visit/ not telling him you were having a quiet xmas and he couldn't come.
What was he thinking of? I'd be angry about this and I'm not hormonal. If you agree you are having a quiet xmas you don't then go around telling rellies they can visit without BOTH changing your minds.

Pikelit · 28/09/2009 14:09

In fairness, 6-7 weeks isn't quite a newborn and you might well enjoy the help with your older child (speaking as someone who had 2 under 2 one Christmas!) but for sure, it is up to you to lay down the ground rules. FIL, with respect, can either put up with breastfeeding or do the Other Thing. Likewise, you aren't running a Michelin starred restaurant so he'll have to eat what is available.

2rebecca · 28/09/2009 14:17

I think a 6 week old is worse than a newborn. Mine were at maximum crying/ colic phase then.
I don't get what foxybros relatives are moaning about saying they will be "on their own". They are a married couple, of course they won't be alone they'll have each other. It's sad some older couples don't relish this the way younger ones do, especially as I suspect some peoples parents and inlaws aren't much older than me.