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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a play date is not for doing homework together?

57 replies

Helloall · 25/09/2009 14:33

Son went on playdate. Found out their new nanny made them do their homework. They are only 7. The new nanny is a bit tough, but each to their own.

My son is happy to do homework with us. He is doing quite well at school.

I would never dream of getting out another child's spelling book and making them do their homework when they come here. Wouldn't feel it was my place at all. What if my son were really worried about his spelling etc?

Want to politely tell mother (who I do like) that I don't want this new nanny to do this again but fear offending her.

What do you all think?

OP posts:

Fairynufff · 27/09/2009 17:05

Perhaps the nanny hadn't been asked (or paid) for the extra child she had to mind. (who invites a child over for a play date and then gets the nanny to deal with it?) It was probably her own way of keeping them in a manageable mind set until she was off the clock...

Sassybeast · 27/09/2009 17:06

It's pretty much the norm here for playdates to include homeork. Otherwise you get a tired, hyped up kid home and THEN have to tackle homework. DD enjoys doing homework with a friend. YABU.

foxinsocks · 27/09/2009 17:08

no, it might have been the night the nanny is expected to do homework with the kids

lilolilmanchester · 27/09/2009 17:11

Homework at "playdate" is OK, but only IF this was part of the deal up front. But not if child is expecting to go and play then ends up doing homework.

foxinsocks · 27/09/2009 17:14

I'd be delighted if mine came back from anywhere with their homework done tbh (chance would be a fine thing)

frogs · 27/09/2009 17:37

I had a friend of ds's here on Friday night after school cos his mum was working away. I needed my ds to have his homework done as we had other plans for over the weekend. So htey played football for a bit, had drink and biscuits, they both cracked throught their 30 mins homework, had supper, watched a DVD.

Job done. The dad was thrilled that the homework was all done and dusted when he picked him up on Saturday morning.

Dc generally prefer doing their homework together, and much less likely to make a fuss for another parent or nanny than they would at home. Presumably it will have been 20 mins work max, so it's not as if they were doing 2 hours of solid long division.

YAB precious and silly. Be grateful it's out of the way and you've got the rest of the weekend free. Next time you could offer to send your child with his musical instrument so that friend's nanny can supervise music practice as well.

blueshoes · 27/09/2009 17:38

Would kiss the feet of anyone who makes my dd do homework and got it out of the way first. If dd is happy to do it (and she generally does things more willingly under peer pressure), why should it matter that she is not 'playing' on a playdate.

She is spending time with her friend.

Think it is a bit control freaky to speak to the mum or nanny to dictate what dd can or cannot do on a playdate.

ReneRusso · 27/09/2009 17:49

YABU. If my 7 year old comes home from a playdate at 6:30pm having not done their homework I consider that ever so slightly bad form by the other parent / nanny. Their homework is set every night and has to be done by the next day, so I think it should be done as soon as they get home, then they can relax and play.

Bathsheba · 27/09/2009 17:54

I suspect playdates aren;t really in a Nanny's remit...so I suspect it was a case of "Well, this is what we are doing anyway, your friend can fit in to that"...

And I suspect its the routine of that family that homework is done when you get in from school before playing.

Like other people have said, I actually think its fab getting someone else to supervise their homework.

Reallytired · 27/09/2009 17:58

You live in a different world to me. I don't know any child in RL with a nanny. If I was you I would be polite and grateful that someone has looked after your kid.

stepaway · 27/09/2009 18:00

if my son was happy with the arrangement, i'd be happy.

Original poster

Helloall · 27/09/2009 19:24

Appreciate all the feedback and feel that there are lots of differing opinions. I appreciate the nanny's position - trying to get the job done.

But my son WAS unhappy about it. He wasn't distressed as he is an easy going child but didn't want to do it, however she insisted and made him get his books out of his bag and sit down and do it. He felt uncomfortable.

He is only 7 and although he is now doing well - he was very tearful in Year 2 about being 'rubbish' had low self esteem etc. However, we worked really hard (with the school) to help turn it all around.

I don't want him being scared by a stranger (the nanny) and being forced to do homework. I wouldn't make a child of 7 do homework at mine for exactly this reason. I don't know if they are doing well at school? Struggling? What if they started crying? I would be considerate about the child's feelings.

That said, as they grow older and with the agreement of other parents then of course that might change -

OP posts:

LynetteScavo · 27/09/2009 21:03

Of course nanny's don't get paid extra for play dates; they are all part of what a nanny of a school age child does.

LynetteScavo · 27/09/2009 21:05

Helloall, maybe it's best if you have your frinds son to your house, rather thatn let your DS be looked after by this nanny.

StewieGriffinsMom · 27/09/2009 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

argento · 27/09/2009 21:13

I'm a nanny - and as far as I'm concerned having another child over after schools means that child fits in with my and my charges routine. If that meant doing homework before playing then that's what I'd do.

I wouldn't force the guest to do their homework but I would have no problem with saying "charge has to do his homework before you go and play, do you want to do yours too?".

blueshoes · 27/09/2009 21:26

Sounds sensible, argento.

SGM, I can understand why a parent would want to supervise homework but having someone else do it for one day is not the end of the world.

seeker · 27/09/2009 22:00

Helloall, if a 7 year old was worried and tearful about homework, I would be complaining to the school about it - any homework a 7 year old had to do should be 10 minutes easy peasy stuff only set because some bonkers parents judge a school by how much homework is given!

cat64 · 27/09/2009 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pikelit · 28/09/2009 01:00

Having put aside my intense dislike of the word "playdate", I'm firmly on the side of everyone who'd much rather get a child back with its homework done.

GiraffesAndDucksSayQuack · 28/09/2009 03:05

I can't believe some people would be "livid" at this! What a waste of emotions!

happynanny22 · 28/09/2009 04:24

I haven't read the whole thread but had you considered it might have been the nanny's responsibility to ensure her charge's homework was complete before she left for the day? And depending when your son was to be collected, she may not have had the time to work with her charge after your son had left?

When children come to my charge's house I ask them to do their homework with mine - so that it is fair to everyone. At our school homework is marked daily, so it needs to be done before bath time at 6:30.

They generally all complete it like the speed of light anyhow and don't mind at all - since everyone is doing it. If a visiting child told me they found their spelling difficult I would work with them in the same way I help my charges, or give them the option to do it with their parents at home (if it was a legitimate anxiety, not just not feeling like it)

I don't see anything wrong with that at all

blueshoes · 28/09/2009 08:34

Helloall, it never occurred to me that a 7 year old could be scared of doing homework. But if your ds is uncomfortable with doing homework with the nanny and is not able to vocalise that, then yes, in his case, I can see why you might want to raise this issue or not have your ds go over again.

I do think it is a somewhat special case though. There is no reason to assume that the nanny is intimidating. She might be absolutely lovely, especially if you tip her off as to your ds' situation. Perhaps it might even help your ds gain confidence with doing homework in a different environment.

I think it would be quite a nice opportunity for your ds.

MuffinToptheMule · 28/09/2009 08:53

When I worked as an AP I was 'in charge' after school. It was my job to ensure that the children had their homework completed. This even applied to the 5 year old. If friends came over to play then they too would do their homework. They would have the same or similar homework that would be due in the next day so when else were they supposed to do it.
The most annoying thing is if one of the children went to another child's house after school and then arrived home without having done their homework.

YABU

blueshoes · 28/09/2009 08:58

Agree, muffin. The reason why I don't like afterschool playdates is because my dd comes home too exhausted to concentrate on homework. But if homework could be done as part of the playdate, as would be the case if dd were playing at home, then it makes sense.

But of course, I could never ask another parent/nanny/aupair to do homework. So instead, I am not keen on afterschool playdates.

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