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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about dh having a vasectomy?

43 replies

legsfirmlycrossed · 25/09/2009 14:18

I am a regular but have namechanged.

Dh and I have two dc and have both agreed that we do not want any more. Up until fairly recently dh had been the one to suggest that he has a vasectomy, and seemed genuinely up for it.

It has taken me a while longer to conclude that I really don't wanat any more children, but I am now in that place. The only thing is, now dh is refusing to consider a vasectomy!

I have thrombosis issues so am not keen on taking hormonal contraceptives. I had thought the mirena coil was the answer to my prayers until I had one fitted and had to have it surgically removed as it perforated my womb. So now we are left with barrier methods, which IMO carry too much risk (have conceived astonishingly easily/accidentally before).

I had a termination many years ago, and know that I haven't got the emotional strength to go through with the pain of that ever again .

Dh knows all of this and won't discuss with me or give me any reason for not considering a vasectomy. When I broach the subject he maked out that I am using it as an excuse to abstain from sex! To which his response is 'Not bothered'.

I am not trying to 'blackmail' him into doing it as he believes. I have tried (non-confrontationally) to discuss the issue, pointing out my fears over accidental pregnancy.

Aibu to expect some sacrifice considering I have gone through one very traumatic birth, another not so bad (but still bloody painful) birth, another op due to the coil and he knows what an unwanted pregnancy would do to me emotionally?

I know this comes across as just a rant but I am genuinely interested in people's opinions on this.

OP posts:

clop · 25/09/2009 14:21

Men hate the idea of someone fiddling with their bits; my DH was nearly in tears the day of his snip.
Could you get sterilised?

WidowWadman · 25/09/2009 14:25

Difficult one. I can understand both of you. I don't think I could go ahead with something irreversible, even if I didn't want any more children.

On the other hand you got very good reasons for your point of view, too.

Original poster

legsfirmlycrossed · 25/09/2009 14:27

Yes I suppose I could get sterilised...

It is an easier op for men though isn't it? And you'd think that in the interests of fairness he might consider it.

OP posts:

carocaro · 25/09/2009 14:28

He should at least talk to you about it. You have been through a lot. Do you know any men who have had it done he could talk to? I know one and he said it was a breeze, not at all as horrible as everyone makes out.

He says they also enjoy sex a lot more, although they don't do it that often as they have 3 small kids, but when they do they are both relaxed about it as no chance of a baby!

Elk · 25/09/2009 14:28

My dh always said he would have a vasectomy rather than me getting my tubes tied but it has come down to a difference of opinion. He would like no. 3 and I wouldn't so I have just had the mirena fitted. I will be 40 when it needs to be removed (if all goes well it is early days) and I am hoping he will have changed his mind.

I think lots of men do have a lot of difficulty with the idea of a vasectomy and since they aren't the ones who get pregnant it isn't that high on their list priorities. The men I know who have had it done tend to be older and have older children.

Not sure that any of my ramblings help you though.

mmrsceptic · 25/09/2009 14:30

Yanbu, I think it's really unfair. Sterilisation for a woman involves a GA, doesn't it? It's so much more risky all round.

You're not being unreasonable and he should be a man and step up to the plate.

mmrsceptic · 25/09/2009 14:31

I am absolutely totally on your side on this one. The feelings of being dismissed and not listened to will completely affect your attitude towards sex.

Stigaloid · 25/09/2009 14:32

YANBU - he needs to be honest with you and tell you why he changed his mind. My husband has always offered to have a vasectomy too when the time comes - if he changes his mind i would want to know why.

From the sound of it though there seems to be other underlying issues. The not bothered comment seems a little odd.

Original poster

legsfirmlycrossed · 25/09/2009 14:37

I wish he would be honest and tell me why he doesn't want to do it. Instead, he seems to want to turn it around and accuse me of being blackmailing.

Stigaloid - you may have a point there. Our relationship has been under some strain recently and not as good as it has been. It's worrying if that is the real reason...

It does feel almost like he's having a sulk. Our sex life isn't what is was...

OP posts:

Wiggletastic · 25/09/2009 14:38

He is being selfish IMO. If he doesn't have a medical reason why he can't have it done and its just because he doesn't want his precious manhood fiddled with then he should get over it and get it done. You are right, it is a much simpler operation for a man. My DH was in and out in half an hour and had some pain for a couple of days - job done. My friend got sterilised and had three days in hospital, general anaesthetic and had to be off work for three weeks - much more complicated and much more dangerous.

Malificence · 25/09/2009 14:43

It's a bit odd that he's changed his mind and won't even have a rational discussion - why won't he say WHY he's changed his opinion?
My hubby's just recently had one as I want rid of my coil due to ridiculous periods, he was a bit narky/sensitive if I brought it up jokingly before he had it done but he's been fine with it apart from a lot of pain and swelling for 10 days or so, it took him a good six weeks to feel "right" though.

He's being unreasonable and selfish atm by refusing to even discuss things and his comment about you using it as an excuse to abstain from sex is ludicrous, you're not keen on sex because you're terrified of falling pregnant! The "not bothered" comment is also very childish and odd.
With a vasectomy you're far more likely to want sex because he's done something so special for you. That's how I feel - my husband had it done solely for me and I'm forever grateful to him.
He can't enjoy having to use condoms for the next however many years, surely?
I do think it's a big step if he's under 40 though.
I actually had a wobble on the eve of his snip, told him not to have it done etc. I'd read one too many horror stories on the net and I was terrified of the potential physical effects on him. Perhaps he's heard a bad story and it's put him right off?

mayorquimby · 25/09/2009 14:56

"If he doesn't have a medical reason why he can't have it done and its just because he doesn't want his precious manhood fiddled with then he should get over it and get it done"

utter bullshit. i agree that he should at least discuss it with his wife and let his reasons be known to her even if they are as simple as "i just can't bring myself to do it." but the idea that the only feasible reason to not have a voluntary operation would have to be medical rather than any personal reasons he may have is crap.

so yes he's being selfish to not discuss it and trying to turn it around as you being in the wrong, but no one should be forced to have a voluntary operation that they don't want to have.

Original poster

legsfirmlycrossed · 25/09/2009 15:02

Yes, I agree there are two seperate issues here. Firstly - the fact that he won't give me his reasons for changing his mind, and secondly - should he, in the name of sacrifice/fairness do it?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2009 15:03

YANBU. I do think the change of heart, refusal to discuss why and the "not bothered"/turning it back on you is worrying. If he's been put off the op by something, why not say what has put him off?

ib · 25/09/2009 15:04

It's a difficult one. I think getting sterilised, despite being an easier op, is a bigger decision for a man than a woman. The way I reason it is that, if dh were to die/we get divorced/whatever and I had a new partner, I would still given my age not want any more dc.

On the other hand, if I were to die and dh were to marry someone much younger, him being sterilised would potentially be a huge problem for him.

That's why if it came down to it I would choose to be sterilised myself rather than him, despite the higher risk.

mmrsceptic · 25/09/2009 15:35

If I were to die, I would hope and expect my dh to focus his energies on the three children he has who have lost a mother.

It does sound like there's more going on. No he shouldn't be forced into it, but there are plainly consequences for this selfish behaviour, and he should be bothered about them.

TheHeadbangingWombat · 25/09/2009 15:42

He certainly should talk to you about it but no he shouldn't 'be forced' into it.

expatinscotland · 25/09/2009 15:49

'If I were to die, I would hope and expect my dh to focus his energies on the three children he has who have lost a mother.'

exactly sceptic!

all this 'if the female dies and he gets a new partner'.

so a woman is supposed to have a pretty invasive surgical procedure under GA for the benefit of his next partner after she carks it?

diddl · 25/09/2009 15:50

He should be telling you why.

After a "certain age", some birth control can be risky for women and vasectomy/sterilisation is the only way.

Unless he´s happy to use condoms for many years.

I guess it then comes down to who is it simplest for.

clop · 25/09/2009 16:26

It is an easier op for men, but at the end of the day, OP, you feel more strongly about wanting it done. And it is straightforward for nearly all women: keyhole day surgery. Off hand, I think it's more reliable results for women, too. Before you get the op they counsel you about what's involved, risks, you could get on the list to get sterilised, then drag your other half along to hear the risks with you. He may change his mind, then -- and wait lists for vasectomy are usually much shorter than for female sterilisation.

expatinscotland · 25/09/2009 16:33

Failure rate for vasectomy is about 1%. It's around 2% for female sterilisation.

It's an op under GA and some people have a lot of pain from the gas used to inflate the female abdomen to perform the procedure.

Personally, my husband was up for the snip and then wasn't so keen.

SO, I told him I was going for the op.

In our location (rural) it was going to require an overnight stay.

And then from there, I told him I was getting a flight from Glasgow back to teh US, alone, to recover at my sister's house, so he'd need to get a fortnight off so he could cope with all three of them on his own.

That swung it for him!

He's planning to take about 3 days off work after his snip, but he works days anyhow and I'm on my own with the kids.

expatinscotland · 25/09/2009 16:35

Oh, and legs, if he's not bothered about sex, then I wouldn't have it with him. Seriously.

Taht way, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant.

WidowWadman · 25/09/2009 16:38

expat - Maybe she actually likes having sex? Just abstinence surely is not the solution to this problem

expatinscotland · 25/09/2009 16:40

Well then she's going to have the operation herself if she wants to have sex (with him).

You can't force a person to have a vasectomy and he won't hear of it.

Abstinence is a solution for some.

Original poster

legsfirmlycrossed · 25/09/2009 16:42

expat - I like your style.

No, abstinence should not be the answer. I am quite perturbed by this cold front I am being met with over this.

I think I'm going to have to broach it again, simply asking him if he can talk to me about why he's so against it ,as opposed to trying to talk him into doing it)

OP posts:

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