about dh having a vasectomy?

[legsfirmlycrossed]

I am a regular but have namechanged.

Dh and I have two dc and have both agreed that we do not want any more. Up until fairly recently dh had been the one to suggest that he has a vasectomy, and seemed genuinely up for it.

It has taken me a while longer to conclude that I really don't wanat any more children, but I am now in that place. The only thing is, now dh is refusing to consider a vasectomy!

I have thrombosis issues so am not keen on taking hormonal contraceptives. I had thought the mirena coil was the answer to my prayers until I had one fitted and had to have it surgically removed as it perforated my womb. So now we are left with barrier methods, which IMO carry too much risk (have conceived astonishingly easily/accidentally before).

I had a termination many years ago, and know that I haven't got the emotional strength to go through with the pain of that ever again .

Dh knows all of this and won't discuss with me or give me any reason for not considering a vasectomy. When I broach the subject he maked out that I am using it as an excuse to abstain from sex! To which his response is 'Not bothered'.

I am not trying to 'blackmail' him into doing it as he believes. I have tried (non-confrontationally) to discuss the issue, pointing out my fears over accidental pregnancy.

Aibu to expect some sacrifice considering I have gone through one very traumatic birth, another not so bad (but still bloody painful) birth, another op due to the coil and he knows what an unwanted pregnancy would do to me emotionally?

I know this comes across as just a rant but I am genuinely interested in people's opinions on this.

Hmm, it will be quite interesting to see what his reaction is to me suggesting I get sterelised.

I also dislike the "what if you were to die?" issue. I would hope that DH would have other things on his mind than running out and getting someone else pregnant. Plus, he doesn't want another child now, so I should just accept the fact that he does not want to extend our family but wants to keep the option open for an as yet undisclosed woman?

I think he is being unfair. Yes it's a permanent step - but you are far more likely to become accidentally pregnant than you are to all be wiped out in a freak accident. If we're balancing risks here there's no contest. My dh also said he'd have more things to worry about than having more kids in that situation. It's really hard to make a logical case in your circumstances for not him not having it therefore I think you're down to some emotional reason that may be quite messy to discover. You need to know though - for the health of your marriage.

I agree its a question of risks and you have to consider the life you are living at the moment, not the what ifs of a life he might not ever lead. I have never understood why women get sterilised when its its such an invasive procedure and the men's equivalent is not.

DH had one a couple of weeks ago and is completely revocered already with minimal discomfort after 3 days.

i think its the least a man can do after putting his wife through pregnancy and childbirth x amount of times.

YANBU - in fact IMO it is unfair the way he has placed the onus completely on you for contraception.

What I think is particularly unfair is that you have already thought of other forms of contraception and if you proceed with either of them you will be putting your own health at risk. It seems far less risk for him to have a vasectomy.

Minimum he owes you an explanation, maximum you should abstain from sex until he is willing to change his mind.

YABU if he does not want to have it done that is his choice, you can not force him and i dont think you should pressure him into it either. So what if it is an easier procedure for men than women it is still a big deal, not to be taken lightly. If he doesn't want it done then you just have to find another solution, he is not being unreasonable at all

Big risk is nicking the bladder during the keyhole, they can't see very well what they're doing, after all. That's a swine to treat or recover from.

After all his near hysterics DH was absolutely fine within hours after his snip. Bruised and tender to the touch, but truly fine -- back on his bicycle, etc.

'I thought there were risks of ectopic pregnancy after female sterilisation. Do I have that wrong'

Nope, you've got that right.

My mum's got a great friend who was sterilised.

She fell pregnant when she was in her mid-40s, but thought her missing period was the result of beginning the menopause because, well, she was sterilised.

She was giving a lecture when she became so overwhelmed by pain she collapsed from a ruptured ectopic pregnancy.

She had an emergency radical hysterectomy, then developed scepticemia and spent over a month in hospital, at one point in a drug-induced coma from which she was not expected to recover.

My dh was up for having the snip and then went and did it-no panic, no drama. In on late Tuesday afternoon, off Wednesday (only cos he couldn't have a shower and get stitches wet) and back in work Thursday.

He should grow a pair (for them to be then cut open!) and just get on with it!

Well, I guess I just love my dh more than some of you do yours - if I die I would like to think that he will find hapiness again - in whatever way he needs to.

And I love my half-siblings, so I would be quite happy for my dc to have some. And a step-mum as wonderful as my step-dad is.

It's the 180 degree about-turn that is the worry here though, coupled with the absolute refusal to discuss it rationally.
There has to be "something" behind his change of mind.

I'm glad to see some other posters who've voiced anger at the suggestion that he should remain intact "just in case" of some future scenario. A few weeks ago, I said that there was no way in hell I would want my husband having more children if I died and I was verbally slaughtered on here.
He should play fair and at least discuss his reasoning - making the situation about her "selfishness" is nasty and unreasonable.

It sounds like a vasectomy for him is the sensible and mature option, not to mention less problematic statistically, as it was in my hubby's case. He does indeed need to "man-up".

'Well, I guess I just love my dh more than some of you do yours - if I die I would like to think that he will find hapiness again - in whatever way he needs to.'

Perhaps it's that some of us don't live our lives based on potential plans for whom our spouses will be shagging after we die prematurely.

Or some of us are married to men aren't willing to let us risk our lives with another major surgerical procedure because he might want to shag someone else and have more kids to support in the event of our premature deaths.

Maybe it can then be said they love us more than your husband loves you then.

Thanks for all the comments. I honestly do not feel that it is the idea of never being able to have more dc (be it with another woman or me) that is putting him off. So it remains a mystery for now.

I shall tackle the issue again when the time is right. It's just good to know that general opinion says I am not BU.

Couldn't have said it better myself ex-p.

It's very odd to potentially base a decision on what "might" happen in the future. You'd never do anything.

Should I have had more than one child "just in case"?

What a marvellous post