to seriously worry about a friend of mine?

[NewbeeMummy]

I have a friend who is in the politest term clingy. I?ve always known she was a bit odd, but felt sorry for her as she doesn?t have many friends, and when she first started working at the company I am at, we were in a male dominated department, and she clashed with the few other females there.

To give you an example, I work away from the office on a frequent basis and will occasionally only be in the office 1 or 2 days a month, she'll book lunches in my diary for those days and get really stroppy if I suggest anyone else joins us.

Recently I had a lovely presentation from work as I'm off on my maternity leave in 2 days and she was out of the office when the card did the rounds her comment was "I can't believe they never got me to sign it, especially as I'm your only friend in the office" (she was really upset by this and sent me a 2 page email) Now I have lots of friends in the office and have always been generally well liked.

When I fell pg she had just split up with her bf of several years, as she didn't want children and he did, but once she found out I was pg, she started saying she wanted children and tried desperately tried to get back together with her bf, but he wasn?t interested.

Because I knew I wasn?t doing too well with my pg, she was the first I told, basically I didn?t want her to think me saying, ?I can?t do lunch as I?ve been throwing up all day? was a lame excuse, because otherwise she would then phone and rant at me for ages. Her first comment when she found out was ?well you could always have a termination.? She knows I?ve had two miscarriages so why on earth would she say something like that.

She has now been dating a number of people she has met on websites and is from what I?ve been told is ?putting out? on the first date and deliberately piercing the condoms so she may fall pg.

And she has, in quite a threatening manner, said to me you better let me know when you plan your second one so we can be pg at the same time.

Sorry this post is dragging so I?ll get to the point?.
In the last few weeks she?s made comments about stealing my baby when she?s born (due in 4 weeks) and made some comment about watching my back when about a month ago there was the news story about a pregnant woman who had been killed and her unborn baby cut out of her.

Should I be worried about these comments, am I over reacting to something that I should be seeing as a joke?

If I was in your position, I'm afraid that I would end this 'friendship' in no uncertain terms. She sounds slightly unhinged, and certainly not like someone you enjoy having around. Politeness only works with normal, socially adept people. I think you'll have to be extremely blunt, and firm.

I would think about how you can get out of this situation with her.

Out of interest, what is her background, ie family and other relationships, and how old is she?

What does your partner think?

If you are due on maternity leave, this could be a good time to be 'busy', and esp. when the baby comes, but I suggest you get your partner to help you by screening telephone or door calls.

If she does exhibit the behaviour you describe, I would seriously think how to get tout of this..but you need help, ie partner.

Sounds scary imho.

Agree wi Shiney it sounds initially like a wind-up, but I have known these type of situations happen..never to me, although I wouldn't mind being the object of adoration occasionally!

provincial - not sure if that was aimed at me or not...?

But I can assure you this is all real...

Anyway will just have to bite the bullet and try speaking to her about it, I think the police thing would probably be a last resort as I would hate to get them involved over something they would probably laugh at.

Bit of a strange question but do you think she might fancy your DP?

I just ask as that happened to me once. She turned up all the time, copied my clothes and hair, tried to be my bff etc.
Turned out she was actually obsessed with DH and was trying to emulate me
Not quite as intensely as your situation though.

Shiney- I escaped but it was damn hard. I had to beg and plead...oh you know how it is!!

NNOOOO!!

Thay found me, I am in a worse postion than before....

My partner thinks she's a nut, but he doesn't like the vast majority of people I work with (and for the main I agree, I work for a fairly large corp, he works in a local shop and the people there are much nicer)

The rest of her team (I left it about a year ago and moved to another team in the same company) all think she's very odd and make jokes that she's my stalker.

I'm typically a bit "soft" so I hate confrontations (although I have become a bit stroppier myself in the last few months) But I guess this is one thing I'm just going to have to deal with.

Thanks to those of you that have replied and offered advise.

Lavendar - I don't think she does, she's always commented that he's far too skinny for her (he's incredibly active, so on the slim side)

TBH I hadn't even considered that...

Telling my friend whether or not I found their Partner attractive or not isnt something I would ever do tbh. Its a kind of no go area really.
I might say they're really nice person, clever or amusing perhaps.

Others may say thats absolutely fine though.

Have a think on that one.

I would speak with HR, if for no other reason than to make sure this is recorded somewhere. As she is a colleague rather than just an acquaintance you have a bit of extra oomph should you wish to get someone else to speak to her - maybe your boss could have a word? I would also avoid her like the plague once you're on ML - does she know where you live?

Also the fact that she's even commenting on your partner's attractiveness is odd - perhaps she doth protest too much...??

Sorry if that sounded a bit alarmist but the best case scenario is that it's all just a joke - and even that would constitute bullying behaviour IMO. Get rid!

You make an interesting point lavender, it was just a comment she made out the blue (I would never dream of asking a friend if they fancied my OH)

Hmmmm.... worth a ponder

I would tell yoour boss that she has made threats against your baby and say you will go to the police if it isn't sorted out. You don't have too, just say you will.

Yikes! I'd be running for the hills tbh, she sounds unstable.

Thanks Fab - my boss is kind of weary of her as she's been really rude/off to him in the past when I've had to cancel a lunch because of my work schedule.

Anybody seen "Single White Female" ????

Sorry but why do you "put fake guests in my diary so she thinks i have people round"? Why can she see your diary?

It sounds like you're living your life in a very "public" sort of way if everyone can see whether or not you are having people round. I have a work calendar, which everyone in the office can see, but anything which is not for general sight can be marked as "private" so they will only see that the time is booked, not what I'm doing in every detail.

Your description of what you've put up with her so far is really quite odd - do you normally let people rant at you for ages if you don't meet them for lunch, or let them turn up unannounced at your house and sit there staring at you for hours on end?

If this isn't a wind-up (and I'm having my doubts...) then surely you have to see that you have enabled her behaviour up till now?

If you are for real, then you need to speak to her the next time she does anything you are uncomfortable about, and distance yourself from her. You also need to speak to HR at work, or to your manager, so that they know there is a serious situation brewing here.

But most of all you need to act like a grown-up person who is in charge of your own life, and not let people get to this stage of oddness without acting at a much earlier stage.

AMumInScotland Because we work together she can see my work diary on my computer, and because I do a lot of travelling if I had big family plans for a weekend I would put it in my diary, so that my boss didn't book me to drive to hours on a Sunday afternoon, so I can start work on site at 9am on a Monday, or if I happened to be visiting friends in Scotland, he would book me on a job up there instead of someone else as I would already be up North. My boss is pretty good at accepting that if we (his team) are flexible to travel up on Sundays or have late finishes on Friday's he'll try and ensure that when we go have personal commitments that work doesn't get in the way.

I appreciate what you?re saying and I do know it?s my fault that it?s gotten this far, at first I thought it was a bit funny (you know they say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery) and my OH and boss also thought it was a bit odd but nothing to worry about. Then when she split up with her BF, I felt sorry for her and as I?ve said I know she doesn?t have many friends, she had a bad run, her grandmother passed away, her parents had issues, and it happened to be around the May Day/Easter Bank holidays, and I know you get lonely when you?re just split up with someone. The ranting I just accepted as her needing to vent, I know I?ve had moments with my close friends where I?ve vented at them, or visa versa, just so you can get it out of your system. I put a lot of her behaviour down to her maybe not being that socially ?mature? for want of a better word. She has been known to over react at the smallest things in the office and has stormed out on more than one occasion, when her boss has told her off for something that she should have done but didn?t

I?m sorry that so many of think this is a joke, I?ll stick to posting my concerns about my pg symptoms, and chatting to those due the same time as me, in future.

I was hoping an anonymous forum would allow me to openly ask for help on this, but I guess this is not the case.

Don't be like that Newbee, if you were reading it about someone else you would think it was strange too. I believe you and can imagine that you are getting quite stressed about it, particularly being pg. I would make sure others know about what she has said and I do think its worth saying something to HR. I am sure that she is just a bit odd and not really a baby snatcher - some people just don't realise what is acceptable as a joke and what isn't. Do try and distance yourself politely and if she doesn't get the hint you will need to be firm.

make sure someone else is present when you talk to her - hope it goes well. it would freak me out completely