3 kids - School trips abroad

[TellAnyone]

Between us, me and DP have 3 children. I have 2 boys to previous relationship and he has one. They all live with us.

His DS is 13 and has been in secondary school for 2 years. In this time he has missed out on a trip abroad as DP couldn't afford to let him go. This was before I moved in.

My DS is 11 and has just started secondary school. His school has big links with over-seas schools so they put a lot of empthasis on trips abroad. I would like him to experience some of these. One he really wants to do is a film making project on Dracula, some of which will be filmed in Gothic locations in France.

In the past I have told DS that his dad's maintanance payments will go towards secondary school trips abroad.

The thing is, DP doesn't get any maintanance for his DS so still can't afford to let him go on trips abroad. DP thinks that my DS shouldn't be allowed to go on these trips either because it won't be fair.

I can see his point, it isn't fair on his DS but can I really let my DS suffer because DSS's mother doesn't pay any maintanance?

We can't afford the trips out of our own money, my children's maintanance is all we have for stuff like this and it isn't enough to cover all 3 of them.

I really don't want DS to miss out I feel deep down I am being unreasonable, we can't let one go and not another but I'm so pissed off that my DS has to suffer.

How unreasonable am I being?

You don't give enough detail in your OP about your finances for me to make a judgement call on this.

My feeling is that, in blended families, while it is right and proper to try to ensure that all children have similar opportunities in life, if some children have much, much more because their biological parents (the ones who are legally support them) have much more money than their stepsiblings' biological parents, so be it, and children with better off parents will get more opportunities in life.

TA, I know what you mean about DP being crap with money so is mine however I simply take charge of all the finances, it is easier. That way the bills etc are paid, I can work out what is left, save a bit and sort out savings for a family holiday, days out etc.

I don't think it is right to keep all finances with the dc seperate I mean you are all living under one roof as a family.

Could you imagine you had 2 children by 2 men and one of them paid maintenance one didn't so up comes a school trip...would you only let the child whose father paid maintenance go and say to the other your father doesn't pay so you can't? because to me its the same thing.

Its not dss's fault his mother doesn't pay or that his father is not so good with finances but he is the one punished.

TBH, this sounds less about your children and more about your DP being immature and a crap parent. Sorry!!!

If you don't trust this man enough (which you blatantly don't with money) then why are you living with him? Yes you have a 'get out clause' but you'll have uprooted your DC's and cause them upset if/when it goes wrong.

I've got a DSS and my money and DH's money both pays for DSS. We're married, we agreed to 'join' and make one family, so that's what we are. Our joint bank account pays for the house, general living expenses and DSS's clothes/presents/parties etc. I would hate to think DH was paying for DSS but I wasn't as I'm not 'real family'. On your reasoning, surely I've got to be careful that the child benefit (technically for DSS and thus DH) shouldn't be spent on food/heating etc that i might use?

Random well said and so much better than I put it lol.

See I know my dp is rubbish with money and so i make sure he has enough money to last the week for work and essentials he may need, no i don't treat him like a child i just know he is crap and so does he. and the rest of it i take care of shopping bills etc.

wow, i couldnt live as a family have keep finances apart like that! It is surely creating a big divide in your household. Id hate it if my DP did this to me. In fact, I wouldnt be with someone who hoarded money away from me

forgot to add "as a get-out clause"

ILSS, I couldn't either. I don't keep finances apart i just budget everything. I make sure at xmas and birthdays both dc get something and try to make sure the value is the same.....I do try my best with DSS but he has decided he wants nothing more to do with us because I have ds2...another thread all together lol. But I could not hoard money from dp, I may keep the odd £20 for emergencies...but then so does he now...it is always useful!

My get out clause...i don't have one. I am not looking for a way out which it seems the op is doing, like she is waiting for it to go tits up....

I can't take over finances as he insists on having at least half of the control, as do I. We arranged to split the income completely down the middle and then split the outgoings too.

This means all 3 kids are paid for in joint money, I don't pay for one and not another, the kids are classes as an "expense" which we both have to pay towards IYSWIM?

For instance the clothing allowance, we both put £20 a week into that and whenever any of the kids need anything, it comes out of that. Same with the Christmas/Birthdays fund.

I do insist on having my own money though, I wouldn't risk the kid's future for anything or anyone. He knew this when I moved in. I just wish he'd prioritise DSS in the same way.

Until I moved in, DSS was going to school in smelly, unironed clothes, eating like a pig (he's lost half a stone since I moved in) and he never got to go out anywhere. All that has changed now because I inisist on the kids coming first, all of them.

I'm not saying I'm his 'saviour', just that I do try my best for all 3 kids, not just my own. But if the worst was the happen and DP messed up too much, I wouldn't think twice of moving myself and my children out of it. So I do insist on my own money.
That might be hard for some people to understand but I'm afraid once bitten, twice shy and all that.

I just don't know what to do about this maintanance lark. He won't even chase his ex up about it which annoys me. I offered to put half of every months maintanance on a family holiday, the other half goes into their savings accounts so its not as if I'm buying them treats and clothes etc out of it every month. I don't think DSS even knows it exists.

I have no advice then, as the concept is too alien for me to see clearly

But, shouldnt you be putting twice as much money into the "child fund" seeing as you have 2 kids, to his one?

Does your DPs wages pay for your sons? If they do, then your maitenance should also be going fully into the budget. Or maybe you should only pay for you & your boys out of you wages & maintanence, and let your DP pay for himself & his son out of his own money.

As ILSS said you should actually be putting £40 a week into the clothing fund after all you have 2 children, same as with christmas/birthday fund you should be putting more in than your dp, why should his contribution go towards your dc when you are only funding for one in these said savings?

It does come across as you are preparing for it to all go wrong...this doesn't make sense. If you are happy together then why would you be doing that?

You say DSS doesn't know the maintanance exists, well I would hazard a guess that he does, unless you have told your ds's not to mention it to him??? I just don't get the "this is my childrens money" attitude sorry but i don't. DS1's father pays maintanance for him and I don't say right this is his money and his alone, I use it for whatever is needed at the time whether it be towards shopping, uniform, days out etc. Afterall I don't wait for it to come through to buy the things ds1 needs they are bought with dp's and my money from our joint account.

YANBU - it sounds to me like your dp is just being awkward. He originally objected because your ds wanted to go on a trip and his couldn't. You offered for his ds to go on a trip too and he's still objecting!

He just doesn't want any of them to go. Send your ds and then make sure his ds gets the opportunity and think no more of it.

I agree with scaryteacher and bonsoiranna. Your kids aren't equal - they have different dads. One of them has a dad who can't afford school trips. One of them has a dad who can.

Why should the one whose dad can afford the trip have do do without because his mum's new partner can't afford it for his own kid.

This issue isn't going to go away - what about when your exDH starts offering to pay for uni, sports, private tuition etc (as examples), your DSS won't get these either will he.

Sorry, but my brother has an ex he pays maintanance to, and seeing it the other way round I'd be horrified if my nephew couldn't have something that his dad wanted to pay for becuase his mums new partner couldn't afford the same for his kids.

It completely sucks for the step son, there's no way around that. But if a kids' parents can afford something then that kid should have those things imo. Maybe the best thing to look at is how your new DP can change this situation by finding ways and means of making/ finding the finance for his own kid.

If I was paying maintanance for a child and it happened to be enough for a school trip, I would expect it to be used for that.

It is for the child-not a holiday with new bloke and his son.

I suggest you take over finances or leave partner!

I'm a grown-up and I still sometimes feel aggrieved when my far younger half-sibling gets things I didn't at her age. This is ludicrous, I know! I would tread very carefully though emotions can run high in blended families.

The only way forward I could see is if there a way your ex could be seen to pay for the trips explicitly. He doesn't have a duty of fairness to your DSS. You do, I think, being in the same household.

Toffee, much younger siblings often get more anyway, whether full, half or step.

My sister benefited sooo much from my parent's increased income over the years in ways that drove me mad. Not only that but my hardline socialist, hippy parents began to chill out about materialism and suddenly it was ok for my sister to have girly things etc that I had been denied!!!!

But I'm not bitter

I just spend all my money on lipstick now. Well it's cheaper than therapy.

That's not fair, secondcoming. She said that partner was to blame for DSS not eating right and washing.

I think she sounds like she doesn't really like her DP!

MorrisZapp, I know that as I also have two younger siblings - so I should have learnt way before the half-sibling was on the scene! That's why it's ludicrous of me really!!

Just wanted to point out that the emotions around these issues can be complex and not very sensible or logical.

I don't know much about maintenance - but I guess it comes down to whether you see it as money held in trust for your children (i.e. presumably if your ex had died leaving money in trust to you to be used for your children, you would then be in breach of trust by using it for anything else, e.g. your DSS) or whether it is your "income" to do what you want with, in which case you would be unreasonable to use it on your dc and not your dss.

I think you and DP need to be clear what the maintenance money is for - then all the decisions about what to do with it will flow logically from there.

It isn't up to DP to be clear what the maintenance is for though is it - it is up to XDH who pays the money for his child's own and specific benefit.

Secondcoming, that's not the same. Your DP now has two kids - there's no dilemma or split interest there at all. He agreed to the terms and that's up to him. But this is about the money paid by an ex for one child's maintenance.

Can't you agree to match the money the children get from working part time? That way both boys will benefit. If dss 'can't be bothered' to get a job then that is down to him.

I agree that educational trips are of tremendous value. I never did any because my parents couldn't afford it but I will make sure ds does even if it means curtailing a family holiday.

I also think that maintenance paid is for the children of the ex who pays, it isn't your income for you to spend as you like (at least that is how I view the £50/mth that my ex pays).

I agree that it's unfair, which is why in this case, the OP's DP needs to take steps to see that his own son doesn't lose out.

But it isn't the problem or fault of the son whose father can and does pay, or that father.

Surely kids with separated parents know that in addition to the family they live with, they have dads and their dad's family too? Those dads might have differing lifestyles, meaning that one kid gets something that the other doesn't. Not just in money terms - maybe one kid gets to play the playstation all weekend at his dads, but the other kid doesn't as his dad has different rules etc.

It's not just 'ok this is your family, in these four walls', there's a dad too. I mean that in general terms, not about you of course.

OP - my solution to the problem of school trips and maintenance would be this, but you would have to plan ahead - start saving all the child benefit the children get and put it in a pot for school trips for all three of the children. The maintenance money would be divided in three parts, a third each to be saved for your two children, and the remaining third to be put into the pot for a family holiday.

You and DP would have to dig deeper in your pockets because you would nolonger have the CHB to spend on everyday items. Your DP should be able to afford this even on a low income.

BUT, the maintenance is being shared, DP will get the family holiday he desires (when there are enough funds), the children will go on school trips (when the funds allow), and your children will still be the main beneficaries of the maintenance(to be used as they wish).

Just thought this might be a practical solution, if that is what you were after!