to expect my mum to cover it up?

[sunshiney]

...her swimming pool that is!

my mum lives in South Africa, we (dh, dd (2) and I) are going to visit her at xmas for a few weeks.
she's lucky enough to have a pool in her garden. when i was booking the holiday, months ago, i asked her if she would be able to put a safety net over her pool. she said she would.

we had a phone call this evening in which she mentioned her pool so i asked if the safety net had been arranged. she now says that a net won't be needed, as she's decided that her garden layout with regard to locked gates is adequate to keep my toddler safe. This is briefly that the back garden, where the pool is, is sectioned off with a gate.

My argument is that members of the household will be using the gate to access the garden, what if they don't close it behind them and my dd slips in unnoticed.
I always know where my dd is, but say for eg one of those situations arose where everyone thinks someone else is watching the child, and then tragically at that time the gate is accidentally left open.

A pool cover costs about £350 to install, and it has to be fixed into the bricks surrounding the pool.
My mum and her husband are very proud of their garden, i'm sure they don't want to spoil the look of their pool for the sake of a christmas visit, i can understand that.

But on the very small chance that my child should come across the pool while she's unattended, a net would save her life.

AIBU therefore to want my mum to take this safety precaution?

i suppose also there is the element of this - i said to my mother before i spent £2 500 on flights there 'would you be able to put a cover on your pool?' She said yes.

Now closer to the time she has said she won't cover it.

I am not saying that if she had said 'no i'm not covering it' i wouldn't have planned to go there at christmas. i probably still would, but I guess i feel a bit tricked really.

sorry i hope this doesn't count as AIBU by stealth, as we are only 20 or so posts in.

YAB a bit U. You can never relax when you have a 2 year old, so I don't reckon a net would make any difference.

Put a sign of the gate, asking people to close it.would it be possible to get an automtic closing hinge fitted?

People go in an out of gates which lead to roads all the time, and remember to close them to stop toddlers running out. Surely this is the same.

I dont think you are being unreasonable - I remember feeling similarly (albeit on a much smaller scale) because my mother refused to move her sharp cooking knives out of a low kitchen drawer. of course, she didnt have to - but if she had, it would have made my life easier: i wouldnt have had to watch my dd quite so hawkishly, and would have been able to relax like i could at home. because she didnt (this, and other equivalents), being at her house was hard work and stressful and it was easier to stay at home. which was crazy because i know she was desperate for us to spend lots of time there. I have always thought they if/when my dd has children, i will remember that feeling, and just make the extra effort to accomodate her needs. and, of course, one time she was looking after her and, predictably, had refused to put her razor away and dd cut her finger quite badly.

anyway - my point is, its not unreasonable to hope your family would go out of their way to make your life easier. and, a pool cover with a young child around seems very sensible. but - if your mum isnt going to cough up voluntarily, i think you havent got much choice. unless you pay yourself.

you cant negotiate parenthood driven by what ifs and over cautious

what if....
she falls in pool
she ingest chemicals from under sink
she trips and sustains head injury
she is kidnapped by wee silver men

if you live on what ifs you will go loopy
be sensible
enjoy your break

You can get alarms that activate if someone falls into the pool other thn at the time it is being used.

Ah, six weeks is a long time to be anxious. I can see why you are a bit worried. How do pool alarms work?

well scottishmummy, she might survive the chemicals or the head injury. falling in the pool she won't.

wee silver men...well who knows!

YANBU at all providing you are paying for the safety net and are happy to buy your mum a big bunch of flowers for making all the arrangements.

perhaps she agreed to it in principle, looked into it and then discovered that it was going to cost a hell of a lot of money.

£350 is about 4,000 rand.

To put that in perspective 1 litre of milk is about 10 rand. A teacher with a degree will probably earn roughly 10,000 rand a month.

look you cant parent on what ifs.maybe don't see danger/risk everywhere

dont let thought of what if preoccupy what could be a lovely trip

she might well not survive the chemicals or the head injury.

To be honest with ou - if you insist on having something to worry about with regards to your DD's safet while in SA - I would be worry more about RTA's than the swimming pool.

The risks to her (and you) with RTA's are much higher than the risk of her falling in the pool, swallowing chemicals, or tripping and having a head injury IMO.

im flippantly saying if you preoccupy with what if the permutation are endless. anything could happen, but it probably wont

alwayslooking - yes, it could be money, but she has not said that. she never mentioned costs.

on the other hand she tells me frequently how proud they are of their home and garden. she has not actually said that she doesn't want to ruin their pool with a net but that doesn't surprise me much as that would be a terrible thing to say when i am worrying about my child being safe.

I think what she's like to say to me is that she doesn't want to ruin her nice pool for the sake of my paranoia!

yes, i can freely admit i'm being paranoid, and because i know i'm paranoid it doesn't bother me to watch my child like a hawk (without frightening the poor child!).

but six weeks of never being able to let my guard down!

sunshiney are you usually so het up about safety or is it this specific trip and pool

I don't have a pool, but have a 2 year old - and I can never let my guard down either - except when he's asleep.

I assume people will be using the pool. Surely if it's being used, there is a chance people could forget to put the net back. My concern about a net is that it could actually be more dangerous - could lull you into a false sense of security. It's not such a big deal to check that the gate is shut is it?

I'd stick with the gate and just make sure that there is one person who is always in charge of looking after the children - accidents happen when people assume someone else is taking responsibility.

I don't think you are being paranoid at all. Uncovered pools are a safety risk and having to protect your dd for six weeks will be VERY wearing, I should imagine.

It's all very well people being flippant, but drowning is not something to joke about.

Like the idea of the alarms someone mentioned.

as parent you negotiate between legitimate concern and being careful.however it isnt sensible to be "paranoid"-that isn't a good state of mind

there is inherent danger and risk everywhere for chidren.dont mean to be gloomy but well any step is a trip risk
cords as ligatures
hot liquids can scald
yes pool is a danger,however if monitored it need not be a source of paranoia

i dont know your normal state or if you are naturally anxious.i am commenting on the impact and strain such worry will have upon you

I think the alarm is probably the best option. To make you feel safer.

A cover wouldn't be safe anyway, it would just make it appear safer and possibly give the impression that it could be walked on, a locked gate and fence is far safer.

I don't think YABU but there was a toddler on the news last wek died from drowning on a cover, so I think the alarm would be safer.

MIL had a pond and a door she'd refuse to shut- used to scare me rigid. We don't go there any more.

I think YABU.

Ask people (politely) to make sure they shut the gate.

When people are in the pool your daughter will most likely want to be in so needs some form of "flotation".

Net or not, your daughter needs to know she is not allowed in/near the pool by herself.

I think YABU. There will be heaps of other risks around just as there are everywhere.

How are you going to ensure she can't get to the road?

How are you going to ensure she doesn't slip and fall down the stairs?

You will be looking after her, that is how. Sorry, but you can't let down your guard as a mother and that's how it has to be.

I agree that with lots of adults there is always a risk of 'I thought someone else was looking after her' but that has nothing to do with the pool, and everything to do with you ensuring that doesn't happen. You ought, anyway, to make sure that you name an adult to mind her while you go to the loo/go out/whatever and make sure they know that she is their responsbility.

I don´t agree with there being a risk of "I thought someone else was looking after her".

Unless you specifically ask, it´s between you & hubby, and it´s surely not that hard to communicate between the two of you?

TBH, I´d be delighted to be going somewhere for a few weeks with free use of a pool that was safely fenced off from the rest of the garden.

That's what I mean, diddl - it's only a risk if you, as the mother, assume someone else is looking after her. Ultimately she is the mum's (or dad's in our case, but clearly not in other's!) responsibility.