Name being shortened, upset DD

[Kathrina]

My 12 yr old DD went to visit her 18mth old cousin the other day. While she was there my DD shortened her cousins name and was told off by her Auntie my SIL. My DD came home very upset and i asked her what had happened she told me. I know some people do not like their childrens names to be shortened but to upset a 12 yr old is not on. I have told her not to go for a while. My hubby said not to take any notice but my DD is upset as she loves her cousins. What can i do and am i being unreasonable in keeping her away for a while thanks.

Twelve year olds (especially girls) have a very finely tuned sense of justice and fairness.

In her eyes, she was only doing a nice thing in playing with her cousin and talking to her affectionately and then she gets snapped at for her efforts. She'll be doubly chagrined by what she perceives as the double standard of her uncle being allowed to shorten the name when she is not.

Sometimes adults do speak more sharply to children than they would to other adults in the same situation, and I think that children become very sensitive to this.

The thing is, it's not an equal relationship. If your sister in law had snapped, "It's Isobel, not Izzy!" at you, you would probably have said gently, "Ok, sorry. No need to snap!"

But your daughter does not have the status to do this. Responding in any way other than a very contrite "sorry" would be seen as cheeky and rude.

I suspect your daughter knows this. It's one of the great injustices of the world (when you're twelve) that adults are not always perfect and sometimes say or do the wrong things, but you are not allowed to question them or argue with them about it.

So...yes, your daughter is probably being a bit of a drama queen. Who wasn't at that age? Her upset is disproportionate to the incident. But it doesn't mean that your sister in law didn't snap at her, or that she did so unfairly.

I would say that a gentle, "Aunty X shouldn't have snapped at you love. I know you were only trying to be nice. She's probably really tired because looking after a baby is hard sometimes, so don't take it to heart. Just remember to call the baby Isobel in future!" is the best approach. It means that her upset is acknowledged without allowing the situation to be blown out of all proportion.

Your daughter sounds as though she overreacted. Does no-one normally tell her off? My parents corrected anyone who shortened our names saying "if I'd wanted her called x I'd have christened her x" a bit daft really as my dad goes by a nickname and nick names as names are pretty chavvy.
It's nothing to get upset about though, at least now she knows what to call her cousin.

Am I alone in not having a problem with name shortening? I specifically picked a name for DS that had several short versions so that he could pick what HE wanted to be known as later. I always call him by his full name but most of his friends call him by one of the short versions and I have no problem with this.

Actually, I've just re-read the thread again. I think the poor girl is unfairly getting a really hard time here with lots of "has she never been told off before" comments.

Well what on earth haas she done wrong that merits a telling off?

If someone said sternly to me, "Her name is Isobel, not Izzy", I'd be a bit .

And also a bit pissed off. It's not like I tried to poison your child ffs, I was just interacting with her.

If I accidentally got her name wrong, just a gentle, "Sorry, do you mind not calling her that. I's just that Izzy seems like a totally different name than Isobel to me and therefore not her name, if you see what I mean" would be fine.

If the mother is really bothered by it, that's absolutely fine. She should say something. But say it nicely, acknowledging that it might come across as a bit precious.

I say this as someone who has a child who I always call by his full name. The shortened version - which many people do use to him - always sounds odd to my ears. It's a nice enough name, it's just not his name. I would never ever dream of pulling people up on it in an arsey way. It's a perfectly logical abbreviation, so I can hardly blame them for doing it.

Ok, the girl might be being a bit sensitive, being twelve, but she's not a moron I presume. Twelve year olds know the difference between being told off sternly and being asked nicely to refrain from something.

YABU I think - BIG over reaction, which is forgivable for a 12 yo, but you should be giving her a sense of perspective, not pandering to it by stopping visits!

She was asked not to shorten the name, I doubt she'll do it again, end of imo.

There are all sorts of problems in the world and children have to deal with all sorts of hardships - being asked not to do something in a voice perceived as "stern" is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Be mildly irritated by all means, then let it go and move on!

SG

It's not inevitable that a name will be shortened - dh has a really long name, with a very common short version and is never called it.

both my ds have long names with obvious short versions - one likes the short version, one doesn't. I did find it a bit odd though the other day when a party invitation came back for 7yo ds with the short name on it. I wasn't sure if it was for him as he's only ever called the long name and there is another boy in his class with the short one. (crikey, should have just said 'Ben' there, would have been easier). I had to phone the mum up to find out if my ds was invited to the party or not - we were both rather embarrassed, but, hey, no harm done.

I think your SIL needs to learn that there are ways of saying things. There's no need to upset a 12 yr old over something so innocent as that, IMHO. I think she is fighting a losing battle if she thinks no-one is ever going to shorten it, but she could have said it to your DD in such a way so as not to upset her, FGS! Little things can really knock a child's confidence.

Agree with notanumber

Girls of this age are v sensitive, and often v eager to please. She was trying to be nice and rather than anyone being pleased she got told off. Poor thing.

When ds was small we met a boy called Samuel at a baby class. His mother made it clear that he was never to be called Sam or even Samuel (in the normal pronounciation of Sam -mule). Instead his name was Sam-you-ell! Another friend called her ds Samuel (pronounced in the usual way) and refused to allow it to be shortened. I had visions of both of them standing in the playground shouting at other children who dared to call their dcs Sam!