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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be so peeved that we spend approx £1400 a month on childcare

675 replies

couture1 · 17/09/2009 16:44

I know I have to pay for the service but it leaves me with little left over each month and we need to salaries to get by. I dont want to give up work as 1 cant afford to and 2 Im hoping that when 3dc are at school in 3 years time we will be better off each month - but how do we manage until then?

Rant rant rant

OP posts:
moomaa · 17/09/2009 21:44

In our family we had a frank discussion about who would SAH and gender didn't come into it. My DH would have SAH if I strongly wanted to go back to work but I didn't want to work outside the home as much as him. He had a short spell as a SAHD while I worked.

I know other families who genuinely make no assumptions based on gender, a few admittedly but they do exist. So maybe things are changing.

duelingfanjo · 17/09/2009 21:48

I support people's right to make choices they feel are right for them, so if some women really do feel that it is best for them to stop working out of the home then fair enough, but it's ridiculous to suggest that it's the only way to do things or that it is damaging for children, particularly when they fail to apply that logic to fathers as well as mothers... IMO.

bibbitybobbityhat · 17/09/2009 21:58

I think wohms are great. We couldn't function without them. Had I enjoyed my job more I would probably have gone back to work after having children, certainly after the first one, anyway.

Its just the whining about the cost of childcare that gets on my tits.

duelingfanjo · 17/09/2009 22:01

why does the whining/complaining get on your tits? For those people on an low income it is very unfair. Am sure it's fine for people earning shitloads but there are many people who do important and fulfilling jobs for a shit wage and so the cost of childcare is high.

jellybeans · 17/09/2009 22:04

I have been a f/t WOHM and now a SAHM. I did what felt right at the time.

I think YAB abit U as childcare is already quite cheap in terms of the wages childcare workers recieve. While caring for kids is undervalued it will always be low paid.

I can see the issue with cost and partly why I stay home is we save money me doing the childcare and DH working.

I know several childminders and many of them do the job so they can stay home with their own kids and I have heard negative stuff from them about those who leave them for long days etc. Still, as long as the child is happy do their personal views matter?

scottishmummy · 17/09/2009 22:04

bbh,does "whining" about mortgage/rent,tax,NI get on your tits or just those pesky working parents having the temerity to complain at the exorbitant cost of childcare

bastards,how very dar they

TracyK · 17/09/2009 22:05

I send my ds to childcare because he enjoys it and asks to go. SO I see it as - I get childcare for free cos my wages cover it iykwim.

I'll only send him if I can get chargeable hours to do when he's there.

But I am of the opinion that you shouldn't moan about the state of things - do something about it - don't moan!

AnnieLobeseder · 17/09/2009 22:07

When the cost of childcare is so high that it actually prevents a women on a low-to-medium salary from working, I hardly think that discussing the unfairness of the issue is 'whining'.

Northernlurker · 17/09/2009 22:07

I don't moan about the cost of my childcare. I do wince a bit and try not to add it up too much but I don't exactly moan as such.

Silver1 · 17/09/2009 22:07

What I said Northernlurker was that I couldn't do both work well and be a good mummy. I worked with a few mothers who were often letting down colleagues because of child's illness plays what ever they were resented for it. I didn't want to be thought of that way, but I understood why when push came to shove they chose their child over their boss. I did want to be around for my child. That's me, and yes I am a better mother for it. I think a child needs to be nurtured and a nursery doesn't have sufficient staff to do that- I worked in one whilst at University.
You made your choice and how good a mother you are for it I don't know, I don't know you.

Because a woman does not work it does not mean she cannot have a say in the debate. I made an intelligent and well thought out choice.
Working women seem to begrudge sah parents who use their choice to stay at home.

scottishmummy · 17/09/2009 22:10

ease up on the assumptions sister.no one begrudges you anything

nellie12 · 17/09/2009 22:12

Oh the sahm v wohm debate again!

What bit do some people not get that for a lot of parents there is no choice because the pittance that is left over after paying or childcare actually goes on essentials like food and household bills. Not on holidays and clothes.

It goes on essentials because the fucked up housing policy of this country dictates the need to have two incomes coming in to pay the bills.

I do not begrudge anyone the right to stay at home to bring their dc up. nor pas judgement on mums who work full time - the nes I know in rl jump through hoops to make it work for everyone .

I object to the idea that this is a choice open to everyone.

Op yanbu if the government wants us all in productive employment and to actually narrow the gender pay gap childcare should be subsidised.

madeupsurname · 17/09/2009 22:13

applauds Northernlurker's post of 21:01:44

francagoestohollywood · 17/09/2009 22:14

Childcare workers should have higher wages. Childcare rates should be lower for parents. This can be done only by having the state subsidizing childcare, and raising the standards.
So that most people can afford to continue to work if they wish so. It is not forcing people to work if they don't want to, it is to help who wish to do so.

Not to mention the fact that even SAHP might need childcare too, at times...

Northernlurker · 17/09/2009 22:15

Silver - wohms don't begrudge you the choice. We've all got choices , we just choose different things and we value those choices not pine after somebody elses. I do get fairly narked with people telling us they feel they have to stay at home so their child can be 'nurtured' because the implication clearly is that you feel a working parent fails to provide that. Which makes me want to say something rather rude.

Regarding letting people down well bad planners do let people down. I work with a lot of mothers (NHS) and nobody lets anybody down - including our kids for whose illnesses and dramas of all sorts we do actually make time for.

AnnieLobeseder · 17/09/2009 22:15

Tracy - the problem is though that the solutions often seem to involve making unreasonable career or financial sacrifices. See sweetkitty's post at 21:24:48.

I go back to work on Monday in a new job, since my old job's salary meant I would have paid for the privilege of working, whereas I'm absolutely thrilled that I might have a couple of hundred quid in my pocket at the end of the month now. Isn't it a bit wrong that on an average salary I should be excited to earn a couple of hundred pounds a month in a full-time, highly specialised job?

There are those on this thread saying that childminders and nuseries need to earn a living too, which is true, but if the nursery ends up with £1000 of my money, and I get £200, how is that fair or right? Shouldn't the spread be more even? I could live with half my salary going on childcare, but not pretty much all of it!

TheOldestCat · 17/09/2009 22:15

"Working women seem to begrudge sah parents who use their choice to stay at home."

What crap - maybe some do, but please don't make such crass generalisations. This working woman is as jealous as hell of sah parents; I don't begrudge them a thing.

We're all treading our paths - some of us have more choices than others, some of us make choices others wouldn't. I also made an intelligent choice - something that got us from a tiny one-bed flat in a scummy part of London to a house in a lovely place miles away. Nothing fancy, but DD doesn't have to sleep in the front room anymore - thanks to my job.

Oh and my child is nurtured brilliantly thank you - a combination of an ace childminder, a lovely nursery and two working parents. I've never let my colleagues down - I work harder than most non-parents.

I also wince inwardly at childcare costs each month as they eat up most of my salary (am no saint). But I don't begrudge - ha - a penny because the people helping me bring up my daughter are wonderful and a lovely part of her life.

scottishmummy · 17/09/2009 22:15

MN has 2 perennial debates.always acrimonious always humphy faces
1 Sahm/working mum
2 breast feeding/formula feeding

they are the life blood coursing through mn, as they sustain its posts and have numerous permutations

oh and maybe the i dont read dm debate

TheOldestCat · 17/09/2009 22:16

Most non-parents in my department at work, that is! Me and my crass generalisations...

ClaraDeLaNoche · 17/09/2009 22:17

The price of childcare is a bloody disgrace. And even if I was only working to pay the nursery fees, I would still work. I didn't go to uni and work hard on my career to throw it all away. If I gave up work for, say, 5 years, I would lose my skills and find it difficult to get another part time job.

jellybeans · 17/09/2009 22:18

I have definately felt more judged as a SAHM. Nearly always off family members who are f/t working mums who make comments such as 'doing nothing' etc. Well I always think to myself why do they pay their childminders then if caring for kids is 'doing nothing'! Is it only work/worthwhile if paid? Because I am happy with my choice and chose to stay home it doesn't really bother me that much luckily though I bet if I said something back to them they would be up in arms!

I am cynical of our society anyway and of materialism. I think alot of the time people build up a two income lifestyle and then can't afford to loose one income. They could probably affford or one to stay home but would have to make big cutbacks. I think it is up to the individual as to whether they want to or not. I don't think though that having more money is going to make everyone happier nor do I see that being an employee can make you a happier or more fullfiled person in every case.

I also don't think all men and women want the same things. Sure men can be great SAHDs but there is also nothing wrong with men and women who are happier with more 'traditional' roles.

TheOldestCat · 17/09/2009 22:18

Very true, scottishmummy...

duelingfanjo · 17/09/2009 22:20

From what I have seen of these debates on MN it's rare for working mums to have a go at those who choose to stay at home; it seems to be the other way round most of the time.

scottishmummy · 17/09/2009 22:21

well yes,when else do they get to polish the real mum halo

MarthaFarquhar · 17/09/2009 22:21

Grr - I hate the idea that I am working to pay for Jimmy Choos and foreign holidays.

We need the couple of hundred quid per month I take home after childcare for luxuries like having the heating on, and replacing the broken washing machine. If you don't need that money, good for you, but don't assume we're all in the same boat.