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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be irritated by my friend saying that she doesn't want to breastfeed because it's "earth mother-ish"

64 replies

hunterhuntsworth · 15/09/2009 13:26

I do know that iabu as she has a 2yo ds & newborn dd & is struggling to see how she can fit b-feeding around her ds's routine but i just prickle when says she doesn't want to because she's not an earth mother and doesn't want to be getting her boob out the whole time. Obviously when she asks my opinion i just say you have to do what you're comfortable with but I still get really irrationally annoyed!!

OP posts:

BunnyLebowski · 15/09/2009 16:44

Orm and pooexplosions - I've heard both of those in real life. Appalling.

And yes MoChan - I'm also curious as to why is it offensive to you?

I don't mind it at all as I'm totally comfortable in my parenting choices (extended breastfeeding etc) and have always seen myself as a bit of a hippy anyway .

Northernlurker · 15/09/2009 16:47

In this context earth mother is not meant as a positive term. I think your friend means she sees bfeeding as her giving up part of herself to her children and she doesn't want to do that so she dismisses it as a freak activity and thereby makes herself ok in her own eyes. Getting your boob out is a vital part of breastfeeding tis true but it's not obilgatory that you wear handwoven garments, shoes made from root vegetables and use a lot of henna.

YANBU

2shoescarriedapumpkin · 15/09/2009 16:55

yabu, it is not for everyone, and that her way of saying it isn't for her.

Original poster

hunterhuntsworth · 15/09/2009 16:55

That is exactly it, she means it in a derogatory way. Of course i totally understand it's her way of justifying not breast feeding I just find it hard to agree and say 'oh yes you don't want to be seen as a hemp wearing hippy & it's terrible having to wear a maternity bra & be a bit careful about what you eat and drink and not have your body to yourself again' when it's only for a relatively short time. i have tentatively suggested mixed feeding but she just doesn't want to do it which of course is ABSOLUTELY fine and not at all any of my business but for some reason it just really gets my back up when she uses the phrase 'earth mother' in such a negative way - esp as she knows I bf for 6 months.

OP posts:

minxofmancunia · 15/09/2009 16:58

Agree completely with avrilH, fabulosa if it works out easier for you to bf I found it exhausting restrictive and relentless being on 24 hr call out 7 days a week with no bloody respite.

And fwiw friends of mine with toddlers and newborns have actually admitted how hard it is to bf with a toddler around. Am 4 days over my due date with dc2 and have a 3 year old so this is an issue for me currently.

bf is great, yanbu about the earth mother comment btw, but for some it's really stressful and difficult despite "the right support" the catch all phrase that gets bandied about on here all the time.

Northernlurker · 15/09/2009 16:59

But 2shoes - the way people describe things DOES matter even if their motives are benign. I work full time, many of my friends don't - if they said to me that was because they didn't want to raise abandoned tearways - well they mighht not mean me to take that as a reflection on my choice but I wouldn't be able to help it and I would be very, very offended!

OrmIrian · 15/09/2009 17:02

Don't give a toss if she found it hard, no excuse to be so disparaging and rude about those who do choose to

Northernlurker · 15/09/2009 17:04

Minx 'I found it exhausting restrictive and relentless being on 24 hr call out 7 days a week with no bloody respite.' - that's parenting not just breastfeeding. Breastfeeding gets a lot of bad press for being more exhausting but I don't think it's that at all. The issue is in adjusting to motherhood -be it for the first or subsequent times. Lots of my friends talk about this sort of thing and associate bottle feeding with things getting easier. I think they're wrong in their memory of that. Things do get easier as a baby grows and a mother adjusts. It's just how it is. Breastfeeding is unfairly made the villain.

OrmIrian · 15/09/2009 17:05

Agree with NL - see even if you choose not to bf you are still on call 24 hrs a day at first. And you still need to pick up and cuddle the newborn whether you get your norks out or not.

BitOfFun · 15/09/2009 17:08

I'm also picking up here that there is something wrong with "wanting your body back"- what is that exactly about? Is it seen as selfish to feel like that? Sound quite understandable to me.

minxofmancunia · 15/09/2009 17:13

northernlurker I respect your opinion and of course your experiences but I'm afraid I don't agree. When you've got a starving screaming baby who's refusing a bottle or anything but you and because of your low supply you can't give them what they need it's horrendous, and all the advice and research in the world didn't up my supply and make dd happy for more than an hour max.

Once she finally took a bottle I was no longer on 24 hour call out because feeding could be shared. I appreciate this is because me and dh could share things and is not the same if you're a single parent.

NOTHING in my 3 years of parenting my dd who's now 3 even comes close to the absolute grind of bf, and she's one challenging strong willed little minx, exceptionally so (not just my opinion). If all of parenting had been like bf there's no way I'd be ready to drop another any day soon! So for me bf was "the villain" if you like but I appreciate that's not everyones reality.

AvrilH · 15/09/2009 17:13

The anecdata is overwhelming: FF babies usually sleep much better.

And that's before you consider bad latch, thrush, mastitis...

belgo · 15/09/2009 17:45

Avril - that depends on your definition of sleeping well.

To me, a baby that sleeps well is one that is content, and doesn't cry at night. I don't consider waking up to breastfeed as not sleeping well, because it's perfectly normal for a bf baby to wake up to bf for however long they need it.

It would be more interesting to compare how much babies cried at night, especially inconsolable crying.

MilaMae · 15/09/2009 17:45

Totally agree with Minx and Avril,really well put posts.

Breast feeding can in absolutely no way be compared with parenting I find that very insulting actually. Things do get easier with bottle feeding for the vast majority of us otherwise we wouldn't switch. I get fed up with people insisting ff mums are so away with the fairies they just imagine that ff is easier. It bloody is for so many mums in fact I haven't heard a single one of my friends who have done both like me say it wasn't. If it wasn't easier Northern why didn't all your hoards of friends switch back?

"I think they're wrong in their memory of that"-how patronising is that !!!!! [shock}

I had 3 under 16 months total utter picnic in comparison to my 6 hell weeks of breastfeeding.

MaggieBeauLeo · 15/09/2009 17:49

It's her choice. Let her get on with whatever she decides and don't try to bombard her with stats, links, facts, etc.. it's so tedious.

She isn't trying to insult earth mothers, she just feels she needs to justify her decision. SHe can't just say "I'm going to FF".. she has to qualify it, and that makes it worse. But its' the way things have gone, if you don't breastfeed you're seen to be wrong and an idiot.

WitchBitch · 15/09/2009 17:55

How surprising that your friend feels the need to justify her decision.

It is not as if BF-ers are judgemental is it?

Longtalljosie · 15/09/2009 17:57

But breastfeeding isn't hell for everyone and that does need to be said. Yes, clearly it is for some people. But after reading mumsnet bunfights debates on this issue I became convinced it was bound to be difficult and painful, because that's what you read on here, over and over. And it's not always, and wasn't for me.

Anyway - the OP's friend wasn't saying it was a grind, or painful. She came up with some earth mother nonsense.

What NL was saying about misremembering was the suggestion that if people move to a bottle when their children are older, and breastfeed with newborns - they may associate bottle feeding with the general greater ease of dealing with slightly older children. Which is a reasonable point I think.

belgo · 15/09/2009 18:00

Witchbitch- bfers and non-bfers are judgemental alike, practically every mother will be judgemental of another mother for something or another.

As soon as you become pregnant, get ready for the judging. If you bf or if you don't bf, someone will judge you.

TheShriekingHarpy · 15/09/2009 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MoChan · 15/09/2009 20:31

BitOfFun - I just don't like that label, I suppose. Presumably we all have different perceptions of what 'earth mother' means. But, more importantly, people use it to imply certain things about a person. In my experience, when someone calls someone an earth mother, they are very often mocking them for being...

...a bit hippy...?
...someone overly idealistic and unrealistic about childbirth and parenthood...?
...someone a bit conceited who considers themselves to be a natural, marvellous parent...?

Perhaps some people do mean it in a positive way. They possibly mean someone extremely dedicated to their children, very keen to be close to their children (sometimes physically), very keen on all children...?

In the first instance, I would take offence, yes. In the second instance, I perhaps wouldn't be offended but I'd be a bit puzzled. I don't think I fit that mould: I came very reluctantly to motherhood, in fact, and though I enjoy a close relationship with my daughter, I'm still rubbish with other children...

MoChan · 15/09/2009 20:37

Northernlurker · 15/09/2009 20:45

Yes LTJ - that is what exactly what I meant.

Mila - I'm sorry if you found that remark patronising. Personally I know I can't rememeber every detail of my parenting life. My memories of my first child are slightly clearer then my second - about whose infancy I can remember sod all! That means that I cannot remember things with any certainty that an objective observer would see them in the same way. Effectively I may be wrong - though of course I think I'm remembering things absolutely with crystal clarity.

Avril - bad latch, mastitis and thrush are not inevitable when breastfeeding. Though two of my children had oral thrush I never had it on my nipples and I only had mastitis once in 49 months of breastfeeding. That was with my third child and was my own fault for not swapping the starting the feed boob properly.

mumcah · 15/09/2009 20:50

A friend of mine called me an 'earth mother' as I breastfed (for 4 months) and made my own pureed veg when I started weaning DD.Her words.Very weird as all my friends (bar 1) have at least attempted to bf and make their own food.

Mamazon · 15/09/2009 20:51

So what would she rather be? Moon mum?

echofalls · 15/09/2009 20:58

She maybe feels she has to defend her right NOT to breastfeed .. it is every womans choice how they feed their baby but too many are made to feel inferior by not bf. While its not the best excuse or reason the fact that she feels she has to give one is a shame. By the way I have BF one and FF two so experience of both sides

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