...thinking that DH is committing a fraud…

[toja555]

When you think things cannot get any worse, they do get worse.
I apologize for a long story. DH?s brother was removed from the UK a week ago due to breaching visa conditions. Before that DH went to visit him in order to take 4 or 5 brother?s credit cards (but was not given by authorities). When I asked why did he want cards, DH answered something like ? there are credit limits, so why not to use them?. I didn?t like what he said, but we did not develop the subject as I hoped whatever was the idea, it died with not being given the cards.
Yesterday I came home and saw a new laptop box addressed to DH?s brother (our address). DH?s said that brother is planning business back home and is buying 4 laptops in the UK. I started suspecting? Then searched the bin and found Credit Agreement dated yesterday with the name of DH?s brother, this was cut into pieces. I searched internet and found that DH logged in to all (or most) of his brother?s accounts. I also found the text on DH?s phone to brother saying that ?PC World declined? (can?t remember exact wording). All in all, I came to the conclusion that the intention was to use credit limits, buy laptops, send abroad and never repay, especially when similar remark was made a week ago. I confronted DH saying ?I now what have you been thinking, this is not right. If you return laptops to shops, we will keep it between us. Otherwise I will have to make it public (to tell his friends, my friends and maybe report). He replied that ?this is not what I think?, ?I made my own conclusions and did not allow him to explain, and now he will not explain?, ?the brother is starting business and of course he will repay credit cards?. I asked ?prove me wrong? and he got offended and replied ?make it public if you want to?, and he refused to explain anything blaming me for my conclusions.
My guts are saying I am right. He does not want to admit. Maybe it is his brother?s influence (he?s got quite bad mentality), but DH got involved.
I have enough on my plate atm. Due to recent events, I started questioning myself whether our marriage is genuine. We have been together for 3 years and I found him quite honest person. Now all things seem to have gone wrong.
I am thinking to visit his mature relatives so that they aware of the situation and do something about it. I cannot handle it on my own. I am ashamed to tell to my friends or family (because DH always has been good in their eyes), so I am on my own. I am scared that DH will use it as a reason to leave me. I still love him but I cannot ignore if fraud is happening in my home. The worst thing, DH does not seem to care (or pretends not to).
AIBU to jump in to such conclusions? What should I do? My approach maybe was slightly to aggressive yesterday (kind of ultimatum), but I feel that I was right. The easiest thing I could do, is to pretend that everything is fine, DH bought laptops in the name of brother, brother is planning to repay, and if brother does not repay it is not my problem. I love my DH, I really don?t want him to get involved in the problem, but what can I do if he is involving himself.

toja, am really sorry you are going through this. I used to be married to a non-European, and through him I heard loads of stories similar to yours (though he didn't do it himself). Getting credit, buying stuff and doing a runner is a standard trick. So is having 6 passports. Sounds like he has been mixing with teh wrong people, who think all this stuff is normal.
Make sure his family knows what he's up to and try to sort it out through them?

Nighbynight, but many of the families are not interested in what they are doing sadly.

From what the OP said, it sounded as though they might be against it. Ex h said that many of the scammers he knew didnt tell their families anything. The families thought they were working in the UK, and had no idea about the details.
Others of course, are just professional thieves.

It is not that bad as is looks... (I hope). DH wasn't using me or anything. Even when he became unemployed, he is not demanding money. This is me who offered money for studies because it was a long-term goal. Of course, if he did what he is suspected with, there will be no trust... I have met his friends and relatives, most seem decent and hardworking people and so he is too. I am surprised myself what dragged him into this credit card things. May be the brother... Oh, and he still says that the brother will pay for the pcs.
As about his mail sorter job, he worked out after a week himself, that it is not viable working daytime and he is now only on night shifts.
Today I visited one his relative and told all the story. She said that I should calm down and try again to ask to tell the truth. If he is not, then I will let her know and she will gather all relatives and make him understand. They are against these things - been in the UK for long years and seem very decent.
I took the order sheet from the PC box and will check tomorrow with the shop more details, i.e. the way it was paid.
I took mine and DS's documents to work, so they are safe there.
I still don't believe that is was DH's intentional decision to get married with me because of visa, btw if he is separates from me his visa will be not valid. On the other hand, I took precautions to protect my own skin.
I cannot complain about our life together, I usually always know what he is up to, and our child needs father, so I am afraid I cannot just go to police when I don't have facts. But I will try to gather what I can.
P.S. I had one boyfriend in the past for short time who was a complete fraudster - I thought I have learnt my lesson....

I'm sorry OP, but with your DH saying ' ? there are credit limits, so why not to use them?.' There can only really BE one reason why he wanted those CCs... Otherwise he'd have paid for the laptops himself and the brother would have repaid him... surely.

You have this sneaking suspicion that all is not right, not right in this laptop business, and not right in your marriage. You have not granted him the stay yet, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES do that either... IME, these families will do or say whatever they need to, to get the person regularised. Blood is thicker than water.

Get out of this NOW, it's a dodgy situation, that is going to get worse. Pack his bags and tell him he can only return when the laptops are fully paid for. Until he has his stay confirmed, you have all the power in your hands. If you don't take the upper hand now, and fully protect yourself, you will miss the chance.

We all know what you feel for this man, but believe me, he is not who you think he is. Whatever you think you know, you don't, you know only what he's told you...

You have NO idea of what kind of environment he grew up in day in day out and what that did to him.

Living in my DHs country after being married to him for 5 years (he lived in UK for 20, legal since the end of the 80s) really opened my eyes to the pressures, the influences and the way they think. Even so, I don't speak the language, so I'll never fully understand. I'm lucky, mine is a good one, but he literally is 1 in 80 million, I wouldn't piss on any of his countrymen if they were on fire.

Listen to LadyEvenstar... she is giving you excellent advice. Please!

It's a bit unfair to generalise about "these families." However, I agree that the OP's situation sounds a bit risky.
OP, you are giving him the visa, and you are supporting his studies? sounds like he won the jackpot. The visa is huge, and he should do his best to give you something material back, which it seems he hasn't done yet. Sorry to be so negative. Promises for the future are all very well, but who's to say they will ever come to fruition?
I hate to say this, but the family is likely to do all that they can to make sure that you stay together for long enough for him to get the visa, even if they like you and think he is treating you shabbily.
If they do have a family session, what will they be saying to him? will it be "why have you gone off the rails, pay this money back now" or will it be "FFS don't do anything to jeopardise your visa, you have come so far now"?

Nighbynight, you are so right in what the family(lies) are likely to say. I knew months before exh left me that the marriage was over and after he left me, ds1 found a letter from his family. It basically said that he needed to continue making everything seem fine until the right time came and he got his visa. I only know this as I have a friend who is Albanian legally here and has been for many years, he translated it. It was hurtful to see the reasons he had stayed with me but what was more hurtful was that ds1 had put so much faith in him as a little boy of 4-6yrs old.

toja I agree that you really have to nip this in the bud now. If your suspicions are strong then you need to protect yourself. Go to the police and explain the situation and how you feel. There's no reason why your DH, when all this falls around his ears, couldn't just turn it all around and say you were the one committing the fraud with his brother. If he has nothing to hide then nothing will happen to him.

I have many friends and acquaintances on both sides of the marriage/visa question, and a lot of sympathy for many of them.
The OP's situation isnt simple. For example

• if she were to stop her dh from getting the visa, then her child would probably not see his father again, as having a child does not confer the automatic right to stay in the UK.
• you cannot easily say what percentage of the visa-seeking person's feelings are genuine and what aren't. He may have genuine feelings as well as a desparate desire for the visa. IME, very few people are prepared to marry someone they don't find attractive purely for the sake of the visa. Ive never met one.
• nobody can really know what they themselves would do if they were not lucky enough to be born with automatic right of residence in a rich country, something that we take for granted.