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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...thinking that DH is committing a fraud…

59 replies

toja555 · 15/09/2009 11:03

When you think things cannot get any worse, they do get worse.
I apologize for a long story. DH?s brother was removed from the UK a week ago due to breaching visa conditions. Before that DH went to visit him in order to take 4 or 5 brother?s credit cards (but was not given by authorities). When I asked why did he want cards, DH answered something like ? there are credit limits, so why not to use them?. I didn?t like what he said, but we did not develop the subject as I hoped whatever was the idea, it died with not being given the cards.
Yesterday I came home and saw a new laptop box addressed to DH?s brother (our address). DH?s said that brother is planning business back home and is buying 4 laptops in the UK. I started suspecting? Then searched the bin and found Credit Agreement dated yesterday with the name of DH?s brother, this was cut into pieces. I searched internet and found that DH logged in to all (or most) of his brother?s accounts. I also found the text on DH?s phone to brother saying that ?PC World declined? (can?t remember exact wording). All in all, I came to the conclusion that the intention was to use credit limits, buy laptops, send abroad and never repay, especially when similar remark was made a week ago. I confronted DH saying ?I now what have you been thinking, this is not right. If you return laptops to shops, we will keep it between us. Otherwise I will have to make it public (to tell his friends, my friends and maybe report). He replied that ?this is not what I think?, ?I made my own conclusions and did not allow him to explain, and now he will not explain?, ?the brother is starting business and of course he will repay credit cards?. I asked ?prove me wrong? and he got offended and replied ?make it public if you want to?, and he refused to explain anything blaming me for my conclusions.
My guts are saying I am right. He does not want to admit. Maybe it is his brother?s influence (he?s got quite bad mentality), but DH got involved.
I have enough on my plate atm. Due to recent events, I started questioning myself whether our marriage is genuine. We have been together for 3 years and I found him quite honest person. Now all things seem to have gone wrong.
I am thinking to visit his mature relatives so that they aware of the situation and do something about it. I cannot handle it on my own. I am ashamed to tell to my friends or family (because DH always has been good in their eyes), so I am on my own. I am scared that DH will use it as a reason to leave me. I still love him but I cannot ignore if fraud is happening in my home. The worst thing, DH does not seem to care (or pretends not to).
AIBU to jump in to such conclusions? What should I do? My approach maybe was slightly to aggressive yesterday (kind of ultimatum), but I feel that I was right. The easiest thing I could do, is to pretend that everything is fine, DH bought laptops in the name of brother, brother is planning to repay, and if brother does not repay it is not my problem. I love my DH, I really don?t want him to get involved in the problem, but what can I do if he is involving himself.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/09/2009 12:31

can you not cut the cards up? are they available to you?

how would a criminal record affect his status here/ sorry,know nothing about visas etc...

whose name is your new house in?

catinthehat2 · 15/09/2009 12:32

Should add I am really sorry this is happening to you and there is a lot of good advice above about protecting YOURSELF. There is a whole world of serious trouble waiting now and you really do have to start covering your own back.

catinthehat2 · 15/09/2009 12:35

(DMNC - re another thread relating to this man)

DailyMailNameChanger · 15/09/2009 12:43

Ah, I see CITH2 thanks!

Brie, cutting them up only stops them being swiped, he can still use them online.

Original poster
toja555 · 15/09/2009 13:10

I just called DH and asked to come back to his senses (not to mentioned that I called from work and was left in tears ? hate sorting out my problems at work). He said that I assumed everything and I am wrong. That the brother ordered everything himself and only the goods were delivered in our address. Forgot to mention, my DH does not have the cards, but he has all details so he could have ordered as well. That the brother is very serious man and can use the cards abroad and will of course pay for the goods. That DH is only involved by providing delivery address. Sounds that it could be true, but I don?t believe him. I asked to prove, to show his brothers accounts, but he refused by saying there is no need if I keep repeating my assumptions. Then I told all the risks he is putting us into, and he said he does not see any risks, because everything will be paid. And if I want to report to police, I can do it and he has done nothing wrong. I told please ensure that the brother pays for everything.
I can?t believe he is not even bothered. My whole world is shaking. It is not only about the credit cards, it is about how he cares about his family (us). I will get to speak with his relatives (these might be able to convince), but even if we resolve this somehow, I already raised a question of him being genuine which will also have to be answered.
Catinthehat, DH worked in accounts and was valued as a good employee and the colleagues loved him? so he can be trusted (but maybe he lost his sense being unemployed for months and relating mostly with his family abroad?).
TheLadyEvenstar, I am sorry for your story. I still hope it will not happen to me?

Thanks got, our all accounts and my mortgage are separate. Today I brought my and DS identities to keep at work, just in case. I haven?t got much savings as I just bought a house and I am taking the lodger in, so I should be able to manage (just in case), but cannot bear a mind DS not seeing a daddy and that everythign I believed could be wrong.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 15/09/2009 13:17

If the laptops are for his brother why does he need 4 and when is he going to get them if he is abroad.

You have to make a choice.

Believe your h and do nothing.
Not believe him and do nothing.
Not believe him and report him to the police.

iheartdusty · 15/09/2009 13:21

good luck toja, I hope it all turns out well for you.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/09/2009 14:11

I really hope this turns out well for you, but if it does come to light he is not genuine...well i will be here if you need to chat/sound off.

Original poster
toja555 · 15/09/2009 14:18

Thank you for your moral support... I really need it.

OP posts:
hottiebear · 15/09/2009 14:55

Or d) believe him but report to the police anyway- if he's done nothing wrong then there won't be a problem. But he might be pissed off with you for reporting him.

HarlotOTara · 15/09/2009 16:34

Why would his brother want to buy computers here to be shipped abroad? I would imagine the cost and customs duty would be expensive so surely cheaper to buy wherever he lives. I once ordered something from America and the customs duty was more than the cost of the goods.

warthog · 15/09/2009 16:43

catinthehat, can you link to that other thread please?

LIZS · 15/09/2009 16:53

agree with cat - he can kiss any idea of a professional career in finance goodbye if this is true. tbh he sounds like a bit of a waste of space, lived and worked in UK illegally, expects you to fund studies but has no related work to qualify, contributes little financially to the household and now doing something at very least underhand with cc's .... How long have you been married and what area do you originate from ? Does he have the right to stay indefinitely ?

SomeGuy · 15/09/2009 16:53

Other thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/817229-To-restrict-my-husband-from-low-paid-job

Basically OP has £30k job, her DH has basic bookkeeping experience and aspirations of becoming an accountant, but has gone off to work for Royal Mail as mail sorter for no money (after childcare costs, nothing is left). OP disapproves of DH's choice of employment on grounds that it contributes nothing to family budget.

groundhogs · 15/09/2009 16:54

toaj555? have you given this guy a stay yet? If his behaviour has changed, there must be something you can do to revoke it? Gut feel? He's used you, and he is DEF defrauding with the laptops.

It'll come back to your address... It's a tricky one, but this guy's a fake, 100%. you owe him nothing, unfortunately I think you've given him everything he wanted already... the visa.

Shop him, shop him now, before this all blows up in iyour face, and you end up being arrested too!

Seen it happen a million times, it's tragic and they just laugh themselves silly at our gullibility...

To anyone else that may fall into this trap... Only marry someone that already HAS a stay, no exceptions. Don't bring back any souvenirs from your holidays that don't fit in your suitcase, and don't question our wonderful foreign offices when they refuse these people visas to our land....

SomeGuy · 15/09/2009 16:55

OP's DH is coming across as a complete waste of space TBH. OP appears to have a professional, responsible job, and this could fuck up her credit record as well as result in prison for DH.

Contacting the police may be the next step at this point TBH.

SomeGuy · 15/09/2009 16:57

I agree with groundhogs, pack his bags, kich him out, and report him to the police.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/09/2009 17:01

Groundhogs, but it is not always easy to know who is legal and who isn't. I never knew my ex husband was illegal until after we were married.

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/09/2009 17:02

SOmeguy, I wish I had had you around to give me sound advice like that and get me grounded again when i was conned.

SomeGuy · 15/09/2009 17:12

TheLadyEvenstar: nobody will tell you what's going on, even when they know. I know a woman whose foreign husband is still married to another woman and has two sets of kids. EVERYONE knows this, she has no idea.

Or the one that told my wife that he doesn't like European women, he only got married for the money - this while being married to one, and living in Germany.

Or the man who got married, then went back home to 'build a house' while wife worked, and instead spent time with a new girlfriend every month. Now he has another wife and a child this time. Everyone apart from his wife knows his history, he will have given her a BS story about where he got his money from.

AnAuntieNotAMum · 15/09/2009 17:34

oh Toja, I'm really sad for you, you seem like a together, hard working person who might be being used. He seems to be taking it all for granted now and acting in a selfish, immature, chaotic way.

You have a gut instinct, if this was all straightforward I don't think you'd be worrying this way.

I think you said that your DH worked under a false name for some time when he was illegal here? Perhaps he has learnt from that the system can be bent and he can get by without bad consequences? He didn't defraud anyone doing their accounts but a faceless credit card company might be fair game in his mind, especially if he's come under pressure from his brother.

You say that you are ashamed to tell your friends and family but it sounds like you need their help. You have a full-time job, a baby and a new house to try and get into a livable state - this sounds too much to take on on your own.

groundhogs · 15/09/2009 17:36

LAdyEvenstar, I know, it's hard, if they wanna pull the wool, they really will.

Trouble is we are just not aware that people will do or say or be anything just to live in our land... It never occurs to us that anyone would have an ulterior motive. Hope you didn't get too burned.

Where i've been for the last 3 years, the stories I've heard of poor gullible women meeting young local lads... always a most unhappy ending... Usually for the woman's home country as he ends up importing the rest of his family etc...

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/09/2009 17:41

Groundhog, it wasn't until half way through the marriage i learnt the lies he told to stay here in the first place. He said his mother had been killed by a political party. The sad thing is she actually died a year after he left the country. The reason I think that was sad is because her own child lied about her to gain something for himself.

katiestar · 15/09/2009 17:44

The credit card thing is bad enough, but the lying to you, his partner would for me be too much.
protect yourself and kick him out

TheLadyEvenstar · 15/09/2009 18:02

OP I know after what I have told you happened to me you will think I am clouded on my judgement when actually it has served to open my eyes wider than I actually though they were open. My personal actions would be to report him to the police, cancel the credit cards, well i don't think you will be able to but you will be able to contact the credit card companies and provide them with the information that your brother in law is no longer in the country and the date he left. That way they will know the cards are not being legally used from this country. What action they will take I am not sure but I would assume that they would cancel the cards asap.

On the front of your husband lying to you I would be packing his bags and telling him to leave. Just one thing I would do first is make sure you have your ds's passport away from him and as soon as he leaves report him to the home office and also get a restraining order(i think thats what it is called) to prevent him removing your son. I know a woman who had this happen to her and it took her 3 yrs to get her son back. I am not trying to scare you but you have to think logically but when you are upset like this it is not always easy to do so.