Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask NOT to have the bloody Cockatiel next time!

66 replies

GoldenSnitch · 14/09/2009 10:25

Right, back story...

When my DH was about 15, he was bought a cockatiel as a Christmas present. When he moved out in his mid 20's to live with his mates, she stayed at home. When he moved out to live with an ex a few years later, she stayed at home. When he moved into our house over 6 years ago, she stayed at home..she has never lived anywhere else but his parents house and never will - the inlaws are far too attached to her. She is thier bird now.

But whenever they go on holiday (couple of times a year plus various weekends away) the bird comes to stay with us. They used to ask in advance if this was OK. They now just turn up with her without a word. Apparently this is because she is DH's pet

We only have a small house. All we have is a lounge and a kitchen/diner downstairs. She has to be in one of these rooms cause she's not going in our bedrooms! Thing is, she hates me (and I have tried to change this but she hates all women that aren't MIL) and she really hates kids. My DS is 2.5. So, because she has to be in one of our living area's and DS is fascinated with her, she is constantly being looked at and her cage wobbled. I feel like a broken record saying "DS leave the bird alone". I have even threatened the naughty step if he touches her again and I will use it if he doesn't stop.

This happens every single time she comes to stay.

Plus, she is filthy. She is forever cleaning herself and flicking bits of feather and seed everywhere. Plus, of course, the poo whenever DH lets her out of the cage! (It's not a big cage, she needs to be out sometimes) I struggle to keep the house clean at the best of times - she does not help.

So - we now have her for a fortnight and I know that the IL's are planning to be away for New Years and will no doubt want to leave the bird with us again. But - I am currently pregnant and our new baby is due at Christmas. Baby will be around a week old, maybe 2, when New Years arrives and I will have had a c-section. I struggled with breastfeeding last time and will be trying again. I do not need the extra hassle. DH is not good at helping with the housework and cannot cook.

AIBU to ask that we don't have her next time the IL's go away?

Both SIL's have huge houses and older children. Both have extra, mostly unused, rooms where they can put the bird on her own so she is not disturbed by the children and children who are old enough to not be constantly messing with her. Neither will have a brand new baby to be contending with. Both are clean freaks (something I would love to be) who will deal with her mess effortlessly.

And, as an aside, AIBU to be a bit narked that we never gets asked if we'd mind looking after her anymore? Surely, after the better part of 10 years, no-one could count her as DH's pet anymore? I certainly wouldn't (and don't) assume anyone will automatically feed our rabbits when we go away and I never ask the same person twice in a row if I can help it. We haven't even been abroad since DS was born and never away for more than a week! It's not like I owe them...

OP posts:
Original poster
GoldenSnitch · 14/09/2009 12:13

I would LadyGlencora but DH and I are both allergic to cats.

OP posts:
DesperateHousewifeToo · 14/09/2009 12:37

I watched something on tv recently about a grumpy parrot that liked only one person in the family and would screech/peck everyone else.

Can't remember what they had to do to train it though, so not much help

It was all to do with the bird knowing it's place in the pecking order (see what I did there?). It thought it was in charge of everyone, except the daughter who he accepted as boss.

Did anyone else see it?

Original poster
GoldenSnitch · 14/09/2009 12:56

She totally adores DH. If he's in she will call to him until he opens the cage and lets her sit on him then she will sit there happily all night. He can stroke her and kiss her.

Sometimes I think she's jealous of me!

I just called him to check it was OK to put her outside and he said yes. She's right outside the lounge window in a sheltered spot so I can keep an eye on her and the weather. She's preening and enjoying the sunshine now.

I'm not some terrible cockatiel hating harridan - just a tired, pregnant lady with a toddler who could do without the hassle right now.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 14/09/2009 13:03

didn't see it but yes it is possible for birds to be dominant, and also teratorial. One of the ways in which you deal with this is to treat the bird a bit like a toddler. so - the bird has learned that if he's out of his cage and you approach him/try to pick him up/handle him he bites, thus meaning you go away... So what you do is, when you approach the bird and he bites/hisses/is agressive you tell him firmly "no" (much as you would with a dog), and then return him to his cage and turn away from him thus ensuring he gets no attention. Sort of like time-out for birds.

Then after a couple of minutes you go back and open the cage, put your hand in, and if the bird allows you to pick him up/handle him (I'm assuming this is a tame bird we're talking about) you reward him by one of the things he likes, be it a treat/soft talking/scratching the back of his head etc, but as soon as he goes to bite you go back to the ignoring.

Op - I don't really think yabu - birds aren't everyone's thing and they can certainly be messy, although again they can be trained to sit in one place ie the top of their cage and the mess thus contained, but as it's not your bird this would be difficult to achieve in a short space of time, and would have to be revisited every time the bird came to stay.

I would take the cowards way out though and get dh to say no.

GrapefruitMoon · 14/09/2009 13:05

You must definitely refuse to have the damn thing at New Year - if they won't believe the midwife story tell it to them straight - you are not prepared to have it with a new baby in the house and you recovering from a c-section. If they use the line that it is dh's pet, say in that case if they don't want it & don't want to make alternative arrangements during the holidays you are leaving it at an animal shelter/selling it. Call their bluff.

You may have to offer to pay for the alternative holiday care though if your SILs won't have it...

MrFlibble · 14/09/2009 13:09

Snitch dont feel bad for disliking the bird. They are bloody hard work when looked after correctly, my sister has 4 parrots and they are lovely to her and her partner but dislike anyone else, to a point where you cant be in the same room as them and if they hear you and are able to, they will stalk you.
It is scary when they go for you ive had many the arguement with my sister about if it was my dog being that antisocial with humans she would be put on the dangerous dogs list and probably put down, but because they are birds its ok?! (Yes a dog can do alot of damage but these birds go for the face and eyes which is just as bad)
Put your foot down, tell DH and your PIL that you wont be having the bird at New year and they need to find alternative arrangements.

wannaBe · 14/09/2009 13:18

four parrots?

Tbh I think one of the main issues with birds is that people don't see them as trainable in the same way as dogs, so when birds are agressive people don't know how to deal with it (and a lot of people who buy these birds do so without much prior knowledge).

I have an african grey parrot and there is just no way he would be allowed stalk/fly at people - in fact I don't have him out when people are around because flying birds just aren't everyone's thing (although he does predominantly sit on his cage) and the sight of the beak alone is enough to scare some into not thinking they could go near his cage, even though he is perfectly tame and has never seriously bitten anyone.

Much like agressive dogs, agressive birds are the responsibility of the owner.

Morloth · 14/09/2009 13:18

I lurve most animals and I fucking hate birds (with the exception of the bigger birds of prey, but I still don't want one near me). Not afraid of them I just hate them, they disgust me. The only good kind of bird is the roasted kind. Vile things, dinosaurs in disguise.

OP you just need to tell your DH and MIL that you will not be having the bird at New Years. If they try to insist warn them that you will not be caring for the thing and that the cage will have to be kept outside at all times. That ought to put them off.

Original poster
GoldenSnitch · 14/09/2009 13:22

Things is Wannabe, how do I get her back in her cage when she bites me? I've been known to carry the cage over and let her climb back in that way. DH is allowed to pick her up so I just wait for him to be in before I let her out these days.

GrapefruitMoon I know the SIL's have had the bird before and I know they hated it too. In fact, the reason she hates kids so much is probably down to DH's eldest sisters youngest son who threw a cushion over the bird many years ago while she was out at thier house and leant on it to keep her there. SIL noticed the bird was gone and her DS looking shifty! He's now 7 though and at school all day. Plus, they have a study or conservatory she could be in away from him.

Thanks MrFlibble I try to keep her fed, clean and happy as much as I can without having to handle her. I'm certainly not abusing her. It's just hard work keeping up with the mess and DS's fascination with her when you're pregnant like we are...

OP posts:
paisleyleaf · 14/09/2009 13:31

Desperatehousewife, I saw something (may have been the same program), with a lonely, single, woman who couldn't bring a man home without the bird making it impossible.
I don't think bird expert could train it and in the end moved it to an aviary at the bottom of the garden. But when they revisited her, she'd caved in and brought it back into the house. It was so wierd - the bird was really intense and had a real hold over her.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 14/09/2009 13:39

The one I saw Paisly was a family with teenaged children.

The parrot liked one of the daughters.

The training (whatever it was) worked really well and meant that all the family could then handle the bird.

I know it's not the answer to your problems, GSnitch but if you end up having to keep looking after the bird, it might be the way forward.

YouTube have lots of 'parrot training' clips (with a very intense american) which might be worth looking at.

I would definitely refuse to have the bird at New Year though. You wouldn't be able to let it out of the cage in case it poo-ed on or attacked the baby. And, quite frankly, you don't need to extra work with a very new born.

groundhogs · 14/09/2009 14:47

Tell DH that you aren't prepared to have the bird at new year, baby, DS etc.

Then, when you hand the bird back upon their return from Portugal, take a deep breath and say to PIL, it's been really tough on us this time, DS is at an age where he's into everything. New baby on the way. This will be the last time we look after the bird.

End of.

Once it's out there, all you have to do is keep repeating it over and over.

I'm not prepared to look after the bird anymore, our home/family environment is not suitable.

As someone else said, what's the worst that can happen? You are giving them plenty of notice.

MrFlibble · 14/09/2009 14:57

Yup, wannabe, 4 of the bloody things. One is an African Grey which is sociable im quite happy having him sat on my shoulder.
The other 3 are black headed caikes (pitbulls with feathers) they have their own room but go mental if they can hear you. She is very good about keeping them away from you nowadays but a few years ago she seemed to think many of us were just overeacting, then my dad came away with almost a pierced eyebrow so she is a bit more considerate!

All the luck Snitch try not to let it get you down.

isitbabyorpie · 14/09/2009 15:05

YANBU. Although, do you have a large shed that the bird can live in for a couple of weeks?

Original poster
GoldenSnitch · 14/09/2009 16:37

No shed unfortuneately and it's far too cold in the garage

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 14/09/2009 16:53

Do they live near you - could your dh just pop over daily to feed it?

Original poster
GoldenSnitch · 14/09/2009 17:01

They live 2 minutes away. I think they're worried she'd get lonely though

OP posts:
GrapefruitMoon · 14/09/2009 17:04

So they'd rather inconvenience someone who'd just given birth rather than have a lonely parrot

Do they have some redeeming points that you haven't revealed yet, like do lots of babysitting for you/bring around dinner every day after you've had the baby, etc?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 14/09/2009 17:20

I agree with groundhogs this is a fully justified foot down moment. No need for "mw said" etc. It has been too much this time and it is not happening again, your dh is not helping cleaning etc and as you are pregnant bird poo is not recommended.

You really do need to stand up for yourself and your LO's on this, otherwise it will continue to be a problem in the future.

(Your SIL has obviously had the same conversation in the past).

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/09/2009 18:02

What groundhogs said. YANBU.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/09/2009 18:07

YANBU

Your dh needs to learn to cook.

You need to tell them now that you will not be able to have the bird next time as it wouldn't be fair on her that she won't get the attention she needs what with you having had a major op to give you a lovely new grandchild..

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 14/09/2009 18:11

WRT your son I would tell him he has to leave the bird in peace but I wouldn't stop him having fun in his own home.

Put the bird in the bathroom for a bit? In the bath the poo would be contained.

Original poster
GoldenSnitch · 15/09/2009 07:32

TBH, I was a little shocked that they booked the holiday after they found out DD's due date. Given a natural labour, they could very well be away for the birth of thier last GC! Seems like when you get to GC7, it's not all that exciting anymore

I don't think they've even thought about how much work she can cause.

They do have DS for sleepovers pretty much whenever we need them to babysit Grapefruit and she did cook some meals when DS was born, even changed my bed for me and washed the old sheets. She has her moments.

And yes, Fab it would be greta if DH could cook. Unfortuneately, he finds it all completely tedious. It's me, tinned soup and Dominos in this house!

I could put her in the bath but then I'd have to clean the bath - not an easy job at 6 months pregnant when I look like a whale!

Had a chat with DH last night and said "we're not going to have to have the bird at New Year are we?" He thought about it for a minute and said that maybe we could ask one of his sisters. So that's good. Best thing to do with my husband now is to leave it and mention it again just before PIL's get back. Otherwise he'll think I'm nagging. If he doesn't mention it when we drop her back off I will - I have the confidence now you guys have assured me I'm not being unreasonable

Just got the next two weeks to get through now!!

OP posts:
GentleOtter · 15/09/2009 08:05

There is a small risk of psittacosis from these birds. My Dad caught it and had to retire.

2rebecca · 15/09/2009 08:20

If it's your husbands bird why are you doing stuff for it? Tell him he has to do all the cleaning up after it and that you can catch types of pneumonia from birds so it's not a good idea to have them round pregnant women and babies. Let him sort it. If he won't put the bird in a room where it's out of the way and husband can talk to it and entertain it whn he's not working.
I'm not sure why you're having so much to do with the bird. Ignore it and it maybe won't bother you as much.
How much longer has it got to live anyway?
If it's husbands pet you maybe should be grateful they pick it up when they return from holiday although buying a 15 year old a pet that is likely to live over a year is very stupid. You either buy a pet for yourself or don't bother.