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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think, in hindsight, that this was a bit dodgy?

28 replies

SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 21:49

I know I'm probably over thinking this. But it has bothered me for quite a long time.

I went to my mum's 3rd wedding last weekend. My ex-stepdad was there (the middle one) and I was standing outside having a cigarette when the DJ played a certain song that made me think about it again.

This man was my stepdad from 7-17. When I was about 11, he used to ask me to dress in my dance leotard and dance for him, to this particular song. Of course I did, because I did and still do love showing off.

I'm 39 now... and looking back - this happened on more than one occasion - it was a bit dodgy, yes?

It was always when he had had a drink. And there was never anybody else in the house when it happened. Nothing physical ever happened, and I never thought twice about it until a few years ago, when it popped back into my head.

When this song played at the wedding last weekend, while I was standing chatting to him - I really nearly brought it up.

Am I over analysing this do you think?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 12/09/2009 21:51

Shades of Herod and Salome, sounds dodgy.
Where was your mother when all this was going on?

booyhoo · 12/09/2009 21:52

hmm, could have been just a dad taking pride in his daughter's talent? you know the way a parent would ask a child to play piano/sing a favourite song?

also could have been a bit dodgy.

moondog · 12/09/2009 21:53

Perhaps.

Is there naything wrong with watching a lovely young girl dance?
If so ,then we are all pervs.

MillyR · 12/09/2009 21:54

I really don't know. My DD is always getting dressed up and doing dances to music. You are describing him as 'this man' which suggests you never considered him to be your Dad, and presumably he didn't consider you to be his daughter. Some people do consider a person who they bring up from 7 to be a daughter to them.

So it somehow changes things if he is just 'this man' or he is 'your father.'

It has to be your instincts on the matter.

groundhogs · 12/09/2009 21:54

yikes.. depends on the song tho...

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 21:56

I can't remember Goblinchild. Honestly. She might have been at work. She used to work evenings in a pub, so that's possible.

See, booyhoo & moondog, that's what I mean. Was he taking pride in my talent? Or was he drunkenly leering? This sounds awful written down

I suppose it doesn't really matter. I only see him at family stuff, but somehow it kind of bothers me a bit.

OP posts:
GirlsAreLOud · 12/09/2009 21:57

What was the song?

If it was "tiny dancer" or similar then probs not at all dodgy.

If it was "let's get it on" then maybe more so...

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 21:58

Well I have a father, Milly, but he was a pretty good stepdad for a while, if I'm fair. He did treat us like his own.

OP posts:
Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 21:59

It was Ain't Nobody, by Rufus and Chaka Khan.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 12/09/2009 22:01

when you think back, did it feel strange at the time?

LadyOfTheFlowers · 12/09/2009 22:01

If it only ever happened when he had been drinking, I would think he was perving?
Otherwise, why couldn't he 'take pride' in the dancing when he was sober?

Ninks · 12/09/2009 22:01

SH if you have a bad feeling about it then it is worth listening to IMO. Especially if there was nobody else around and alcohol was involved.

So not just asking a lovely young girl to dance if he was drinking and you were alone and discomforted.

And it doesn't depend on the song does it? I hope groundhogs was joking.

GirlsAreLOud · 12/09/2009 22:02

Um, the song could be pervy but could just be that he liked to groove a bit?

I don't know, without the context of being there it's very hard to tell.

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 22:04

Again I can't remember.

It just makes me feel uncomfortable now. And maybe then, I don't recall. I just don't know how I feel about it.

I've never told anybody. Not one person.

And it's not like I'm one of those people who needs to invent past stuff, or go to therapy or any of that - not my style AT ALL.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 12/09/2009 22:04

i do think its strange that it was only when no one else was there.

although, i do have aunts/ uncles who will ask their kids to showcase their talents when drunk, but it's usually whenever there is an audience, not just the one aunt or uncle.

MillyR · 12/09/2009 22:05

I think it really has to come to down to your feelings. You were there and you know how he behaved around you.

If you liked dancing, then maybe he just saw it as a way of keeping your occupied while your Mum was out, because he didn't want to do anything like play ludo, as he just wanted a relaxing drink. Do you think that is possible?

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 22:05

Lady, that's what I mean. Why was it only when everyone was out? If it had been me practicing ballet or summat, in front of everyone, that would be different.

OP posts:
Ninks · 12/09/2009 22:05

SH, my own father had a few uncomfortable moments when I was in revealing dancing costumes. I'm adopted so he maybe could have not had it on his conscience if he had gone further...

And I believe what you are saying

paisleyleaf · 12/09/2009 22:06

It may have been something you enjoyed at the time....and was simply an easy way to keep you entertained while he just vegged on the sofa.

Ninks · 12/09/2009 22:11

DH is DD's step-dad and says there is no way he would ask her to dance for him while he was drinking and I was out of the house. He doesn't drink though but thinks it would be really odd and worrying to ask for a particular set of clothes.

Ninks · 12/09/2009 22:14

And SH, I think you are really brave starting this thread. It's very difficult to interpret things which happened when you were a child and (possibly) devious adults were controlling events and perceptions

Goblinchild · 12/09/2009 22:16

I googled the lyrics because I don't know the song. And it wasn't very reassuring to add those words to the image of a young girl dancing in her leotard for a stepfather with a drink or two inside him.
As I keep pointing out, be less worried about the stranger being strange in the park and more about the weirdo in your home.

tasmaniandevilchaser · 12/09/2009 22:24

I'm with MillyR, it's about how you feel, if it makes you feel uncomfortable....

Original poster
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/09/2009 22:37

See Goblin, that's what I mean. It's a sexy song. Inapproriate for the situation.

But I don't know if that was even relevant! It may have been a completely innocent appreciation of a step relationship. And it might not. And I have no way of ever really knowing the truth. Which in turn, makes me look at him in a completely different light, maybe completely wrongly.

Ninks. What you said made me shudder xxx

I had a great childhood in general. But when I think back.... hmmmm. It's difficult.

OP posts:
MillyR · 12/09/2009 22:39

How is your relationship with him now? Do you get on well or do you rarely see him?

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