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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel resentful that my mum will be looking after my nephew regularly

32 replies

pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 11:15

Well, I have 2 children, a ds 7 and a baby 7 months. I'm a SAHM at the moment but am planning on returning to work part-time in the winter.

My mum has provided emergency help for my ds in the past i.e looking after him on occasions when his asthma was too bad for school etc.

My mum has always told me that she is unable to commit to providing regular child care as she works nights on an irregular shift pattern. That's fine, why should I expect her to do that-I've always really appreciated the help that she does provide.

I have a younger sister, who has also recently had a baby. She is planning on returning to work and apparently my mum has agreed to regularly look after him one day a week.I feel resentful of this as I think my mum will be so tired with her job and this new committment that my dc's will basically miss out if they are ever ill etc.

I also feel resentful that my sister will not have to pay for childcare while my OH and I are struggling financially.
(My sister and her husband both have well-paid jobs)

My mum has said nothing to me, I found out from another family member-I think she and my sister are aware that I will feel resentful.

Just read this back-I do sound jealous and bitter. I don't like to think of myself as being that person that everyone is scared of upsetting!
How do I get over this? It's bugging me more and more.

Should I just suck it up and accept that it's inevitable that some family members are treated differently

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 10/09/2009 11:16

Why don't you just ask your mum why she can look after your nephew regularly but not your children. They are being passive aggressive, you don't have to be passive aggressive back.

Overmydeadbody · 10/09/2009 11:17

YABU

Yes you should just suck it up and accept it, it's your mum's choice what she does with her time including which children she helps look after.

You said yourself, you are a SAHM, your sister works, perhaps your mum rightly thinks your sister could benefit more.

Or your mum wants to get to know her new nephew.

Or your kids are a handful...

Original poster
pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 11:21

We've recently moved and live 30 mins away for my parents-my sister lives 20 mins away. I know that is the reason my mum will give- but i know it's not the truth.

We used to live 5 mins away and on the occasions when I asked for help (I was a single mum at the time) it was always refused with the reason being due to her shifts.

I feel annoyed with my sister the most. She has always been very much the baby of the family and i think she's taking advantage of my mum's inability to say no to her.

OP posts:
slushy06 · 10/09/2009 11:22

IMOH YANBU however my MIL looks after 2 of her grandchildren 2 days a week but it has kinda meant that she seems to enjoy my children more (but loves them equally) as they are not a chore I cant explain it but it is just what happened.

I can understand you being upset at her saying no to one and yes to another perhaps she regretted saying no to you and does not know how to tell you this.

I also get the younger sister always being treated like a baby and given more help with everything than you did at that age it is annoying but in the end you will be stronger and prouder of your self than your sister.

Original poster
pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 11:22

No, overmydeadbody, we are both on maternity leave and are both planning on returning to work.

My son is also very well-behaved and has a good relationship with his grandparents

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 11:25

Slushy, that's a more positive way of looking at it!

I feel confused bacause I know my mum tries really hard to treat all of her grandchildren equally.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 10/09/2009 11:25

Well I have the opposite thing with my mum! She disapproves of my working so she won't babysit for me as she thinks my children don't get enought time with me (at least I think that is her logic).

SiL, on the other hand, is a SAHM and gets my mum to babysit once a week/fortnight as it suits her (SiL).

At the end of the day it is up to my mum what she does and she is not obliged to babysit for me.

I think YANBU to feel resentful, but probably not a lot you can do other than put up with it!

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 10/09/2009 11:31

'I feel resentful of this as I think my mum will be so tired with her job and this new committment that my dc's will basically miss out if they are ever ill etc'

it isn't fair but you sound petulant and rather selfish.

TsarChasm · 10/09/2009 11:37

Yanbu to feel like this. Maybe there's more to it though? I'd be clear on the facts if you intend to mention it.

If things are just as they appear, then I don't think yabu at all to feel that you are being treated differently.

Original poster
pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 11:42

Eleanorabunting-Ouch!

Tsarchasm-I think things are just as they appear- but I have to say my sister does seem to be finding new motherhood a bit hard to cope with - that could well be why my mum's offering to help.

I'm not going to say anything- venting on here has already helped me put things in perspective.

OP posts:
EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 10/09/2009 11:51

sorry pmt!

my mother looks after my nephew all the time. it is great for my brother but then he pays the heavy price of having to live next door to her. i would rather fork out for childcare and live at teh other side of the country

TsarChasm · 10/09/2009 11:56

Sometimes you just need somewhere safe to get things off your chest and then that makes things easier to swallow in rl.

Kind of diffuses the bomb iykwim

flowerybeanbag · 10/09/2009 11:57

But you don't need regular childcare anyway? You are resentful that your sister won't have to pay for childcare, but you are not having to pay for it anyway.

Your mum has previously told you she wouldn't be able to do regular childcare, but perhaps she's changed her mind about that?

I think your concern shouldn't be jealousy or resentfulness that you're not getting the same, it should be about your mum, whether she can cope with regular childcare, and whether it's right for your sister to take advantage when she's perfectly able to pay for childcare.

Carrotfly · 10/09/2009 12:02

Its always diificult when something new comes along and upsets the apple cart, especially if it somehow disgruntles you.

I dont think YABU for feeling the way you do, but other than confronting your mum, I dont think you can really do anything about it.

I'm a great believer in standing on your own two feet. Nobody lets you down then .... except yourself.

5inthebed · 10/09/2009 12:06

I don't think you're BU at all. I've been there, still there and hate it! Either say something to her and let her know how you feel, or be like me and be bitter about it 6 years down the line

PrammyMammy · 10/09/2009 12:43

yanbu. at all.

If you can approach them calmly you should, because your feelings will only become stronger.

diddl · 10/09/2009 12:51

Does your sister plan to work full time?
If so, one day a week won´t make much of an inroad into childcare, IMO.
Perhaps it´s your Mum´s way of making sure she has time with the baby.
Why don´t you ask if your Mum would also like yours one day a week.
Does your Mumeven know that you are planning to return to work?

ElectricElephant · 10/09/2009 12:51

YANBU, at all. I'm in almost exactly the same situation, and while I would never expect my Mum to look after DD, my sister actually expects a lot of help from her wrt looking after her DS.

Also she did make a point of telling me, while I was still pregnant, that she'd never be able to look after my DD regularly - but as soon as Dsis had a baby, she offered regular childcare.

So I know where you're coming from... bloody difficult, isn't it?

ElectricElephant · 10/09/2009 12:52

Why don't you ask her if she can babysit in the evenings for you, so you can go out? You might feel a bit less grotty about it then?

Original poster
pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 12:55

No, both myself and my sister are planning to return to work part-time. Our situations at the moment are very similar.

I spoke to mum about poss. help with child care last when I was pregnant and was told 'no' .

I am happy to manage with a child minder.

Thanks for all replies btw.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/09/2009 12:58

But why not ask again?
Did your sister ask or did your mum offer?

Original poster
pinkthechaffinch · 10/09/2009 13:20

I'm not sure. All of this has come from another family member- I'm not supposed to know, which, frankly, is also annoying me.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/09/2009 13:45

I think you could you´re returning to work, would your mum like to have the children "all to herself" one day a week.
See how it goes.

Mums can be insensitive, though.
I´m the "baby"of the family.
And I still get treated as such & I hate it!

My sister often sees it as me being more thought about!!

No win situation for both of us.

EldonAve · 10/09/2009 13:48

YANBU

scottishmummy · 10/09/2009 14:03

this isnt really about mum,its about you and your sister and that relationship.cut yourself some slack and dont get caught up in comparisons, she said/she gets. focus upon yourself your family

your mum is helping out,and it is up to her to allocate her time and commitment as she chooses.that may not be equitable or seem fair but it is up to her

hope your return to work goes well