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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that frugality is the new way of bragging about how much money you have

67 replies

hungrierhippo · 10/09/2009 10:27

I know this has been done before but I am stealing myself to see some friends at the weekend.

Everytime we see them they make a huge deal of how much money they are saving. Basically this is by earning lots of money and being cheapskates. This made itself apparent when we invited them round for dinner before Christmas (a long held tradition from our 20s) and they bought a bottle of wine they had opened the previous evening and bought DH a £2.50 present with the price still on after we considerably more on their presents and had cooked them dinner. They also stopped buying rounds in pubs as 'we're trying to see if we can live on one salary' (said to a friend who was unemployed). Anyway, I digress, it's not that I'm bitter or anything .

I am currently on maternity leave and before that worked part time (after DS1). They have no children and make 3 times the money we do.

I'm fine with people spending (or not) however they like but increasingly saving money appears to be some new exciting little hobby to people, along with reducing their carbon footprint by not flying to the Maldives even though they could if they wanted to you know.

rant over.

OP posts:
tattycoram · 10/09/2009 14:29

I agree Bibbity. I had a very very tight boyfriend in my early twenties and it went with a whole host of unappealing trait. I run a mile from tightwads now.

1dilemma · 10/09/2009 14:30

sorry hippo hope I didn't cause any upset I didn't think before I asked IYSWIM

Original poster
hungrierhippo · 10/09/2009 14:30

I'm on a roll now, I'm finding it all very cathartic to vent before I actually see them.

The last time I saw them he said that they were saving my friend's salary because 'having a mortgage is such a bore'.

Isn't it just.

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 10/09/2009 14:34

YANBU

I am a bit bored of some people playing at being poor. It is all very Marie Antoinette.

Pikelit · 10/09/2009 14:35

La! Dontcha just feel for them?

WebDude · 10/09/2009 14:35

1dilemma Even if you were first to write it so bluntly, I'm sure you weren't the first to think it... for sure!

Glad OP understood question mark over whether they are really 'worth' having as friends.

Harsh, but evaluation worthwhile, and these 'friends' "could do better".

TrillianAstra · 10/09/2009 14:37

They stopped buying rounds in pubs - did they still accept drinks from other people, or just opt out of the rounds system?

The first is evil, the second is fine.

OtterInaSkoda · 10/09/2009 14:38

Agree with dilemma - your friends were tight, not frugal.

Anyone else fall about laughing the other week when some bloke on Economy Gastronomy bought an enormous salmon? Back when I was broke that'd have made me cry. Like all those property shows - I remember my reaction watching one of these when, baby on the way and to all intent and purposed homeless, some silly bint cried because the door on the £500,000 "cottage" she'd set her heart on was too narrow to get her AGA through.

And I hate, hate, hate those stupid Sunday supplement articles about "downsizing" where people come over all frugal by selling their London townhouses and buying their very own River Cottage.

Anyway, I digress. YANBU.

MorrisZapp · 10/09/2009 14:38

YABU. People who aren't skint can't win on mumsnet. Spend money, get slated. Spend money on credit cards that you don't have, get slated. Cut back spending and try to reduce waste, get slated.

Like most of my friends, I'm trying to cut back spending. Not because of the recession (which imo has been vastly overhyped by the media - I don't see why people who haven't lost their jobs need to suddenly save up if they didn't before, insert usual caveat about people who have lost their jobs) but because I don't want to waste money on pish that I don't need.

I'm not poor and I wouldn't claim to be. But it can be very enlightening to cut back spending and see how much crap you can actually do without. It would be supremely tactless of me to say this to somebody like say, my sister, who actually is skint. But with friends who have a similar lifestyle to me, it's a good topic of conversation.

Your friend's wine thing seems a bit mean, but it depends on the friend. My best pal and I routinely bring each other stuff we already had in our cupboards, take our own juice to the cinema, go to pubs that offer beer promotions etc etc. We both enjoy 'making do' and we appreciate and support each other's efforts. Obviously is different ball game if you're spending and they aren't - that's just tight.

OtterInaSkoda · 10/09/2009 14:42

I was the homeless, pregnant one btw, not the silly bint!

skihorse · 10/09/2009 14:43

YABU - they sound "mean" which is a world away from "frugal".

stilagold I'm sorry you find yourself in such a position - but you did not have to buy a house just because you were pregnant, nobody forced your hand. Nobody forced you to take a "teaser rate" which only lasted for 2 years.

TrillianAstra · 10/09/2009 14:45

MorrisZapp - My best pal and I routinely bring each other stuff we already had in our cupboards, take our own juice to the cinema, go to pubs that offer beer promotions etc etc.

Those all sounds like lovely things to do (cinema drinks are horribly overpriced!). Being less wasteful and sharing tips on it is great. Being snooty and snide and mean about it is different.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 10/09/2009 14:49

it is a bit grating when they see it as a hobby if you have to do it because you're skint.
But I just try and think at least their carbon footprint is coming down.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 10/09/2009 14:53

'It's like people who get all ratty about splitting the bill in a restaurant - don't go if you can't afford it and see the enjoyment of other people's company as part of the deal.'

thats a bit harsh. We're very broke but I would like to go out for dinner with friends without subsidisng their meals (I'm veggie and don't drink).
Should I be denied ever going out because I cant afford to subsidise other poeple's meals as 'payment' for being allowed to see them?
Although this is a moot point as haven't actually gone out for years...

MorrisZapp · 10/09/2009 14:56

Absolutely, trillian.

Frugality is a good thing, even if it's the India Knight, Cath Kidston type.

Anything that actually makes people think before buying/ wasting stuff has to be good imo.

The thing is, many people aren't really poor. But everybody is guilty of waste in some form, and doing something is always better then doing nothing.

I get such a thrill about buying books in charity shops. I love it when I find a gem - it makes my day. I could of course buy my books off Amazon, there're often not much more expensive there anyway. But I reserve my right to go 'YAY!' at bargains even though I am not poor. I promise I won't do it in front of people who are genuinely struggling.

There was a thing in the papers about Wayne Rooney and his wife using voucher codes to get a discount in a restaurant and it was like 'look at these tight millionaires', but I say fair play to them. If I won the lottery tomorrow I'd still buy my books in charity shops and I'd still get my toiletries on 3 for 2. It's hardwired into the brain, no matter what our income.

squilly · 10/09/2009 15:00

We are being thrifty at the moment, because we want to pay off our mortgage before the endowment falls short. It feels a bit like a hobby in a way...and I like 'sharing' information on bargains. Now I'm worrying that I've become a crunch bore. It's more than possible.

No matter how bad things got, though, I'd never, turn up at a friends without a nice bottle of wine. All of the supermarkets do good wine at a decent price. And if someone's gone to all the trouble of cooking for me, it's the least I can do.

I also think that birthdays are special occasions and I'd never scrimp on gifts, either. Though I would shop at TK Maxx rather than John Lewis. But that's just because I can get more for my money from there.

YANBU at all though. These friends sound horrid!

Carrotfly · 10/09/2009 15:01

I guess it wpould make a difference to me if I knew it was say, a £50 bottle of wine that they wanted to share with me rather than a £5 worth one....

If I knew it was the former then I would quite appreciate the half drunk one, but a bottle of opened Jacobs Creek ... nah !

dilemma456 · 10/09/2009 15:16

Message withdrawn

branflake81 · 10/09/2009 16:59

My mum always brags about how she found such a good bargain in "Aldi's" (as she calls it)and treats going in there as some big social experiment, neglectiing the fact that we shop there all the time as our main shop because we have to!

WebDude · 10/09/2009 17:42

While I can see some appeal for BOGOFs, for older people, or those living alone, or those with limited abilities (to carry, if no car) then just having the item at half price would, IMHO, be a nicer idea.

It would mean the old lady pensioner with her walking stick and shopping trolley could take the one unit left on the shelf and get the same cost saving as someone with a 4x4 who spends 100 quid in one visit and piles things in for a growing family.

Yesterday spotted local Lidl had 7Up at 50p for 2 litre bottle, and some 500g butter at 50p. They've had to put some "Max 8 items" notices up, but pleased not to have to buy 4 litres or 1 Kg to get the reduced price. Maybe they're listening to some customer complaints ?

willowstar · 10/09/2009 18:16

agree, that sounds mean rather than frugal. we have had hard up times but that doesn't mean you have to skimp on generosity...bake a batch of buns for very little money/time/effort etc...rather than buy a fancy box of chocs.

but to be mean just because you are greedy is horrible.

I have friends sort of like that...their house is always cold cos they don't like to put on the heating, didn't go to work functions because of the money...they just seem quite mean spirited even though they were both earning good salaries...but had a wacking John Lewis wedding list and got their house kitted out by other peoples generosity...it just seemed all wrong to me. they want to retire early and the way they are going they will be able to.

anyway...I digress, you are not being unreasonable.

PeedOffWithNits · 10/09/2009 18:32

I agree with riven on the going out/splitting the bill issue

went out with a group of 14, most people had a couple of glasses of wine, someof us, like me, had a couple of soft drinks, but 4 ladies between them kept on ordering bottle after bottle of wine. I ended up paying £8 more than I spent.......whilst they got pissed and probably thought "that was cheap" as they were so heavily subsidised.

i could have had 2 extra pudds for that £8 LOL

fruitstick · 10/09/2009 18:53

My friend is always bragging about not spending any money and makes a point of saying how they hate waste, reducing footprint etc.

In the next breath she lists the gifts her parents bought her for her birthday ('the standard Brora, Space NK stocking fillers') and complains of their lack of imagination.

They then say how they are not flying/spending money on holidays this year but are 'going to make the most of Dad's holiday home on the South Coast' and their other friends' second homes.

It must be tough being so thrifty.

They also lecture everyone about their carbon footprint but gloss over the fact that since they 'escaped to the country' her DH drives 100 miles a day on the M40 to get to work

WebDude · 10/09/2009 23:39

POWN I bet the others from your group weren't too pleased with those 4 drinking several bottles of wine.

Had something similar with a group of men who had a get together and two decided to have the most expensive items off the menu (steaks, I think) plus a fair quantity of drink, while others were driving so were cautious.

It annoys when there are some who don't see their selfishness, and it eventually backfires on them.

WebDude · 10/09/2009 23:42

fruitstick the 100 miles a day must be the cause of the "thrift" - over the past year that might have been quite a bit of extra cost in fuel, and it doesn't seem to go down very often, given taxes usually rise.

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