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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be getting cheesed off about mounting pressure to go to my sister's wedding?

36 replies

SpawnChorus · 08/09/2009 15:02

I suppose this thread is the sequel to this one

In a nutshell, I'm 39 weeks pg and my sister is getting married on the 19th Sept. She wants me to be her (only) bridesmaid, and DH is meant to be playing his bagpipes for them. I warned her from the outset that if she chose to go with that date for her wedding we probably wouldn't be able to make it, as we live about 400 hundred miles from the wedding venue. I have two other little DCs, and I expect that I will go overdue with this one as I did with the others.

Anyway, my sis is v sanguine about it all and is not hassling me, but I think she still thinks I'm somehow going to be able to make it. I'm sure she's being encouraged in this my my (lovely but DAFT) mother who has completely unrealistic views on post-partum recovery. She seems convinced that even if I give birth a couple of days before the wedding I'll be able to make it if I put my mind to it

Now, admittedly I am hormonal and ludicrously sensitive and crabby at the moment, but their overly optimistic tomes when discussing it are doing my head in. I feel like they will think I'm being unreasonable in not putting in the effort, or that they think I'm being unecessarily doom-mongery about it all. I'm probably paranoid, but feel there's just an underlying tone that I'm being a wimp.

Plus I'm still smarting from residual hurt that sis chose a date that would almost certainly exclude me from attending.

I just wish that they would admit that I almost certainly won't be at the wedding, and then perhaps commiserate a bit about it.
Argh!!!!

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 08/09/2009 15:06

Ring her now and put her in the picture that you're not going. Have a nice old chat. And arrange a time when you feel you might want to meet up with her and have your own mini celebration.

Mum will get over it.

luckylady74 · 08/09/2009 15:10

It's a pain she chose this date, but I'm sure she did what people without kids do and just not understand.
I'm in favour of small white lies/ gentle exageration at this point so if it's 2 days after the birth just say you're bleeding lots and the midwive says not to travel-how would they know the difference?
YANBU you are pregnant and need to think about your immediate family of 4/5 at this point not your mum and your sister.
It will over in the end and then things will go back to normal.
Say nothing except 'mmm' and get on with what you want to do.

Katisha · 08/09/2009 15:11

Sympathies - they do sound a bit mad to say the least.

If you don't make it, what happens on the bridesmaid front?

diddl · 08/09/2009 15:17

Do you want to wait & see what happens, or say no now?
You know how you felt after you had the other two.
You might have an easy time on your due date & easily be able to go!

snorkie · 08/09/2009 15:37

I remember when she set the date up for this, time flies. I think you should nod & say you'll do your best to attend if you're feeling well enough but you never know how things will be (even if they're suggesting a few days after the birth which is of course ludicrous). Don't you be the one to say that it's ludicrous though or they'll think you're a wet blanket. When the time comes if you want to go & feel able to then do, and if you don't, regardless of how soon after the birth it is, say you are ill and can't go. If questioned just say you're really sorry to miss it, but you feel much worse this time around than with the earlier two & add in a cold or fever as well if necessary.

famishedass · 08/09/2009 15:38

I would wait and see how you feel closer to the time and then, as luckylady says, tell a little white lie, if you have too.

Did your sister know your due date when she booked her wedding?

slushy06 · 08/09/2009 15:40

I had the same problem a few weeks ago when I had my second child for BIl wedding my partner was best man and no one wanted to discuss me not attending and caused arguments every time it was suggested but in the end dp said a flat no and me and the kids didn't attend dp went and had a lovely time I felt guilty at the time but now I see it was a bad idea and it has been completely forgotten.
In fact when they started arguing when we said no MIL when pushed admitted that in my circumstance she would not have gone.

I would tell them your partner will go but that you will not attend then you can stop stressing and enjoy these special days a wedding may be important but so is the birth of your child it will only happen once. If it turns out you want to go you can always change your mind and go but not as bridesmaid how has she got a dress that she knows will fit you anyway.

Original poster

SpawnChorus · 08/09/2009 15:41

Well if I give birth in the next couple of days and don't have horrible piles/tears like I did with the other two, then I might try to go, but tbh even then the idea of a loooooong car journey with 2 small dcs and a newborn is just appalling! We'll have to stop off umpteen times to feed the baby.

If I don't go there will be no bridesmaid.

PuppyMonkey - I've really really tried to make them understand that at this point, barring a miracle, I won't be able to make it. They just keep glossing over it!

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 08/09/2009 15:41

i know this is not possible, but a naughty part of me just wants you to go to the wedding and start labour when she's taking her vows.

would be really funny, but i don't think you could time it that perfectly.

boyngirl · 08/09/2009 15:42

They sound really sweet but yes a bit daft!
YANBU at all. I concur with the 'I'm bleeding' and can't come line. It might well be true (sorry!!). I could hardly walk for 2 days after birth of ds1. It's crazy to expect you to do that journey with 2 other kids.
On the other hand you might want to get it over with now so it's not hanging over you or overshadowing your forthcoming new arrival. In fact that just made me quite cross for you! You shldn't be put under prssure at the mo.
I'm sure you can say it in a really loving way - you love her so much and are gutted you can't be there, she will look so beautiful etc etc but it is stressing you out beyond belief cos you just don't think you can make it.

PuppyMonkey · 08/09/2009 15:43

You can't do any more than that then really! try to stop worrying about it and enjoy your last few days of being pregnant. Eat lots of chocolate etc

Original poster

SpawnChorus · 08/09/2009 15:46

famishedass - she hadn't booked anything when I told her I was pg. In the couple of weeks previous to that she was planning on a date in mid-August (which would have been fine).

Snorkie - yes, time really does fly! And I do happen to have a cold. Meh.

slushy - I don't want DH to go! He needs to be here looking after me and the DCs. He won't be able to take much time off work and I'll be buggered if he spends a weekend of it hundreds of miles away. (He would totally agree with me on that btw, I;m not an ogre )

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 08/09/2009 15:56

I agree, it would be silly for your husband to go without you. Unless slushy06 is suggesting he would look fetching in a frock

slushy06 · 08/09/2009 15:56

No I didn't want my dp to go and leave me with a newborn baby but as it was my inlaws I was lucky and got my mum to stay with me while he went away for the weekend. ( I was also annoyed as BIL booked his a month after I told him my due date.) It really does make you angry and then you feel guilty about being angry.

slushy06 · 08/09/2009 16:30

Bit of fun I was thinking more along the lines of he could take op dc so that her sister doesn't lose page boy, flower girl and bag player 11 days before wedding. But my dp would happily fill in with the dress front in fact with his really long legs and eyelashes he would probably look better than me . In fact for a stag he dressed up as a naughty nurse and received comments like I wish my wife had legs as good as yours all night.

posieparker · 08/09/2009 16:35

Weird that she'd book it at the same time you're due....especially as you and your family are integral to the wedding.

I think if she was that silly in expecting you then she'll have to face the consequences.

Original poster

SpawnChorus · 08/09/2009 19:54

Posie - I have to confess that I do feel that way...and then feel bad for being mean-spirited. She really has no idea about newborns and post-partum nether regions. Not helped by my Mum whose mantra has been "you'll be fiiiine".

I did mention a week or so ago that if I was coming I'd be wearing a black dress just in case of bleeding leakage, and she was shocked

OP posts:

Katisha · 08/09/2009 19:56

Perhaps you ought to fill her in a bit more about the aftermath of birth in case she thinks you are making it up/being a wimp/not bothered.

Original poster

SpawnChorus · 08/09/2009 19:59

Katisha - I have explained that after DCs 1 and 2 I could hardly sit down for at least a week! And I've also told her that the babies wanted to be fed almost constantly for the first few weeks, which will make a 400 mile car journey tricky.

They just seem to be sticking their fingers in their ears and saying lalalala!

OP posts:

Jacksmama · 08/09/2009 20:02

Good God. I can see your as-yet-childless sister being ignorant about postpartum matters, but did your mother actually give birth herself or did she hire someone to do it for her?
I cannot believe anyone who's had children could be so nutty as to suggest a 400 mile car journey with two small DCs and a newborn, mere days after giving birth. Or doing so while still pregnant.

WTF???

And the date was chosen after you told them your due date?? Then, for what it's worth, your sis will be bridesmaid-less and will have only herself to blame.

Sorry to be harsh, I see you did say your mum was lovely but daft... well... IMHO, this goes a bit beyond daft.

Acanthus · 08/09/2009 20:05

Oh there's just no way at all you can go. I agree though that a white lie is the way to go, to avoid upsetting her. But do also make sure you give a little TMI about tearing/bleeding/lack of sleep. Your sister needs a reality check!

Georgimama · 08/09/2009 20:07

I remember your first thread about this. Family still bonkers then?

If they are doing the fingers in the ears routine, just do the same. Ring her up, tell you aren't going, end of.

allaboutme · 08/09/2009 20:08

Every time one of them mentions it just say REALLY breezily 'yes, i'm really looking forward to it' as if you are going.
Then if you can go and you want to go on the day, go.
If you are still PG or have very recently had the baby call on the morning and wish her the best on her wedding day and you are so sorry that the baby hadnt arrived early enough for you to be able to make it.

If they wont accept NOW that the baby may be late or that you may be feeling rotten, then let them think that, dont stress out over trying to make them realise.
When/if it actually happens, they will HAVE to accept it!

poppy34 · 08/09/2009 20:10

Yep a white lie is in order then maybe a small family celebration to welcome the new lo and celebrate the wedding when you are ready. And your mum has the worst case of grandma amnesia inhave ever seen if she thinks this is a good idea

Original poster

SpawnChorus · 08/09/2009 20:15

My Mum had four DCs and the last two were very premature (6 weeks and 10 weeks). I guess maybe they didn't hurt so much as they were tiddly . I on the other hand seem to produce whoppers.

OP posts:

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