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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think sometimes parents make a bigger deal of starting school than their DC?

73 replies

fufflebum · 07/09/2009 10:46

Having just returned from dropping my DD off for her first morning at school it occured to me that as parents sometimes we can make more of a fuss than our children.

While I do appreciate that starting school is a significant life event in many ways having just left my DD I was suprised at how big a deal some of the parents seem to make it.

I was lucky that DD was really excited and was looking forward to starting but we have been very low key about starting school. We have talked about it in a very factual way and my DD seemed quite well adjusted about it as a consequence. She had tried on uniform and so forth and talked about what she thought it might be like. However, when I arrived at the school their were parents taking photos of their kids in front of the school gate. Dad, Mum and gran/grandad were their too. Is it any suprise that kids get anxious???

Is it just me that think sometimes such behaviour is unhelpful for our children???

OP posts:
Prinpo · 07/09/2009 11:26

Everyone needs to do what's best for them but also what's best for all the other kids around them. It only takes one to burst into tears and it can spread like wildfire! At dd's school this morning they got everyone to say goodbye in the playground, rather than going into the classroom with them, as has been the case in previous years. Some parents were a bit miffed but I think it was better for the children.

Photos are lovely, of course, but they don't need to be a comprehensive recording of every detail of the day...

bigchris · 07/09/2009 11:31

I just took photos at home

a dad today had bought his camera along for his 2 year olds first day at preschool, bless

paisleyleaf · 07/09/2009 11:44

I was thinking about this this morning (dropped DD off for her first day of school).
We'd been planning on DH coming too - but I'm so glad we changed our minds. DD's quite used to just me dropping her off at preschool, and if he'd come too it would have too much of a big deal (for my DD anyway).
The lad who was crying the most at drop off had his mum, dad and 2 brothers seeing him into the classroom - it was like he had to leave his whole family.
Of course I cried. But not until I'd got away from the classroom. (I also think if DH had been there then I'd've perhaps not been able to hold it in so well). But I was surprised at how many parents thought it okay to be a bit drama queen about it.

The thing is as well, I remember my nephew starting school a couple of years ago: photos sent round the family on the first morning etc. Then it turned out he didn't actually like school very much. And all the adults of the family would ask "how's school"? whenever they saw him - it all seemed to add to the pressure on him.

diddl · 07/09/2009 11:57

I´m in Germany.
It´s like a celebration for the new stage of the child´s life.
Also, leaving Kindergarten-they all go out on the last day & are presented with a "Schultüte" when they get back.
A cone shape made from card filled with sweets & also little things for school.
They take this in on the first day at school.
Any strangers seeing them with this stop, shake hands, congratulate them.

smee · 07/09/2009 12:13

That's very very sweet diddl. Had heard about it before, but had forgotten.

Pikelit · 07/09/2009 12:28

I took a photograph, at home, of ds1 before we walked to school on his first day. Looking back at it, the school uniform is definitely wearing the child! But it is a cute study for all that. I did similarly with ds2 on his first day although it was a rather more fluid shot! But arriving at school wasn't ever an excuse for a paparazzi shoot. It was all about saying cheery goodbyes and letting the boys start what their time at school in a low-key, independent sort of way. Given that we'd talked about starting school in the run-up for ds1 and that ds2 couldn't wait to get through the door, it seemed entirely appropriate to keep things emotionally sensible!

If I was a reception class teacher I'd ban sodding cameras!

MarshaBrady · 07/09/2009 12:31

Ds found it all a bit overwhelming anyway. So lots of very tall couples looming over the children in a very small room and a long haired guy bounding around for different angles kinda made it worse for him.

I admit it is a rather selfish desire to want to make things easier for ds (hates chaos and noise) than anything else. Oh and possibly a small dislike of long haired man - if it was anyone else I may have thought how sweet. Possibly.

Grumpyoldcaaaaaaaa · 07/09/2009 12:37

My eldest 2 have just been thrown in at the deep end and have started school in France. I had been really matter-of-fact about it and really only mentioned Wednesdays off (yay!). However my mother decided to fret around the girls about them starting school in France and 'how would they cope'. They were fine up till then.

DD2 had to be forcibly removed from me today, having spoken to my dear mother yesterday .

hazeyjane · 07/09/2009 13:12

Yabu

I think I manage to do a good job of passing on my anxieties without crying and making a dramatic scene, thankyou very much!

Dd1 has just started preschool (which was a big deal for me and her I should imagine, so I don't know why there is any need for the sarcastic 'bless' Bigchris?), she was scared and although I have talked to her about it in a positive way, and am so excited for her, isn't it just part of some peoples (children included) nature to be more wary or sensitive or anxious.

I had to physically hand her over to the teacher, whereas all the other parents were able to wave goodbye and their lo's seemed ok with that, I'm sure that might seem like I was an over clingy parent making a fuss, but surely everyone is different and has different needs.

"DD seemed quite well adjusted about it as a consequence" Do you assume then that all the kids that are crying and upset are like that just because of their parents fussing?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 07/09/2009 13:44

FWIW, YANBU. DD went back to school a couple of weeks ago and was thrilled to meet a new teacher and see her old class mates. One 'new' boy had been placed in her class, the mother of new boy took him to the classroom and helped him hang his coat on the hook then went in and sat on the floor with him. DD's teacher thought she'd go after registration, as she and newboy had spent a three hours there the day before on an orientation thing. This mother was very reluctant to leave when the teacher said her being in the class was disruptive. According to DD who reported this in gory detail, the mother waited in the playground and found her son at break, fed him with chocolate and generally geed him up so much he was in floods of tears when they had to go back in.
As a result of this (or maybe I'm reading too much into it) when dd goes on her school trip in two weeks time, she has to be dropped at school at 7.30 and the parents leave then. No going to the classrooms with them.

smee · 07/09/2009 14:41

hazey I think you're being a bit mean on the OP - she was commenting on some parents being ott, not saying that's the cause for all who cry. Of course some children get upset no matter how thoughtful their parents. Hope your lo's enjoying preschool now. Sounds like you handled it well to me.

BrieVanDerKamp · 07/09/2009 15:00

YABU,

you don't know everyones situation you can't possibly. My own situation for example:
My son is my youngest (and last) child, has not been to nursery or even away from me since he was born (serously, my mum has babysat like 3 times)I have spent literally every second with him since he was born. All of this because my 3rd child died when he was born and I have ever since felt such guilt. I can be OTT with regards to my sons safety and well being but who wouldn't be.
So as you don't know who may have been through something huge to make them over protective of their children you're being very unfair

My son started on Thursday, I did not make a fuss (had a cry when I got home), took photos at home before he went, No one at the school was behaving in a manner which you describe.

I have been very anxious about the whole thing, school have been very good, thankfully my son loves it and hasn't made a fuss (but aware that could change).

IMO any parents is entiltiled to do whatever they want, taking photo's, having grandparetns there etc.

I think it's really sad that some parents would just send their kids off to school without realising what a huge step it is and to think that the other parents are being OTT.

We will never be able to spend day after day with our babies doing exactly what we want with them and being able to see what they do or hear the funny little things they say, that is HUGE and anyone who dosen't feel that is being Very unreasonable, not the parents who make a fuss of their kids on their first day at school.

JudgeGibByTheCutOfHerJib · 07/09/2009 15:11

YABU

Live and let live and stop being so mean-spirited.

CatherineofMumbles · 07/09/2009 15:17

YANBU - some people are drama merchants and the poor kids have to live with it.

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 07/09/2009 18:54

And some people are po-faced judgemental gits, and their poor kids have to live with that

blueshoes · 07/09/2009 19:09

Dropped dd off at the breakfast club, so missed any histrionics, if any - business as usual in my household.

piscesmoon · 07/09/2009 19:22

I think it is one of those things that is growing-as in the school Prom (which has only come in in the last few years). I see there are now starting school cards!!
It is a big thing-mine were very low key starts, but I felt sad each time that my 'baby' was going out into the world!

Bellsa · 07/09/2009 19:33

YANBU. It seemed like the kids who were crying were the ones whose parents were. And this was winding the others up. Nothing wrong with a few pictures, but some of the wailing and gnashing of teeth was way OTT.

nellie12 · 07/09/2009 19:37

yanbu. I think it is important to stay calm for the kids (or at least that's what mine need) Any fussing should be done at home. It is disruptive and unsettling for other kids when there is a load of adults in class as they are trying to settle in in an unfamiliar environment.

southeastastra · 07/09/2009 19:40

i hated leaving my son, he was so little and cried and cried, they had to hold him while i ran away . i certainly wasn't crying before he went or do anything that would upset him beforehand.

fortunately he now goes in ok. (he is 8 after all)

GreensleevesFlouncedLikeAKnob · 07/09/2009 19:46

oh I expect he was "picking up on" your nerves SEA

little children can get upset when they start school. It IS a huge deal for parent and child. A HUGE deal. If it wasn't fopr you or your child, bully for you. Some children are little more than babies at this age, some have never been away from their parents for any length of time - nothing WRONG with either of those scenarios, but the children (and the parents) might need a little more time/compassion/reassurance.

A nervous or distressed little child needs to be comforted and supported - don't judge parents for doing that. And don't judge them for being excited and wanting to mark the occasion either.

I am getting really fed up with the harshness of people's attitudes to very young children starting school - there's almost a posturing quality to it. Thank goodness the teachers and TAs at my school are kinder and more in tune with the needs of very young new children.

it's not big and it's not clever

Clary · 07/09/2009 19:48

Oh dear we took photos on first day as well.
I like to have the record of the day tbh.

And both me and DH went along. (we don't normally)

No grandmas tho.

If it makes everyone feel any better, neither of us took them to their first day back today!

(Someone else did, don't worry! )

abra1d · 07/09/2009 19:49

YANBU. What a palaver some people put themselves through emotionally. All this weeping and renting of clothes. ;)

Taking photos is fun, though (not in the classroom, I mean, but in the garden at home).

Clary · 07/09/2009 19:50

I didn't rent any clothes.

Whaddya mean? We buy our school uniform here (joke)

But am genuinely puzzled - do you mean like a prom tux???

hazeyjane · 07/09/2009 20:05

Smee sorry if my post came across as harsh, but I agree with Greensleeves about the posturing attitude of some parents.

I just think that it is different strokes for different folks (sorry for the cliche!)

Dd1 had a great time at preschool, but burst into tears tonight when she realised that she would be going tomorrow too!

I like the idea of the German way, Diddl, it aounds lovely.