Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt that my husband doesn't seem to want a night out with me?

36 replies

NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 09:16

My parents, for the first time in...well ever really have offered to have the kids for a couple of hours tomorrow so me and dh can go out.

I am dead excited. Or at least I was. DH otoh, seems distinctly underwhelmed. He wants us to get a new computer and the idea of taking £20 out of the computer fund for a couple of hours out seems a problem to him.

He just doesn't seem bothered. I want him to be looking forward to spending some time alone with me. He seems to be seeing it as a chore.

Am I just being mardy?

btw - when I told him how I feel, he gave me face but didn't reassure me that no, he DID want to have some time with me, when I said I felt hurt (and i did just say it - no shouting, no tears, no dramatics!) he told me to drink my tea and calm down and it was too early for "all this" and now he's buggered off upstairs.

OP posts:
LovelyLulu · 04/09/2009 09:35

YANBU, you are understandably feeling that he's denied how you feel.

You could bring it up again calmly so it's unreasonable to be told 'calm down.' Does he always avoid confrontations?

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 09:42

Oh yes. He also does this thing whenever I say that I am unhappy about something. He smiles and says that I am being like my mother. Or that it is a very reaction. That is a very effective way of shutting me up! If I have any feelings about something - like today - then he'll say I'm tired, or some other reason for my 'outburst' rather than me actually feeling a certain way. It is very dismissive of my feelings.

He won't accept that I actually..ME..feel something. It has to be me being . But sometimes I feel a certain way. By dismissing it, he doesn't have to listen to me. It drives me crazy, tbh.

OP posts:
Tortington · 04/09/2009 09:50

he is amazingly manipulative, he sounds very nasty actually almost cruel.

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 09:55

Yes. It does seem cruel, doesn't it? When he came down (he's now gone out) he said he had been having "a little laugh to himself upstairs". Like my feelings are amusing, because they are so invalid.

When I said that I feel this way, he said sorry if I felt like that, it wasn't what I said but my "spitting out my dummy".

By this I assume he means that I said if he was worried about the money I would cancel my parents because I don't want to be on a night out with someone who is sitting there counting how much we are spending. I want him to WANT to be there with me, to be enjoying being with me, and if he doesn't feel that, I'd rather just cancel.

For this, he tells me he was laughing at me.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 04/09/2009 09:58

He is quite nasty isn't he? No advice I'm afraid. Sorry

LovelyLulu · 04/09/2009 10:01

You need to be assertive with him. I think he is cleverly manipulating, as Custardo says, he can get what he wants by saying you're like your mother or mentioning your hometown.

I am sure he's got his good points

If he says you are being like your mother, dont shut up, just say "This is how I feel" and your hometown has nothing to do with it. Stay calm, then he doesn't have the excuse of not listening to you. Or you could say "thank you for telling me how you feel, I respect that, but this is my point of view."

Difficult, I know.

LovelyLulu · 04/09/2009 10:03

If you just keep coming back to the argument calmly and just acknowledging what he's said, hopefully he will listen.

honeybehappy · 04/09/2009 10:09

I'd rather take the money and go out on my own. he sounds like a tosser.

claricebeansmum · 04/09/2009 10:12

I am sorry but your DH seems to be behaving very unpleasantly towards you. I agree that is is strange that he does not want to spend a couple of hours out with you when the opportunity arises and you're not having to fork out for a babysitter.

Take £20 and if he wont come with you then he can stay in with his in-laws and you can go to the cinema or something!

I'd be gutted if DH behaved like this and also laughing over your feelings seems very cruel.

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 10:13

you are right, he knows he can shut me up by telling me that. End of argument. what can i say to that? if I express certain feelings, I am being like my mother. He will never accept that they are MY feelings. or that I am entitled to them.

I say it over and over and over. He just smiles at me. He rejects any feelings or opinions that he decides are coming from my upbringing. It doesn't matter how many times I say I feel, he won't accept that I actually feel. Or he'll decide that I'll change my mind if I have a good sleep.

And while I'm having a good moan the other night I wanted some quiet time, just half an hour, with nobody talking to me, my on the computer, to unwind. He pulled up a chair and talked at me for THREE hours! In the end I was nearly in tears, begging him to just let me have some time to myself. I could have gone upstairs but to me that felt like 'giving in'. I kept saying what is so wrong with wanting some time on the computer with nobody in my face? nothing he said, but he still kept talking. In the end I got really cross with him, because he just kept talking and talking and I was pleading to be left alone but he wouldn't, I had tears in my eyes but he wouldn't back off.

I went to bed.

He followed me up.

He said "I love you, even when you're being a cow."

OP posts:
claw3 · 04/09/2009 10:14

Just tell him you are going out anyway whether he wants to or not.

claw3 · 04/09/2009 10:15

Oh and id take a more than £20,you cant get decently pissed for anything less than £50 these days.

LovelyLulu · 04/09/2009 10:18

NeverLeap, that is awful. I haven't any more advice on how to deal with him. Why has he such a problem with your upbringing? Maybe also try posting in relationships about this problem, maybe others will have more advice.

alypaly · 04/09/2009 10:19

why is it men get so boring and never seem to want to do anything with their partners. Stuck in rut comes to mind...my BF is just the same...he is always tired...never argues....never wants to do anything unless it is organised for him. I feel like ive got 3 kids instead of 2

LovelyLulu · 04/09/2009 10:19

And agree with the others, take the £20 and go to the pictures or something!

FairyLightsForever · 04/09/2009 10:22

Have you not got a girlie mate who you could go out with instead, have a nice night, then come back and say "I'm glad you didn't want to come out, I had a much better time with X!"

fizzpops · 04/09/2009 10:24

My DH is not that bad but he does freak out if he thinks I disagree with him sometimes because in his mind disagreement = argument = stress. I now understand this is where he is coming from so I always spend extra time reassuring him when we are discussing something that it is the situation that is pissing me off and not him - it works to a certain degree.

I'm not saying your DH is like this but always avoiding talking about or acknowledging your feelings is not necessarily about you but more about him and his fears and he needs to realise that he is putting something on to you (and in the process making you feel small and hurt) which is nothing to do with you.

Personally if someone ignores me or tries to change the subject like this it just makes me more determined to have the conversation they are so desperate to avoid. I think I have finally got through to DH that throwing insults to deflect me/ ignoring me/ saying he doesn't want to talk (without a good reason) etc are not going to wash and are more likely to result in an argument.

I would tell him that I was taking the £20 anyway and going out with my mother as we seem to be more on the same wavelength and he can stay in by himself and if he lacks entertainment he can recall your earlier comments and have a little chuckle to himself.

In the future when he says these things to try and put you off just say, 'I quite agree now are we going to take advantage of my parents' kind offer and go out?'

Hard work but I think once he accepts that the money is going to be spent and he is out hopefully he will relax and enjoy it.

Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 10:24

He sees things that disturb him!

dramatics
over emotional responses to problems
huffyness
inability to face problems
controlling woman! - my mum rules my dad, won't allow him friends or time to himself,or to do anything without her - even taking his car for MOT!!!

etc etc

all of which is actually true. sadly. but he uses that to stop me from expressing feelings that criticise him in any way, or express dissatisfaction.

I might link to relationships actually, thanks.

I might also leave him with my parents. That'd teach him!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn · 04/09/2009 10:28

that's very interesting fizzpops. He does close down. You can almost see the shutters come crashing down! As soon as he sees 'emotional', that's it, he's done and nothing you say from that point on will be taken notice of. I think it is a problem he has.

I am like you, I get desperate to have my feelings / opinion actually listened to. The more he dismisses me, the more frustrated I get, because I want him to hear what I am saying.

OP posts:
fizzpops · 04/09/2009 10:44

Funnily enough I have had to 'train' my DH that it is better for him to listen to me as he actually gets the true story. He used to see me get angry and put his own interpretation on why.

He had girlfriends in the past who didn't like him going out without them and assumed I was like this so if he said, 'I'm going out to the pub with X' and I said, 'OK' he read it as me being passive aggressive and tightlipped about it when in fact it was just no big deal. I had to get really angry with him and remind him of all the times I had encouraged him to phone friends to go out till he got it that I really didn't mind.

In my DH's case he has suffered from depression in the past and he has interpreted his low mood as tension in the house. It was a revelation to me when I realised he was living inside his own head so much he couldn't see clearly any more.

Perhaps you can use the 'you are like your mother' and 'hometown' accusations as a starting point to discover what he is really afraid of.

The talking to you for three hours thing, otoh, is something my DH would never do. His motto is 'Let sleeping dogs lie'! I find it more disturbing because you clearly told him you wanted space and it seems as though he was enjoying preventing you from having that.

CheerfulYank · 04/09/2009 10:45

Yeah, I say get all dressed up so you feel good about yourself and go out with friends. The next time he tells you he feels something tell him he's just being and see how he likes it. Also if you're ever in a situation again like the "he wouldn't leave you alone" thing, I would just calmly state "I've asked you to leave me alone. I need quiet time right now and I'll talk to you later," and then completely ignore any of his attempts to engage you.

LovelyLulu · 04/09/2009 10:53

NeverLeap, this may not be of any help, but there is a book called Dealing with People You Can't Stand, authors Dr Rick Brinkman & Dr Rick Kirschner, it describes difficult behaviours and possible ways of dealing with them. It's not difficult to read and there may be some helpful advice on how to deal with dh.

HolyGuacamole · 04/09/2009 11:10

I'd be sorely tempted to take the £20 too and have my own night out doing something nice without him.

That is a good idea, but it doesn't solve the problem that you have and why shouldn't you be able to have a cheap night out? That in itself doesn't solve the problem and it is him you want to spend time with.

The 3 hour verbal assault is horrendous, as is not allowing you to express your feelings without belittling you and stereotyping you. That must be extremely frustrating and incredibly infuriating......but you can't let him see frustration or anger.....because he turns it back on you for being a silly woman, unable to control your poor little self etc etc. Vicious cycle. He is allowed to verbally batter you, and any reaction you give is silly or controlling or a 'you're losing it' type of attitude. Grrr!

I'd be tempted to completely and utterly blank him, no matter what he says or does, until he decides to sit down and allow you to speak without and negative criticism of you from his side. He simply must listen to you or you will get nowhere with him. If he starts to listen and then starts to add in small verbal jabs, walk away until he is prepared to listen again. And tell him that this is what you are doing, say it once and once only. It's a battle of wills that you need to win and be strong enough to see it through.

I think he needs to be taught a new way to deal with you, that his verbal assaults do not get your attention whatsoever. When he is kind and open to you, he should get all of your attention, but when he is being an arse, ignore, ignore, ignore.

HolyGuacamole · 04/09/2009 11:12

my second paragraph should have read:

That is a good idea, why shouldn't you be able to have a cheap night out? That in itself doesn't solve the problem though as it is him you want to spend time with.

groundhogs · 04/09/2009 11:43

If he does the talking at you thing again? It's not giving up or in to take yourself upstairs (lock the bloody door) to a nice warm bath. It's the way i used to get my own half an hour of space, it's an evil person that deliberately disturbs a bath! Trust me, it has happened to me, but at least i had real reaaon to say wtf was so important you had to get me out of my bath???

Don't allow him to take that kind of an upper hand, if all you want is half an hour, take it. Jeez, you've earned at least that!

Sitting in plain sight can, and obviously will, be an invitation to a bully.

I'd take the money and run, if he wishes to come out, great, if not, cancel yr parents last minute and let the bugger babysit! That'll teach him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread