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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have wanted to be a SAHM and now hate it and cant adapt

29 replies

godblessmothernature · 03/09/2009 22:30

I always wanted to be a SAHM but I have been off for a long time due to problems in preganancy and PND which Im getting through my partner works long hours 8am to 9pm mainly,he likes to go out for a drink a few times in the week , I love it , mean I know but I can have the children in a routine and I know he wont come home and want to see them after he has been working late.
I feel so crap at having to ask for money when I used to be so independant, now I hate staring at four walls and want a career, adult conversation and my own money to contribute to their future I feel That I am being selfish as this was what I wanted was to have kids and be with them but now I cant breathe and need more mainly to be able to be secure abd be able to contribute and say I did that AIBU.

OP posts:
MillyR · 03/09/2009 22:36

There is nothing wrong with trying something, deciding it isn't right for you, and then changing your mind! There are lots of opportunities you will be able to take, now and in the future. This is true if you stay as a SAHM or go back to work.

You're doing the hardest bit at the moment, with very young children, and things will get easier.

Karam · 03/09/2009 22:39

I think the dream is always better than the reality. I thought I would want to be a SAHM, until I went on Mat leave. By the end of it, I couldn't wait to get back to work. TBH, I think working part time often allows the bets of both worlds, I have lots of time with my kids, but time for me too. I'm a happy mum, I have very happy kids (who love their childcare) so why not? Perhaps you could look at that as an option?

famishedass · 03/09/2009 22:40

Aw, MillyR's right. You tried it, it wasn't for you. It's quite a shock really, becoming a SAHM.

What about a part time job? They're like gold dust I know but if you're determined something should turn out to be do-able.

Original poster
godblessmothernature · 03/09/2009 22:44

Millyr and Karem I do want to go back to work part time my son starts school on Monday he was 4 last weekend, my 20 mnth DD needs more and so do I< I thought she could go to a childminder but I dont know where to start I used to work In a office and so confused what to do next?

OP posts:
LovelyTinOfSpam · 03/09/2009 22:45

Gosh not unreasonable at all.

I didn;t realise what hard work it really is. I am far more cut out for work than looking after children - my self esteem I have found out is very tied up in feeling that I have achieved in a paid work type environment.

Looking after kids is just so relentless.

Totally empathise.

Others talk sense - of course you can change your mind - work part time - loolk into different options.

MillyR · 03/09/2009 22:47

Not being sure what to do next could be a blessing in disguise. You can think about what is right for you, and what careers you would like to go into. You have a fresh start and can choose what direction to go in.

scottishmummy · 03/09/2009 22:48

so look into part time study,perhaps part time work.earn your own money.bit of something for you - mummy and working adult

Original poster
godblessmothernature · 03/09/2009 22:50

You have all been so lovely and thank you for giving me your time I'm glad their are other mums who understand thank you. xx

OP posts:
dmo · 03/09/2009 22:50

look on childcare information list for childminders in your area

Original poster
godblessmothernature · 03/09/2009 22:52

Thank you dmo I will xx

OP posts:
elkiedee · 03/09/2009 22:54

YANBU - I'm coming towards the end of my second maternity leave and have very mixed feelings about going back to work, but think I would find it very very hard to be a SAHM.

Obviously the job market is a bit more difficult at the moment than it was but there are part time office jobs around. The Childcare Information Service has a website with details of registered childminders (and nurseries) in your area and you can find out some information online, but you can also get more detailed information by ringing up and getting a printed list - many CMs understandably don't want their home details out there on the internet.

Have a look at sections of MN on returning to work and childminders for more information and advice.

Good luck.

luckylady74 · 03/09/2009 22:55

For the present - why do you have to ask for money. I'm a sahm and have never asked for money -we have a joint account and we both trust each other to spend wisely and discuss large purchases.
Is it reasonable for your partner to work such long hours and then not come home straight away several nights a week- priorities have to change when you have kids - my dh has certainly reduced the nights he goes out as have I.
Of course it's not unreasonable to change your mind! Explore part time work/study/whatever you like-these things evolve.

Original poster
godblessmothernature · 03/09/2009 23:06

Thank you Luckylady74, I dont have to ask for money as such, Because he does give me money and more if I ask we dont have a joint account , but I would love to be able to contibute instead of feeling like I can have money when I want,I feel I need to earn my own money instead of just being given his this is just how I feel personally
I am looking to work part time but not sure what to study or where to go next thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Pikelit · 04/09/2009 00:51

I quite understand where you are coming from so far as the money thing is concerned. Even if you don't actually have to ask, there's still something fundamentally uncomfortable about spending your partner's dosh. I fully expected to go back to work after mat leave but once ds1 was born, realised how little I fancied the idea of being separated during his first years. Fortunately we were able to afford this. However, I'd had more than enough of being a SAHM by the time ds1 started school and ds2 was at playgroup.

I didn't go back to what I'd done before but went to an agency where, after leaving my cv, I was offered the chance of becoming assistant manager of it and started work p/t the following week. Had I had more time to start considering options I'd have faffed around for a deal longer and got a deal more irritated with myself. Once I'd got back to work I found it very much easier to decide on further study too.

So no. YANBU. There's only so much staying at home that some of us can be doing with.

LastTrainToNowhere · 04/09/2009 01:31

I thought I loved my job and agreed to go back to work in 5 months. Then dd came along and I realised that I wanted more than anything in the world was to be home with her till she went to school. I now work for myself from home.

Times change, your opinions change. You tried it, it didn't work out. No shame in saying enough. Your child isn't going to benefit if you're hating your lifestyle choice.

So YANBU

OtterInaSkoda · 04/09/2009 09:25

YANBU! I worked a couple of nights a week in a restaurant to start off with. It was brilliant - I got to socialise and earned some money for me.

junkcollector · 04/09/2009 09:42

Yanbu at all. When I worked I imagined being a SAHM would be all baking and fresh country walks. Mostly it's laundry, inane conversation at baby groups and throwing bits of bread at completely uninterested ducks. Bloody baking with a toddler is not all it's cracked up to be either.

Have you looked at the website Women Like Us?
They provide coaching for women returning to work and have part time jobs etc. I'm thinking about a part time job too now.

weaselbudge · 04/09/2009 09:42

I think a lot of the problems with how you feel (lack of self-esteem) are coming from your partner - for example you say you want to be able to contribute. Don't you think that by being a SAHM you are contributing SO MUCH - I don't understand why there is such a view that being a SAHM is not a job (at least when kids are little). I am a SAHM after what some might call a "high-flying" career in the city and would find it extremely difficult if I didn't have such a wonderful partner - he constantly tells me how much i contribute, we have a joint account, he always discusses big purchases with me and I never ever consider that it is HIS money. We both earned the same before I gave up work and it was a joint decision that we didn't want full-time childcare (part-time not an option for me). Therefore why should it suddenly be HIS money???
I do struggle sometimes and would LOVE to do a part-time job but as someone else has said, they are like gold-dust particularly when you need to earn enough to cover childminder/nursery. So i don't think YABU but I do think you need a joint account and your partner needs to give you more appreciation to raise your self esteem. In the meantime goodluck with finding parttime work.

indiechick · 04/09/2009 10:01

Junkcollector, so glad you feel like I do about toddler baking.
OP YANBU, you tried it, it isn't for you, time to move on. A happy mummy means happy children. Good luck with whatever you decide.

CheerfulYank · 04/09/2009 10:07

YANBU! I work part time and it's the perfect balance for me. I pick DS up at daycare every day at noon, so he has already had lunch. We hang out in the back yard for a bit and then have some quiet stories before he's ready for a nap and I'm ready for a few hours of ME TIME!

I know some mothers who do full time work and others who couldn't imagine leaving their DC. It's about what's right for you. I love my situation, no matter what my annoying lovely mom says about her precious only grandchild being in daycare at all. (You can't tell, but I'm rolling my eyes now!)

narna · 04/09/2009 10:09

I have felt exactly the same and i think PND has a lot to answer for.
Its only now my DC are almost 4 and 2 that i have realised i am actually ENJOYING this rather than enduring it.
I expected to love it and felt disappointed in myself that i didnt .
Its bloody hard work this parenting lark.

nickytwotimes · 04/09/2009 10:12

Yanbu.
It is dull being at home all day with a restless toddler.
I am a sahm atm as my job was so shite that even being bored senseless is preferable and we can manage without the (piddling) cash, but I look forward to ds going to school in a few years so I can re train and have something interesting to do.
Life is boring, whether you work or not; it is down to you as an individual to decide what you can live with. Absolutely nothing wrong with wanting A Life.

TheChilliMooseisyourfriend · 04/09/2009 10:26

YANBU. Being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world. I'm looking forward to Ds starting nursery so I can work part-time.

scottishmummy · 04/09/2009 19:05

i take issue SAHM is certainly not hardest job in world.

and risible to say so

nickytwotimes · 04/09/2009 19:44

God, no, it is not hard at all.
Boring, isolating, relentless,monotonous drudgery, but for me it beats working for a living tbh. It's ain't easy, but no, it is far from the hardest job in the world!