A new baby issue - I may well be BU!

[changeychangey]

I've changed my name!! But am a very longstanding mumsnet user!!

My sister is in labour at the moment. I'm very excited at the prospect of a new niece or nephew - kind of hoping for a niece as I have 5 nephews already!! Its taking a while, but its her first, so understandable - my first labour was 2 days.

She has conceived through IVF on her second attempt, and I am delighted for her and her partner. Its not an issue I ever had as I managed to get all mine through natural conception - I suspect as I was a lot younger then her when it happened.

I'm getting seriously cross with the rest of my family though. Sister (not the pg one), brother and parents going on and on about how this baby is so special and how important it is that she has a good birth and how tragic it will be if anything goes wrong.

I can see how it means a lot - this is likely the only child she will have, and I am delighted for her. BUT - are my children not special? Would it not have been tragic if something had happened to them? Parents saying "I hope she doesn't lose the baby in labour (a cousin had a stillbirth 2 years ago) - that would be so tragic given what they went through to get pregnant. Yes, it would. But wouldn't it have been equally tragic for me, or for my other brother's wife, who is due in 6 weeks and is also hacked off with the attention sis is getting.

I am probably BU, looking for attention when my sister deserves it. I just don't think my kids are any less "special" because dh and I conceived them naturally rather than via IVF.

Congratualtions.

What wonderful news for them and your family.

(just hope you don't now get the PFBsuperchargedwithIVF ace card that we've had)

Congratulations on your niece!!

congrats!

My sister has had IVF as she is in a same-sex relationship, so its not like she was trying for years.

When I had my kids, she wasn't in a relationship and she was totally disinterested.

Actually, I was just passing on news of new arrival to dh, and he has figured it out - sadly, my parents are not totally approving of my sister's relationship choices. They also don't like her partner, which I knew.

So they (well Mum mainly - she's the disapprover!) are possibly overcompensating for feeling bad about it - which makes a lot of sense.

Would just like to add (oh no! I have turned into a drip feeder!) that I might have 3 dcs but I have had 5 mcs inc one at 19 weeks ....

So you would think the "special" thing would apply there too.

But no.

Think my dh has hit it on the head actually (see previous post) - shoudl have asked him before I posted in AIBU!!!

YANBU - I have twin neices who were IVF and they are treated differently to all they other 10 grandchildren, I appreciated the parents went through a lot to have them, but it's not always easy for others to conceieve but don't need the IVF. It does annoy me that they get bought things and get more attention than the others (not just mine). SIL then went on to conceive naturally (a surprise baby) and then this was one was SOOO special also - a miracle baby apparently! So everyone elses are just 'normal'!! I think my complaint is just that SIL expects her children be treated preferentially (but maybe that's come from all the extra attention they were given), but I just think they should all be treated pretty much the same.

Obviously at the moment and for the next few weeks all the attention should be on your sister due to her being in labour and having a new baby, but long term, IMO all the children in a family should be treated similarly.

I'm going to tell my dh someone thought he was "sage".

Now I need to go to the loo. Laughing at this has reminded me that 3 "normal" babies have damaged my pelvic floor!!

Sounds like it is not so much the baby that they consider to be special, but more the circumstances.

I would try not to take it personally about your children, I'm sure the family are just keen to see this new baby reach the world safely so all the trauma of trying and failing to conceive and then trying IVF and all the waiting and hoping and wondering if it will work etc etc can all be put to bed and they can get on with just enjoying their child/grandchild. If there have been question marks all the way through from trying to conceive to worrying about miscarriage etc, then of course they will be very relieved to see the baby delivered safely.

I know lots who have been through the trauma of losing pregnancies and struggling to get pregnant with IVF, and the deliveries were somewhat different in the sense that a live, healthy baby is the outcome that has been so very difficult to achieve and they have never quite been sure if it would ever happen, and finally they can celebrate that their baby is finally here.

Of course, it doesn't detract from the wonderousness of delivering your own healthy baby, but I do think it is slightly different (not better/worse/more special or anything, just different) when it has been such an uphill struggle to get there.

Sorry OP, I wrote before I saw your post about your MCs. Very sorry to hear that - maybe your family were saying exactly the same things about your deliveries while you were in labour, just not to your face, maybe so as not to worry you, but just talking amongst themselves.

I know what sibling rivaly is like - try not to let it get to you too much. I'm sure that once the baby is born and a bit older and settled into the family, things will even out again.

I am off now to change back to my normal mn name and kack around on chat etc offer sage advice to the masses ....

Thanks for your input. I'm looking forward to travelling 100 miles this afternoon to visit my niece - taking kids to meet their cousin will be lovely!

Thanks Annie -

I have nintendo ds, books, snacks etc packed for the car, dh has persuaded work to let him leave early, and school are letting the kids out at 2!

The perils of living "oop norf".

Or, to be more precise, the perils of choosing to move "dawn sarf" cos everyone else apart from dsis is up here!!!

I'm excited! A niece at last - there are 5 boys between me and dh's family. My girls are going to be delighted with a "girl cousin" even though she is quite far away! Ds doesn't care. He has boys to play football with. A baby, who is also a girl, probably won't register (he's 9!!)

@changeychange...
i can only hope to be as green with jealousy as you some time in the future. Go and give your sister a big big cuddle and let her be as much of a primadonna as she wants.

Parents are annoying when babies turn up - I'm sure mine annoyed the crap out of everyone else when DD was born ('oh, the first grandchild!!' 'how wonderful for OOM after all the crap with M/cs' though they wouldn't have said that to my face for fear of reminding me of dark things..)

if she's anything like my sister, she'll be telling you what to do with your kids before long

Rather than start a new thread, I thought I'd just update on this one!

My new niece is gorgeous - 7lb something i forget and she has got my sister's bright red hair - she's practically indistinguishable from my sis as a baby. Very sweet. All went well with the delivery and she seems to be feeding well.

However..... (isn't there always one!!)

We drove just over 100 miles yesterday afternoon in some awful traffic, to go and visit - sister had been very excited on the phone the other day (before delivery) that we should all come down, let the cousins meet etc. I had suggested that we should leave this until she got home, but she was insistent that they all came. I even phoned the maternity ward to check bringing school-age cousins in was OK, and checked again that my sister was happy that they came. She was. SO we got them out of school early (not too bothered about this as first week back) and headed off. I had my phone on and have done the drive often enough to know there is a signal the whole way.

So we got there. Sister would not let my children in to the (private) room she was in. Said our mother had said that new baby was "too precious to risk" and that she had decided my kids might be infectious with something. This is the same mother who encouraged older cousins to be all over my children within hours of birth.

Mum and Dad stood there with my sister in the bed and said that as my children had had Swine Flu recently (4 weeks ago) and had been back at school (for 2 days) that it wasn't safe for them to be anywhere near this "miracle".

I was surprised they let me hold her. I had to hold her up to the window in the door to let my dc's see her, then drive 100 miles home.

We went to Maccy D's and drank Fruit Shoots! I let dh drive home, I was too angry to do so.

Message on the answering machine when we got in last night - no-one can understand why I was so "irresponsible" to come with my "possibly infectious" kids - from my Dad.

I will speak to dsis tomorrrow when she gets home (she's a bit torn and is getting to stay in an extra day) and see if she still wants me to go next week. I'm mad, though, that I did a 200 mile round trip with the children when I had it all cleared in advance.

I just can't figure out the dynamics of it at all - I am truly bewildered by what happened!!

Given that you'd checked and double-checked, I'd have been a bit miffed (understatement) at that, too.

Maybe just back off now until someone asks you to go? Leave them to it. I would, however, speak to your parents and explain how you feel and that you took your 'infectious' children because your sister had asked you to.

Backing off is my plan.

My (our) parents are staying down there until Tuesday I think - I was due to go Wed - Sun. I'll speak to my sister about whether she really wants that, btu without my parents around, should be OK I think.

Basically, my sister knows that my parents don't approve of her relationship, so when they are around she will do anything to be on their side - and you can hardly blame her for that!

Just to remind you I was going without the children, - dh has got 3 days a/l to look after them while I trot off to do sistery babyish things!

TBH, I´m surprised that the hospital said it was OK to take non siblings to visit a newborn.

But was it your mother or your sister doing the preventing?

I was surprised at that too !! - that's why I called to ask and they said as long as the children were not ill and had not been exposed to an infectious disease and used the hand gel, it would be ok. I mentioned that they had had Swine Flu in the holidays and the midwife said "oh thats ok then"

Think it was possibly as sis has private side room she paid for?? Dunno.

Mum, Sister, Dad - all doing the preventing in their own little/big way. At least Dad had the decency to go outside and talk to my kids/give them sweeties, Mum didn't even do that.

breathe ... breathe ... breathe ...

I have to not let this bother me, just get on with my nice weekend at home! ANd be thankful for my lovely new niece!

Your parents are PITA.
And very silly indeed.
It does still sound as though they are over-compensating but they are taking it too far - why alienate one DD for the sake of the other?
Daft buggers.
And they shoudl have thought about infection risk waaaay before suggesting that all your DCn came with you.
& for you.

Always find it bewildering when parents exacerbate problems between their own children. You'd think all they would want is for them to get on for everyones sake why they seem to make problems worse is hard to understand. My ILs do this too - they recently escalated a perfectly innocent remark by DH into a fall out between the two (normally easy going) brothers. Grrr.