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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be interested in this man?

33 replies

hatesponge · 01/09/2009 23:19

Friends are trying, in the nicest way, to get me together with someone.

On paper we have a lot in common, similar age, jobs, both single parents with shared custody of DC around same ages.

He is financially solvent (well off in fact) own house and car, etc.

He's a really nice bloke, I know he thinks I'm very pretty and charming - he has told other people this.

BUT - theres alway a but, isn't there - I don't fancy him at all. Physical attraction is really important to me, and there isn't any.

Also I think he probably is too nice for me. I don't do 'nice' men - the nicest guy I have ever had a relationship with was lovely, but sadly already had a DW & DC....so that probably says something about the usual twats I end up with that he was the best

Friends views are that he is lovely, will treat me like a princess, and do anything for me. And they say the whole physical attraction thing hasnt done me very well so far, perhaps I need to try something new?

So are they right - AIBU?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/09/2009 23:23

Up to half-way through I was agreeing with you, but once you get to the part about him being too nice for you....! Gah.

Be kind to yourself. Go out for a drink with the nice man - you may surprise yourself.

I didn't do nice men, but there is one snoring in bed next to me now and he's been there for 5 years. I love him dearly and wouldn't be without him for the world. If I had stuck to my 'rule' of thinking I didn't deserve a nice guy (which is essentialy what you're saying) then I wouldn't be so happy now.

So, YABU - IMVHO

Alambil · 01/09/2009 23:26

I'll have him if you pass!

YABU - what's all this "I don't desereve a nice man" bull..? come ON woman - just try it

LaurieFairyCake · 01/09/2009 23:26

I think fancying can be grown. I never used to think that but I do now.

And maybe you deserve a 'nice' man. Nice doesn't necessarily mean emasculated or wet.

My dh is the nicest guy in the world but he's still a challenge and is brilliant at arguing.

You could go out with him a few times, snog when ready, see if you're open to it.

Just don't write him off.

Rindercella · 01/09/2009 23:27

Forget about him being too nice for you. That's rubbish, you deserve a heck of a lot more than a twat, so don't aim low on the niceness front

But...if you don't fancy him I would say there's little chance of it working out with this particular man. You could go on a date with him. Perhaps some one-to-one contact might make him more attractive to you? Unfortunately though, you can't make yourself fancy someone. I have tried it and it was horrible.

You can find nice and fanciable. These men are few & far between, but they do exist

Rindercella · 01/09/2009 23:29

Btw, by one-to-one contact, I meant drinks and dinner. Nothing else, I promise. Unless of course you found after a few drinks and dinner that he was actually rather attractive after all

Fruitbeard · 01/09/2009 23:30

DH is nice.

I didn't fancy him at all (but really enjoyed his company) til our second date, where he gave me a ribena-flavoured kiss goodbye (he'd been drinking rum & black). I don't know why, but that just did it for me.

22 years later, we're still together. He's still nice. I fancy the bollocks off him.

Original poster
hatesponge · 01/09/2009 23:35

I'm not sure I meant that I didn't deserve a nice man....more that he is just such a nice guy I wouldn't want to mess him around or get his hopes up (if that doesnt sound too arrogant).

Am going to a big function in a couple of weeks time which he will also be at, so I might try and spend a bit more time with him then - he'll be in black tie & given that makes all men look great, I guess if I dont even fancy him a little when all dressed up, its probably not going to happen

OP posts:
thesecondcoming · 01/09/2009 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickyvic · 01/09/2009 23:38

and sometimes it grows on you....my DH is really nice, but i deserved nice.

the older he gets the more i want to jump his bones....
weve been together for 20 years now, he is looking better with age, a bit more rugged - he says he is growing into himself,

nice!

Rindercella · 01/09/2009 23:43

Black tie do eh?

Well, he could end up looking something like this

And then when you go on holiday, looking phwoar

ilove · 01/09/2009 23:43

I have a nice man...had him nearly 16 years now! I, too, thought he was too nice for me...

and I adore him in a suit/black tie!

jemart · 02/09/2009 00:02

Bad boys are over-rated, nice is definitely the way to go!

Original poster
hatesponge · 02/09/2009 00:15

Rindercella - lol although I have to admit, I don't really fancy him either - as a disclaimer I must point out that the man who likes me in no way resembles Daniel Craig....before I get bombarded by requests for his number!

now if in turns out that in black tie he looks like this it will be a different story altogether [shallow, shameless hussy emoticon]

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/09/2009 08:04

mmm - that is a good picture of RPJ! Yum

Hatesponge - that sounds like a good idea. If you can fancy them in black-tie then all is not lost. Don't force it, but don't rule it out.

I know what you mean about not wanting to lead him on and hurt him, very much to your credit that you feel that way . Good luck!

GossipMonger · 02/09/2009 08:11

Just 'court' him then , the oldfashioned way.

I didnt fancy my Italian chef til my Mum 'made' me give him a chance!

It's our 10th WA next year and he is lush!

pjmama · 02/09/2009 08:42

Ooo Rindercella! It's a bit early for that, I'll have to go lie down....

Seriously, give him a go - he might surprise you

MaryBS · 02/09/2009 08:45

I have a nice man too - and after everything that has happened the past two years, during which I was almost totally unbearable and he still stuck by me, I am SO glad he's mine

Give him a chance, break the cycle of nasty men!

warthog · 02/09/2009 08:47

give it a go!

this 'he's too nice' bullshit. then you get cross when you go out with a wanker.

you've got nothing to lose.

Overmydeadbody · 02/09/2009 09:00

hatesponge I knoe where you are coming from.

I know a man, who on paper, would seem perfect for me, and we get on quite well, but I truly don't fancy him, to the point where I find him quite physically repulsive now.

He tried and tried to get together with me, and the more he tried, the more I really didn't like him.

Sometimes, if someone just doesn't do it for you physically, it doesn't matter how perfect they may seem on paper, it's just not gonna happen.

Having said that, physical attraction can grow the more you get to know someone, so there is no harm in getting to know him better.

BouncingTurtle · 02/09/2009 09:01

My DH is too nice too

But he is an amazing person and we couldn't be happier - we've been together about 10 years now.

Anyway, your nice man might be a complete stallion in the sack

ABetaDad · 02/09/2009 09:03

hatesponge - I do think you do have to fancy someone or at least think them good looking to start with but of course that is not enough to sustain anything.

On the other hand, I suspect that it is possible to wrongly reject someone who is really good looking just because they are not my type. That might be what you are doing here?

DW said she thought I was good looking (few others have) when we met but she was used to going out with a very smooth, confident, charming, night club lothario types and she really did not like me at all as I was the complete opposite.

You should give it a try in relaxed, low pressure setitngs. Not like formal dates that raise expectations. Tell your friends to back off a bit too. You deserve a nice man.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/09/2009 09:07

If you dont want "nice" maybe this is what you are looking for?

Seriously, try getting to know him a little, you might be surprised.

HelenaBonhamCarter · 02/09/2009 09:08

It depends.

You might be sensing something about him...some guys are v passive aggressive and want someone they can just do everything for and then resent for not liking them enough...if you get my drift.

Get to know him a bit and then make up your mind about how genuine he is. For me to fancy someone I need to respect them a LOT and also know they find me very special, not just pretty and charming.

HelenaBonhamCarter · 02/09/2009 09:09

also if he is that nice, try to find out why his first marriage didn't work out. Someone must know.

QuintessentialShadows · 02/09/2009 09:09

It is not like you are going to sign and agreement and straight away agree to be in a relationship.

You would have to let it develop naturally and see where it takes you. I also think that friends pressurizing is a big turn-off... So do ask them to back off a little and let nature take its course.

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