To dislike it when a mother's boyfriend is called 'stepfather'

[Nancy66]

he's not the step father - he's the current boyfriend of the mother.

I think it must be incredibly confusing for the children and it also denegates the role of stepfather.

Nancy66 has obviously offended a lot of people by her post. But whilst not wanting to speak for her, I interpreted her post as meaning should a mother's boyfriend automatically be deemed as the stepfather? Junglist put it well when she said "if a man is committed to his partners children and treats them as his own, he can be called a stepfather". I think perhaps it's the instances where a mother has a boyfriend living with her and the role of "father" is not neccessarily on the man's mind. It's almost like an inherited title until they decide to step up to the mark.

Whilst we don't know the full circumstances in this instance, one can't help suspecting that being a true "stepfather" was perhaps not uppermost in this particular man's mind

glasjam - yes, thank you. Well put and much more inline with what I actually meant, unfortunately, MN doesn't offer an editing facility so you can only get your point across by further posts - which people tend to not read.

I understood what Nancy meant too

the title of stepfather has to be earned, and not all men who happen to be seeing a particular woman are willing/able to do it

OK I do see your point a little: people who have relationships with parents do not automatically become step-parents: to become a step-parent you would generally be either living in the house with the DC (or, if your new partner is the NRP, living with your new partner and being involved with the DC when they are visiting the NRP.)
But becoming a step-parent isn't compulsory when you date a parent, either. It;s not wrong to have casual, uncommitted relationships when you are a parent, to have fuckbuddies that you only see when your DC are not with you.
And it's not wrong to enjoy a casual relationship with a parent but not want to be involved with that person's DC, as long as you are not actively unkind to them and accept that their needs tend to take priority over yours in your friend's life.

I agree with Nancy66. I also interpreted her OP as the latest bloke rather than a long term relationship. It makes no difference if a couple are married though. A stepfather is someone who knows the children, cares for them and plays a real part in their lives. You are do not automatically earn the title of stepfather because you sleep with a mother.

Same goes for stepmothers doesnt it?

On another forum I got into a huge argument with a 20 year old who had been going out with someone for 3 mths. He had a DD who lived with mum. This newbie insisted on calling herself a stepmother and was asking for advice on how to get full custody of the DD as mum was rubbish. She insisted DD would be better with her because she would have her own room and they would go shopping a lot.

I often wonder about that little girl (the DD not the 'stepmother')

Anyway I go off the point as usual. I think the media dub (there is tabloid word for you) any man who has contact with a mother 'stepdad'. So if a casual boyfriend abuses or kills a child it is 'stepdad murders child'. This is not fair and only reinforces the idea that stepparents are wicked.

Nancy, the story you're referring to, it said the girl herself called the boyfriend 'dad' so to her he was her stepfather. So why do you object?

solid - i agree, nothing wrong with casual relationships or fuck buddies, just don't call them 'step father.'

Chegirl - yes same would go for stepmother but it seems to happen less presumably because the mother usually keeps custody of the child.

Lyra - yes, she did call him 'dad' - i don't object, just find it sad and a bit disturbing.

Chegirl, that couple might not even be together now after all that.
Which I guess is Nancy66's point.

A mum having a few boyfriends is one thing, but for children to have a few stepfathers in their time must be confusing.

My mum's 'current boyfriend' of 23 years is my stepfather...

Isn't the point that a stepfather (or mother) has made a serious and (hopefully) considered commitment to someone else's child? And that ascribing step-parent status to anyone who happens to be having sex with a biological parent degrades that commitment and undermines the significance of "serious" step-relationships?

Schnitzel, what would you define as commitment? How long would they have to be together to be considered committed? Some couples are committed to each other after 6 weeks. Other take years.

Sorry, you were talking about commitment to the child. But what form would that have to take? Adoption?

I think it's probably attitudinal, although for example someone said earlier on the thread that her partner had parental responsibility for her child. The point is more that media tends to use the label very loosely, rather than giving step-relationships any moral or emotional weight.

The paper I read (the Independent) and the news I saw last night (Channel 4 news) both referred to the mother's boyfriend in this case, and didn't use the word stepfather.

op, yanbu!

My mum lived with her now dh for over 10yrs, they got married the year i had my ds. He's not grandad, and i do correct everyone who says it. Ds HAS a grandad, MY father.

My neices and nephews have grandad (my stepfather) and grandpa (my dad).

Obviously you don't feel your stepfather is a grandad to your kids but that's personal and will be different in different families.

In my family stepfathers are equal to fathers, and are equal grandparents too.

My stepmother is granny by the same token.

If a child has only known a man in a grandad capacity married to his granny then I don't see that calling that man grandad does any harm as unlike a dad you often have more than 1 grandad. I think alot depends on the parents attitudes though, for instance my stepkids were discouraged from calling their maternal grandfathers second wife grandmother by their mum, despite her being married to him since they were born, where as when their mum remarried she was very keen for the kids to call her new husbands' parents granny and grandad.
This was more to do with the mum resenting her father remarrying, but wanting to bond with her new husband's family than how close her children were to these adults, as they were far closer to their grandad's wife.