Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To dislike it when a mother's boyfriend is called 'stepfather'

68 replies

Nancy66 · 01/09/2009 12:38

he's not the step father - he's the current boyfriend of the mother.

I think it must be incredibly confusing for the children and it also denegates the role of stepfather.

OP posts:
Tiredmumno1 · 01/09/2009 13:15

i was thinking the sane thing ladyeven, imagine mum and uncle dave walking down the road holding hands, does sound a bit odd lol. and it is their ability to care for a child how a father should.

Tiredmumno1 · 01/09/2009 13:16

same sorry

alwayslookingforanswers · 01/09/2009 13:18

why couldn't he have been the step-father if they'd only been together a year?

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/09/2009 13:18

And it is not only "step-Parents" who abuse children, so really that is not a very good point to make.

I knew a little girl who was sexually abused by her biological father so badly she had to be couterised (sp) internally yet her step sister was not abused.....nor was her half sister....so that proves a point. as sad as it is, some people are violent, or sexual abusers and it is irrelevant whether they are the biological or step parent.

2rebecca · 01/09/2009 13:21

I don't think marriage is important. If you are living with someone as man and wife and the other person is a parent then you are effectively a stepparent. I lived with my husband for 3-4 years before we got married and one of the things that spurred me to get married was husband's ex patronisingly referring to me as a girlfriend where as her partner that she'd married after knowing him a few months was a "stepfather". The stability of the realtionship with the parent and length of relationship and living together make you a stepparent, plus having a relationship with the child. A marriage ceremony is irrelevent.

IUsedToBePeachy · 01/09/2009 13:26

Hmmmm

MIOL's partner, with him for 40 years, stepmother to her in every way (absent mother)

relationship under a ayear- not

all in middle- as suits family really

MorrisZapp · 01/09/2009 13:27

YABVU

I'd say that a stepfather is a man who treats you as his own child but isn't your real dad.

My mum only got round to marrying my DSF after 20 years - I wasn't going to spend 20 years referring to my mum's 'boyfriend' as if he was some hunk who popped round to shag her on a Friday night.

That man brought me up, and that counts for a hell of a lot more then a marriage certificate.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 13:29

Nancy - I understand where you are coming from, to call baby p's a step father is an insult to step parents and he probably should be referred to as a partner, as he was in no way a father figure to the poor little boy, nor did he take on any of the responsibilities associated with being a parent of any kind.

Unfortunately neither does the mother, deserve to be called a mother in that respect, but she is.

shelleylou · 01/09/2009 13:29

DP is ds's stepfather and i havent been with him a year yet. He will do anything a father should do for my ds. In fact hes done a hell of a lot more than exp has done for ds since the day he was born!!

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/09/2009 13:37

Shelley, that was the same here too. Have now been with dp for almost 4 yrs we and you know what he is a better father to ds1 who is his step son than he is to ds2 who is his biological son.

shelleylou · 01/09/2009 13:57

I think that can be part of prooving to DSC that they love them too.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 13:57

Thelady - Did you just say your DP is a better father to his step son than he is to his biological son, as if that was a good thing?

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/09/2009 14:12

Claw, yes he is, he takes ds1 fishing, days out etc does a lot more with him but then our ds2 is only a baby still. And he is very much a mummys boy lol.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 14:16

Oh right got you, I understand now more age appropriate than favourtism.

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/09/2009 14:27

Claw oh I dunno about that tbh, DS2 is my baby iyswim? where as ds1 although not biologically dp's is his. They have a lot in common like annoying me fishing tv games etc. And DS2 is mine through and through, everything about him is me.

OtterInaSkoda · 01/09/2009 14:31

YANBU, if you mean that it's wrong to assume that a mother's partner is her children's stepfather. My mother's boyfriend was a complete dick. They were together for years, from when I was about 8. i was an adult when they split up. There is absolutely no way on Earth that he was my stepfather - he did bugger all for me and so remained my mother's boyfriend. On the other hand a friend of mine got together with her partner when her dc was a baby. He became the dc's dad within a couple of months and 10 years on there's no step about it.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 14:38

All of my son's (3 of them)started off as MY babies. They quickly became daddy boys at about age 5/6 and back to mummy boys at about 15.

My 5 year old and 15 year old are currently mummy, my 13 year old is very much a daddy boy at the moment!

I think they go through stages up to about 5 they realise mum's are usually the soft touch.

5 -15 they are establishing their manliness and relate to dad.

15 + they need money and lifts and want to stay out later, hence back to mum!

junglist1 · 01/09/2009 14:38

If a man is committed to his partners children and treats them as his own, he can be called a step father. This has to be in a long term relationship because any man could think he wants the children in the first flush of love. That poor girl by the way.

TheLadyEvenstar · 01/09/2009 14:42

Claw, DS1 was always my baby until I met DP and he was 7 then, since then i have been redundant...until i had urchin child DS2. and he won't even let me go to the toilet without following me, when he is unwell (last night arghhh) no matter what DP tries he only wants ME

thesecondcoming · 01/09/2009 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nancy66 · 01/09/2009 14:57

thesecondcoming - did you even read the thread? clearly not.

I'm not talking about marriage.

OP posts:
claw3 · 01/09/2009 15:00

Well fishing and tv games sound very tempting (he sounds like a good dad) put ds2 on a bit of elastic just in case

thesecondcoming · 01/09/2009 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 01/09/2009 15:05

journo looking for inspiration, by any chance?

Original poster
Nancy66 · 01/09/2009 15:06

I am journalist - but i don't look to MN for my inspiration.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread