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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect back up from ym DH with this...

74 replies

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 08:33

my adult son has come back home after being at uni and it's causing all kinds of problems with me and DH. Son was working for a while, now unemployed despite having a higher degree.

He recently had a birthday and received money from my brother and my best friend ( his Godmother). he has made some but not much effort to thank them both- phoned and they were out. I have constantly reminded him as I knw they both get rightly peeved about not being thanked ( not just by him but by anyone) and he just ignores me and says he'll do it later . Reminded him last night again just as DH was taking him to the oub for a "pep talk" re. being unemployed and applying for work. I suggested he made the thank-you calls before they went out- DH just let him off the hook and didn't back me up. We had a major row- one of many- where I feel I am on my own and he is not setting similar standards.

OP posts:

Tortington · 01/09/2009 08:35

if your son is acting like a twat by not thanking people for his presents then let him look like the twat he is.

this is nothing to do with your dh

and all to do with your frustrations at your son - i woudl suggest

furthermore i would suggest kicking him out on his higher degree arse

Original poster

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 08:42

it's easy to suggest kicking him out- he is desperate to move out, but where and on what? he has around £40 a wweek benfit and hasn't actually seen it yet as he's just signed on. The cheapest house share is around £60 a week where we are, so I can't see how he can do it- he is asking us to contribute to his food, but we have said we can't afford it, apart from what we pend on him now, and that's less than if he was living on his own, as a shared meal costs less than cooking for one. we have another DC at uni that is costing us ££££s each month in rent etc. Does anyone know if he can housing benefit etc etc?

OP posts:

HSMM · 01/09/2009 08:42

My parents had a rule - while in their house we lived by their rules. If we didn't like it, we moved out. Simple.

Original poster

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 08:44

don't you think it is to do with my DH and his dad- should his dad not set expectations of behaviour, even though our son is an adult? I think parents always have to have a moral compass and encourage their kids to behave decently. I just feel embarrassed as they a re my friends and relatives, I have to face them , and I know what they are thinking.

OP posts:

Original poster

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 08:44

PLEASE tell me HSMM HOW he can move out with no money?

OP posts:

claw3 · 01/09/2009 08:52

Son is an adult, not a child. If he doesnt say thank you to your brother etc for the birthday money, lets hope next year they dont bother and he gets fuck all.

Rindercella · 01/09/2009 08:53

I think HSMM makes a good point. Until your DS has the money to move out, then he lives by your rules in your house. And that is rule #1.

Getting a job at the moment, especially at your son's age (which I think probably has the highest unemployment rate in the country), is not easy. But he needs to demonstrate to you that he is at least making an effort and applying for all the jobs he can.

Re the thanking family & friends for his presents. He is now an adult. It is his responsibility to make the effort and thank people for their generosity. I would say the more you go on at him about it, the less likely he is to do anything about it.

thesecondcoming · 01/09/2009 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 08:54

How he can move out with no money, isnt your problem its his, let him work it out for himself, stand on his own two feet.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 08:54

What are his skills and what are his chances of getting a job using those skills when he is living with you? Does he need to change town in order to get a relevant opportunity?

mrsruffallo · 01/09/2009 08:56

Howlong has he been unemployed for?
TBH it sounds like you need to back off a bit. You asked an adult child to make thank you cards for his birthday?
Bit strange

Original poster

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 09:01

My son is very keen to get work and he is also looking, However, with a masters degree in economics his plan was to have worked in banking and the City- very bad timing. He is applying for this years's grad schemes in London ( very few) starting this month but the interview process can take 6 months.

I completely agree with those of you who say he should move out- and he is desperate to as well. However, unless we put him out on the streets and he spends the nights in a shelter for the homeless, I don't see what options there are. Do you? Not all house shares would accept people on benefits for a start.

If housing benefit would pay his accommodation, great. I know nothing about benefits.

As for saying things to my brother in earshot of DS, well, brother lives 300 miles away and don't see often.

OP posts:

Original poster

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 09:02

MRS R- NO i didn't ask him to make cards! I suggested/reminded he phoned them- which he has done but they were out and he hasn't bothered since- nor did he leave a message.

OP posts:

monkeypinkmonkey · 01/09/2009 09:02

How old is he? It sounds like your'e treating him like a child so what if he didn't say thank you it reflects on him not you. If he wanted a job I'm sure after awhile trying he could get a minimum wage job.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 09:03

If he is an economics graduate, there are lots of openings for him. Being hung up on banking is not a good idea in the current climate - he must widen his job-seeking horizons.

Original poster

purplepeony · 01/09/2009 09:06

Bonsoir- what would you suggest? he really wants to be an economist....

OP posts:

thesecondcoming · 01/09/2009 09:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonsoirAnna · 01/09/2009 09:10

If he really wants to be an economist, real, practical experience of the world of work in an operational business will be excellent. Economic theory became far too removed from business reality in recent decades, leading in part to the current crisis.

Working in a commercial, client-facing role in a medium-sized business could be a real eye-opener to someone who has been imbued by theory.

claw3 · 01/09/2009 09:12

I would suggest packing shelves at Asda, working in McDonalds, doing a bloody paper round to tide him over until he is able to get the job he wants!

SouthMum · 01/09/2009 09:28

Agree with Claw. He needs to get ANY job. If nothing else prospective employers don't like a blank CV, and if he has done SOMETHING rather than sitting about on his arse then it looks like he has initiative and drive, 2 of the skills employers look for.

I speak as someone who offered a job to a candidate who had no qualifications but had at least done some work over a grad who had moaned in the interview that there were no suitable jobs around that suited her degree hence her zero work history.

SouthMum · 01/09/2009 09:31

BTW don't know about your area but where I live he would no way get housing benefit unless he has been looking for work for ages and is on at the local jobcentre. Think he woudl have to prove he has been for interviews etc before they think about that and even then I think they would look at your situation and conclude that he doesn't actually need benefit. The way around this would be for your son to lie and say he doesn't get along with you all, or something, and he has no choice to move out but then he might be taking a home away from seomeon who actually needs it.

thesecondcoming · 01/09/2009 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lotkinsgonecurly · 01/09/2009 09:41

Agree with above about getting any job. Will look great on his c.v and be something to discuss with prospective employers. Also is amazing where things may lead. If working for a large retailer things are often offered internally first. Some long hours for just over minimum wage will be just what he needs as a reality check.

sayithowitis · 01/09/2009 09:42

If he really wants to work, he will take whatever is on offer, even if that is working in MacDonalds or whatever. the fact is, it is easier to move from one job to another than it is to get the first job. Employers, especially in the sort of places he wants to work, want someone with initiative and drive. Sitting at home on jobseekers allowance for weeks/months does not indicate someone with either. In any case, as I understand it, in order to get benefits he will have to prove that he is applying for jobs, any jobs, not just those he really wants!

As far as birthday thank you calls are concerned, he is an adult and if your brother or bf get peeved about not getting a thank you (I would), you will just have to do as someone here said and say that you have reminded him and he hasn't bothered so maybe they would prefer not to bother sending in future. And actually, if he is at home on benefits, it isn't as though he doesn't have the time to make the calls is it?

lal123 · 01/09/2009 09:45

Whilst I agree that in an ideal world your adult son would be living by himself - sometimes thats just not practical. I also think its a bit rough thinking about chucking him out because he didn't say thank-you for a birthday present?? He's an adult -it's up to him whether or not to say thank you? Of course if he's living under your roof then he should be abiding by your rules - but your rules should assume he's an adult?

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