to expect back up from ym DH with this...

[purplepeony]

my adult son has come back home after being at uni and it's causing all kinds of problems with me and DH. Son was working for a while, now unemployed despite having a higher degree.

He recently had a birthday and received money from my brother and my best friend ( his Godmother). he has made some but not much effort to thank them both- phoned and they were out. I have constantly reminded him as I knw they both get rightly peeved about not being thanked ( not just by him but by anyone) and he just ignores me and says he'll do it later . Reminded him last night again just as DH was taking him to the oub for a "pep talk" re. being unemployed and applying for work. I suggested he made the thank-you calls before they went out- DH just let him off the hook and didn't back me up. We had a major row- one of many- where I feel I am on my own and he is not setting similar standards.

My son is getting on for 16, now as he gets older, i wouldnt expect him to move out, but i would expect him to attempt to pay his way.

I would write the two numbers down of the people that need thanking on a piece of paper, give it to him and just forget about it. That is all you can do, and it really isn't your problem. You must feel it reflects badly on you, but he is a grown man, it's got to be up to him.

I think there is a connection between the sort of attitude that doesn't understand why it looks shit not to say thank you for a present, and not getting a job. Thinking about how you present yourself to others, AND doing something about it, doesn't come naturally to all young people but till it does it is hard to make your way in life. It might go in one ear and out the other but you or your DH should point this out to him, and your DH needs to understand that he is not helping your son by letting him think it is ok to be let off this sort of hook.

Purplepeony

He has to thank people himself. There is no point nagging him - he's an adult and if he wants to be a rude twat then let him.

Re moving out - he needs to get a job, any job. When I left uni I worked in a cafe for a year, I didn't sit at home waiting for a graduate job. He can apply whilst working elsewhere. McDonalds if need be.

If he gets a job and moves out he can pay his own rent. Housing benefit will not help him while he is living at home and unemployed - he will need to save up a month's rent and a deposit before he can move to claim benefit, and if he's unemployed he's not likely to get a tenancy anywhere. However once he got a job and the money together, if he lost the job, he could claim HB up to a maximum (probably about 75 a week).

kat- thanks for that. I need to know more about benefits- can you advise? I basically think he should get a job, and any job. However, given that it might not happen this week, what is the situatiton re. housing benefits? he seems to think he canget his accommodation paid for if he finds a house share, and is either earning a minimum wage which would not cover all expenses, or is still unemployed. My thinking is that he cannot claim housing benefit whilst he is at home, so that would mean finding a house share first, withhim fudning the deposits of a months rent etc, then applying for HB. I am also wondering if other hosue sharerers would take on another person who is on benefits- I have house shared and we wouldn't have.

The sooner he has a reality check on this the better as at the moment he is wanting to move out, on benefits, and asking us to top up the costs, whcih we won't.

Purplepeony - I'm no expert but I looked into getting social housing when I was younger. I was told that they would look at my income first, then they look at the current living situation with the parents and in this case (and mine) your son is able to live with you, so its unlikely he would get much help. Unless you can prove you can't afford to 'keep' him.

Am actually LOL at your sons idea that he can just get a houseshare, sit on his lazy arse and get it paid for. Aint like that in the big bad world I'm afraid. He would have to prove that he has tried unsuccessfully to get a job.

Or he could knock someone up and get a free pad if she is on bens aswell.

south mum- it's not social housing that is the issue here- it's help with the cost of accommodation- he would get the cost of a bed sit or shared house. I want toknow if he has to find that house share first, having saved up a deposit, then apply for the benefit, or if they would pay it whilst he is living with us and looking.

I have to say that this goes against all my principles- I do not agree with people getting benefits when they don't need them at all. But I cannot tolerate him at home any more - it is making me ill , as we argue all day every day.

Sorry PP, by social housing I was lumping in people who have assistance with accomodation aswell from the social if that makes sense?

I must say I'm a bit that he would get the cost of the accomodation paid for when he has made no attempt whatsoever to find work. I can't see anyone just being able to rock up to the DSS or whatever its called and say (in a Little Britain Andy Pipkin voice) "I want that one" and just get it paid for.

Not being funny there btw, I am really angry with him on your behalf!! Stop buying him food unless its Tesco Value until he proves he is trying to find some work and at least help you out a bit.....

I had to pay keep (£10 a week which was half my wage!!) to my mum and dad when I got my first part time job at 15. At the time I was very Kevin and Perry about it ("Gooooooood its not fairrrrrrr") but now I understand why they did it.

But ... he doesn't have to move out, he just has to live by the house rules if he wants to stay there. His choice.

And by the way, I do agree that your DH needs to back you up on this.

Why do you need to know about benefits? Surely he's the one that needs to know? If you do everything for him then he won't need to get a job at all will he? Let him find out for himself, I'm sure he can manage a phone call or google search to find out what he needs....

If he's gettign jobseeker's allowance, he needs to be searching for a job.

The quickest and easiest way for him to get a job is to join an agency. He can do call-centre work or data-processing or factory work. Then at least he's proving to you that he's making an effort (which means you can charge him board for the food and accommodation), and it will look SOO much better on his CV than "unemployed claiming benefits".

Yes, he's doing the milk-round interviews (if and when he can get on it), but he still needs to be working before he starts that : if the interview process takes 6 months, then that's 6 months he can be gaining work experience .

When I graduated, I took on factory work, then data-processing until I found a proper job.
(and when I had to claim JSA, my parents made me pay £10 a week out of it to them for board and lodgings)

Purplepeony
yes, if he was already living out he could just apply to housing benefit and get his rent paid, if he lost his job. Southmum, housing benefit is nothing to do with DSS and is not judgement based. They only look at financial circs.

However he needs to get out first. In order to do that he needs to fund a month's rent, a deposit (one month - 6 weeks rent) and tenancy fees (100 -250 pounds). He will not be able to take a tenancy through an agency if he is unemployed. He will get no help from the council to get into private rental if he is living with you as he is not in need, so it's all down to him.

If he lost his job he could get his rent paid up to a maximum amount but then he would be at risk of not having his tenancy renewed if his landlord found out.

He can't claim HB while he is living with a close relative.

Oh and if he was working full time on minimum wage he would not get any HB at all - the maximum he could get as a single man under 25 would be the single room rate and full time wages would take him over the threshold to get anything. Going part time wouldn't be worth it either as the HB top up would be less than wages.

When I was jobhunting a few years ago I earnt 90 quid a week for a few weeks and claimed HB. I was only entitled to (can't remember exactly) either 20quid or 40quid a week. no council tax benefit.

Thanks Kat, I must admit I dont remember alot about what they asked when I looked into it (twas many years ago ) but I do remember they looked at my living arrangements with my parents and concluded that they were earning enough to support me.

Housing benefit has no changed - you can now claim Local Housing Allowance for private rental, which is actually different to HB. This has only been around for about 5 years or so. But no, if you are living with parents you can't claim HB. That would be insane!

thanks for all your replies.

I am researching tis so I know where we stand- I am not doing it for him.

He cannot get the jobs you suggest as he would be over qualified- if he was to go for an interview he would most likely be rejected unless the job was for temp work as why would someone with a masters be wanting to work in a factory? They would know it was just stop gap and employ someone who a) really wanted that work and b) was going to stay.

he has already been to agencies and due to the recession there are no jobs. Even local supermarkets are not taking on any more staff.

He can easily prove he is looking for work to the Job Centre, as all he has to do is say he has sent off CVs and applications.

I am not excusing his behaviour, but that's how it works in reality.

He will pay some of his JS allowance to us for B&L. it just hasn't come through yet.

Purplepeony - I would give him two months to stay with you but say you expect him to have sorted himself out by then and be able to live independently. He can get a houseshare and afford it with a job - any job - in a supermarket, bar, factory - minimum wage will cover £60/wk and food if he is careful. It is harsh but when you are a graduate your first job is not necessarily the intellectually stimulating/challenging step on to the career ladder he might expect. Real world - real issues - recession, expensive housing/living costs - he needs to learn to deal with all this on his own without your help or DH's.
As to the thank you notes - really not a big deal - you can call your brother and BF and thank them (in the way mothers do) and if he has tried to ring, tell them that and that you're sure he'll call them again soon (have faith in him!). Once you have set your ground rules in terms of when you expect him to do things, go easy on him, it's a daunting time. Give him all the emotional support you can but he is an adult and needs to learn to support himself financially. If he can rely on you for money or 'topping up', of course he will! The more he needs money the more motivated he'll be to earn it.

Send him to the jobcentre and tell him to apply for any job that he can do.
Cleaning , barwork, waiter , supermarket , shopwork etc. It is shit that he can't get a job in the industry he trained for but he has to work somewhere!
Having a degree does not mean he sits on his arse and waits for the perfect job.
If he has just left uni I would assume he is in his early twenties. Lazy git. At that he could be working on a building site or unloading vans to make some cash but instead he mooches off mum and dad and can't even be assed to thank people for a birthday present.
When I was unemployed , I gave my parents £30 a week from my benefits. The remaining £10 was for me to use for buses and other stuff. I paid that because I had always paid digs and saw no reason to stop. Maybe you should tell your son that it will cost him £20 a week for food and once he is employed you expect him to pay rent too.

Well it's not up to you to second guess employers and what they'd think about him being "over qualified", plenty of people take low paid jobs so they can make ends meet regardless of their education. I'd suggest he actually goes for any job and, if nothing else, he'll get interview and form filling experience. I'd be surprised if someone with no work experience was turned down for being over qualified just because they have a degree.

As to your DH not backing you up - I'd let it go - he may genuinely not feel it's as important as you do; or he may have felt that it wasn't the right time to add to your son's worries by pressing the issue there and then.

Purplepeony - he might have to prove that he has sent off apps, not just say he has.

The jobcentre ring prospective employers up to ask if such and such has sent off an application and if they have been invited to an interview. I have on many occasion put them straight and told them "No, I haven't had an app. from Mr X". They can stop jobseekers in this case.

As for him being overqualified, this is true, but he needs to aim for temp roles where the 'employer' knows that the person is treating it as a stop gap.

Just to set the record straight- and not defending his current behaviour. He finished uni a year ago and was employed immediately on a temp contract doing IT work for a big company- which lasted 6 months. Then due to the recession he was made redundant. That was roughly 4 months back.

It's interesting how some of you say treat him like and adult, don't nag him over the birthday thing, yet others say "send him to the Job centre"- I cannot "send" a 23 yr old adult anywhere!

As for ultimatums- yes, they have their place, but despite his behaviour we do love our son. It is easy to say "put him out" but you do realise that means he would be literally on the streets sleeping in a cardboard box? Tough talk is all very well until it comes to the crunch- do you expect me to make him homeless and live on the streets? I am all in favour of him doing any work and earning a pittance and managing to live off that, but I won't throw him out and make him homeless.

Have just read your overqualified comments - sorry but that's just rubbish. As a student I found pleny of holiday/menial jobs in factories/restaurants - the employers knew I was only doing it for the money and we were a happy mix of half students, half regular workers; this whole 'there's nothing for my son as he's overqualified' just does not stack up. Personally I'm cross to think there are people out there claiming benefits when they could be doing something 'blue collar' because they think the right job should be ready and waiting for them - the world doesn't work like that!

PP - your son knows you won't chuck him out. I'd be taking a massive chunk of whatever benefit he does get and then the choice is his - he either gets off his lazy arse and earns more or he sits around and waits for the perfect job to just magically appear and sit on his face but most of his free cash goes to you for putting up with him.

Either way you get some money off him to pay his way.