Grrrr Mother in Law

[glammam1978]

Ok so, have 3 weeks to go until my little bay boy is due.

Despite everything else that should be keeping me awake at night, its my mother in law thats driving me insane.

Over the last few months she has been acting so weirdly its starting to make me feel really uncomfortable. It started with her buying everything, in huge quantites, it moved on to her donating a massive cheque to the baby fund, to buy everything we need for the baby, now it has gone way to far, we went to her house last night and she has converted her spare room into a nursury, everything was bought and layed out, it was just weird. I can appricate that she is a first time grandmother and is excited about the new arrival but it seems like she is expecting us to move in once the baby is born and that I am just carring this baby for her and that once he arrives he will there soley for her benifit. It has got to the point where I am having nightmares about her trying to take the baby away from me.

I do not want to be ungrateful, but, I have always found my own way in life and find these gifts embarrising. We are living in a tiny 2 bed house and do not have room for all the bits she keeps turning up with.

We have never been very close and I am more than happy to keep her at arms lenght, all I want to do is enjoy my last few weeks alone to do what I want to do. I dont want to be bombarded with phone call after phone call asking me what I am doing.

Can anyone offer me some advice on how to get her to back off, I am scared if I dont do this now, when baby comes along its going to be 100 times worse.

You need to talk to her, it sounds like she's really excited and has gone over the line without realising it. Be honest but be brave, tell her you really appreciate all that she has done for you but did her mum do this for her when she was expecting?

Count your blessings, but keep your boundaries would be my advice...

I have one of these! The over-keen granny! What would be DS's room is full of the junk lovely stuff my mother's bought him. So we don't have a nursery because it's rammed floor to ceiling!

Such gems include: snow suits in sizes newborn, 0-3, 3-6 months. He was born at Easter . A toy bar to go on the baby bouncer... that doesn't fit and we already have one that came with it. Girly clothes. About 7 stuffed rabbit toys after I made the mistake of mentioning we'd bought him one just before he was born. Baby sheets, blankets etc.

When I went to visit I arranged to borrow a car seat. I told her this... so she went and bought one. She also has made a nursery

I have developed a statergy to deal with this. She can afford to spend the money and it makes her happy. I don't have to use the stuff she's bought and it costs me nothing to say thank you. I also have an ebay bag with things that don't suit us or he's never worn/played with because she's just bought so much stuff!

If she can't afford it then you need to have a word urgently. If she can, then just smile politely and be grateful she cares. Oh, and do not accept any milky drinks or necklaces... just in case

there might come yime if you go over for visit , you think yay dont have to cram everything in car to visit also hands when baby is older for babysitting

im envious my xmil even failed turn up for dd first birthday with words of well she wont know if im not there.And now divoicd she could not dropped us quick enough well least she does not have to acknowledge her dibled grandson now can just pretend he doe snot exist bitch

What does your DH say about this? And have the two of you discussed it?

(another fiercely independant first-time mum here)

I have almost this situation.

My DS was my MIL's 6th Grandchild. After years and years of babysitting for the other 5, she has a nursery (well, spare room with a cot, baby monitor and toys in) a highchair, bath seat, changing mat and wipes, car seats (in mnay different sizes), a pushchair and lots and lots of toys.

For DS's first christmas (he was 9 months) she bought him a 'sleepover bag' - a little suitcase for him to take all his things in when she babysits - although, as she has also bought him his own toothbrush and paste for there and copies of his cups etc, all that goes in it is PJ's, a night nappy and clothes for the following day!

I did think it was weird at first and did get overly sensitive about the toothbrush for some (probably hormonal - I'm pregnant) reason, but I now appreciate it.

Having to pack everything he needs to take him to my Mum's is a pain whereas I can drop DS off at the MIL's with nothing and know he'll be OK for a few hours if needs be.

She does it because she adores her Grandchildren and I just have to remind myself how lucky he is to have that when I'm feeling like my toes are being trodden on

I had this type of problem. My dp's mum just kept buying my ds crap toys. It got so bad that one week before xmas last year she bought him a HUGE fire engine I was fuming. Dp had to have a word and he went along the lines of how much we appriciate gifts however don't want ds growing up thinking things are easy to get and if she still feels the need to buy gifts try practical.
It worked a gem, plus I had to stop hating her for the sake of it and try to relax about her and our relationship alot better.
Try and get your dh to talk to her and make sure you all know the boundries before your dc is born so everyone knows what to expect.

Ah, now presents, MIL has been known to really P me off with presents.

I wanted to get DS a trike for his first birthday but wasn't allowed as she always buys a trike for the GC's first birthdays!!

She has set presents for each occasion and will not be swayed!

If she can afford it and is happy to do it, what´s the problem?
What you can´t keep at your place, tell her to keep at hers.
No one can force you to let her look after the baby, or see her when you don´t want to.
She has gone OTT, soput the brakes on now, if possible.
But at least she is interested.
When mine was born early, my MIL thought I´d done it to spite her!
Phoning her friends-how would she cope?
No concern for hubby & I keeping a bedside vigil!

She just sounds happy and excited.

Ask her to keep the stuff at her place if you can't fit it at yours.

I can't believe you're complaining about someone who has written a huge cheque for the baby.

Given that you're about to have a baby boy (congratulations, btw), perhaps you should reflect upon how you'd feel if in 30 or so years your DIL was whining on the internet about the cheque you'd written and wanting to keep you at arm's length.

Some distance is fine, but you sound rather like you'd prefer it if she didn't exist. She does, and she's happy, exactly as she should be.

I am sorry but I think some of you sound so ungrateful.

When my first child was born we had a lot of things at my mums for him as it made life easy for when he was there.
Also my great aunt (who has no children) took great delight in getting baby things for her new great great nephew.

A baby can bring so much joy to a family if you let it

She sounds lovely. All she is done so far is go a little over the top materially. Give her a chance before you condem her as interferring.

My Mum died when my first baby was 16 months and so I have come to appreciate how valuable and rewarding involved inlaws can be even if the realtionship with you is not exactly the same.

I can imagine that seeing a surprise nursery at granny's house must have been a bit 'Single White Female' meets 'the hand that rocks the cradle' but I'm sure she means it nicely.
Can you get DH to buy her 'the good granny guide' or something?
It sounds to me that you are (naturally) a bit unsure of your new role as mum and are worried she's going to try to take him away from you. It's an instinct I think, and I was the same with my own mother when DD was born. When I got more confident and felt like I was 'the mother', I was then able to hand DD over to my mother for babysitting. Now she and my DD have a lovely relationship and I can go off and have fun at work knowing that my DD is blissfully happy with Nana.
My advice is that you should just relax and be a bit more zen about it, you will really appreciate the help.

I am eternally grateful that my MIL adores my DS and that she's made leaving him there so easy but stopping me buying him things cause she's decided she wants to is a bit much don't you think?

I don't get to choose when she does this. He got the trike she chose and while it's lovely, it's not the one I wanted and is missing some of the features I would have liked. She saved us money but it was money I wanted to spend on my little boy

I think MrsGladpuss's strategy sounds best. Accept all the gifts - but give away/sell what you don't want.

My MIL is the other way, hardly spends anything at all despite being loaded and when she (on 2 occasions) every has bought anything, it's been a £5 or less item in the sale from the wrong season.

Personally I'd love to have a £££ cheque written though!

Maybe she is doing this partly to try to build a closer relationship with you? I am sorry, but this does seem to be one of those 'it's a MIL so therefore she must have an ulterior motive so therefore lets flame her' type of threads! She is doing something that certainly on the face of it, appears to be a genuine attempt to help out. For the time being, i would accept with a good grace. You could suggest that she talks to you about any further purchases so that things don't get duplicated.

I would have loved it if my MIL had shown even half this amount of interest in either of my DCs. DC1 was the first grandchild for her and has spent almost all his 20 years being ignored by her! When he was a baby we had to beg her to see him!

The nursery thing WOULD annoy me, and for us it would have been a waste of time, given that DS didn't stay away overnight until he was nearly 1. And I don't think babies really need nurseries anyway, although it is lovely if you can have one - given that they spend most of their time with adults, unless she is intending it as a space for you to go and feed, etc, it just seems a bit pointless! And different from practical things, eg keeping a pack of nappies / wipes / change of clothes in the cupboard, which is useful and practical.

I wouldn't complain about the cheque though - this is a much nicer way of helping, as it lets you choose what you need!

I'm not a big fan of my MIL, but I do think you are a bitU...

God, i wish we could swap. My PIL are really tight and it was a total hassle going to visit them because we used to have no car and we had to carry so much stuff on the train. They'd say things like, oh me must buy a highchair for DS, but they would never get round to it.

They hardly ever buy DS anything and when they do it's really cheap. Maybe a £5 toy if he's lucky. They don't think kids need toys and try to hide the small box of stuff that i've bought and left at their house. He usually ends up trashing their house because he's so bored...

Just sell the stuff you don't want or leave it at her house, be honest and say you don't have the room. As for the phone calls, get caller display and don't answer if you don't feel like talking. Oh, and encourage DH to take DS to visit her without you. If you do this from the start it will seem 'normal' and no one will question it!

I know it sounds really ungrateful, but its not just the fact that she has given us some money, its the fact that the other Grandparents are getting there noses rubbed in it (ex husband and my parents, we have not mentioned it but she is always bragging). We had our pram delivered to hers for convinence and she had taken it out of the box, set it up and had been walking it round her house all morning. Even her husband took me to one side and said that she is acting as if the baby is hers and has tried to talk to her about it to get her to back off. Its not just that a nursury has been set up, its more like a shrine, I wouldnt mind a changing mat and some nappies, but this is a whole suite of furniture, bags of clothes, toys, books etc. When I tried to explain that our little one would be sleeping in the room with us for the first six months she got realy funny and said that it was a bad idea and we would be making a rod for our own backs and all these modern ideas were total rubbish. When I mentioned I intend to breast feed she tutted and said how it was a bad idea as the baby would depend on me too much and no one else would be able to help with the feeds (her)

The thing I am finding really hard is that I know she was totally diffrent when my DH was a baby, he was dropped off to his grans in his pjs at 6am and collected most nights after 12pm and at weekends he was sent to say at his dads while she was out with her friends / boyfriends everynight. My DH still has emotional issuses because of this. I just feel like she is trying to right her wrongs and over compensate with our little boy, like she has been given another chance.

ahhhh Ishoos, it all makes sense. Yes she probably is trying to right the wrongs. Gawd, sounds like you will have your work cut out for you, especially over the breastfeeding, if she wants to feed him. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you...

I think first time grannies (and it will be us sooner or later!) go through a weird regression to relive the moment they had their first baby. Not surprising since it is the most memorable and joyous thing which happens in your life.

My MIL started banging on about how she was going to buy a Volvo estate to carry my as yet unborn child around in like one she used to drive her kids in during 70s. I got all terrified she was going to carry it off!

What she doesn t realise is she is only No2 Granny, No1 being your own mother. No one gets panicky and threatened when their own mother goes grand-baby bonkers.

But with MIL granny it takes a while to work out yr relationship and to trust them not to steal yr baby. I think in time - when you re knackered and need a break - you will appreciate her home nursery. Though can see straight away why you are completely freaked out now.

ALLNEW I hear you. I am due in a few weeks and my MIL has not offered to buy anything despite earning over 80k a year and having had her mortgage paid off by my husband a good few years ago. We are both currently between jobs and she still expects my husband to pay all her bills. So OP yes count your blessings and use the cheque to buy your son the things that you want for him.

Oh gawd I have 2 DSs. I will only ever be No 2 Granny...

grandchildren's - too dizzy with prospect of spend spend spending...

goldensnitch - i understand where you are coming from, while it looks generous and so on, and to complain looks ungrateful, i agree there are things that a PARENT wants to get for their child and the GRANDPARENT ought to be more sensistive to this, they have done their parenting and seen the joy that special gifts and give - in the choosing, buying and giving, and should let you have the chance and choice to do this yourself.

My MIL buys things too - but all so deeply unsuitable it is awful!

so Glam, you are not being unreasonable, a balance needs to be struck.