Grrrr Mother in Law

[glammam1978]

Ok so, have 3 weeks to go until my little bay boy is due.

Despite everything else that should be keeping me awake at night, its my mother in law thats driving me insane.

Over the last few months she has been acting so weirdly its starting to make me feel really uncomfortable. It started with her buying everything, in huge quantites, it moved on to her donating a massive cheque to the baby fund, to buy everything we need for the baby, now it has gone way to far, we went to her house last night and she has converted her spare room into a nursury, everything was bought and layed out, it was just weird. I can appricate that she is a first time grandmother and is excited about the new arrival but it seems like she is expecting us to move in once the baby is born and that I am just carring this baby for her and that once he arrives he will there soley for her benifit. It has got to the point where I am having nightmares about her trying to take the baby away from me.

I do not want to be ungrateful, but, I have always found my own way in life and find these gifts embarrising. We are living in a tiny 2 bed house and do not have room for all the bits she keeps turning up with.

We have never been very close and I am more than happy to keep her at arms lenght, all I want to do is enjoy my last few weeks alone to do what I want to do. I dont want to be bombarded with phone call after phone call asking me what I am doing.

Can anyone offer me some advice on how to get her to back off, I am scared if I dont do this now, when baby comes along its going to be 100 times worse.

My MIL referred to DS as her baby when I was pregnant. She said after her MC it was the closest she'd get to having a baby. Did lots of scary things (unfortunately that did not include buying us lots of things )

Then when she realised I was his mummy, she was not keen and she doesn't often see him now really. When she does, it has to be just her and her new DH, and she doesn't really want us around.

Things do change once baby is born. Make sure you stamp your boundaries though, I did.

My MIL was just the same, set up a full nursery in her house, painted the walls pink, put a cot and changing table etc in there. Totally mad, IMO. I breastfed and DD wouldn't take a bottle so there was no way she was staying overnight there until I'd stopped breastfeeding (at 14 months) as she wouldn't take a bottle. Lots of comments were made about how her friends had their grandchildren to stay, to which I just replied 'how nice' and ignored the 'poor me' subtext. Since I stopped breastfeeding, DD has been able to make her own wishes clear as she was an early talker. She cries when MIL suggests she goes to stay at their house which makes things perfectly clear. At nearly three, she has never yet stayed at theirs overnight. The cot was a total waste of time and money as we have mainly coslept and have only stayed overnight there maybe three or four nights since DD was born and she's been in a bed for over a year anyway (usually ours). I was also the recipient of many comments about how they couldn't help with feeds etc and my breastfeeding was 'selfish'!!!

Ignore it all. If she makes you feel really uncomfortable then you might as well have a word now and get it out of the way.

Also, I meant to say, if your DH can see what's going on and how much it upsets you, getting him to have a word is much the best way to deal with this. You have enough on your plate at the moment!

I would appreciate the financial help. Say 'thank you very much' but not let her use it to buy her way into your DC's life.

However, also get your DH on side ande make sure she knows the baby is yours (as a coupe). If you want to avoid the 'can they stay overnight' thing just breastfeed.

Looking back to the early days after DS1 was born, I felt a lot like you. My MIL paid for a lot, bought bottles even though I was breastfeeding and was generally suffocating; I am also fiercely independent.

When I went back to work she offered to look after DS1 which was marvelous. DS1 had spent quite a bit of time with her so I knew he'd be fine. As he grew older, he has spent nights there and it is lovely to see the bond he is developing with his grandparents. I think there is something very special about seeing your son develop a relationship with someone else, particularly when you see that you are still mummy and still the most important person in your son's life.

I'm sure if I did a search on my old username I'd be able to show you the posts I made ranting about my MIL. But I'm really grateful (really) for the help and the love she has given us, even though she has made me spectacularly angry at times.

I now have DS2 and DS1 is well cared for by my MIL now and again while I do baby stuff. He may be my son but he is also her grandson, and I try not to forget that.

You'll probably be very grateful in the future that there is someone with whom you can trust your DS. Good luck with the birth!

llareggub speaks ALOT of sense.

I think its rather sweet. Honestly if you have a second (or indeed when your first is abit older) you will be very grateful for any help she can give - you may be able to have some childfree time without having to pack up the car with baby bits. Speaking as someone who has to beg her inlaws to visit for 24 hours every 6 months I think you are rather lucky...

She sounds lovely, My ILs did not get much for our little girl even though they are extremely well off which irked . They sound like lovely generous people, have you spoken to your dh.

How is it lovely and generous to be doing lots of things that there is absolutely no need for? It's just wasteful, IMO. Yes, the OP may well be grateful for the love and attention that a good grandparent can give when her child is older. Equally, she may by then have had a bellyful of intrusive phone calls etc and be backing off with a sharp pointy stick at the ready. I do see that some people wish that their parents or in-laws were more interested but some of us with over-interested PILs or parents sometimes wish that ours would just bugger off!

I know that my PILs want the best for my daughter and love her very much but that doesn't stop them being a) bloody irritating (to me, mainly) and b) sometimes doing totally inappropriate and annoying things.

May I speak for all really confused MIL? My son married a girl who didn't want to be part of our family from the start. Everything we did was wrong, we could not please her no matter how we tried.

Consequently now that the grandchildren have arrived we are kept firmly at arms distant and hardly ever see them. When we do it is for half a day only with their parents.

We have done nothing wrong, we do not interfere, yet we are treated so badly. We offer to help out, we are refused, we offer to babysit, we are refused, we were not told about the 'Naming Ceromony' and do not know who the 'Guardians' are or where they live.

We wanted to play a part in these children's lives, but we are not allowed to. If we buy presents they are put away for later and the child does not even see them.

Am I being unreasonable or is it my DIL? I am so upset about all this and so is my OH.

That's awful Mumonastick. Have you asked them why they exclude you?

The lady who looked after my two as babies referred to them yesterday as 'my babies'. They're now late teens. I was illogically pretty miffed about it - not sure why.

This thread shows what a mix of emotions we all are.

Mumonastick, you sound like you are in a very sad situation. :(

You might be best starting your own new thread though, people may start answering the OP rather than helping you with your own situation.

Best wishes.

Why don't you start a thread in relationships? This is a very old thread and isn't about your situation.

so sad mum on a stickI amn a mil and gm and get on very well with dil even tho she and ds have split,however i had my dd 2 weeks ago and was ready to "share"with pil all i requested was to come homne to a quiet hosue 2 days post section,they couldnt manage it and manipulated to be here upsetting me dh and dd1 and ruined our homecoming demanding to be fed etc.DD has gone on to develop some health probs and been in hospital most of her short life,we have heard nothing from pil and so i can only assume they are sulking.What a shame eh?

When you're preganat nerves and anxiety can taker over, shes just got carried away with exictement let her get on with it her monet , her grandchild.

As a Mum of 3 boys, no sure why a MIL should always be a "Granny no2" - are Dads family not as important as Mums here.

Speaking as someone whos Mum is dead and MIL shows little interest I would love to be in your position OP. Wht cant children have a close relationship with Grandparents on Fathers side like Mums side??

As well as being your childs Grandparent I think a lot of people like to conveniently forget their MIL is actually their DHs Mum to.

Mumonastick - might be a good idea to start your own thread on this.

Having said that, it sounds like a terribly sad situation for you.

Your DIL may be behind 'edging you out' of the grandchildrens' lives, but it is equally your son's responsibility to ensure that they have a happy relationship with their grandparents.

All I can suggest is that you keep trying (but not pushing) to be involved. perhaps ask your son if there is any reason why you are being treated this way - there may have been some misunderstanding that you are not aware of?

Agree with tainted - i hadn't looked at the dates to.start with.

Katisha, don't worry. My kids #1 granny is their dads mom, even before my mom passed away. #1 granny has lots of grandchildren and loves them all, and they love her right back.

Just remember that you hold the power. She needs you way more than you need her, and if you can remember that, it might help you to deal with the times that she is driving you crazy.

Do things with your baby your way, simply and calmly get on with it, and let her know gently but firmly that she has to put up with it if she wants to be involved in her GC's life. Or make your dh do it.

My mum and MIL BOTH did this. To this day my DC's have their own rooms at both sets of GP's (with playstations, etc). It was heaven when they were little and it meant I did not have to hire a removal van when they were staying over. My DC's are more than happy as teenagers to stay with GP's as they have their own space there. It was a win win all round for us.

I think the Granny no 2 thing is putting it harshly however traditionnally mum stays with baby dad goes out to work. Mum feels more comfortable having her mum round rather than MIL. It is something that can't be got away from. For example my dh travels a lot for work and sometimes I like to have someone stay with me for all or some of the nights her is away. That will always be my mum not MIL.
OP - I think your dh needs to set some boundaries with your MIL like yesterday. I think he needs to set out visiting times/scenarios for the first few weeks post birth and go from there. I think this has the power to become a real nightmare for you if you are not firm asap.
I think all grannies relive their baby experiences a bit through their grandchildren but there seem to be ways of doing it. My mum is very open and vocal about 'ooo I love pushing the pushchair reminds me of being a mummy, can I do it for a bit, ask for her back whenever you want' etc etc. MIL just takes which winds me up. Haven't worked out whether she's so into her own reliving moments she can't separate herself from them enough to vocalise them or whether she's scared to ask? Not sure.
Your MIL sounds well and truly lost in the reliving and needs to have her bubble popped sharpish.

I'm constantly taking stuff to the charity shop because of two family members buying my DD crap toys, books and clothes on top of the crap they buy DH and I. Its become a pain in the ass having to lug it all over when if they just respected my wishes of not buying anything anymore, please. You must put the brakes on... talk to DH and explain your worries and uncomfortableness with it all. There's the excited grandmother and the overly excited grandmother that takes it a bit too far. The fund is nice though, but setting up a nursery with all the trimmings, a bit OTT.

My mil did this, especially creating a nursery. Not sure what they'll do now, I'm expecting twins... they'll probably buy a bigger house! .

We cope as she buys dd things and keeps them at her house for when we visit. Plus we live 4 hours away and she won't drive on motorways!