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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be p****d off?

39 replies

southernaccent · 29/08/2009 10:58

Okay, I am a lone father going through a divorce and need advise on whether i am being reasonable. I have 3 DDs who live with me full time from a previous marriage. My stbx has one DD who lives with her full time. We split up 11 months ago. I work, she does not. Her DD is 11 and i understand finding work can be hard, but I have to. I left as the relationship was in a mess and the DCs we not happy. I rented a small place. I have paid the mortgage and maint to her for a 5 bed place we both own. The maint i pay is equivilant of what she receives from the father of her DD. I paid to help her family out of a mess a while back. I gave extra money on her DDs birthday. I have agreed a 50 50 split on the house, one years maint also to come out of the house sale. this is despite me putting in 70% and she put in 30%. We were married 3 years. All contents i have said she can keep and there are some good ones. We agreed this by ourselves a while back.

However, over the last six weeks her attitude has changed drastically, I suspect based on new advise, or that she may be seeing some new fella who is advising her. My solicitor has been waiting for 5 weeks for her to confirm the details of our arrangments. She refuses to communicate with me now. The house has sold and is on track for completion within 4 weeks.

Am I being unreasonable to want to be treated with a bit of respect? To have confirmation so me and my 3 DCs can plan our future? Would I be out of order to write to her and say all bets are off and see you in court? I am so p**d off and would welcome a mums view. Sorry for the rant

OP posts:
elmofan · 29/08/2009 11:11

oh what a horrible situation , it sounds like you have been fair with her , but i don't think you should write any nasty letters to her as she might use them against you in the future , could you try phoning her ? or if she wont answer then i think you should leave it up to your solicitor to sort things out , hope things work out for you & your dc's

Hobnobfanatic · 29/08/2009 11:12

How long were you together?
You had no children together?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 29/08/2009 11:12

I can understand. It sounds frustrating. When a marriage ends it can be hard to be reasonable. Or maybe she's out for the maximum payout, who knows?

However, I think any letter like that would inflame things. Since she is not sticking to the agreement - just put it in the hands of the court, without any letter to her. She hasn't confirmed your arrangement, so there is no arrangement - go to court!

You have no children together, so perhaps going to court, getting it sorted out once and for all and having a clean break might be best for all of you.

claw3 · 29/08/2009 11:12

Not unreasonable at all to be treated with a bit of respect. Its a shame communication has broken down between you.

As tempting as it might be to write a letter, i would leave it in the hands of the solicitors to chase up.

Original poster
southernaccent · 29/08/2009 11:32

Thanks everyone. We dont have children together, we were together 3.5 years and married for 2.5. I have tried phoning and she wont answer. I have tried emailing with no reply. I even said i would like to stay friends but nothing. I have now just got soo angry. I know i should not get into a fight but just feel like i am being asked for one. I am now starting to resent us being in a small place while she has the big house, especially as we have no way of planning our future at present with no idea of the final deal. I guess she has it in writing from me and she thinks she can improve it, or just thinks make me wait. Either way, we have our own DCs and should respect that we have lives to rebuild Grrrr! life! at least a man as footy on a sat to take his mind off it.

OP posts:
Hobnobfanatic · 29/08/2009 11:35

Crikey - you sound very reasonable.

I'd cut her some slack, though - in such stressful, painful situations, people act out of character. She's probably angry and hurt and is trying to hurt you too. Not an excuse, I know, but it's a horrible time for you both and she'll probably look back and realise that you've treated her with respect with this deal and regret her current behaviour. A letter will just inflame the situation.

Good luck!

mumblechum · 29/08/2009 11:46

70% is on the high side of what a court should order in a 2.5 yr marriage with unequal contributions.

Your solicitor should write to hers saying that unless the offer is accepted in writing within 14 days you're lodging a Form A (application for ancillary relief) in court.

That should do the trick.

Don't write to her, leave everything to the solicitors to sort out.

Original poster
southernaccent · 29/08/2009 11:46

Thanks Hobnofanatic, I know you are right. It has been a very emotional time. The house is going to contracts soon so I guess she will want her cut as soon as this goes through, so it will have to come to a head soon. I just cant believe my DCs were part of her life and it has to end in disrespect. sort of confirms the resons for the break though. Thanks again (email to solicitor being parked in drafts)!

OP posts:
mumblechum · 29/08/2009 11:47

Sorry misread your post, if you're agreeing to 50/50 although you put in 70%, that's more than fair.

Original poster
southernaccent · 29/08/2009 11:50

Thanks Mumblechum. I think the financial offer equates to about 60% (with a years maint). When you take into account all contents staying with her it must be about 70%. I have 3 DCs, she has 1. Good advice. will speak to Sol on Monday.

OP posts:
Original poster
southernaccent · 29/08/2009 12:13

whoops, maybe tuesday!

OP posts:
Original poster
southernaccent · 01/09/2009 13:59

just worked out its been six weeks since my sol wrote with the offer we agreed. Sol says we will write on friday if we have not heard and suggest what you said mumblechum. it is a completely ridiculous situation and still makes me mad. It will just be extra cost!

OP posts:
Morloth · 01/09/2009 14:08

Do everything through the lawyers everything as you have no children together it is just the money situation.

Do not under any circumstances write to her directly and if you can at all avoid it, try not to speak to her without legal counsel present.

Tell your lawyer everything you have said here, as well as providing proof of the money you have put in, then tell them exactly what you want and also what you will settle for.

Original poster
southernaccent · 01/09/2009 14:22

I did morloth. My lawyer wrote with what we agreed between us. Up until about 8 weeks ago, we did still speak and agreed the house sale, divorce and financials. Even have emails with it. Then suddenly, her attitude changed and she stopped and refused to communicate. trouble is my lawyer wrote 6 weeks ago and she has not replied with acceptance or with what she does want. I was eager to ensure she had security for her child. why cant she have the decency to let me know so I know where i stand with my DCs.

We only communicate via the sol now.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2009 14:24

I´m tempted to ask why you are giving her anything!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/09/2009 14:27

Whose house was it originally?

Why are you paying her maintenance when you have no kids together?

She is screwing you for everything she can get and you need to stop being so reasonable.

Morloth · 01/09/2009 14:29

You can't do anything about her or her actions, you need to just focus on making sure you do the right thing and protecting the assets you (and by extension your children) are entitled to.

I know it is horrible, I haven't experienced it personally but have watched for years over and over and over again. Grieve for it all later, right now try to remove yourself emotionally, get the financials sorted out as quickly and cleanly as possible and walk away.

Original poster
southernaccent · 01/09/2009 14:45

We bought the house together Fab, I put 70% in and she put 30%. I know I have a good flexible job and better earning potential and that she would have to work for the first time in ages, so I wanted to be fair. I sort of still had feelings for her although we failed miserably. when we used to talk it was fine but now she is just abusing that and could now be using that as a starting point. you are all right I know. I need to break from the emotion and sort the basics.

OP posts:
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 01/09/2009 14:48

I think she should only get out what she put in.

Original poster
southernaccent · 01/09/2009 14:53

You would think so, but apparently as we were married a court would look at earning potential even though we did not have children together. so i was sort of ok with 50/50 but would just like to know for sure that we have a deal so I can make plans.

OP posts:
diddl · 01/09/2009 15:20

I assume the house has no mortgage, then?
Why are you offering maintainance?

Original poster
southernaccent · 01/09/2009 16:37

Yes, the house has a mortgage but there is a fair amount of equity. in the big scheme of things offering maint until the house was sold, and she received the house money, seemed a small price to end things amicably. Now, I think someone new is on the scene and stirring it up. I feel very let down and must learn not to place so much trust in people in the future. At best, I am being left waiting as a sort of punishment, at worst, being taken to the cleaners. I will fight tooth and nail if that happens though as my DCs deserve their way of life back.

OP posts:
Silver1 · 01/09/2009 16:46

I agree lawyer up- you have no children together, her daughter is being supported by the father- you have the future of your 3 daughters to think of.

Original poster
southernaccent · 01/09/2009 17:05

Thanks everyone. I thought I had been more than reasonable but it is good to have that confirmed.
I never thought I would say this but I would now rather give the money to a lawyer unless she agrees this week, or, if she wants more. If it turns out to be just a dig then I have to think myself and the DCs are best shot of her.

OP posts:
pocketmonster · 01/09/2009 17:34

You need to be careful - from my experience paying her maintenance sets a precedent. Also any level of maintenance awarded to an ex spouse leaves the door open for them to go back and ask for more if you start to earn more. Although having said that I suspect its unlikely after such a short marriage that a court would order maintenance to be paid (but it depends on the Judge). Could you pay the mortgage instead? And re the years maintenance from house proceeds - how about agreeing that she receives an additional small percentage from the proceeds (for example 54% instead of 50%) rather than explicitly calling it maintenance?

Oh, and from what you have said YANBU.