Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think that actually DH is taking the piss

72 replies

plasticbag · 27/08/2009 21:16

I probably am - I have PMT

He has gone out this evening - obv fine.

He left straight after dinner and I bathed DC and put them to bed. Fairly unpleasant since they both have a cold and were a bit overtired.

then went down to tidy up.

Lunch dishes still in sink unwashed.

No space on any surface in kitchen so can't clear dinner dishes off table.

Toys all over the place in living room.

thing is, he is SAHD and I've been at work - I am stressed and tired.

I also have to do load of washing which I left for him this morning all ready to go in washer. He's ignored it.

Oh - he has partially cleaned the bathroom

OP posts:

pleasechange · 28/08/2009 14:56

tbh I think if someone is at home during the day, then they should be able to find time to clear up dishes. This is really not that time consuming, and can be done either when children are eating (depending on age) or sleeping. It is unreasonable for you to come home from work to a dirty kitchen

Untidy play area is a different matter. I wouldn't bother clearing up until DCs are in bed

So I think he is taking the piss about kitchen, but not about play area

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 14:58

Thanks all it is good to hear everybody's views

colditz - I wasn't a cock about it, we had a nice evening last night when he got back albeit both knackered

yorkshirerose that sounds like a nightmare - the way you put it made me laugh though

Orm that's it - I kind of feel that any mess made when I am not there should not be tidied up by me - now I do know that IABVU on this one but it's not nice to come home to such a midden.

I wish my period would start. I feel shite.

OP posts:

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 15:03

GetOrf I don't know if he could get a job atm. He had a bit of a crisis at work (shit boss, DH not facing up to problems) then his contract ended anyway. He doesn't want to stay in the same career.

It suited us. All timed perfectly with my mat leave ending.

But... that is a whole other thread or 5

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 28/08/2009 15:10

This part of your post made me feel sad, op:

"at least he just has this"

eh? That is all he has? Cleaning and baby care? Maybe not as rewarding as one should think?

Whatever the gender, any person staying at home should be able to also keep the house reasonably clean and tidy., why not get a dishwasher?

If this is not working out, then maybe you could look into him going back to work and you get a nanny?

But, to save yourself and him some bother

YorkshireRose · 28/08/2009 15:16

He really should be able to keep the house reasonably tidy as well as looks after dcs if he is not working, plastic.

I would expect a SAHM to be able to do this and would sympathise with her full time working DH if he came home to what you were faced with.

Nothing to do with gender.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 15:25

Agree QS and Yorkshire.

If you are under a great deal of pressure that last thing you need is to come home to a tip, whilst he buggers off out.

To be honest really how difficult would it be for him to do the dishes, pack things away and wipe the sides down. Even if the kids were ill there must have been 20 mins when they were just lying sleepily on the sofa watching crap on the telly.

It seems that you have all the pressure here. Things like having to sort the finances, arrange hair cuts, all the bloody laundry (hell) and sorting out uniforms, well that must drive you batty after a working day. And you would think with him staying at home he would be able to take some of the workload off.

If it carries on like this the resentment is just going to grow. It is a shame that he is not in the position to go back to work, really.

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 15:26

QuintessentialShadows that meant he just has "this" to deal with.

As in he doesn't have work stress on top of it too.

He talked a lot when he left work about how much better he felt not having it all hanging over him.

We can't get a dishwasher because we would need to redesign the kitchen and knock down a couple of old fitted larders. £££

OP posts:

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 15:33

TBH Getorf it feels like I get home and gear up for the next shift.

I didn't mind this so much when we both worked f/t.

OP posts:

TracyK · 28/08/2009 15:39

If I've not managed to get much done during the day with having ds - as soon as dh (in your case - you) comes home from work - I get him to keep an eye on ds while I whizz around and make the place look respectable.
ie dishes/majority of toys etc.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 15:45

Oh GOD I just typed up a massive post and lost it!

In brief I think you are having to take on far too much responsibility. It seems that your DP was able to take time out from working as he didn't want the stress hanging over him. However you are not able to have that luxury are you?

I think he needs to either (a) take on a lot more responsibility for the house, such as bills, laundry etc or (b) go out and get another job. Because it doesn't seem as the situation as it is is at all fair to you plastic.

(The other post was worded far better!)

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 16:02

GetOrf you are right - that's how it feels

There was a bit more to it - his contract ended, he had no job to go to. He didn't leave a job. So in some ways our hands were forced and we made the best of it. A couple of months in, we were both enthusiastic about him being at home for DS and being there when DD got home from school.

It's been a year and I thought it would just take time to settle down and he would need to adjust. Surely a year is long enough for that process?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 28/08/2009 16:07

I totally managed to jumble up my last post.

TO save yourself and him some bother, why not get a dishwasher? Half of the sentence ended up earlier in the post. but you have explained why this is not convenient.

To be perfectly honest, I have been a sahm, and I am now a wohm, with two kids, one school age and one younger. It depends a lot on the child, and the "management" of said child. It should be possible to clean up after lunch. It is GOOD for the child to see that clean up has to be done, the child has to learn this as part of the routine. First we prepare food, then we eat and then we clean up. Not managing this, is pure lazyness.

It is possible to put on a load of washing, it does not take long. Neither does it take long to hang out, or bung into tumble drier. It is also something a child can take part in, in a playfull way anyway.

"Timmy, would you like to come her help mum/dad/nan put the clothes into tumble drier/on the clothes horse? Oh what a good boy." Many household chores can be "made fun" in this manner, and a lot can be done if you have the right attitude to the child and his/her taking part. OF COURSE it will be stressful if you are trying to entertain a child elsewhere in the house while you are somewhere else entirely doing chores.

You need to talk to your dh about how he handle the child at the same time as he is doing housework, and give him a few pointers as to how this can be done.

It does not come natural to some people (whatever the gender)

OrmIrian · 28/08/2009 16:07

"TBH Getorf it feels like I get home and gear up for the next shift. "

That is exactly how it is here too! I find myself dreading going home sometimes. I am tired and I know that when I see the chaos I will really struggle not to snap. Mess makes me so stressed.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 16:07

A year!

God yes. I think you would probably have been happy with the first 6 months him taking some time to settle in, basically treat it as some longed for time off/rest period. However, a year on you wpuld think (hope) that some kind of routine would be in order, and that tasks would be divided up.

It must be very, very hard being the sole breadwinner - you have my sympathies. How would your DP respond to a conversation where you ask him to take on more responsinility?

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 16:10

I feel the whole going home for more grind dread as well.

I hate choosing what to cook. I shop for, pay for and arrange all the food in the house and do all the cooking, why do I have to bloody well decide on what we are having for dinner as well. DP and DD are always 'oh we don't mind' when I ask them what they would like. Just someone else make a bloody decision grrrr.

Rant over.

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 16:13

QS thanks.

I would give him such pointers if I knew the ropes myself

I have only been at home with DC when on mat leave. And I was a resounding failure.

Actually I think DH tries to minimise time in the kitchen because it's not safe for DS (he can get past cupboard locks) and therefore it takes an age trying to do anything with him in the room. So if he is not in the mood to play outside the gate then it's hard.

But he does nap.

And I've suggested to DH that he does things in the kitchen while DS is eating - he can move the high chair into kitchen. I am not sure why he won't take me up on that one.

OP posts:

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 16:17

"I find myself dreading going home sometimes. I am tired and I know that when I see the chaos I will really struggle not to snap. Mess makes me so stressed."

Orm I could have written that.

And, Getorf, the decision making thing - argh - I get texts from DH at work saying "what will I make for tea?"

Well I don't fucking know. Why don't we all just have fucking cornflakes?

OP posts:

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 16:19

We've kind of had the conversation about him taking responsibility - not just doing more, but actually taking "ownership" of it

He agrees, then nothing changes

OP posts:

Bathsheba · 28/08/2009 16:20

I'm with junglist1 on Fri 28-Aug-09 11:46:52

I don;t understand where the idea that "the child was sick, expect nothing to be done" either from a SAHD or a SAHM comes from.

When my children are ill they are dopey and not running around (tends to be how I spot they are ill), they nap when they NEVER normally nap, they lie on the sofa and watch their programmes and have lots of drinks....

I manage still to exist, and certainly to wash up when they have what basically is amounting to "a bit of a cold".

Unless they are confinedto hospital needing hand holding in the children's ward, I honeslty don;t udnerstand why a standard childhood cold is a reason for the adult to do nothing.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 16:28

Exactly bathsheba.

Plastic - I have done that. Couldn't be bothered with deciding what to make for dinner, had the usual half arsed lack of response from the family, so made us all toast for dinner.

And a glass of wine for me

Original poster

plasticbag · 28/08/2009 16:34

OK I have some suggestions for DH tonight.

DH to take on meal planning and food shopping

DH to be in charge of school form filling etc

Me and DH to look at finances together so he at least knows what's going on

Table gets cleared and dishes done straight after meal is finished

DH and DC to do quick blast of tidying up before dinner (so I don't take DC up to bed and find I can't get into the room for all the toys)

Load of washing every day, DH to put it on, hang it up and put away - all except my stuff which I like to do myself (from bitter experience)

(7. DH to address the issue of work and if/when he is going back and to what sort of job)

It will be a scary list for him methinks.
Thinking of leaving 7 out because I can't face it and I don't think he can right now either.

OP posts:

TracyK · 28/08/2009 17:38

Maybe a sticker chart for dh???

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread