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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that actually DH is taking the piss

72 replies

plasticbag · 27/08/2009 21:16

I probably am - I have PMT

He has gone out this evening - obv fine.

He left straight after dinner and I bathed DC and put them to bed. Fairly unpleasant since they both have a cold and were a bit overtired.

then went down to tidy up.

Lunch dishes still in sink unwashed.

No space on any surface in kitchen so can't clear dinner dishes off table.

Toys all over the place in living room.

thing is, he is SAHD and I've been at work - I am stressed and tired.

I also have to do load of washing which I left for him this morning all ready to go in washer. He's ignored it.

Oh - he has partially cleaned the bathroom

OP posts:
junglist1 · 28/08/2009 11:52

Part of being at home is cleaning. I go to uni full time and it's bad enough having to walk in at 7 after commuting all day to do dinner, wash up and bed routine, without cleaning other peoples messes up so they can sit on their arse all day. The one who is at home all day cleans. End of. How anyone expects someone who has been working or studying all day and standing on tubes for hours to walk in and clear up is beyond comprehension.

BroodyChook · 28/08/2009 11:52

YANBU.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 11:52

I was a SAHM and was very slack on the domestic front actually. Because it's dull and can seem completely pointless when you do it day after day (I know most of it isn't, but that how it seems...)

And I know other people do it, but it just isn't that simple. I think you probably should have a talk with him, but I think you need to listen to what he has to say too.

Original poster
plasticbag · 28/08/2009 11:52

yy junglist

DS is only 18 mo (so can't read yet )

But he did go for two naps and also sat looking at books by himself for a while, DH gold me last night

I am not against DH having a break himself obviously at some point in the day but seems like he should have had chances to do stuff

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 11:55

I took ages to type that and x-posted with you.

There's other stuff. There always is I think when the bitching about the houework starts - in our house anyway...

Original poster
plasticbag · 28/08/2009 11:55

FallenMadonna I hear you and tbh I would not want to be a SAHM for those very reasons (and the looking after DC bit too obviously)

DH says he is happy with the set-up but I am wondering if he is really. I wish he would just bloody well talk to me about it. I have to instigate all communication.

OP posts:
Original poster
plasticbag · 28/08/2009 11:57

Madonna you are right. It's always a symptom of something deeper.

I should leave all this until a better time of the month...

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 28/08/2009 11:58

I was happy with being at home with the children. Very happy. I just hadn't bargained on being responsible for all the domestics too. And I know it was in theory reasonable for me to do it, it just didn't feel reasonable.

Morloth · 28/08/2009 12:00

Well, if I was home with a sick kid and left stuff undone, and then came home and DH had cleaned up for me - the amount of brownie points would be off the charts.

junglist1 · 28/08/2009 12:02

I agree it's mind numbingly boring. As a compromise, he could do surface stuff such as washing up, laundry and tidying, then you could do a bit on the days you don't work. Make sure he gets cleaning the toilet though

AxisofEvil · 28/08/2009 12:03

Is getting a cleaner an option financially? We got one in for cleaning and laundry as was causing the most tension between us.

Jugglers · 28/08/2009 12:05

YANBU - I am a WfromHM, working full time hours and I still manage to get the plates & pots pretty much done, plus the housework, laundry (ish) look after DC plus mindees (All eyfs or & Yr1->2) and 2 other jobs and run the house etc etc. (solo - DH packs the dishwasher )

It's not rocket science, it's juggling!

My name is jugglers and I am a worn out wreck!

haventsleptforayear · 28/08/2009 12:06

Maybe he's been on mn all day?

Original poster
plasticbag · 28/08/2009 12:11

He never cleans the toilet

Actually he does his version of it, but it is not noticably cleaner...

I don't want or expect him to do 100%. No way. Especially since they are still little.

I do:
All laundry and folding and putting away
All admin and sorting finances and dealing with post
Doctors' appts, haircuts, etc
Clothes buying
making sure DD has uniform and clean shoes for next day
Some cooking and some washing up
If we ever go out I organise it, and the babysitting

He does:
Looking after DC
Cooking and most of washing up (but tends not to clean the kitchen or kitchen floor etc so I end up doing that)
Vacuuming
Cleans bathroom, but see above
Changes beds, but I have to ask him

Maybe this is fair. I actually don't know any more.

OP posts:
ben5 · 28/08/2009 12:14

it takes 5 minutes to wash up lunch dishes and 5 minutes to sort out the washing. anyone could do this with 1 child. bet he spent longer in the toilet. yanbu

Original poster
plasticbag · 28/08/2009 12:15

Axis, sadly we can't afford a cleaner. We are actually struggling just on my salary which is another problem...

Haventslept, he spends a lot of time on t'internet (he posts on another forum though)

I feel I can't say anything about that as it would be a tad hypocritical wouldn't it?

Actually I am going to get into trouble if I don't go and do some work soon

OP posts:
haventsleptforayear · 28/08/2009 12:19

Me too plasticbag

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 12:58

Plasticbag - your DP should do a lot more than that. It must be very annoying also that you have to ask him to do things. I have this with my DP - he is perfecty capable of doing things when he is asked, however I wish that he could be a bit more proactive and not have to wait to ask.

However we both work long hours and divide all the crappy chores between us somehow.

Would it be possible for him to go and get a job?

junglist1 · 28/08/2009 13:03

at ben5

OrmIrian · 28/08/2009 13:05

Yep. He is taking the piss. DH does this at times and it isn't fair. I never ever leave that much mess around sick kids or not. Sorry. No-one expects spotless of course.

It's horrible to come home and find the place an absolute tip and know that it is going to be you who is going to have to sort it out!

colditz · 28/08/2009 13:05

maybe he's had an off day?

SAHD with 2 sick kids is a NIGHTMARE. I feel sorry for him. Don't be a cock about it.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 13:09

He could spend 10 minutes cleaning up the kitchen at least. Don't think it's that much of a nightmare tbh.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/08/2009 13:15

YANBU.

I am a SAHM and I do pretty much all the domestic stuff. Our split is more like this.

Me
Laundry and all folding and putting away
Vacuming, dusting
Bathrooms
Finances, bills, general admin, social organising
Food shopping and all shopping for things for DS
General tidying and clearing up throughout the day

DH
Helps with breakfast and lunch prep the days he works at home
Bins and recycling
Dishwasher, clearing up etc at weekends
DS bathtime every day without fail

We share the cooking, although I probably do more than him.
If I do ask him to help me, then I still don't expect him to look around and think 'ooh I must hoover' if he has just worked a 10 hour day.

Sorry I've waffled badly here, but in short your DH is being unfair if this situation is anything other than very rare.

YorkshireRose · 28/08/2009 14:02

If its an off day then fair enough.

But if he is regularly leaving you with all the housework to do when you get back from work then YANBU

Personally I think he should be doing all the stuff associated with the kids including washing their clothes, cleaning up after them and sorting out appointments etc. And doing at least some basic cleaning of the house.

I work full time and do EVERYTHING associated with the kids. Our split of household responsibilities is as follows:

Me: everything

DH: feck all

So you can imagine I have not much sympathy with your DH, plasticbag!

dailymailrus · 28/08/2009 14:44

Talk to him. And I don't think he's taking the piss.